Tosra & The Auction, day 6

Thoughts

Another rocking day at sea, and I'm so sick of sailing. I am not looking forward to another three weeks of sailing, but I cannot refuse when it is the first real thing Robert asks of me, and it is important. It will also be a different experience than the last time. I so regret that I didn't take all the technology and sold it to Robert. It would have secured my future, and put me in a completely different situation both then and now. I could have exchanged it for the life I have now, and become rich form it, instead of foolishly trying to become his kept woman. But that ship has sailed.

The sailing will at least be faster, and I will have company and I don't have to worry about my safety. There is just nothing to do but talk and think, but together with painting, sketching, making art and trying to make artist material, it is now my life. I would be an even bigger idiot if I complained about it, because it's so much better than I feared would be my future when I knocked on Robert's door 3 weeks ago.

My life is so much better now than the months before, and I once again belong to the top tier of society, but I almost made life so terrible. Not only did I actually accuse him of being a rapist, I almost forced him to become my rapist in his and my eyes. I don't even want to think about what my life would have been like, if he had been the man I thought he was, because after my accusation I could have been his legally branded sex slave and child factory, for the rest of my life. So what's a three week sailing on his yatch against it?

I just hang there on the railing and watch the shore and islands slowly glide past and the water glistening and shimmering, and I think back to how me and my friends talked about having the freedom to do what we want; to just get away from it all and just be able to improve our skill and artistry, find our own style and take the day as it comes. Beautiful views. Small Cafes. Shopping. Beauty salons. Museum. Exhibitions and parties where the elite from all over the world outbid each other to be able to buy my paintings, and invite me to travel and visit their country and culture.

It just never really happened. Even though my parents wanted me to live my own life, the pressure was always there from relatives and friends - and from myself. To have an orderly life with success and career, a stately handsome rich man and two beautiful children and live in a mansion, with a nanny and someone to care of the household and the garden. The perfect family they can be jealous of. How ironic has my life not become? Now I have the freedom to do what I want, but with all the horrible consequences of doing it in an unromantic medieval world with completely different laws, norms and society.

I feel such tremendous pressure to actually prove myself worthy of the enormous freedom and future that Robert has given me, especially since Robert doesn't seem the least bit worried that I will be able to meet his expectations, and I think it is because his expectations are very low. If I can do something nice in a year or two, he will be happy and pleased, but if I fail, it is unlikely that he will be disappointed because he don't expect anything from me. He would probably have been happy if I had just continued with the simple paintings and sketches I had already made.

He consciously avoids expecting anything, or becoming hyped before activities, or events. Just so as not to be disappointed because what imagination have hyped up is almost never achieved by reality. Something that could otherwise have given good impressions and memories, can be perceived as bad by overhyping it. Whether it's something as simple as watching a movie, skinny dipping with all his women, buying things or going on a several week long trip to the other side of the world with many planned activities. It is just something to do, and he want to take the experience for what it is. He is really bothered when people expect him to look forward to doing something, no matter what it is, and that something is wrong with him otherwise. He really tries to take life as it comes. If there is a problem he can do something about, then there is nothing to worry about. If there is a problem he can do nothing about, then why worry? Just accept, and make the best of it.

How has his life been to get such an opinion?

I almost get angry and wants to punch him, when in my mind I hear him again say that this is 'hard level', and he won't be able to help. He must have understood how difficult it will be for me to do something good, and this is a more than 'hard level' - but I probably cannot even begin to understand how difficult everything is that he is doing. He is not trying to be a new renaissance man like Leonardo Da Vinci, Galileo or Newton. He will be all of them, with a large dose of Tesla, Bell and many other modern scientists as well. He will be the renaissance man with whom everyone else is compared to in this world, and I can only imagine how legendary and mythical he will be in a few hundred years. But celebrity is the least he cares about. It is a burden he would rather avoid, because he does not like to be in the center or on stage. Especially all the seductive women that celebrity brings, because he's so ridiculously easy to make uncomfortable.

