My sleep was interrupted when I had a brief moment of panic. There was dirt in my mouth and lungs and in my eyes. I roared in defiance as a wave of claustrophobia from my previous life hit me. The dirt vaporized itself from my body.

I remembered as a boy, my brothers would hold me down and cover my face to elicit shrieks of terror from me. My anger was as fresh as the days my brothers would hold me down. I shot up out of the ground looking for a fight. My sword drawn and I was practically oozing with bloodlust. I shot up expecting to still be in the Dark Elf camp, but instead I was in what appeared to be a house in the woods of some kind. This is definitely not where I parked my bed…

The inside of the house was pretty circular? Not sure how I would describe it, almost like we were on the inside of a big tree or something and the walls were covered in what looked like photos of a little girl in clothes meant for an….” adult lady?”

It wasn’t inappropriate or anything, but they were just ten sizes too large. It made a rather cute picture I had to admit, but none of that explained how I went from an underground tent in a Dark Elf camp to the inside of what could only be described as a witch’s house.

The cauldron and potions in one corner were a bit of a giveaway, but what really gave it away, was the now fully grown witch from the pictures who was panting heavily in the corner. Her long dark hair and button nose were the perfect addition to a flawless face and a better figure. I just dedicated myself to Leyara!

“Where am I? Who are you? And why, am I here?”

Each question was deliberate and choppy. I made it very clear with my words that I was not to be messed with in regards to this unapologetic, claustrophobic summoning.

“SPEAK WOMAN!”

The house rattled under the force of the Mesmer. The picture frames and vials that fell to the floor were victims of collateral damage. I felt bad but this was no time to worry about being nice. I was under attack for all intents and purposes and I was fucking pissed.

“My house in the Mage’s Kingdom of Lapoint. Hmmm. Casidhe Floette Witherwright. I summoned you here with this box of grave dirt. Mmmmmmmmmmm.”

The witch was breathing heavily and moaning as she spoke like she was in pain from the compulsion to speak. I snapped my fingers to break the Mesmer in the room. The witch squirmed even further at the snap of my fingers. I began to see what was wrong with this otherwise wonderful setting for a late night “skinemax flick”.

“How did you get me here with this grave dirt?”

“This must have been your grave when you were human.”

“Why do you have it…”

The frustration was evident in my voice as I mined for each nugget of information. I Leaned on my sword after I stepped out of the grave box. My knuckles cracked loudly from the force of my grip. A smile crept across her face and drool ran down her mouth.

“I like to buy random grave lots when I’m bored and summon something from their lives. Sometimes I get jewelry, books, sometimes weapons or food and this time, I got you. Though this is my first time summoning someone.”

Wait, did she just say Lapoint?! As in the notoriously secret mage kingdom on the other side of the Elven Kingdom?! My grave was here? My coffin isn’t anywhere to be found. Was this my human..grave?

“Casidhe, can you return me to where I was with this? I need to be back by sunset and based on how tired I am, I can only imagine it’s the middle of the day.”

“It’s a summoning. Not really a portal. Doesn’t work that way.”

I was tired. I was cranky. I was about to destroy this whole kingdom in a fit of rage. I was almost sure I could if I really tried. I mulled over apocalypse when a look of excitement crossed her face. Her smile seemed to stop time for a brief moment as I was reminded of her beauty. She came back from the cauldron corner with a tea service tray, not that there were actual corners.

“I truly am sorry for summoning you my Lord. Can I offer you some tea as way of apology?”

Lord?

“Yes, and please, call me Vickus. My father was Lord.”

I hoped that my smile would convey the joke…but it didn’t. Humor must not be the same from back home.

“My apologies Lord Vickus, I just assumed…”

“Assumed what?”

“That this was your human grave. I wonder why you were summoned in his grave. I wonder if I have any books in the attic on the subject.”

“W-wait… This is not… Never mind, yes, I’ll have tea.”

