It’s really a terrible moment when you realize you’re about to die. Most people say you see a light at the end of a tunnel or your life flashes before your eyes. Not me. I died thinking to myself that I was totally, definitely ok with being a 20 something-year-old low-level exec in a mid-level corporation. I was contracted by a Fortune 500 company who peaked shortly after college by becoming said exec.

My apartment was the cheapest possible one I could find in a relatively safe-looking complex in a relatively, “I don’t fear for my life each day” part of town. I never took to pets since I figured I would be working and not have time for them. My entire life came together in a single moment when I hit the ground. I thought of a memory I had as a child watching tv. I remember asking myself out loud what I wanted to be and then answering, “Rich Businessman!” Little did I know I would regret that later.

Shit.

The darkness seemed to last forever. At first, I slept a lot and thought about how much I hated Ferris wheels and carnivals. Then I slept some more and added any kind of parking lot carnival to that. I remember thinking that I wish I could have asked out my cubemate from work. I had the comfort of not dying a virgin like you see in all of those stories about Japanese kids, but I had maybe wanted a wife and maybe a kid or 3.

Realistically I had a chance a couple times and always found ways to work my way through the breakups. I always meant to work less and love more but trying to pursue a career to avoid a life of poverty was just higher on the list. I gave up so many things for that life. Mainly, my happiness and everything I ever wanted to do.

I heard what I thought were voices at one point which woke me from a particularly satisfying nap.

“That’s not right. Wait! Wait! Don’t go in there!”

The voices seem to come from far away and fade away even further. I’ll worry about that later. Now here I was floating in endless darkness seemingly dead. I wasn’t really sure about the afterlife and all that, but it began to dawn on me that maybe it was just this darkness. I pondered that for what seemed like an eternity, drifting in and out of sleep.

It was after one of these naps I realized I had sensation in my elbows, like they were resting on something soft yet supported. I explored that feeling more discovering sensation when moving my head, my shoulders, knees, “and toes.” I spoke aloud, the old song jumping into my mind. My own voice sent shivers down my spine for a brief moment.

At this point I was sure that not only was I not dead, but I was definitely in some kind of box. There was enough room to move comfortably as long as I wanted to lie in here. I don’t remember when I stopped trying to use my eyes, but I just realized that if I had all of these other senses then I should be able to see also. I slowly opened my eyes the interior of the box was lined with some kind of cloth-like material. There was some kind of low light in the box. I was able to make out clearly my own strangely dressed body and the inside of what was most likely a coffin. After coming to that creepy realization, I also remembered that coffins have lids.

I pushed on the top of my enclosure as a lightning bolt struck me in the back of the head. The pain so intense I grit my teeth until they broke falling to the floor. It felt like a firework had gone off under my skin and also in the space where my brain used to be.

“What the fuck?!”

The only words hoarsely screamed from my throat. Each explosion resulted in a new series images flashing and burning itself into my retinas. Places, people, things, and wars?

The memories continued pouring into my brain with the force of a cement mixer and even larger of a payload. I learned so many things during this time. First, I learned that it was actually my brother and not my friend who had destroyed my priceless card from a popular monster training game. Bastard.

Second, there was the last 3000 years of this super weird warlord vampire guy named Vampir whose body I was living in. The vampire part made sense quickly as my teeth repaired themselves and my tongue ran over my fangs. The pain began to subside as the memory learning part was over.

“Regeneration and fangs are right, but wait who am I again?”.

A sudden pain searing through the back of my retinas causes me to violently jerk and fall out of my coffin. I hit the dusty stone floor like a sack of potatoes. I realized that all of the new memories had caused me to forget some of my past ones and the rest were all mixed up.

“My name is…...Vampir? But what was I before then?”.

“At least I can be Vampir for now… w-w-wwait, what the shit kind of name is that?! I hope this is one of those worlds where everyone loves vampires. I seem like the kind of person I want to be at the very least.”

