Today, I’ve been summoned to the council of elders.

We have been presented with a grave threat

The fate of our rat people lay within the hands of us elders.

A recent report from one of our border rats has told us of a frightening find

A human, with a phoenix as a companion.

It’s unheard of

How can this be?

And why are they marching into our territory?

“Everyone, everyone quiet down quiet down! I, the speaker, hereby proclaim this meeting, started!”

Upon the speaker's words, the hall went silent.

Only a few of the more prominent elders dared speak amongst each other.

Skittering, whispering secrets to one another.

I kept silent, not because I wanted too, but I had no one to speak with.

The speaker looked out over the sea of sitting rats, speaking loud and clear.

“Now, my fellow rats, as some of you have already heard, we are on the precipice of disaster.”

Yeah, you could say that thrice again.

“We have gotten reports from our southern border that there have been a sighting of a human.”

I heard low murmurs amongst the gathered elders.

Yet, those who had spoken before went silent.

And my brow raised questioningly.

“And a phoenix.”

The hall descended into chaos.

The speaker screamed for silence

For order

But it took a gathering of seven elders to silence the big hall. All screaming at each other, taking minutes to calm down.

I just sat there, tapping away with my foot, already aware of the news.

“Now that you have all calmed down. I have some good news. A cohort of our finest warriors has been sent out to try to stop, or incapacitate the threat.”

The gathered elders murmured with each other, not calmed by the speaker's words.

Not surprising.

“And to our great joy, they captured the human without a struggle. And as we speak, they are heading to our forward base down south.”

This time, the elders was pleased, thunderous roars were yelled out.

Rats applauding, laughing, talking loudly amongst each other.

Letting the atmosphere turn brighter, the speaker spoke over the loud elders.

I kept tapping away.

“Now, if the reports are correct, we can either assume that the human and phoenix are either, just traveling together, or in a loose alliance. ”

“The reports say that, even as the phoenix where sitting high above the human, it made no moves to help, nor save the human.”

A loud sigh of relief was heard amongst the elders.

Yet, I wasn’t. I kept tapping away with my foot. Feeling agitated. Something felt wrong.

“But, we can never be too careful. So I want one of you to travel to the forward village in the south and find out why this human is in our land, and what connection it has with the phoenix”

And there it was, the bombshell.

The gathering, turning silent, most letting their eyes meet the floor.

The speaker sighed, shaking his head.

“As I thought, no one is willing.”

The speaker then stood up, his hunched back, a testament of his great age.

“Then, in accordance with the laws. The one responsible for the village has a duty to represent it. And therefore, will be sent there to deal with this new threat. Any objections?”

Dammit, I knew something like this would happen.

And as a matter of fact

I object.

That village happens to belong to me.

“I object speaker on the ground that I have little to no foreign training. This, if I take this task, will be the first time I’ll be interacting with humans.”

I paused for dramatic effect, letting the words sink in with the elders. But most importantly, the speaker.

“With something as delicate as this, should we not send someone with more experience?”

One of the elders in the hall stood up.

Oh no, not him,

He’s more wrinkled than a sour grape, and with the most stupid looking face of anyone I’ve ever seen.

More infuriating than a raging chicken.

Might just be me thinking that though.

“My dear, we all have to start somewhere.”

That stupid old fart, trying to shift all the responsibility on to me. Too afraid to get his paws wet.

“Dear elder. I know I need experience, but a matter with such importance, I really don’t think I should take this”

“Oh dear, don’t worry. You heard the report right? You will only need to ask some questions, and when all goes well, we will have one less human to deal with”

Puh, like you believe your own words, you know just like everyone else that this is nothing but simple.

For this human to so brazenly walk into this forest, it is nothing but simple.

The human can’t be anything but difficult.

If I handle this wrongly, we might be in a war with an unknown tribe of humans.

Those never go good for us, probably just what he wants.

Probably a part of his strategy since he heard about the human.

He was weirdly quiet in the beginning of this hearing.

That old fart.

Suddenly, four other elders stood up, all raising their voices.

