There it was again, the excruciating pain in my heart. Was the guardian being serious about the whole ‘reincarnation’ thing? “I’m fine. Just a bit dizzy.” Taking deeper breaths, I slowed my breathing down and concentrated on the pain. It took a while but thankfully, it got to the point where it was bearable. “So… What are you doing here Ash- Khim- What do I call you?” She shrugged. “Either one is fine. I’m here for my dearest dad there. Mr Yi already knows what happened so I’m excused for school today.” I nodded in understanding.

So much happened yesterday… Maybe a little too much…

“Oh! Uh… Khim?” She smiled. “Can I ask you a question?” “Go ahead.” “Why do you and Jing- I mean Valery, call each other by your surnames?” She let out a slight laugh. “There’s no real reason for that. We just felt like it would be nice to call each other by our surnames. For me,

I just wanted to feel more special to her so that’s why I chose to call her by her last name. Oh yeah, it’s more convenient too!” Suddenly, her phone dinged.

I took a peek at her screen and saw a message notification. “@khim oi you see my message never reply so mean for what sia :(“ from Pierre. She quickly switched off her phone and sighed. “You okay?” I asked. She looked up at me, bits of shock reflecting in her eyes. “W-What do you mean?”

“You like Pierre right?” In a split second, I witnessed her desperately trying to keep her cool. “Huh? No. Why would I like him? You okay bro?” Her expression was as calm and peaceful as a river, yet her actions showed every single ounce of panic in them. Her body shaking slightly like a volcano about to erupt. A face so flushed you would mistake her for being sick. And lastly, the grip around her phone tightened. Being a dreamcatcher, I had to look after Ash, her family and her ancestors for the past few centuries. Amidst my observations, I picked up a lot of Ash’s mannerisms. One being when she’s nervous. Her face flushes without her knowing, her body shaking ever so slightly only a fly would notice it. The one that always gave it away was her habit of gripping something tighter. Be it her phone, her clothes or even just tightening her fist. She always hid these habits from her closest friends to make sure they would not notice and fortunately for her, no one ever did. This was one of the reasons why I liked her so much. Every time she hid those habits, it felt more like a silent cry for help, for someone to finally notice it and console her.

“Khim, it’s okay to like him.” Though it felt mean to do this, I knew I had to. For her to get over him. It was my duty as a dreamcatcher, to see my clan members to the afterlife. Tears formed up in her eyes as she grabbed my hand. “Come here for a second.”

I could feel the heartache again. This time it wasn’t as painful or aggressive, it was just there, aching and aching.

She dragged me out of the hospital and sat me down on a bench. “Geez it’s been like four hours and I’m crying again.” She said while wiping her tears. “And you, it’s only been two days since you joined yet you found out before literally anyone. What is with you?” She stared at me with her puffy eyes. “It’s easy to see with your mannerisms. Or maybe your friends are just blind.” She laughed to herself. “They probably are.” She took a deep breath, reaching into her bag for a packet of tissue.

“You know Joo, I only made friends with Pierre last year. You see, I wasn’t a very welcoming person in general. I only ever had girlfriends and no guy friends cause I was a very close-minded person. I couldn’t take small jokes that the guys in my class always cracked up so when I got to my sec 3 class, I promised myself to drop the act and be more friendly. Yet I couldn’t make any guy friends let alone friends in general. I always just stuck by Jing and her clique. But in sec 4, I got closer to Pierre. We talked every day and eventually became best friends. I felt like he just understood me so well. I told him about my problems all the time and he always comforted me. We hung out with Jing all the time and one day, I just discovered that I liked him. No special occasion, it just suddenly popped in my head that I liked him. Two months after that, he tells me he likes Jing. It just hurt. It hurt so much.” She sniffled and continued wiping her tears. “Since Jing and Pierre were both my best friends, I just tried to give up on my feelings. I tried so hard. Every day I try to avoid Pierre a little and push them together.”

She paused for a second and looked at the ground. “I always do things I regret. When you first joined the school, I purposely went with you so that he would be alone with Jing. Even though I did that, it still hurt.” With a hefty sigh, she stopped. “Sorry for dragging you out here and blabbing on about my life. I just thought that since you already knew of my crush, I should tell you everything. You can forget it though, it’s nothing really special anyways.”

