“I come to you for training!”

Daniel Bowen tried to back up again.

The elf boy stepped forward with him, and this time used his best puppy eyes while holding Daniel’s hands to his chest.

Cuteness Overload + Confusing Sentence =

“Hawha-?”

Daniel’s face got incredibly red as his mind locked itself in a loop of rage and humiliation.

Half of him knew he was being played... Again.

The other half knew it was working... Again.

And while Healz Pleaze the elf boy’s face maintained an angelic smile that made all onlookers wonder about BOTH their sexualities…

Inside he was smirking with evil glee.

That look on your face is priceless, Mr. Daniel Bowen.

Oh no, I haven’t forgotten YOU, not at all.

You were the one who made me a fugitive in this damn village, the only populated place around for miles.

Believe me, I looked.

You can do a LOT of looking when you don’t need sleep.

Did you know?

YOU’RE the reason why my character screen calls me a transvestite now.

What if I HADN’T found those clothes?

Would it call me an “exhibitionist” instead?

That pervert almost had his way with me AGAIN because of you.

Still.

You ARE a trainer.

Business before pleasure.

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From… somewhere… words came unbidden to Daniel Bowen’s lips:

“Oh ho, so you wish to learn more about the Common language, do you?”

Who? What? Am I talking? What?

His mind struggled to understand as his body suddenly relaxed, completely out of his control.

The elf switched to serious mode as well, letting go of his hands.

“Yes sir.”

By themselves, his hands naturally went down to his sides. He couldn’t move them at all.

“Uh, sir?” asked a guard nervously.

“200 gold pieces.” He heard himself say.

WHAT THE HELL IS THIS???

Amazingly, out of nowhere the elf pulled out…

TWO HUNDRED GOLD COINS…

And handed them right to him.

As if this was the most ordinary thing in the world for him to do.

His own hands reached up and took the fortune, more than enough for one man to live happily for at least ten years.

“With this,” his own voice spoke, “you are now at intermediate level. Strive for mastery now, you hear?”

“Thank you sir.”

With that, his body was released.

The spell was broken.

His body was his again.

He filled it with his rage.

“YOU BASTARD!”

His hands reached up to throttle—

His hands that were filled with a fortune in PURE GOLD.

Gold or revenge?

There was enough conflict in his mind…

MORE than enough confusion in the guards’ minds…

For the elf to do one last thing:

From out of nowhere he pulled out a capped beaker of smoky gray liquid.

And in fairly good (if highly accented) Common, he said:

“An eye for an eye… and a sleep potion for a sleep scroll!”

-- and smashed it onto the floor.

The smoky gray liquid became a smoky gray cloud almost instantly, making the guards cough…

But only for a moment.

Then they collapsed onto the floor.

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Immune to sleep effects, Healz Pleaze looked upon his work and was quite pleased.

“All this time, and only two alchemical recipes discovered. At least THIS one seems to have more practical use than the grenade.”

Daniel Bowen lay unconscious on the floor.

Helpless.

Vulnerable.

Maybe… I should take your clothes?

Give you a taste of what you put me through?

Make you wear a dress?

… No.

There’s an army coming. No time for that… Unfortunately.

Also, I have no desire to look at another man’s junk.

I got QUITE ENOUGH of that from the pervert you work with.

Although he didn’t know about it and wouldn’t know how to look for it either, an unknown stat of his just ticked one point higher on the “Good” scale.

Now… where did Heinrick go?

Well, pleasure before business.

Somehow he had made it to level 3.

He had more skill points available.

He had more stat points available.

But most importantly, he had CLOTHES available!

Goodbye, white dress! I won’t miss you!

HELLO, regular clothes!

Tawny Leather Boots (+13% Resistance to Acid)

Topaz Leather Pants of Thorns (+10% to All Resistances, Attackers take 3 damage)

Cloak of Regeneration (Regenerates 1 Health per 5 seconds)

Leather Cap of Brilliance (Regenerates 1 Mana per 5 seconds)

Azure Ring of the Moon (+15% Resistance to Cold, +5 to All Stats)

Ring of Spellcasting (+7 to Mind, +9 to Spirit)

Hmm… I could use some body armor, but I gave that to Heinrick. Now I have to wait for level 5.

…

Where DID he go?

Oh.

Right.

Idiot.

I can use the Map to find him.

With a happy and satisfied smile on his face he left the jail, leaving the unconscious people inside surprisingly unmolested…

When all hell broke loose.

There was suddenly a great deal of panicked yelling.

Multiple alarms started going off. There was much whistling and bells.

There was frantic movement along the guard towers…

The catapults had their canvass covers ripped off by burly men…

People began being herded to the nipple fort, Healz Pleaze among them…

For a massive army of goblins had appeared at the edge of the forest just outside the village.

A minor rant, but has anyone else noticed the amount of COOKING going on in Japanese novels these days? I swear I'm not making this up! It seems that everyone in Japan has given up on junk food, microwave ovens, and store bentos. Yep, somehow McDonalds, KFC, and Baskin Robbins have all gone out of business over there because EVERY main character can make everything they sell themselves.

For me the worst offender is Slave Harem in the Labyrinth of the Other World, in which the MC buys slaves SPECIFICALLY to have sex with, and each chapter goes pretty much like this: "We killed some monsters, and then we went home and had sex. Now let me tell you about this BREADED FISH dinner I made..."

My main character has no need to eat. Did I miss out on turning this series into a cooking show?

"OOOooooh! Delicious!" Joan said, as she ate the lobster thermidor aux crevettes, with a mornay sauce garnished with truffle paté, brandy and a fried egg on top and spam.

Suddenly Cardinal Bowen and his two cronies burst into the room:

"NO ONE EXPECTS THE SPAMMISH REPETITION!!!!"

(Spam spam spam spam...)