After a month of sleeping, Lolo’s body was weak. Philige sent someone to look for Jadu and then helped Lolo sit up so she could meditate in an effort to give her some strength before she tired out too much.

Meditating was tough. First, Lolo felt exhausted and had a hard time staying focused. Second, the Silver Wolf was similarly struggling to efficiently absorb energy, and Lolo could feel that strain too.

“Silver Wolf, are you alright?”

“I just woke up too. I’m tired.”

“What happened?”

“I’m not sure. I thought we were both dead.”

“How did we die? Or not die rather?”

“I don’t remember.”

“Me neither.”

The meditation ended when neither Lolo nor her wolf spirit could continue any longer, and Lolo opened her eyes to see a very concerned Philige.

“What’s wrong?”

Philige pressed his sleeve to her face to soak up the copious amounts of sweat that had accumulated there. “You seem more tired now than when you started.”

“I am tired.”

“Can you stay awake until Jadu gets here?”

“I’ll try. Philige, can you tell me what happened?”

“What do you mean?”

“I heard you say something about a battle? Do you mean the battle here in the Bear Tribe? Is that why I’ve been sleeping?”

“You don’t remember?”

She shook her head.

“What’s the last thing that you do remember?”

“I’m not sure. I remember waking up after the Bear Tribe battle and Shanti told me that… well, that I’d…”

“... lost a baby,” Philige finished for her.

Lolo took a shuddering breath and continued. “You were poisoned. I went to a bunch of meetings with the council of elders. And then you woke up… and then… and then something happened.”

“Do you remember talking to Tamkhee?”

“Captain Yudha? From the Dragon Tribe?! Why would I be talking to him?”

“He surrendered to Ulana during the Bear Tribe battle as a prisoner of war. Do you remember declaring yourself as a primordial?”

“No. We had called a tribe leader’s meeting to do that, but the Bear Tribe battle happened and we had to cancel.”

“Do you remember anything about the Black Dragon?”

“Yes, though I’m surprised you’ve heard of him. He’s the Blue Dragon’s twin brother. He’s the one that started the ancient war against humans and the primordials.”

“Anything… else?”

“Is there anything in particular that I’m supposed to remember about the Black Dragon?”

“Lolo, what do you remember about your mission as a primordial?”

“We are supposed to find the council dissident behind this war and stop them to end it.”

“Would it surprise you to know that you already completed your mission?”

“What?”

“Lolo, the war is over.”

Lolo was staring at Philige as though he had two heads. It’s not that she didn’t believe him exactly. It was more that she didn’t understand how she could forget something like that. “The war is over?”

He nodded. “Yes. Thanks to you. And not just our war against the Dragon Tribe, but the ancient primordials’ war as well.”

She laughed as though this were a joke that she’d just understood the punchline for. “That’s not possible, Philige. You’re just teasing me.”

“You really don’t remember?”

Outside, Lolo and Philige heard people running. Someone knocked loudly on the door.

“Philige, I’m here,” Jadu shouted. He sounded anxious. “I-I brought the team just in case… just in case this is it.”

“Come in, Jadu,” Philige called.

The door swung open with a bang, and Lolo’s team crashed through the door, rushing to the bed to check on her. It occurred a little late to Philige that when he’d sent for Jadu, he hadn’t explained why he had sent for him. As her team caught sight of Huo Lohse awake and sitting up, everyone froze. Philige had the sense to move out of the way for whatever came next.

“Lolo?” Ulana didn’t dare to believe what she was seeing.

Utterly perplexed by her teammates’ behavior, Huo Lohse raised her hand in a sort of wave and greeted them with a rather subdued “hey, guys.”

Jadu collapsed into the nearest chair and laughed, relieving a month’s worth of tension and anxiety all in one go.

Ulana tackled her friend, jumping on top of Lolo, knocking her over backwards, and straddling her with a giant, suffocating hug. “You’re ALIVE!!”

Fortus took the seat that Philige had just vacated next to Lolo and waited for his turn to hug her while trying and failing to not cry.

Standig continued staring, frozen like a statue, his typical emotional constipation preventing him from reacting properly in the moment.

With tears dried up and hugs all around, Philige steered the conversation back to Huo Lohse’s troubling memory loss. “She hardly remembers anything after the Bear Tribe battle, he explained to Jadu. She remembers having the miscarriage and filling in for me as the Bear Tribe leader, but that’s about it. She doesn’t remember talking to Tamkhee, or anything after that.”