He really tries to give this world an intensive course over the next 10-20 years so they can skip 700 years of technological development. I would dismiss it as hubris, but when I tried to adapt to the world and did common work that anyone could have done better on a farm, he immediately began to make this world better. I never even used charcoal on a wooden board, and he introduced compasses, life jackets, math, binoculars, sextants, steel, oil lamps, and built electric power plants. He introduced a bloody IUD after just a week or so here, and he is a bloody nerd! That is something I should have introduced, but I was just happy that I already had one. Same thing with bras, but at least that is something I have a better grasp of. Because I am a woman. The feminist in me is still screaming about that.

And he gives away almost everything, when he could have become so terribly rich and powerful. But for him, wealth is a tool, not a goal or something to brag about. He would probably have been the billionaire who walked around in the same clothes, because he likes them and they are practical and durable, and the question is whether he even would replace is car. Because he just finish modding it like he wants it, and see no point in owning a sportscar. Because they are impractical and would hardly be used.

I wonder if there are other people here, and if we ever meet them. Or ever find out about them. It would be nice to talk to another human, and preferably a woman in not too big an age difference. Who knows English. Someone I can have fun with and really talk to. I feel like the fifth wheel all the time. Even though everyone is nice and we have started to become friends, we do not have much in common to talk about, and their language makes it harder even though Robert's interpretations, phrases, words and explanations have help enormously.

Had Robert not been who he is, this would have been such a very uncomfortable atmosphere, but now they accept me being here since he has. Robert has already become a friend, and we both appreciate having someone to talk to, but I am intruding on their territory, and it's so clear that Iselin and Kari don't like that I look good, because we've all noticed that Robert is attracted to me, and it is cute how easy it is to make him uncomfortable. But they have also noticed that, and above all Iselin, Kari and Alith likes to tease him, and I am willing to bet that Alith has had sex with him at least once. He had completely missed Iselins obvious bisexuality, but was so sure that Alith wasn't a lesbian, and unlike the other guards, Alith did not see the meeting as a chance for sex. It is probably not just because she feels a need to guard him, and she absolutely is protective and guard him.

After Robert made it clear that it is okay for him if Iselin takes a willing woman to bed without him, Iselin is now charmingly transparent that she wouldn't say no to my company in bed, but it is especially true of Caecilia. It is bloody ironic that Robert's fiancée and courtesan are the ones flirting with me, while he is just so uncomfortable if our discussions touch any intimate topic. Bad luck for them that I am not bisexual. But it's lucky that Robert is who he is, and there's no question that Iselin, Ciara and Kari really love him.

It is funny how different they are, but some are easier to understand than others. Kari is definitely a person I want on my side, and she is interesting and nice to hang out with, but I wonder how much is played facade. It's probably just Robert that she has ever shown her true self to, if even to him.

I do not want her to see me as an enemy, and her look when Midgård lingere came up made it clear that I would design it, so she can have it to show off infront of Robert. Or we would be enemies. And I won't play Chess against her again. The game does not interest me, but with what Robert said and how Kari seems to be, I think she loves that game more than she shows. Something she can plan and gain an advantage in before the game even starts, and she seems to be the type who enjoys it more if she wins after a long match, where she has always been one step ahead, especially when the opponent finally realizes it, gives up and admits defeat. Robert was probably fucked as he missed that she played for her own victory, and that she gave a warning tells me that she was sure of her victory.

I can definitely see her saying; "No Mr Bond, I expect you to die!", but I think Kari would sit down on a chair, and calmly watched Bond die a painful death, while soothing Krosp the cat that Bonds screams of pain would soon over. Regardless of what Bond said, Kari would want to see the threat permanently removed. Then she would prepare for the next threat and Bonds replacement, and she probably wouldn't have any nightmares about it. Threatening her goal as wife number two means to not wake up one morning. Permanently eliminating threats against her partner is something she and Robert have in common, but Robert is not so cold-blooded, while Kari grew up in this horrible world.