“We agree with the honorable elder. She who has reign over the village should be the one dealing with this.”

The four stooges, all in the pocket of that old fart.

My face turning a shade of grey.

Then, as the other elders heard the four elder's words, the proverbial floodgates opened

Loud voices barking out of the hall

All agreeing with the proposition

Gosh darn it.

I’m in deep shit.

“Silence, silence!”

The speaker shouted, waiting for the gathered elders to calm.

“Then, my fellow elders. We have come to an agreement, she who has the honorable task of dealing with the human within our lands shall meet the human by the lands in the south. Council dismissed.”

No, asshole. This is far from all right.

Gaddammit

Standing up, I swiftly make my way to the exit.

Casting a glance backwards, noting a smile on the ugly old fart.

Feeling rage boiling within.

And as I moved towards the exit, elders shuffled out of my way, presumably to avoid getting dragged into my mess.

Like I would ever rely on any of you old farts.

I have a task to complete.

Making my way outside, I’m greeted with the low light of the rising sun.

Looking to the right, I see my small cohort of twenty-seven rat warriors, all armed with the best stone spears made in the entire village.

Maybe the finest warrior in all the lands,

One of the few things I’m proud of.

These rats, they made me who I am today.

We were more before

And we will be many more again.

But if this continues, we might not exist for tomorrow.

Lets pray that this goes well.

“You’ve heard the news. We are heading for the village in the south, gather the supplies and meet me by the gate.”

In unison the rats saluted, then scattered off on four legs, gathering supplies

This will be a long day.

The journey to the village was an uneventful one.

Little happened, but we covered much ground.

Well, I’m not being totally honest when I say uneventful.

We encountered some wildlife, but they were easily dealt with.

Our superior numbers and skill made short work of every enemy.

And soon enough, we were greeted by the sight of the village, and then a scout running towards us.

“Are you the ones sent to deal with the human?”

“Yes, has it arrived yet?”

“No, miss elder, not yet.”

“Good, let’s inform the village, and prepare our greeting.”

As the rat heard my words, he saluted and ran off

Leaving me alone with my small cohort

“Cohort, I want you to stay at the ready, this could get messy and I need reliable rats near me if... no, when something happens, is that clear?”

A wave of salutes washed over me

Filling me with pride

“Good, now. I want you to go where the human is most likely to arrive, ask someone if you need guidance. I’ll stay here to fix a few errands.”

A few nods later and they scurried to action.

Leaving me alone...

….

Omgomgomgomgomg

What have i gotten myself into?

This is so much more scary than I would have ever thought.

Maybe it’s a huge human who’s fought rats for decades?

Or one of those super scary human wizards I’ve heard of. I think they could shoot fire out of their hands!

THEIR HANDS!

How is that even possible?

And what if the human is friends with that phoenix?

I’ve never even heard of someone meeting a phoenix.

Let alone befriending it.

Oh no, I wanna go home

Mommy, why was I blessed with such a beautiful voice?

If it were not for this voice, I would have never gotten such a following:

Leading rats to battle

Getting political power as I rose through the ranks

I never asked for this.

Oh, someone is coming.

“Ahem, what is it?”

“The humans here!”

“Here? quickly show me”

Turning around, the rat started running on two feet to let me easily follow behind.

A few minutes later, I saw a gathering of rats, all looking a little eager.

Presumably surrounding the human.

“Give way, give way, I’m here to speak with the human.”

The rats that belonged to my cohort swiftly created a pathway for me to walk through, unhindered to the human.

Then I saw it

The human,

Disturbingly ugly

Truly something straight out of a nightmare.

But if I recall correctly, humans do not like when you point out this fact.

Okay good, keep calm

Remember your training.

...

I really dont like this.

“Hello Human, You may wonder why we have taken you.”

Good, nice, strong and solid voice

“Er, yeah”

Er? Is she that confident about her situation?

And what a hideous voice. Sounds so slimy and wet

As if she's gurgling oil while speaking.

“But before we answer your questions, we need answers first. How did you find our territory?”

“You guys found me!”