I sat at the small table next to the fire trying to get a handle on what was happening. Casidhe was panting as she magically boiled water with a wand from her pocket. I had to figure out how to get home or just run home. I was still perplexed at how she was able to summon me so casually. She came back with a tea set that rattled as her hands shook.

“Here Mast…I mean Lord Vickus.”

There it was again. This time she called me Lord AND almost called me master.

“Uhh thanks for the tea, I like cream and 2 sugars.”

When I was a kid, my favorite grandma would always take me to this classy establishment for “afternoon tea”. They taught proper etiquette and how to make a proper cup of tea. Kind of lame in retrospect for a guy to do this, but I always remember it being a special time with my grandmother.

She came over with a highly polished silver tray, a beautiful matching pot and some excellent China cups and saucers. The saucers even had a cute magical spider that ran around the rim leaving a cloud of smoke as it chased a magic fly who kept taunting it. I was excited for this little bit of back home when everything seemed to take a turn for the worse.

She walked up with the tray and immediately started to tip the whole over onto my lap! I threw my hands up to try and catch the tray or even just to keep the still bubbling liquid from falling into my lap.

“STOP!”

Silence filled the witch’s house as everything literally stopped. This was certainly an excellent development in the powers discovered area, but I couldn’t celebrate just yet. I didn’t know if just saying the word “stop” caused this to happen or if it was just a unique combo of shitting myself with magic and saying the word.

I stood up and moved out of the way of the tea set as it hung in its stasis of free fall. The look on Casidhe’s face bothered me. She had a pretty sinister looking smile on her face and with time stopped I was able to make up what the smoke screen behind the animated spider said. In spidery little letters in the smoke, it read plain as day,

Stupid idiot!

This lady had a lot of nerve! Not only was she dumping a tea service onto my lap, but she was doing it on purpose! I couldn’t figure out the reason she would be doing it, but the sun was going down and I needed to beat cheeks from this crazy lady.

I collected the tea set and put it all back together in its suspended stasis and set it on the table and stepped away from her. I wasn’t sure how to break the freeze, but snapping my fingers seemed to break other magic. Here goes.

“Ha ha ha! That’s hilarious…”

I smiled my most evil smile as I watched from the other side of the room. The sun going down slowly outside the window and had hit the tree line outside what I had finally figured out, was a fucking mushroom. Don’t get me wrong, cool fantasy house and what not, but I just couldn’t give any merit to this invasion of liberty.

The witch looked over at me in defiance for a brief moment as the light bulb finally came on that I was wise to everything. Instead, she broke down into tears and sobbed hysterically. She threw herself to the ground in a tantrum.

“DON’T YOU WANT TO BEAT ME MY LORD? You don’t have to worry about hurting me or anything M, M,Master…I promise.

A disgusting grin came across her face after she made her declaration. Her breath was coming in short bursts. Her face was flushed and she was panting as if she was in pain. This was my que to get the literal fuck out of dodge.

I didn’t have time to do much as I blew a hole in the side of the fungi house with a wave of my arms and headed east back to the camp where Dog and Leyara were waiting. I would have to figure out a way to get the grave box back later and would consult Dog and the journal to find some kind of defense from that creep and her summoning’s.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Name: Vampir Darknaciel

Date of Birth: 23rd day of the month Reign in the year 3015

Race: Vampire (Human)

Hair: Black

Eyes: Red (Unholy Glow)

Current Value: 239.9 million Gold Coins

Magic Pocket: Pretty much one of everything (unverified), Journal of a Madman

Powers: Voice Mesmer, Animal Transmutation, Strength of 1000 men, Speed = PDQ, Immunity, Kinesis(Psycho), vaporizes people in a hissy fit, Derbegun (Cleaning Spell), Hemiowgun (Healing Spell), Potentially a Time stopping power of epicness!

Weaknesses: The Sun, Holy Water, Dog, Dog’s farts, cries blood, Dark Elf Princesses, Grave Box at Witch’s

Strengths: Barfights, Takes arrows to the chest like a champ, Digging Holes, Fungus House Demolition