Ciara, on the other hand, will prefer a completely random and social game. When she can participate without effort. Without having to think or plan, and I doubt she cares if she win or lose. Like when Robert slept on the blanket in the garden, and Ciara just lay looking at the clouds or Robert, and did not seem the least bit bored. Hour after hour. She is weird to hang out with; nice and friendly, but not the sharpest knife, and she is so hard to understand. Then she also just seems to really care about where Robert is, does and thinks. I understand why Robert thinks she is frightingly devoted, because how many times have I not heard her ask "Robert?" to one of the guards, and when they point or tell, all is well. Or that someone tells her before she has asked, because that seems to be the only thing she ever asks about. The only thing she cares about. But Ciara seems anything but jealous; she needs him like the air she breathes, but accepts a small portion for herself.

Caecilia seems quite honest in her manner and goals. In a modern big city, she would probably have been the extrovert unrestrained party girl who parties every weekend, and who never goes home alone. It might have been a whole week since she had a man. Or woman. She likes to be in the center and entertain, which entertainingly is the opposite of Robert. She would probably have loved to participate in all games, for the social aspect. Robert probably didn't understand what a torture it would be to force her to live alone in her own house. He probably hasn't understood how much she not only likes sex, but seems to need it, and when she talks, the subject often end up about sex or involve it. As long as sex is between two or more volunteers, she doesn't seem to see anything wrong with it no matter the age or sex, and unlike the others, she sees nothing wrong with two men having sex. The gods made them that way.

Iselin is the most difficult to understand. She seems to give a completely different impression than how she really is and thinks, and is probably the most unpredictable, for what she see as victory is not always obvious. Iselin wanted Caecilia to stay in the mansion, and preferable visit her bed from time to time, and 'killed several birds with one stone'. Iselin is smart and charming, but also happy, fun and exudes a joy of life. We just have no real topics of conversation, although she could certainly have talked and listened to stories about life in Midgård all day long. She is so enthusiastic about Midgård and loves to have someone to talk to about a life out of the ordinary here. Robert has already told her far too much about technology, space and everything else, that she has tried to confirm. Thankfully, she took my silence on certain topics as if I did not want to answer, instead of confirming that she knows more about them than I do. My answer that it's probably very right, because Robert is a nerd, makes Iselin want to be a nerd. I should be grateful that she and the others have taken 'nerd' as an honorary title.

When it comes to games, Robert plays to win - or get someone else to win which he secretly chose. It can be social and fun, but what bothers him is if others don't also play to win. He wants a good match, not just a pastime, and preferably with several participants. He seems to like complex games of chaos and chance, but where the goal is clear. It is a subtle boast of his intelligence and he has annoying besserwisser tendencies, but it mostly seems because he is so fascinated by the world, technology, history and much more, and thinks that others should know too. Because it is so 'interesting', and if others only understood, they would think so too. Unfortunately, he is annoyingly often right in this, but that is another thing I will never admit to him.

He also seems to have a pathological need to be clear. However, he knows about this, and it is fun to watch his internal struggle. It is so easy to get him started on a topic, and he knows that, but can not really stop. It is so obvious that Iselin matches him so well, and how she found out so much, so fast.

"Jane."

"Fuck! What?" Robert scares me when he unexpectedly shows up. Couldn't he learn to whistle like he do to warn Ciara? But he probably enjoys scaring me. He wouldn't be the first.

"Do you have any bank or credit cards with RFID?"

I completely blank out on that unexpected question and just look at him.

"Bank cards. RFID. Wireless payment system or access card. You just hold it against the machine and it beeps."

I snort a little when I hear him clarify.

"Yes? I have a couple? Why?"

"If you do not mind I would like to reuse the plastic - it is a thin, flat and flexible insulator - and if they are RFID they have a small fine wire loop antenna inside that might be usefull for small electromagnets in relays, speakers or microphones. I might find a use for the magnetic strip and the chip in the future too. The chip might also have a usefull low drop diode between two poles."

