Toward the end of April, the apple trees were transitioning from bud to blossom. The orchard had a delicate, fruity smell, and the air hummed with the buzzing of pollinators seeking the sweetest blooms.

“So, how was training today?” Philige asked as they found seats on the mossy carpet.

“Standig was less cranky today, so that helped. Jadu has been rereading his book to look for clues on final training steps. Ulana has been inventing aerials specifically to involve her shurikens. She has impressive aim with those things. It’s kind of terrifying, actually. And Fortus has been studying maps of all the tribes’ territories, trying to figure out every tactical advantage and weakness of the various terrains should we be called upon to fight there. I’m glad he’s on our team. I don’t have that kind of patience.”

As she talked, a honey bee decided to rest on her shoulder and got tangled in her silky black hair. “Well, hello there, silly thing!” Lolo laughed as she tried to shake the bee free. “That’s not the best perch.” The bee seemed determined to hang onto her hair.

Philige was amused as he watched Lolo struggle to get the bee off. “Here, Lolo, let me help.” He moved closer to pull little strands of her hair away from the bee one at a time until there wasn’t anything left for it to cling to.

“Thank you for that,” Lolo said as the bee flew away. She looked up to find that Philige was gazing at her with an unusual intensity. “Philige?”

“Lolo, I’ve got to go,” he said and stood up abruptly to walk away.

“Go? We just got here!” she protested, rising to her feet as well.

“I’m sorry.”

“Are you alright?”

“Yeah, Lolo. I’m fine,” Philige said, avoiding eye contact.

Lolo was really confused. “I guess, same time tomorrow then?”

“Actually... I’m not so sure that this is a good idea anymore.”

“Wait, what?! You don’t want to take walks with me anymore? Why not?” Lolo tried to mask the reactive hurt in her voice, but Philige caught it anyway.

He took a deep breath and stepped back. He knew that this seemed to come out of nowhere for her, and, at a minimum, he owed her an explanation. “Ok.... Ok. Lolo, I told you a while ago that I have feelings for you. At that time, I told you I would wait for you to be ready, and I meant it. But….”

“But what?” she prompted when Philige didn’t continue.

“... But it was naïve of me to think that I could do that and spend so much time with you.”

“I don’t understand.”

“My feelings for you have been growing, Lolo. It’s getting harder.”

“What’s getting harder?”

“Take just now as an example. It took everything in me to stop myself from….” He made eye contact with her and his face went pink. He couldn't continue and turned away, shaking his head.

“From what, Philige?”

“Man, it sounds so cheesy," he whispered to himself. Lost in his own thoughts, Philige laughed softly before taking a deep breath and bravely turning back around to answer Lolo. “It took everything in me to stop myself from kissing you.” When Lolo didn’t respond right away, Philige decided that retreat was the better part of valor and took a step to move past her.

Lolo was feeling thoroughly disconcerted but not because of what Philige had said. It was more because she was feeling... disappointed, maybe? But she was also strangely happy and something else... something new that she couldn't identify. Regardless, her feelings didn't seem to make sense. One thing was certain, however. She didn't want him to leave, especially not like this. Before Philige could walk past her, Lolo caught his face with one hand and pulled it down toward hers in a kiss that startled them both.

He stepped away, more from surprise than anything else, and waited for Lolo to explain herself with a look of utter bewilderment taking over his expression.

“What if….” Still struggling to understand her own feelings (and her resulting actions), Lolo awkwardly worked to find the right words. “What if I don’t want you to stop yourself anymore?”

It clicked that she had just given him permission, and Philige kissed her hungrily, pulling her close and lifting her slightly off the ground as her right arm wrapped around his neck and her left hand tangled itself up in his hair.

When they came up for air again, Philige immediately started questioning everything and set her down. “You’re sure about this? About us?” She smiled maddeningly at him, and Philige began to feel desperate. “Lolo, are you really ready?”

Her heart seemed to answer him before her head had time to catch up. “I don’t think there will ever be a perfect moment when I am absolutely ready. What I do know is this: you are here now, and I like you a lot. I will regret it if we don’t try.”

That was good enough. Philige felt like his chest was going to burst as he pulled her back in. He had been waiting for this moment for a very long time.

***

“'Ready to try this, Ulana?”

She laughed nervously and shifted her weight from side to side from her seat on the grass. “I think so. What do I have to do?”

Lolo sat down in front of Ulana and took her time collecting Ulana's hands in a firm, reassuring hold. “It’s actually very simple. I’m going to take some deep breaths, and you’re going to breathe with me. Let yourself relax like you do when you meditate, and then I will do the rest.”

“You’re sure about this?”

“Ulana, if you’re feeling uncomfortable still-”

“No, no! It’s ok. I know it shouldn’t freak me out, but it just seems too weird.”

“We can stop now,” Lolo reminded her.

“No. Let’s just do this... get it over with.”

“Ok. Is there anything in particular that you’d like me to show you?” Lolo asked.

“Um... something fun, relaxing, happy.... Oh! I’ve got it! Show me something from when you were a kid.”