Ash Khim always does things she regrets. Things like signing up for activities in the spur of the moment, making impulsive purchases for one-month hobbies, and worst of all, ignore her own needs. In the past 17 years, I observed Khim torture herself. Her fights with her parents, her fights with herself. All her breakdowns about nothing and everything. However, at the end of the day, she never picked an option that would please both sides, she always picked the one that did not benefit her in any way.

I took a deep breath as I got ready to talk to her. “Khim. Do you want me to help you with Pierre?” “Huh? There’s no need to though, he’s already with Jing and that will just inconvenience you.” “No no. I mean help you get over him.” “It’s fine. I’m all good now.”

It was time to pull out my trump card. “You know there's this very good way to get over people? I think it's perfect for you. It’s to sing it all out!” Her face changed in an instant. “Yo, you kidding me? Wait why do you think it’s perfect for me? Don’t tell me…”

“Your dad told me about your busking hobbies. A pretty cool thing I might say.” I could see the shock on her face. “You- Uh- I- Uh- Did you tell anyone? Please say no…” I shook my head. “Thank god. Don’t tell Jing or Pierre or anyone please! Wah that pa! I didn’t think he exposed my busking hobby too!” “Yeah don’t worry I won’t tell them. It’s probably embarrassing for you right?” She nodded slightly. "So this sing it all out thing, does it really work?” “Mhmm.”

Thousands of memories came rushing back. Memories of my past life came flooding back. The day I died, I was singing out the sorrow cause of that incident.

A few seconds of silence passed by. “I don’t know why you’re doing this but uh… Thanks for offering to help.”

-

Today ended in a huge success. I found out the reason why she called Valery by her surname, I learnt the backstory of her and Pierre. For now, I should head back for the meeting with the guardian. When she told me I was going to reincarnate, we got interrupted by Kris so I couldn’t hear all the details.

I reached home and quickly went to the bathroom.

“Call upon the guardian.” Like a movie, water droplets started to float up into the silhouette. As beautiful and magical it was, I wanted it to finish forming so I could hear the details. “Afternoon Joo.” “Afternoon M’Lady.” She smiled. “Feeling better today?” I nodded. “Feeling a lot better. Haven’t fainted yet.” “Alright let’s get down to business. Remember what I told you yesterday?” “Yes yes now please fill me in on the details.”

“Okay Joo. During the guardian’s meeting, I brought up your issue to them and the guardian of angels knew about this situation. He had an angel who once was a dreamcatcher. He could also feel his client’s heartbeat.” “Wait. An angel who was once a dreamcatcher? Isn’t that impossible?” The guardian nodded. “Yes, it is. It’s not allowed in the heavens at all. He became an angel because he reincarnated and passed away in the overworld. When he passed away, he chose to become an angel and serve the guardian. That person experienced the same thing as you. He could feel his client’s heartbeat, every time his client was upset, he could feel their pain or sorrow within him. This is because he reincarnated after a century in the same clan. He took his client’s place and role in the family in the next century.”

With so much information, it felt like my brain was gonna rip apart. “Hold on hold on. So when khim dies, I’m going to be reincarnated into her clan in 100 years? WHAT?!” My entire head was messed up.

Why is this happening? Why must I be reincarnated? Me of all people. I don’t want to be reincarnated. I don’t want to.

“Joo! Calm down!” I looked up at the water form of the guardian. “Is there any way to avoid this? I don’t want to be reincarnated! Please stop this! Please!” I cried. I could feel the guardian pitying me from above. “Joo I’m sorry but there's no way to stop this… I know your feelings regarding reincarnation but we have no way to stop this from happening.” It felt like my entire world was spinning. No- it felt more like I was the only one spinning but the world was all still. “I… Is there anything more I should know?” The guardian frowned. “For now no. You should go rest up Joo. Remember, if you experience anything out of the ordinary, call upon the guardian okay?” “Yes….”

I sat in the toilet adjusting my breathing. After what felt like hours, I finally calmed down.

That night, my heartache immensely. But, I did not know whether it was from her pain or my own.