It was the second day of my fight with Jing and still nothing. I sat anxiously in the classroom, shaking my leg up and down watching her back as if observing a statue in a museum.

Is she seriously not going to apologise? Or is she just going to pretend like nothing happened again?

The bell rang and thus the horde of hungry teens rushed out the door to buy their food. "Hey Khim! What do you want to eat today? I'm thinking Tom Yim sounds pretty good." Jing was at my table, talking to me. But there she goes again, pretending like nothing happened. Pretending like she did nothing wrong, and like always, I just go along with it. Maybe not this time though. "Tom Yum sounds good. But an apology sounds better." I smiled at her, expecting a shocked or funny face but was met with a pissed expression and her scoffing.

"You're still mad about that? Come on it's not like I said anything horrible. I just thought you would want to hang out with her again. You know… Like old times? You, me and Tracy all together? Damn I miss those times. We were all cool and it's not a big deal so why can't you just-" I felt a stinging pain in my hand, accompanied by the loud echo of a table being slammed.

She stopped to look at me. "Yo bro why did you do that? Scared the shit out of me." Before I knew it, the area around my eyes was heating up and tears were at the brink of rolling down my cheeks.

"Yo. Are you actually serious? I would think you of all people would know why the hell I don't want to go back with her, let alone talk to her. Do you remember what I said when I found out about her wounds? I was so scared every single day that something would happen to her and gave her all my concern. I gave her time, care, a safe place but she just treated me like a fucking fly that was bothering her. And months later she comes back and talks to me like nothing happened?" My voice echoed around the classroom and I could feel the stares of multiple people coming from outside the classroom. She readjusted her stance. "At least she came back to you. Unlike you who unfriends people and don't even say a word. Think about Chloe! You two were the best of friends and one day you just felt that she was annoying and stopped talking to her! Both Tracy and I felt like we were walking on eggshells whenever we talked to her with you around."

I took a deep breath and felt my tears escape my eyes. "I told the both of you I didn't mind yall hanging out, I just wouldn't be there with yall. You guys were the ones who were so insistent on me hanging out with all of you! Yes, I'm a huge asshole and hypocrite. I know I am! I'm a coward who can't communicate well with people and I make horrible decisions that affect people too! But this one isn’t out of cowardice… It wasn’t out of annoyance. I got tired of waiting for something that would never come. You know this better than anyone else yet why can't you understand it! Every time you bring her up I explain the reasons over and over and over again to you but you just seem to not get it. Or do you just not want to understand it? You want to live your life as some happy-go-lucky teen who couldn't give a second to actually listen to someone's problems." Like the feeling of getting a papercut, it stung. Where? Everywhere. However, the chances of it recovering soon are unlikely. "People give their all to listen and understand your concerns and sorrows so why can't you do the same for me? It's been a year Jing. It's been one whole fucking year and you still don't get it."

Like shit singing a song can help me get over this feeling.

I left the classroom in a hurry and went to the toilet. I locked myself in the cubicle and just reflected. No crying, just thoughts about my words and actions.

Ah fuck I shouldn't have raised my voice- nor slammed the table. I should have just kept calm and shut up about it.

My thoughts wandered onto Jing's expression during the argument. She looked so angry like she wanted to slap me to shut me up. Every second in the cubicle built up a load of guilt.

Why the hell did I shout just now. I attracted attention towards her and now people are gonna talk about us.

My fingers made their way towards my wrist and dug into my skin.

Jing was right. I was an asshole who couldn't understand the feelings of Tracy and Chloe. Unfriending someone cause you found them "annoying"?

Who the hell do you think you are Ash Khim? What gives you the right to judge someone based on your feelings?

The 30-minute recess always flew by quickly yet today felt like I was waiting for eternity to come. I crouched on the toilet bowl seat and waited to hear the harmonious school bell ring.

-

30 minutes finally passed and it was English period. Mr Yi, our form teacher walked in with a stern look on his face. "Today we will be doing Descriptive writing practice. Take out your TYS and foolscap. Do 2019 question 4." He then looked at me. "Ash and Valery, come out for a second." My heart felt heavy as I walked towards the door.

