Tosra & The Auction, day 39

Jane's thoughts

It's hard to try to think of what I can and cannot say about Midgård, especially when I talk to Iselin. Even about something as simple as Midgård's wedding traditions. Robert was absolutely right - again - and Iselin is far too cunning and draws conclusions, even more than Kari. It is so difficult to translate and describe what I mean without Iselin asking follow-up questions. It does not help that she understands that we are withholding information and Iselin deliberately tries to trap me with 'innocent' questions or 'clarifications', or when I am not prepared and we just talk to hang out. Because Robert is more careful than me and better to think about what he says. Iselin is dangerously disarming, charming, funny and smart.

Doesn't she have any faults?

Robert shows up and saves me, as I can let him take the lead about music for their wedding feast. It's almost disgustingly cute to see how much in love they both are, and entertaining how their different ways make them show it, or not show it as is the case. Robert is uncomfortable with intimate displays in front of me, the others or the staff, and Iselin understands that and holds back, even though they both want to do more than just kiss and then sit next to each other. Iselin gets such a happy little content smile from his arm around her, and without thinking about it, her fingers start to caress his while she leans against him and relax. I really wanted a boyfriend who makes me feel that way, and know that it is answered and genuine. Robert and Iselin can probably sit like that for hours. He can with Ciara.

It's a bit tragic that even here in his home, it takes a closed door for Robert to feel comfortable and really be able to relax and be who he is, and everyone has understood that. He seems to get used to his new life here, but it takes time as every meal or action with the staff reminds him of his role, and it is undoubtedly a role to be the Lord of the house and the Lord of the Islands. A role he does not like to fill. Robert only seems really comfortable when he is alone in 'his' rooms - because the rest of the house is not truly his - and only in front of someone he really trusts, and that list is short. Too short. Only Iselin, Ciara, Alith and partly me.

Everyone has noticed how uncomfortable and conscious he becomes of his appearance or 'mess', and puts on a sweater or discreetly tidies up a bit if Kari, me or the maids come in. How he tidies up before their maids do. As if we were all guests. And he don't want to disturb them in their work and often, with a pretext, leave the room. So nowadays rooms are cleaned when he is not there. So it is invisible. But Iselin, Ciara and Alith have told us that he has changed, and now he tidies away more in his rooms because he knows the staff will clean. He never threw dirty cloths on the floor, but they used to be in a pile on the bed, and now he hangs them up on the back of the couch. Not unexpectedly Robert have a more relaxed behaviour about him when he is alone with one of them, but it depends on the situation or what room it is, and it hurts Kari that she has not fully been let in behind his walls except in the bedroom. She is worried that her lessons in how to behave makes him feel the need to always fulfill it in front of her.

It's entertaining, and good, that Iselin doesn't shy away from making a stinging comment that Caecilia can sing really well and play various instruments and is not just sexually skilled. Robert just lowers his gaze, and takes a breath to avoid becoming more embarrassed, and then continues talking after Iselin kiss his cheek. Not as a sorry, but just to show that she loves him as he is.

Iselin will not be a meek submissive wife, but Robert wouldn't want her to be, nor would he have accepted anyone who would is too controlling. Iselin has probably understood that too, and I wonder how much she have changed to be what he desires. Then again, most people around him seems to adapt, and understand that he doesn't like being a Lord. That power is something to avoid being used, or even be reminded of. Kari made it clear how they explained to him that he have to let the staff call him Lord etc, and the guards are proud of their powerful Lord.

Caecilia - of course - quickly appears when Robert shouts her name; ready to be of any service he wish, and I wonder if Robert have understood how intensely she tries to learn to be his personal maid, and adapt to what he expects and wants. She really seems to see it as her goddess Freya chosen duty in life, and will do it as good as she can. Caecilia almost always knows where Robert is or does just like Ciara, but Iselin, Ciara and the guards keep her informed to make Robert's life easier - and so he doesn't get reminded that she is always nearby. They're all so focused on that Robert is protected and gets as much as possible of the life he prefers. But it is no coincidence that Caecilia usually finds something to do so she's within earshot - but out of sight. Nor does she close her bedroom door except when she's going to sleep, and just because Robert wants her to have privacy too. When Robert closes his bedroom door for the night, Caecilia hurries to go to bed, so she is up, freshly washed and alert when Robert wakes up. At whatever service he wants from her. What a change of life this must have been for Caecilia, but she seems happy for her new life. She and Elvira make sure to wake each other up and both seem to love being of service. Even if it is going to be a hard working day, they always seem to be in an annoyingly good mood. At least Caecilia sing or hum if Robert isn't near by. He gets annoyed by exuberant morning people and singing. He prefer that his first half hour or hour is quiet and calm, and it is obvious why his bedroom and office is as far away as he could make it from the kitchen and staff rooms.