“Alright, let me think,” Lolo pondered for a moment. “Got it! 'You ready? Deep breaths.”

Lolo closed her eyes to breathe and Ulana copied her. It took a little longer for Ulana to relax, but Lolo was patient with her. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale….

Ulana looked around. She was near a lake. Crescent Lake!

“One, two, three, four, five….” a little girl with long snaggled black hair had her face pressed against her hands to cover her eyes as she counted. “... twenty-eight, twenty-nine, thirty! It’s hunting time!” A little Lolo, probably about six years old, took off running to search for her brothers amongst the trees in the direction of some shuffling noises.

“BOO!!” an older boy, about ten years old, shouted as he jumped out at her from his hiding place. This must be one of the oldest twins.

Lolo shrieked and ran away giggling, forgetting that she was ‘it’ and supposed to tag him.

“Lolo, you’re forgetting something!” her brother shouted.

“Oh! Right! Sorry, Rensui.” Lolo turned back around to give chase.

With Lolo’s short little legs, Rensui could have easily out-run her, but he stayed just a couple steps out of reach, leading her through the trees.

“BOO!!” The rest of her brothers jumped out at her from all directions as Rensui led Lolo into the middle of their trap.

Lolo screamed and laughed almost simultaneously from the rush of being frightened in such a happy way. Qingchi snagged his sister from behind to tickle her. She collapsed into the dirt to flail and laugh until Qingchi released her.

“Hey! I’m supposed to get you!” Lolo pouted playfully.

“Then you’d better run!”

Lolo stood up as her brothers took off laughing in all directions.

The merge ended and Ulana’s face instantly cracked into a smile. “Ok. That was unnecessarily adorable.”

Lolo grinned. “What did you think?”

“I think you have the best brothers in the whole world! So cute!”

“It’s true. I love my brothers.”

“You must miss them.”

Lolo nodded. “But at least I have you guys.”

“Aww,” came Ulana’s nose-scrunched, sugar-laden reaction.

“What did you think about the partner meditation experience?”

“By design, that was a very safe experience to start with. The process is simple enough. I might have to do that a few more times with you to get comfortable with it. I know I’m the hold-out for trying the group meditation thing, but, if you’re willing to help me get used to the partner meditations first, I might come around.”

“I’m willing,” Lolo nodded. “You should know, with the whole group meditation thing, it will likely be a less controlled experience. You may want to try a more standard partner meditation too sometime.”

“That’s fair. Maybe another day? For right now though, let’s stick with the cute little Lolo stories,” Ulana teased gently.

***

Huo Lohse was getting tired of Standig’s resolve to punish himself. That’s the only reason she could think of for why he was acting this way. Every now and then, for just a moment, he would forget to be angry with himself, and Lolo would catch a glimpse of the real Standig before he seemed to remember that happiness was something that he no longer deserved and shut down again. It was getting frustrating, and he was taking his anger out on the team which wasn’t fair.

Steeling herself to confront him about this, Lolo pulled him aside one afternoon. “Standig, we need to talk.” She watched his face carefully for chinks in his indecipherable mask.

“Why?”

“Because we are friends.”

His mask cracked a little, giving Lolo a window into his self-loathing.

“Come on,” Lolo grabbed his arm and pulled him down onto the grass as he grumbled under his breath.

“What do you want to talk about?”

“You. I want to talk about you.”

Standig sighed heavily. “What about me?”

“You’re punishing yourself, and I don’t like it. When are you going to forgive yourself?”

He shook his head and snorted as he tried and failed to contain an ironic laugh. “You want me to forgive myself? After what I did to you? After everything that happened as a result?!”

Lolo had anticipated that Standig would try to bait her into a fight instead of acknowledging the real issue, and she'd come to the conversation prepared with an abundance of patience and forbearance. “I’ve forgiven you, Standig. I’m ready to have my friend back,” she said softly, being intentional about making eye contact.

Another chink in his mask, this time revealing a profound sadness.

Lolo drove a wedge deeper into that chink by taking his hand and pleading, “Standig, I miss you.”

Pulling his hand out of her grip, Standig cleared his throat and turned his face away, trying to repair the cracks in his facade.

Before she completely lost him again, Lolo got up onto her knees to wrap her arms around his neck and bury her face into his shoulder. “Standig, please come back? Please? Watching you do this to yourself is hurting me.”

She had him. Standig fought his tears to no avail, and once they started, they were impossible to stop. He sniffed a little and felt Lolo’s arms immediately tighten their hold around his neck. Hesitantly, Standig allowed himself to hug her back, and he felt himself melt even further. His suppressed anger, sadness, fear, and self-hatred began washing slowly away.

Lolo hadn’t realized exactly how much she missed Standig until she hugged him. She hadn’t hugged him since before the battle. Feeling him cry against her shoulder, Lolo broke into silent tears too. She smiled, remembering her very first conversation with Philige in the apple orchard. When feeling messed-up on the inside, a good cry really does help to sort things out.