"What happened during recess." As a sentence, this may have sounded like he was very concerned but actually, he was angry as hell. His eyes burned through me as if searching for an answer. "It was my fault cher. I said some bad things to Ash that's why she shouted at me. We've made up and everything is fine now." Jing spoke up. "No cher. It was my fault. Jing did nothing wrong. I shouted at her and slammed the table for no reason. I'm sorry for disrupting the lower secondary classes nearby." Mr Yi sighed and I could almost anticipate his response. "What the hell did you think you were doing Ash Khim?!" His rage took over him at the last few words, catching the attention of my classmates inside and the students at the nearby block. Though his shouting did scare me, I did not flinch one bit. "I wasn't thinking straight Mr Yi. I'm sorry." Like reading off a script, I continued on with my apology. "Write a two-page apology note for wasting the lower sec classes time, Valery's time, your classmates' time and my time. Don't even think about leaving lines or huge gaps in between." I nodded. "Valery go back inside."

I looked up in confusion. "You, go to the counsellor's office. This is not the first time I have witnessed such disruptive behaviour from you. Go and reflect on your actions." I nodded and walked towards the Assembly hall. What usually felt like the end of the world has no effect on me today. Something is wrong.

I sat in the counsellor's office for 1 hour without saying anything. The school counsellor, Madam Joyce, looked at me occasionally while doing her work. "Dear are you okay?" I didn't answer. "Everyone has bad days. It's fine to get angry once in a while." my mouth did not budge. Not like I was preventing it or anything, I just felt… tired. The bell rang signalling my return to class. I murmured a soft "Thank you" under my breath out of consideration before leaving the room.

Once I reached the classroom, all eyes were on me. It felt like I was getting pricked by a thousand thorns but at the same time, I felt numb, like the pain didn't actually exist. The stares all came from different people yet they all felt the same, confused, pitiful, irritated. Whispers travelled around the classroom. Most of then just asking "What happened?" or "Did she cry?" while the small percentage explained my outrage during recess. I slumped over on my table and ignored all the murmurs, though it was suffocating. "Didn't you hear? She slammed the tables and screamed like one maniac during recess and disrupted the lessons nearby. What was she thinking man… She should just hold it in and spent her time studying or sleeping." The constant murmurs filled me to the brim and were about to explode. My hands covered my ears as I stared off into space. Like lightning, eternity struck me again, school finally ended. I wanted to go home but at the same time, I did not want to. I just wanted to be alone and have some peace to myself. I left the classroom walking slowly. I boarded the bus and waited till I finally got to my destination. A shopping mall with an accessible rooftop. It was the go-to hangout spot where my friends and I would always visit. We would chat all night about life and our troubles. Too bad those friends went onto other schools and left me behind.

I looked at the bright blue sky and took a deep breath. Nothing changed. Feeling a burden on my shoulder, I put down my backpack and stood on the chair, looking down onto the ground. I put my foot up on the ledge.

It looks like a long fall. A long fall to reach the cold, hard ground. If I fell from here, would I die? Or would I just break a bone?

My vision narrowed and my head spiralled.

Woah it suddenly looks so close. Should I try to reach it? I never knew a floor could look so tempting… Maybe… Maybe… It wouldn't hurt to try. I got nothing to lose anyways… My friends, my family… My family? My family…

I felt a buzz in my pocket. "Ma" flashed onto my face as it started to burn up. I answered the call. "Hello Ma?" Tears ran down my face as I tried to steady my breathing. "Hello monkey? Did you get off school yet? Jiejie is going to fetch you so we can visit Papa. He woke up a few days ago and is craving my porridge haha." I gulped. "Ah I got off school a while ago, I went to Soleil Mall to check out the bookstore. You can tell jie to come here." I could hear the happiness in my mom's voice. "Ah okay, go down to the taxi stand first, Jiejie will be there in 15 minutes." I held my breath and just said "Mhmm."

"Okok, see you later monkey, mama loves you." There and then, I broke silently. "I love you too. See you later."

What was I about to do.

I wiped my tears and turned around only to see Joo and Pierre. Pierre's eyes were bloodshot red and Joo was on the brink of tears. "What the shit were you gonna do!" Pierre shouted. "I'm sorry." I cried. Tears kept rolling down and they weren't stopping. "I'm so sorry!" I yelled. Pierre walked towards me and brought me into a big hug. "It's okay. As long as you're okay then it's fine. Please don't do that again."

I bawled my eyes out for 10 minutes just repeatedly apologising, not to them but to myself.

I'm sorry Ash Khim, for what I was about to do.