Caecilia probably really sees Robert as her goddess's messiah, not least considering how he has sex with them, and she seems completely convinced that Freya brought both of us here. But she is a master of circular thinking and that the gods are behind everything important. That she was there and could 'save' Robert after he was drugged at Radgeirrson's feast, she takes as further proof that Freya guided her to Robert. Of course Freya knew about Radgeirrson and his associates, and Robert was Freya's hand to end it and so the guilty were punished, and the innocent got a better life. Caecilia also believes that I - just like her, Iselin, Ciara and Kari - have been guided to Robert to make both his and our lives better. Ciara is completely sure of that.

Iselin has probably helped Caecilia through some religious crises due to Robert's views on sex and what is right in terms of relationships, minimum age, age difference and more. It is fortunate that Robert explained that his upbringing has shaped his view of what is right. Which Caecilia has taken as even further proof that Robert is here because Alfheimr needs him, and that Freya also wanted to 'save him' from a sexually starved life in Midgård. Caecilia was really upset and actually cried when she found out what his life had probably been like in Midgård, and that Robert seems to have given up seeking female companionship. Decades of excellent sex and love lost, and she cannot believe human women can be so blind. Caecilia feels so honoured that Freya thinks she is worthy of 'compensating', and she is convinced that her high sex drive is to 'make up for lost time'. That they consider Robert to be divine in bed only reinforces Caecilia's view that Freya rewards them and that he really is Freya's messiah. Robert's own comment, shrug and annoying smile were appropriate though infuriating; "In the land of the blind, the one eyed man is a King."

The men here are really blind, because Robert doesn't seems to be that good, and pretty vanilla. A bit oral sex, fingers and different positions: Oooh ... so advanced and so kinky.

Pathetic!

But Caecilia is worried that I'm here because Elvish women won't be able to give him children. Like Iselin and Kari, she wants Robert to have many children, and everyone is more or less worried that Caecilia might be right. All are so damn indoctrinated that every woman should marry and give her husband children and be a good mother, to really be a woman. No matter how good the woman is at business, politics, art, combat, crafts or anything else.

Bloody primitive culture.

Regardless of what Robert have said, I think he will be able to fulfill Iselin's and Kari's desire to become a mothers. Robert wouldn't have been as careful as he apparently is with IUDs, condoms and where he shoots his load, if he didn't suspect the same.

Has Liv become pregnant? She was so enthusiastic and honoured by their agreement. I wonder how many Sejdwomen will be the same?

Then again, it is utterly absurd how many women seems willing to give Robert children, especially if it means that they themselves will also have a good life, which he certainly would give them by this ages measure. How the staff here live says a lot. It feels weird to know that he could have built a mansion like this, and he could have chosen among a bloody hoard of volunteer women to fill that mansion and have it as his harem. Not bought and forced slaves, but actually volunteer women from all walks of life. A truly genuine harem with dozens of women. Honoured to be his concubines or just mistresses and live comfortable easy lives, and just have sex with him and try to give him children. With Robert! And their culture would give both him and the harem women more respect and status, and no one will complain or even seen anything wrong with it and just be envious, because Robert is 'Freya's man'. Its lucky that a harem is such an uncomfortable thought for him.

Another then again, is that Robert with corresponding power, status, wealth and honour wouldn't have a hard time getting many 'girlfriends' in our world either, even with our social pressure against it instead of for it. Especially if he liked bimbos. I've met a lot, and their goal in life is to be a rich man's mistress, and get a luxury life with expensive living, food, shopping and travel, for sex and to be arm candy at parties. Selling themselves like expensive whores in all but name. Some don't seem to have any scruples at all. They will do anything, with anyone, as long as they get a luxurious life. And the older they get, the more desperate they become to secure it for the rest of their life. And that is in our luxurious modern world, not this primitive savage world.

It infuriates me that I will probably be single for the rest of my life, because as a propertyless woman without powerful relatives, few Elvish men will want me as his wife. As that is the only thing that matters. I am not even a real woman in their eyes, just because I have more body hair than they do. But I also don't want to be a Viking wife with all that entails - and would be completely useless as it. I also don't want to be a trophy concubine, or live in a common longhouse. Hell, I don't even want to live in a bloody Castle. Kari told me enough about that. All romantic ideas about the Middle Ages have definitely gotten a huge 'reality check'. Knights in shining armour, yeah right! Robert's explanation what Chivalry really comes from, and was and how it was used, killed that notion too.

I blurt out a "What?" when they get my attention. What were they talking about?

Caecilia is good at playing several instruments, but I surprise myself when I blurt out that I can play the piano - another thing that my mother thought I should learn as a child and I took lessons in for far too many years. Am I really so desperate to impress them and show that I too know things? So desperate for their approval? Sickening.

It seems like there are no pianos here, which I can not help makes me smile, but according to Caecilia, there are stringed instruments that lie in the lap and strings are tapped on with small hammers. Of course, Robert's creativity and ingenuity immediately begins to rev up, and he's thinking of making something piano like with a keyboard. He zones out and starts talking and describes how it would be an interesting challenge, even though it would be simple and there will probably be several prototypes with limited range before it is even acceptable, especially if he has to make a standing piano as a grand piano takes far too much space. Iselin's expression makes it clear that she's immediately interested, but my narrowed eyes and face makes Robert realise it is something I won't appreciate, and with a small cough he changes the subject, and waves away the slate board Caecilia tried to give him. I ignore Iselin's disapproving gaze.

