I met Norma on my way back from the balcony. I only heard her mumble “Typical..” as I walked by, but I was not paying attention.

I was in full thinking mode. How should I select my players? On what traits? Should I select players who had great mental attributes or physical attributes? I was sure that both were not an option and a compromise was the devil's trick into mediocrity. A defender should have a good tackle and marking. A midfielder should be good at passing and an attacker should be at finishing.

Truth was that there were so many roads to Rome. A striker that couldn’t finish for shit but had great first touch and technique could still be useful. If they were big and strong and could pass a little, they could even become an excellent asset to the team. And this went for all positions on the field. A defender that couldn't mark or tackle should be shit. But if they had great pace, natural stamina and crossing could still be a defender on the flanks.

But it was a pipe dream to think I would find anything close to good enough for an advanced role in the team. If the thousand players I already went through had to be an indicator at least. Anything above 'what the hell is this' would be fantastic.

As I got back into the game. The boxes still waited on me as were the three binders and a teenage girl looking through one. I walked over the slippery mud, towards the shed and greeted “Hey! Did you wash your hands? No experimenting with grandfathers toys!” She looked up from the binder and back at me over her shoulder. Her eyebrows creased and her nose wrinkled like she smelled something foul.

“You mean these pieces of junk?” She said as she used the binder to point towards the sea of crumpled paper. It had turned into mush now that a small drizzle had introduced itself. “Your work I presume? You know you can say ‘no thank you’ and they will disappear right?” She scolded.

Fuck that shit.

“Stop messing with my immersion! If I want to pollute my territory, I will pollute my territory! Understood?” I anwsered. I didn’t wait for the snarky remark and went into offense mode instead, asking “Now, have you sulked enough in your room? Ready to help this old guy out?”

“What do you mean with sulked? I didn’t sulk for shit.” She replied, not convincing anyone.

“So you sat in your room for eight hours doing nothing?” I stabbed back.

“No old man, I masturbated, watched a movie and then napped a little. Had some popcorn in between. Do you want to know more or can we move away from my privacy and into your little debacle over here?” She parried, moving me into an awkward position. If I had any shame that is.

“Masturbation? At your age? Aren’t you a little young for that? It turns you blind you know? How do you even access porn in this place?” In the end, I had become more curious than I should be. Discussing the masturbation practices of a thirteen-year-old were dangerous territory when it came to old man. But a loophole might present itself. I couldn’t miss this shot.

“Nah, borrowed some of your DVD's when Norma wasn’t looking. You’re into some real nasty stuff old man.” She said with more bravado than she should have. Now I knew she was bluffing. Norma would never let the scarred teenager near my collection.

“Pff how would you know? For all you know stuff like that is perfectly normal and you're the weird one. Let's have this conversation again in another decade, see how you feel about it then. When your boyfriend tried surprise anal for the first time and succeeded. Those loving DVD’s of mine will make you wish you were in them.” That gave the appropriate wrinkled nose look as I took the binder and sat down on the only chair. Leaving the confused teenager standing. Order and dominance reinstated. How it should be.

The moment I lost to a teenager in shameless conversation would be the moment they gave me my final meal.

“Hey, why don’t you sort on players less than twenty years old? They grow faster, and they age one year each season. It is a waste to get new players every season. They also listen to their coaches better, well that is if you don’t select them on massive ego.” She said, as she came down from her disgust and gave one of her many useful insights.

“Thanks. Little human please throw away all players older than twenty,” I said to Little human, who nodded and disappeared in a cloud of smoke again. Like a goddamn magician.

“You have the worse naming sense. How can you call your sniffer ‘Little human’? That might be the least imaginative name I have ever heard someone give it.” She said as she stared at the cloud of smoke.

“Yeah well, don’t be calling it a sniffer when I'm around. It sounds fucky. Where is yours by the way? I never see you carrying around a little human? How come mine has to stay around me all the time while yours has yet to appear?” I asked, just now noticing the absence.

“Ow, you mean Gina?” She asked as a blond curly haired, little doll faced human appeared in a pink dress and white stockings. On its head was a tiara, and it had wings like a butterfly. It looked like a goddamn fairy.

“I adjusted some settings so it only appears when I call her name. Very handy.” She said, the hint of pride masking the hint of ridicule by a small margin.

“You mean to say I can do that too? And why does yours look like it came straight out of candy land?” I said, baffled.

She stared at me, shook her head, sighed and then said, very slow and deliberate “You know you can adjust it, right?”

Oh, yeah, forgot about that. I coughed and tried to change the subject with a “So any other helpful tips?”

She looked at me funny and Little human reappeared with only one binder this time.

“Yeah. Hire no one who committed a crime. They come with debuffs.” She answered. I had no clue what debuffs meant but it should be something in the line of a negative impact, following the context.

“Will try,” I mumbled as I opened the binder. I read the first page out loud so that Riley could listen in “Callum Pearson, nineteen years old. Description, Talented player but has no will to win... Great Kanisha, why do you punish me so..” I sighed.

“That’s in there? That Great Kanisha part makes no sense…” She asked, and I was about to retort when I saw the wolfish smile. Goddamn teenager. I ignored her and focused my attention on Little human.

“Little human, please filter out everyone with the word no in front of the keywords.” The little human nodded again and disappeared along with the binder.

“At Least you know how to sniff,” Riley commented.

Please dear lord. I want to kill someone. Send me your best picks for the sacrifice.

By the time I finished my thought Little human reappeared and chimed “I have found one hundred and seventy players. Keywords mentioned, they are below twenty and do not have the term ‘no’ in front of specified keywords.”

Ah, welcome home, my little lambs.