"You have found a use for credit cards here? In the bloody middleages? By recycling everything in them?"

"Yes."

Of course. As if that is completely obvious. It's so very absurd that I can not help giggling, and it gets worse when I realize how exclusive some of those cards are in Midgård's western world, but here they are only valuable for the materials they are made of. So very absurd, and I really want to see it.

"Robert, I love that you found a use for them and you can have all of them, and I am glad I havn't throw them into a fire already. Let me get them."

I start walking away when Robert hurries to remind me to never throw away anything that is from Midgård, even though I think it is rubbish. I should have expected that answer considering how he did not even throw away empty food packaging. It is bloody impressive how he seems to find uses for everything and how he also always seemed to modify everything, or made something because he could not find something that could just be bought. I could have understood technology, but I did not expect him to sew clothes or complicated backpacks and everything else, but that only made it clearer what a fixer and crafter he have been, and why he had it so much easier to adapt to this the world.

He builds and 'mods' for his own or his closest use, not to be known or brag, but he has had far too low ambition and bad business sense. Which is ironic considering what he's been up to since he came to this world. Actually, he does not try to improve the world to become rich or famous, but rather 'fix' it and make it 'better'. Bloody hell, he is 'modding' the world. That matches his attitude to life and motivation.

When I come back, I give him all the cards from the cell phone case, but I'm surprised when he asks me to keep my driver's license and the two most important ones, and it's fun when he obviously have no idea which ones are most important, or most exclusive. It is so like him to not know and consider it completely unnecessary to know. And to point out that there is at least one magnet in the case lock and mobile holder that can be useful, and the stiffness probably comes from a built-in plastic plate or magnetic stainless steel, and reminds me to never throw anything away. He has of course completely missed the mark and logo on the outside, but it is certainly not something he knows about.

"Keep those two and you ID card. They're only usefull here for their materials, and I do not need them. If you ever do get back to Midgård they might be usefull."

What?

"But, you said we are never going back?!"

"That havn't changed, but it is always good to have a backup plan, especially if it's small and light. Here, look at this."

He digs into his pocket and shows how he himself still has a folded banknote in a small pill holder together with a firelighter and his multi-tool. All of which he explains how he of course modified to 'be better' many years ago. He then shows how in his other pocket he has a small leather case with his driver's license, bank card and a metal mirror. It is cute that he is so thorough in explaining and be clear about everything, but holds up and shows the leather case so I won't see the folded Alfheimr condom he has behind it, pretending that it is not there. But I know that Ciara sewed that leather case for him to have a couple of condoms in - he added the cards and mirror afterwards. Always a backup plan, but he avoids topics or insinuations about possible sex with me. He cares so much that our friendship is just that. That we should become friends and only that without sexual tones. From that point of view, he would have prefered that I was a man, because he is so very strongly heterosexual and wants a good friend - not another sexual partner. Especially after Caecilia, who he is still trying to avoid. Which makes it easier, more fun and safer to tease him. How could he have failed to realize that his personal servant would of course be a young sexy woman? And that he most likely would have sex with that woman too?

However, my day has gotten much better, and I will carry these cards with me in the future as a small but bright spot in the dark, to keep the hope to perhaps return to Midgård some day. Before we part, I give him a hug and a kiss on the cheek as a thank you, and it is a nice bonus that it makes him so uncomfortable, and at the same time teases Kari, Iselin, Ciara and Caecilia who of course have watched us.

We manage to reached the islands without problem, and anchored in the Academy's harbor. They will unload tomorrow, as the wind makes it hard tonight. In any case, we made it home before it got dark and can sleep in our own beds. Just one night to enjoy taking a shower, relax and sleeping in my bed. The ship will unload tomorrow and then we will leave heading to Kambsnes to try to buy Dagny's things. It will take something like three weeks, and its cute how adamant Kari is that she needs to share Roberts bed tonight.