“That means, in your mind, Lolo, the war isn’t over yet,” Fortus realized.

“Philige told me that the war was over, that we’ve completed our mission already. I don’t mean to doubt you, Philige, but, Fortus, is that true?”

“It’s true, Lolo.”

Lolo scowled, soaking this information in and pondering. “Philige also told me that we somehow ended the primordial war, but that’s impossible, isn’t it?”

“No, Lolo. You destroyed the Black Dragon. His powers, his ultimate, is what made it possible for the council dissidents to invade hosts. With his destruction came the end of the primordial war as well.”

“So, wait.... Are you saying that the Black Dragon was this cycle’s council dissident?”

“Yes.”

“But if I killed his host, couldn’t his spirit simply return again someday?”

“The Silver Wolf and the Black Bear destroyed the Black Dragon’s primordial spirit.”

“How did they do that?”

“They… I don’t know. I sort of saw what happened through Standig’s eyes, but I was paying closer attention to you rather than the battle. You were in rough shape. The Black Dragon nearly killed you.”

“Is that why I can’t remember any of this?”

“I don’t know. Jadu?” Fortus bowed to Jadu’s expertise.

“It’s not unheard of for people to experience amnesia after a traumatic incident, but for you to have blocked out all memories of the two plus weeks leading up to the trauma as well, that’s… strange.”

“Her memory loss starts about the time she spoke with Tamkhee,” Ulana observed. “That’s how we found out about the Black Dragon in the first place. Maybe she somehow blocked out everything about the Black Dragon?”

Jadu shrugged. “It’s possible, I suppose.”

“I guess the next question is: what should we do about this now?” Standig said. “It would be easy enough to remind her of the events of the battle and such with a quick partner meditation, jog her memory a bit. But is that even safe?”

“I wouldn’t risk that until Lolo has completely recovered. She only just woke up. Reminding her of her trauma now would be unwise at best,” Jadu declared.

“Actually, speaking of, I’m really tired,” Lolo apologized. “Is it safe for me to sleep?”

“It should be,” Jadu nodded. “And you will need to rest a lot for the next while until you recover. I’ll come check on you in the morning.”

Lolo nodded. “I’m sorry to have worried all of you. I’ll see you tomorrow?”

“Definitely,” Ulana grinned, suddenly a little moist around the eyes.

The primordials hugged Lolo on their way out, and Philige reclaimed his spot on the bed next to his wife as she laid back down on her pillow.

“Philige, I’m sorry I don’t remember.”

“It’s not your fault, Lolo.”

“Did anything important happen during those weeks?”

He thought about it for a minute. “Do you remember talking about our daughter?”

She choked up. “No."

"Her name is Xini Schonehm, and she is buried in the orchard under our favorite tree.”

Lolo smiled and worked to keep her tears contained.

“Do you remember that I promised you something?”

“No. What did you promise me?”

He smiled. “That’s maybe a discussion for another time.”

“Can’t you tell me now?”

“I don’t want to overwhelm you too much, Lolo. Besides,” subtly, his grin shifted to a tease, “I want to give you a reason to wake up again tomorrow.”

“You’re terrible,” Lolo laughed.

“But you love me,” he said with a cheeky peck on her nose.

Lolo caught his collar and tugged him closer until he was squished against her. “I do, Philige. I really do love you.”

Philige choked as he fought a new flood of tears. He’d thought so many times over that he’d give anything to hear Lolo tell him that again. Hearing her say that now…. He kissed her tenderly at first. She was fatigued, and he didn’t want to add to that. It felt incredible to kiss her again, to feel her kiss him back, and, oh, how he had missed her. Soft kisses quickly became earnest which escalated into a frenzied release of all the fear, grief, and anguish he’d kept bottled up for the last month.

Sensing the tumult behind his kisses, Huo Lohse accepted them without question, responding in kind as much as she was able and becoming emotional herself. She’d missed him so badly, it hurt, so she could only imagine how he felt.

“Lolo, I love you too. So, so much.”

***

"You realize that we're going to have to tell her eventually, right?" Ulana said. "The longer we wait, the worse it's going to be."

The boys all shifted uncomfortably. These afternoon get-togethers to discuss Lolo's memory loss and next steps were becoming routine.