Pfff, such lies

Humans are worse with their words than I thought

Good.

This is nothing, I can handle this.

“No, you stumbled upon one of our sentries, they just hid before you or the phoenix could incinerate them”

“Oh you mean him, yeah he’s my friend!”

...

A-a...

A FREIND?!

Oh no, it is as we feared

This is the worst possible situation.

What do I do?

WHAT DO I DO?!

Oh no, I wanna go home.

No! Focus, how do I minimise losses?

How do I fix this situation?

Gaddammit, why did I not focus more on human history and culture

This would have been so much easier.

“Human, we.. We, mean no harm, I-we, of the tribe just, wanted to assure that you where not a... Threat to our survival... Yo-you won’t cause us harm?”

“Haha Sure! I actually did not know you lived here so erm. Sorry for intruding, I was actually on an adventure towards the elf kingdom!”

...

What?

Erm, wait, what?

Is it serious?

As in, they are on a task to go the elf kingdom?

...

It would answer why it has a phoenix as a friend.

Maybe this can be solved peacefully.

But I need more answers.

I need to know more.

Let’s take a risk and ask it.

“But, ehm, human. I am not here to question you nor your journey but. The elf kingdom is an ocean and continent away, the journey on foot could take months, if not years.”

The human turned quiet,

Her face distorting into a...

Frown?

Human faces are hard to decipher, but if I know my human emotions correctly, that means.

That it is displeased.

Oh no, have I spoken too much?

Is it angry with me?

What have I done

“What?”

“I-I MEAN NO DISRESPECT!”

I need to show it how sorry I am.

I need to bow.

Here, I showed you my bare stomach.

Please don't cut me down

Please, I don't wanna die

Mommy.

“Erm, no disrespect, taken? Dont worry about it”

Oh

Erm

Ahem…

I think that was unnecessary.

How emberassing

But anyway, this is good. It feels as if I can do this.

Now think, remember back on human culture.

When you’ve wronged someone, your supposed to pay them back, right?

Crap… It’s for the better good. I need to do this.

“Human, I must say, we of the tribe, want to express our sincerest apology. I have heard that some of our, people, has treated you badly, so in recompense you may do with them as you please.”

I hope their families can forgive me.

It is for the greater good!

“And please, join us for the festivities.”

“Eeer, sure? I guess, why not”

Yes, the negotiating is a success!

Can’t wait to see that old farts face when I come back alive.

Now I’ll have plenty of time to question it

The perfect plan

Nothing can go wrong.

Uhm, just to be sure, let’s

See if the human wants something.

Wait, stop thinking, it’s saying something.

“When will the, er, party? Be ready.”

Oh, that. It will have to wait for tonight. Until then, I’ve been bestowed the great honor of showing you our great tribe. If you have any questions, feel free to ask me.”

“Hmmm, then I have one question. Why are you doing this for me?”

“Oh eh-he, erm... Yo-you”

Oh, oh no.

Is it referring to how we kidnapped it?

How could I be so careless?

How could I forget

I-I need to do something

Think

THINK!

Oh, yes, perfect!

If she gets her revenge immediately, she might be to lost in the pleasure that she won’t think about the kidnapping?

Yes! Aahaha...

Perfect plan

I signaled one of my rat men to bring forth the four rat men who had kidnapped her.

All stripped naked

Then give them a signal to get up here.

“I have brought those that dared kidnap you, dear human. I also heard that they used some, improper means of attacking you. I’m deeply sorry. You may do as you wish with them”

This should sort things out.

Sometimes I impress myself.

Hopefully, this will be enough to please the human.

Four random rats are a small price to pay for the safety of the tribe.

...

Wait

What is it doing?

It’s

Kicking them?

Why?

“Ehm, human? Why did you kick them?”

Gaddammit, I have to think before talking

I’m in no place to question the logic-

“What? They kicked me, an eye for an eye as they say. But I gotta say, thank you for letting me kick them like that. I’ve been building up some real frustration out there in the woods”

Huh

…

I guess

She got her revenge?