I flexed my fingers as I felt power surging through me. There was a cold stillness to it though, I felt the power surging, but I did not feel anything, mainly a heartbeat. I thought about my elaborate outfit, a suit and cape that belonged to some gothic, Victorian vampire you might see in a movie. There was a certain sense of obnoxiousness that radiated from the clothing, but I had to admit they were pretty snazzy.

I was an old ass vampire warlord called Vampir or at least inhabiting his body. If these memories were right then I was a fucking god with an insane number of powers! Lastly, I was handsome as hell.

Hoo, hoo, hooo Hercules! Hercules!

There are no mirrors to speak of in the room and I wasn’t really sure if that would matter depending on how many things literally reflected back home’s mythology of vampires. My memories show me a kind and handsome face with pale skin and ruby red eyes. My dark hair hung just out of reach of my eyes which framed my face. I had a muscular build, the very image of health when I was originally turned. A twenty something noble in the peak of youth and prime of physical training.

My new body, charisma, and pure sex appeal were different. Mainly, I had it in waves whereas I did not before. I wasn’t ugly before, but I was also so completely average AND I had bad posture that I may as well have been invisible to the opposite sex. I was at a point in my life where I bought the same 7 TV dinners each week and the same microwavable breakfast burrito for each morning and always opened the curtains at 3:45 to see the lady down the street walk her English Bulldog.

He was the best boy on the block and he would prance his ass off down the sidewalk. I always wanted one, but with working so much and strict guidelines for breeds in apartments it was too much of a hassle to deal with it. That chain of thought led me back to the present where a scratching sound could be heard.

The room was so dark and with the creepy scratching sound from across the cave, I was kind of creeped out. I took a deep breath and remembered once again to open my eyes since I could see in the dark. I made a mental note to check exactly what all powers I could remember and what their uses could be. I straightened my cape and surveyed the room ignoring the sound for now. Other than the pedestal that my coffin sat on, the room was mostly bare except for a large covered object in the corner of the cave.

My coffin was a work of art too in comparison to the barrenness of the cave. The exterior had wicked outlines in what I horrifyingly knew was human bone. The coffin itself was not made of traditional materials and instead looked to be one solid piece of obsidian that was carved. My eyes wondered to the covered object in the corner. It was roughly 10 feet tall and like the coffin, not a bit of dust was to be found on it. I walked over to the object feeling braver than I ever had in my old life.

The sheet pulled off of the object with almost no effort. I took a sharp intake of breath in surprise as the contents were revealed. Under the sheet was a huge block of ice. Not only was the ice crystal clear, but the most surprising part was the naked woman frozen in the middle of it.

“Who are you?”

I spoke aloud once again and startled myself with my own voice. Soft like velvet and deadly. My voice reminded me of a killer teddy bear who feigns sweet innocence just to carve you up as soon as you slept. The thought gave me shudders.

There was no response from the ice block, but the woman inside had a look on her face that was resigned hope, like she knew it was coming but also knew that it wasn’t forever. I wondered about her story as I bent over to pick up the sheet and noticed the drawers on the side of the pedestal. I balled up the sheet and threw it in the corner as I went to investigate the drawers.

There were 2 drawers and what looked like a fancy handle. The latter being in the shape of an old iron cross, similar to the one on my left hand currently. The first drawer was the larger of the two and only opened when I pushed it rather than pulling on it. A small click was heard as it slid out revealing a very beautiful and sinister looking sword in a black and gold sheath with a Red leather hilt that suspiciously matched the color of the inside of my cape.

I found the loop that it connected to on my belt easily enough and I attached the sword. It felt natural to have the weight on my hip, like I should have limped without it. I turned awkwardly underestimating the length of the sword and bumped into the small iron cross, causing it to “CLICK” loudly. The scratching stopped. Coincidental.

“This room is creeping me the fuck out.”

The second drawer opened to reveal a small book of unknown origin. It looks pretty well used. Opening the cover, I see the front page, a simple letter written there indicating who owned the book.

“Dearest Reader,

It is at this time you have somehow lain your despicable, filthy hands on my journal. For this I will kill you, your family, your dog and I will eat your children. In the time you have read this, I have discerned your scent and am now racing towards you for stealing this out of my coffin. Before you die miserably, full of pain and anguish, do tell me how you managed to find me. If you started now, you could speak one full sentence before you die and I would hear it. …if you are still alive to read this, then you are me. You are devilishly handsome.