"She's already been awake for over a week. We have to tell her."

"Jadu, do you think she could handle a partner meditation yet?" Standig asked hopefully. "It would simplify a lot, and it would set the stage to tell her the rest of it."

"I still don't like the idea of messing with her head, but you're right. It would make this much simpler. What do you think, Philige?"

"I think it should be her choice. She's been asking a lot of questions, and she already knows that we are keeping things from her. But she is meditating normally again, and her strength has returned. Medically, not that I'm a doctor, I think she has fully recovered."

Jadu nodded. "I agree. Medically, I don't have a good reason to say no."

Standig released a deep breath. "The rest of you may want to be there for the fall-out. She'll likely need the extra support."

Even though it was cold outside, Huo Lohse was wandering the north garden again while she thought. She was trying so hard to remember everything. Her friends had given her a recap of the events that she’d apparently forgotten, but, try as she might to remember the events herself, she just couldn’t. It was distressing to know what she was supposed to know without actually knowing it.

And she knew that Philige and her team weren’t telling her everything, which made her nervous. Jadu and Philige had both explained that there were certain details they were leaving out until she could remember the rest of it, and that made sense, -ish, except Lolo had this foreboding feeling in her gut every time she thought about what they might be keeping from her. There had been a battle. People die in war. Lolo suspected these details may have something to do with that.

Her dad and brothers hadn’t visited her or written to her since she’d woken up either which seemed odd. Philige said that he’d written to them to tell them that she’d woken up and to explain her memory loss, and her dad had written a letter back thanking him for the update. But that was it.

If only she could remember! Then she’d get her answers.

“Lolo?”

“Guys! You’re all here…. What’s going on?” Her eyes narrowed at them suspiciously.

“Lolo, we’ve been talking,” Philige prefaced. “Jadu has cleared you medically for a partner meditation with Standig to try and recover your memories.”

“It’s not without risks,” Jadu added. “The memories were obviously traumatic enough for you to block them out. Reminding you of them again may have unforeseen consequences.”

“But you have that choice,” Philige smiled gently at her.

“And you’re all here because you suspect that I’m going to take that offer,” Lolo deduced. “You’re worried about me and how I’ll take it.”

Her team exchanged furtive glances, but Philige held her gaze and nodded. “Yes. These memories will be painful for you to remember, but you deserve to know the truth if you think you’re ready for it.”

“Philige, do you think I’m ready?”

“I don’t want to see you in pain, but this is something that can’t be avoided. You can put it off if you want to or try to remember it by yourself; that won’t make it easier in the long run. Only you can know if you’re ready, though. This has to be your choice.”

“My choice,” Lolo repeated. “Then, I’d like to try it. Can we do it tonight after I have a chance to meditate again?”

That evening, in the ancient meditation circle, Standig took Lolo’s hands as Philige, Fortus, Ulana and Jadu with his medkit watched.

“Standig,” Lolo looked at him steadily, “don’t leave anything out.”

“I won’t. I’m going to show you everything from interrogating Tamkhee through to when you fell asleep.”

Lolo nodded and they both closed their eyes.

“And now we wait,” Ulana said, flopping onto the ground with a sigh.

“How long do you think this will take?” Philige asked.

Fortus shrugged. “Who knows? The partner meditation stuff is kind of their thing. The rest of us never got into it.”

As Standig ended the merge, his eyes shot open, anxiously studying Lolo’s face. She was pale and sweaty. Her hands were trembling in his. “Are you alright?”

Lolo’s head was spinning. Standig had been thorough, and Lolo found herself struggling to distinguish his memories from her own resurfacing ones. The mental gymnastics was dizzying. Feeling a growing wave of nausea, Lolo bolted for the trees where she dropped to her knees and retched.

Philige found her and pulled her hair back.

“How many?”

“What?”

“How many people died? Who died? That’s what you’ve been keeping from me, isn’t it?”

“Yes.”

“The Black Dragon told me that one of my brothers died during our fight.” Lolo choked up and had to pause to gag again. “Is it true?”

This was not how Philige had planned to tell her this. “Haowan. Lolo, Haowan was killed protecting Zhongyan.”

“That’s why he produced the Alpha Call,” Lolo connected in a stunned whisper.

“Yes.”

“Zhongyan... how is he?”