I realise that Robert would actually spend a hell of a lot of time and gold trying to make a piano for me if I wanted it, and that he wouldn't do it to hit on me or try to bribe me. He would do it just to help and make his friend happy - and because it would be an interesting challenge. That insight and feeling is quite nice. Maybe I should let him try? It would be interesting to see how well he succeeds and how it sounds. I could explain how it should feel and work. It's not just hitting a string with a hammer. Again, the details are so important, and everything is 'difficult level'. He would probably try to build a grand piano and sacrificed the space if I really wanted it.

In the future, his Academy should include a proper music education class. Musicians are important and of course everything here is with a personal teacher, apprentice to someone else, or self-taught. It would be nice with many different modern instruments, in a real concert hall. Hmm... the slump south of the Academy might be an acceptable outdoor amphitheatre, and it could actually be used for theater and stage productions as well, but the stage need to be facing south for the sake of light, or maybe southeast so the evening sun is used after the working day, and the audience shouldn't have the sun in their eyes. Maybe something like the Hollywood Bowl?

Urgh. Bloody Robert. His thinking has really started to affect me. But it is so annoying to see his slightly disappointed face if something so obvious is missed.

My thoughts are interrupted and I blurt out another pathetic "What?" as an answer to a question I never heard. Robert has the same thoughts as me, and not surprisingly, it is memorization and learning that applies here when it comes to music and music pieces, just like everything else. Of course I can read musical notes and lyrics, but when Robert asks me to write down what I can and try to create a book on how to describe music - I hesitate. Can I do it well enough? Do I really want to do it? Especially to start writing down songs and music we brought with us. It will be terribly difficult to try out what sounds right, and impossible to get all the instruments, or the tracks completely written down, and it will not be exact. Acoustic pieces are always different. Considering he have several thousand MP3s with him, if I try to written down just one song made per day, it will take something like 10 years. But far from all are good, and he have a wide taste in music. However, some would be worth the effort, and expanding the types of music they listen to would be really good. Maybe I can 'corrupt' the next generation? That would actually be kind of fun.

I explain that it will be very difficult and a huge project that will takes years, but as soon as the words leave my mouth, I realise how stupid that answer is. Even something very difficult and huge, Robert doesn't really see as a problem - and he is right. It's worth doing, and someone must be the first here to write down and teach people to read music from notes. Even if it isn't perfect, there is probably no one here who knows it better than me, and it would be something more to do. I don't think his tablets audio editing programs can help, and a piano would have been more practical to try it out on so it sounds right. I shouldn't be surprised that he has a simpler synth keyboard program on the tablet, and Caecilia, Iselin and Gunhild are so very enthusiastic - that I agree to do it. It is something really useful that also helps to make the future better. Something more than just painting. Something that shows that I too am knowledgeable and valuable.

I want to roar out my frustration and bang my head against a wall as soon as I hear my own pathetic thought, and I remember what I said and bet. Why couldn't I just keep my stupid mouth shut?! Why is it almost instinctive for me to tease him and allude to sex?! Why didn't I just agree with him that it was a bad joke when he gave me such a nice way out?! I don't want to have sex with him, and especially not because I may have lost a stupid one-sided bet, and now he expects me to want us to have sex, even though we're both uncomfortable with it. Why can I never learn?! Why do I always drive my foot deeper into my mouth?! I wasn't even content with a hand or blowjob, oh no, I had to go all the way to anal sex. Nice one, Jane! What does he think about me after that!

ARGH!

I just want to keep him as my friend, that I can joke and have fun with. Why did Kari have to tell him that they've given me permission for us to have sex?! That they want me to get pregnant?!

Fuck Alfheimr and its culture!!

It sure does not help that they have so absurdly much sex, and I sometimes hear the sounds or smell. They could at least keep it in his bloody bedroom! Not that it helps much when it is Ciara. It's also so bloody annoying that his sexual reputation is hyped as hell - just because they have incredibly low expectations. It's even more annoying that he agrees! Like it's something positive that everyone else is worse. He is still an older chubby nerd, and there are so many sexy muscular bodies here where most people work hard every day. Hrappr looks so much better and is half his age! But, oh no; everyone ignores Hrappr. Even the guards and maids. How distorted isn't that?!

But sadly, that is also what many men are - a sexy attractive body - and I do not need more experience from ego-tripped Adonis who believe that they are God's gift to women and flirt with everything with boobs. Even when they have a girlfriend. Or muscle headed cavemen who think women should be their slave, take care of the home, and give birth to children. Which more or less describes all the men here. The wife is literally bought from her parents for the wedding, and I will never be someone's damn property!

I will never find a good man that I like, who respects and treats me well and equal.

Bloody primitive world.

...

?!!