Sincerely,

Vampir Darknaciel”

A laugh escaped my lips, “What a dick.”

“That’s a terrible thing to say about yourself, Master”

“It’s not like he’s a nice guy at all…”

I spun around and looked for the source of the voice, my fist balled up ready to attack whatever was here. Sat at my feet and cowered in fear and currently relieving itself was the ugliest dog I had ever seen. The dog looked like a pug mixed with a Labrador, but with horns and forked tongue.

“What the hell are you?”

The dog shuffled uneasily and wouldn’t make eye contact. I tucked the mysterious book into a pocket in my cloak as I sized up the dog.

“What do you mean Sire? I am your ever deplorably loyal demon servant, Ron.”

BAHAHAHAHAHA what a mundane name!

“Ahem, my servant? Well let’s see then. Where am I?”

Ron stared at me with a confused and for some reason, slightly pained expression on his face. He reaches up and licks his eyeball as he continues.

“You are in your crypt in the Daeldrad Mountains…”

“Is that where we are?”

I searched my jumbled memories trying to see what I can remember from the names I was learning. I reached into my pocket and grabbed the book. I opened the book and look at the delicate scrawl written inside. I had all of these memories, but they were too jumbled with my past life’s to be clear.

The demon began trembling violently and sweating profusely.

“Master! I am so sorry! P-p-p-p-please forg-g-g-ive me master!

The dog laid flat on the ground with his face and what would be his palms on the ground as he squealed in horror all of a sudden. His posture was similar to the famous “dogeza” in Japanese culture. Ironic.

“Wait, I’m not mad! Relax now. Nothing is going to hurt you.”

“I apologize for apologizing, master!”

The strange dog began slamming his face into the ground over and over. Each time his face came up another ridiculously painful expression was on his face.

“Stop that! Sit!”

The room and everything in it vibrated when I yelled, which caused Ron to sit perfectly still and upright and relieve himself all in one go.

“Why did that just happen?”

“What do you mean master? You frightened me with your yelling…”

Ron woefully looked down at his feet that were covered in his…fear. His eyes wide with accusation as he slowly looked back up at me and then back to his feet.

“Not that you damn ugly mutt! Why did the room shake when I spoke earlier?”

I hadn’t intended to call the little guy names. Here is a seemingly loyal servant who has been mistreated for the past three millennia and here I am just fanning the flame of oppression.

“I’m sorry Ron, you’ve been a good boy, haven’t you?”

The demon dog’s ears perked up instantly and he started rocking slowly from left to right as he looked at me. His face being oddly expressive as it was, seemed to be going through some kind of metamorphosis in front of me. It was as if he was running through facial expressions for all of the emotions at once. His long, almost reptilian tail was wagging slowly left to right dragging on the ground.

“Are you a good dog? I think you are, aren’t you Ron?”

I took a step towards the dog and bent down to pet him. His face was still going through that terrible painful looking change as he slowly backed away from me as I reached down. His escape getting slower and slower as if he was surrendering to the inevitable. I shot my hand forward and began scratching him behind his ears and the transformation was complete. I added another hand and gave him a good scratch down across his whole back and extra attention to the small bit between his horns.

“Can you please tell me what you know now? From the beginning about me, about you, about this land and everything you know.”

Over the next several hours, I scratched what I had affectionately just dubbed as “dog” regardless of his name. He told me enough to get me by but I still had some foggy spots where my memories of my past life and my current life conflicted.. There were a couple fuzzy spots still, but that could have been from the ridiculous nap I had just taken. Why don’t we have magic pockets back home?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Name: Vampir Darknaciel

Age: 3000ish

Race: Vampire (human)

Hair: Black

Eyes: Red

Current Value: 240 million Gold Coins

Powers: Voice Mesmer, Animal Transmutation, Increased Strength, Increased Speed, Immunity, Kinesis

Weaknesses: The Sun, Holy Water, Is a Jackass