Hmmm

“So what are you showing me? I so want to see where you guys poop.”

Oh right, the human...

Poop?

What?

“Our, poop?”

“Yeah, I’ve heard that any good civilisation knows how to handle their poop. So if you guys have a good system for poop, I’m totally giving you guys a thumbs up!”

“I-I see, well then, this way human.”

What the hell is this human saying?

I’ve never heard of human culture valuing poop

But, I guess human culture was never my strong suit in school.

...

Just let it be

I guess there is no harm of showing it our...

Poop

“HEELLLOOO! AAH, YOUR ALL SOO CUUUUTE!”

Oh no, what happened

I let my eyes wander for only a few seconds. Where is it?

There

No, it is by our daycare house.

That can't be good

“Hey, translate for me!”

Oh no, what should I do

Ehm,

Please kids

Don't ehm, say anything bad

“Hey kids, you. Are. All. So. CUTE!”

I translated slowly for the kids, trying to make them understand that the human is friendly.

Then in a chorus of voices, the kids started talking, very loudly

And in an attempt to translate as many of them as possible

I spoke without thinking.

Calling the human

Ugly and smelly

...

What have I done?

“No, you guys smell... and you are stupid!”

Then everything descended into chaos.

I did not bother to try to translate for the human

But the human seemed to pick up what they were saying.

Face turning more and more red

Whatever that meant could not be good.

Then the unthinkable happened.

“Stupid kids, is this a declaration of war? DO YOU WANNA SEE THE POWER OF HUMANS!”

It has turned for the worst, the kids accidentally declared war.

How?

I have no idea, maybe humans declare war by physical contact.

But the how does not matter

For we are in a state of war.

Our only chance is to kill it quickly so that the news cannot spread

And just hope that the phoenix is more lenient towards diplomacy than this human.

...

But.

Oh my holy rat

The human is strong, stronger than anything I have ever seen.

With just a poke of its finger, a rat falls

Holy

This is bad.

Really bad.

I think this is a human wizard.

Why does it have to be a human wizard?

Just think

Think!

It could probably blow up this entire village with its human hand.

We need to stop this

I need to stop this.

Making a gesture with my arms, I waved in my cohort,

They quickly followed, waiting for their orders.

“This has escalated beyond our imagination, our kids has accidentally declared war.”

Upon hearing our words, all grabbed their spears harder, pointing it at the human

“NO! WE MUST STAY OUR HAND, this may be a slaughter, but if we show that we are not involved with our kid's actions, it may have mercy on us”

“Just look how effortlessly it is slaughtering our kind, Its probably just saving its power to release it on us if we move closer.”

“So we must... show aggression towards the kids.”

Most of my cohort looked at me sadly, although they listened, knowing from years of experience that I always took the right course of action.

Or have I?

Will we have to slaughter our kind just to please one human?

How low must we go?

How low must I go.

....

Wait..

The human

Fell?

And it is, what do they call that again?

Laughing?

...

Did the kids win? or wait, is the human just playing with us?

Are we that weak that she can laugh in the face of death?

Are we just ants in her presence?

“Erm, what’s happening?”

As the human said that, I shook myself out of my stupor.

Maybe I can still solve this disaster.

“Human! Please don’t declare war! I promise that these kids meant no harm, they just... Wanted to play, their primitive minds far outweighs their tactical thinking. Please I beg of you”

The human stayed silent for a moment.

“But.. I just said that as a joke.”

...

“What? but... you, killed those kids”

...

They are, moving.

Did they play dead?

“Oh, ehm, human? Is this, human way of, playing with kids?”

“Errrr, not really, I guess it's a, me way of playing. Hehehe”

“Okay, I think I understand”

I don't understand at all

What the hell?

What is even happening?

Is this the human's way of humiliating me?

I brought an entire cohort to try to bring peace.

And you where just

Playing?

“Now, towards the poop hole!”

...

Have I been wrong this entire time?

Is this human not here to fight?

Is she actually telling the truth?

Have I been overthinking this whole situation?

...

I am really stupid

So stupid