“He took it pretty hard, but Et’zana has been by his side. They’re engaged now. The wedding is being planned for sometime in May.” Philige paused to let this news sink in before continuing. “We waited to tell you all of this because it was important for you to understand the context before hearing the casualty report.”

Comprehension dawned. Haowan wasn’t the only casualty. “Who else, Philige?”

“Lolo, the alliance collectively lost over ninety-thousand soldiers. The Dragon Tribe lost nearly the same.”

That was almost half of the alliance army. “Who else, Philige?”

He released a deep breath and began to list off names slowly and quietly. “General Starkam, Ernkit, Begrent, Fengli, Jianshu, Artibus, Kuchezan and Tribe Leader Utu were killed along with the entire Panther Tribe army, Galod and a number of the other Phoenix Tribe captains that Ulana says you knew personally. There may be others that you knew but I didn’t. We lost a lot of good people, Lolo.”

What little color was left in her face faded away. She didn’t know how to handle this news. Shock didn’t come close to describing her feelings. Philige seemed to understand and sat quietly while she processed. She wanted to cry, but the tears wouldn’t come. She wanted to scream, but the tightness in her throat wouldn’t allow it. Her nausea and lightheadedness increased again, forcefully expelling the remaining contents of her stomach.

Huo Lohse woke up the next morning feeling a confusing mix of emotions. Fortus was dozing in a chair next to the bed. Philige had probably left for one of his meetings but didn’t want her to be alone when she woke up.

Quietly, so as not to disturb her friend, Lolo got up to wash the lingering bile taste out of her mouth and splash some water on her face. Not wanting to deal with her hair, she smoothed it into a ponytail, grabbed a warm cloak, and slipped out of the room to get some fresh air. It was early December, and there was already a healthy blanket of snow on the ground in some places here in the northern mountains of the Bear Tribe.

She found Philige on his way out of The Great Hall, and something fell into place in her head.

“You’re up,” he seemed relieved.

“Do you have some time to take a walk with me?”

“To the orchard?”

“Mn.”

“I can make some time. Give me a minute.” Philige found a couple of elders leaving the hall to help him adjust his meeting schedule.

“Are you ready?”

He smiled and took her hand.

“Lolo, you'd better be alright. Giving me the slip already?! If something happens to you, Philige will kill me.”

“I’m sorry, Fortus. I didn’t want to wake you. I’m with Philige right now though, so you’re off the hook. Thanks for looking out for me.” Lolo looked up at Philige to prove that she was actually with him and broke the connection.

They reached their favorite tree at the back of the apple orchard before starting a conversation.

“I remembered what you promised me.”

“You did?” Philige hadn’t actually told Lolo what he’d promised her as he felt it would be unwise to add to her stress, and he was enjoying teasing her about it anyway.

“Actually, I think I remember everything now.”

“You do?”

“Philige, do you intend to keep your promise?”

“Are you sure that you’re ready for that? A lot has happened since then.”

She sat down under the tree where the branches had shielded the ground from collecting snow and allowed her tears to fall freely. “I woke up this morning feeling the grief from everything as you would expect, but I was really confused because I was also feeling hopeful. It took until I saw you for me to figure out why.”

Philige joined her under the tree, draping an arm around her waist while she talked.

“Back when I asked you to make that promise, I’d just learned that I was going to have to be the one to face the Black Dragon, and I thought I was going to die. Even the Silver Wolf expected that we’d die taking him down.”

“You were planning on dying?!”

She nodded. “But before I found out, I’d already decided that I wanted to start our family, so when you came looking for me, I talked about that instead. I didn’t want you to worry, and having something to look forward to on the slim chance that I did escape alive.... I fought a lot longer and a lot harder because of that hope.”

“So you left that morning before the battle fully expecting that we’d never see each other again. When you said good-bye, you actually meant forever?!”

“Yes, but I hoped that I was wrong.”

“And yet you still almost died. In the end, you still sacrificed yourself!”

“There was no other way.”

“Lolo-”

She cut him off and calmed him down with a kiss.

“Lolo, it’s your turn to promise me something.”

“What’s that?”

“No more suicide missions, at the very least, not without consulting me first.”

She smiled. “I promise. But now it’s your turn. Do you intend to keep your promise?”

Philige couldn’t help but smile back at her. “I’m looking forward to it.”