It is a well-known, but unremarked, fact that MMO characters do not share the same weaknesses as their human players.

When he used Examine on Daniel Bowen, he figured that the Scroll of Sleep the man carried would most likely be used in the near future, and that it would most likely be used on him. So when he felt the spell go off, it was easy to pretend that it worked.

It is a well-known, but unremarked, fact that MMO characters do not sleep.

He lay there, in the bed, in the darkness, thinking.

Well now, I’m finally alone. I should use this time to figure out some things.

“Options.”

Nothing happened.

Of course not. That would only be helpful…

“Skills.”

SKILLS

CLERIC:

Holy: 0

Healing: 0

ALCHEMY:

Knowledge (Reagents): 0

Chemistry: 0

Medicine: 0

GENERAL:

Intimidate: -20

Language Comprehension (Common): 4

Stealth: -20

Okay, so I DO have abilities I can use.

“Close, Cleric.”

CLERICLevel 1 Spells:Holy LightTargets: Self, Other. Beams restorative energy, healing a portion of one ally's injuries. This skill defaults to healing the caster if no target is selected, and can be used on undead enemies to cause damage.Level: 1Heals 30 pointsCost: 5 ManaCooldown: 1 Second

“Good. Close, Holy Light.”

-5 mana

His body glowed briefly, covered in effervescent light.

+30 hp

MUCH better. Not one hundred percent yet, but he could fix that.

“Holy Light.”

-5 mana

+24 hp

I am SO glad I picked the Cleric class right now…

“Alchemy.”

A popup menu opened up, showing all the alchemical tools available for him to use: alembic for distilling, a cold trap for sublimation, a furnace for heating and melting, a mortar and pestle for grinding, a crucible for mixing, and a filter for… er, filtration.

“Close, Recipes.”

ALCHEMY RECIPES

Oh come on! Not even the smallest basic mana potion or heal potion?

“Close, Inventory.”

A new popup window opened up. An ornate wooden frame with a grid of empty boxes inside it appeared before his eyes. There was some small text on the bottom of the frame, saying “Gold: 0” and “0/250 lbs”.

EXCELLENT. I have my own portable dimension to store things in. Shame about the maximum weight limit being only 250 pounds though.

He sat up in bed, pulling the pillow onto his lap.

He pointed a finger at it.

Nothing happened.

He touched the pillow.

Nothing happened.

“What? Oh for crying out loud… Close.”

The inventory screen went away.

He pointed at the pillow again.

When his finger was about an inch away, the pillow disappeared.

Pillow, Small

“Inventory.”

There was a picture of a pillow in the top left grid box.

Typical. If it’s open then you’re expected to ‘drag and drop’ instead.

Oddly, the weight stayed at 0/250 lbs.

So does the pillow not weigh anything “officially” or did it round down?

He pointed at the picture, and it became the pillow itself, floating in front of him.

He dropped his hand.

The pillow backed away, becoming a picture once more.

He pointed at the picture again, and when the pillow appeared he took it and put it back on the bed.

I can see I’ll have problems later if I ever find a place to settle down…

“Hey Medic, can you get me a pen from that drawer?”

“Huh? Oh sure—”

*BANG!*

*Thunk!*

“Um… Heh heh. would you like a dagger instead? It’s fresh!”

“I say my good man, how much is this—”

*Poof!*

“Hey! You just stole that! THIEF! THIEF!”

On the other hand, if I turn to a life of crime you can’t beat an inventory window you can just throw gold and jewels into.

“Go ahead. Search my body for the stolen loot. You won’t find it!”

“Fine by me!”

“Hey! Where are you putting your hands?!”

*Sigh*

Great. I’m even getting sexually harassed in my imagination now.

“Close, Map.”

Another popup window appeared, this time showing a circular outline of the level he was in. Only his room was shown in detail, and a small white arrow listed his position. He was alone.

EXCELLENT! My chances to escape just tripled, now that I know I can never get lost!

…

Huh. Am I in a tower?

“Map.”

The large map turned into a floating mini-map on the upper right of his vision.

He got out of the bed. Although it was night and the lights were out, he could see perfectly well.

It is a well-known, but unremarked, fact that there’s no such thing as complete darkness in an MMO game.

Being an elf also helped though.

The lamp on the other side of the bed was strange. Instead of turning a knob or yanking on a small chain, you simply twisted the lampshade itself. There was no “on” or “off”, the lampshade was connected to a shutter that exposed the core (a brightly glowing spherical rock) from which light came out. There was no plug for the lamp either.

The elf reflected in the mirror was darker and browner, but that was because the mirror was made of polished bronze.

Okay, so I’m definitely my elf character and not some other elf.

Although the drawer underneath the lamp also flashed when he pointed at it, he decided to leave it alone.

Let’s not make a racket before I’ve even left the room.

He put the lamp into his inventory. The room became dark once more.

I still don’t know why anyone would… resurrect? Reincarnate?

The closet also flashed at him when he pointed at it.

Whatever the word is, why would ANYONE want a level 1 Cleric / Alchemist? I mean, I can understand why you wouldn’t go for a muscle-brained warrior, but how about a level 100 Druid / Cleric or a Pyromancer / Necromancer?

The ceiling lights were like the lamp. However the shutters were connected by a pulley system instead, ending next to the door in a couple of velvet ropes with tassels.

Maybe it was cheaper that way? It’s not like I was carrying a whole lot of magic items…

He felt mildly disappointed that pulling one would most likely only turn on the lights and not make a loud *BONG* sound instead.

For that matter, why did I appear in a CHURCH? Shouldn’t I have appeared in front of some royal person saying, “Oh great hero! Please save us from the dreadful Demon King!” or something like that?

The door to his room was surprisingly unlocked.

Was it because I had died? A number of games do have churches as respawn points.

Outside was a circular hallway with a number of doors and two sets of stairs, one going up and the other going down.

That doesn’t explain why I couldn’t move and had zero hit points.

There were more of those lamp-things hanging over head, but these looked like they were supposed to stay on constantly.

Well no, NORMALLY people with no health don’t move.

As he reached midway on the stairs down, his minimap suddenly lit up with tons of yellow triangles, the symbol for passive monsters that normally don’t attack.

So these are the cats and dogs who were with me in the church, huh?

The cats were a mix of the small and VERY fluffy type with sad eyes and the ‘if they were any larger I’d be delicious’ spotted type with predator eyes.

The dogs were a mix of the husky type that always looked at you as if you might be something worth chasing and the large-mouthed mastiff type that look like they could bite off a body part in one go.

Some looked up at him, then went right back to sleep. If he had known anything about the normal behavior of cats and dogs, then this silent greeting and acceptance would have bothered him a great deal more than it did.

Hey, over there. Isn’t that…?

Hanging over the still-cooling ovens, on a jury-rigged line, was a small white dress, a large white loincloth, three towels, and two aprons. Apparently they were left there to dry.

It is a well-known, but unremarked, fact that MMO characters can wear any item of clothing, no matter what their body size is, no matter what size the clothes are.

So it was that a beautiful elf wearing a white loincloth underneath a white girl's dress left the central tower of the nipple fort in the dead of night.

The outside air was almost freezing cold, but it wasn't uncomfortable for him.

After all, it is a well-known, but unremarked, fact that MMO characters are not affected at all by the weather, unless it is magically made.