Humans.

The best one can say about them is that they are average.

And that’s the problem.

Orcs are much stronger and more ambitious. Elves are more intelligent, have more magic, and live longer. Dwarves are more durable, closer to the divine, and brew better beer (a major selling point). Halflings are sneakier and friendlier and thus live much quieter lives. Goblins are FAR more… shall we say, fecund?

However, humans have somehow reached the special balance between intelligence, life-span, magical power and breeding potential, and by being so exceedingly average, can live almost anywhere.

So they live everywhere.

A race that has never met a human before does not exist.

Humans are also extremely varied in their personalities, so you never know if the next human you meet will smile and be helpful, or will pull out a weapon to kill you with. Even if the human you met once was nice, that does not mean his children will also be nice.

While the human population boom is rapidly becoming a problem for the other races and species on the planet, humans have another, far more disquieting tendency:

Humans are SLUTS.

Half-elf, half-orc, half-dwarf, half-halfling, half-goblin, half-dragon, half-demon… it seems almost anyone can breed with a human.

One-third of all human writings celebrate the act of slaughtering their foes. The rest celebrates the act of mating with them. This fact has not gone unnoticed.

How does one deal with such creatures, knowing that the other side most likely out-numbers you, rivals you in power, and may be imagining you dead?

Or worse, naked?

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He was in deep trouble, and he was naked.

His body was… “wrong” is perhaps the best word for it.

It wouldn’t move.

It couldn’t move.

There was just no energy to move with.

Even existing was something his body really didn’t want to bother with right now.

It was also not his body. He had lived with his old body for some sixty-odd years, and had accordingly gotten somewhat attached to it, so he could tell this was NOT his body. It was smaller, lighter, thinner, and his senses were far sharper.

There was some sort of cloth wrapped around his body, but it didn’t do much to keep him warm. His arms and legs were completely uncovered and cold.

He was lying, paralyzed and naked, in what seemed like a church. It had the echoing, wide-open spaces feeling that most churches he knew had. There was the smell of varnished wood for pews. The stone floor had the smooth, dusty feel as if from the feet of many a church-goer, and it had the aura.

He felt like he was drowning in it. It surrounded him, pressured him, and tried to get inside of him, only instead of water it was faith. Faith and the divine power of...

Well, it could only be a god, right? Hi God. You wanna lay off for a minute? Trying to exist here.

Arguments with gods (and churches, for that matter) are rarely productive.

There was a whole lot of somethings next to him. They didn’t speak, but from their movements it seemed like there were two types of creatures. They were all four-legged, but there was a large type that “pad pad” walked (a high-speed type?) and a smaller type that “click click” walked (claws, those are definitely claws).

I am completely surrounded, I’m in a church, and I’m naked. This can’t be good.

* STAAAAAAAAAAARE *

And they were staring at him... a lot. Occasionally one of the “pad pad” types panted loudly as it shifted position.

There were various noises going on elsewhere. Something sizzled. Many things clinked and clanked. Something called out something, and something else replied. It could be speech; it could be mating calls for all he could tell. He couldn’t spare the energy to listen properly.

It was taking all his energy just to keep breathing.

Any normal person from this world would probably chalk up their reincarnation as magic (since magic can do anything), and might idly wonder if it was accidental or intentional. The creatures surrounding him hadn’t done anything yet, and the aura the church was exuding was of one of the more benevolent gods, so it was safe to assume they weren’t going to.

But he was far from normal. Magic didn’t exist in his original world. Gods who were very THERE didn’t exist in his original world, and things like reincarnation just simply didn’t happen, outside of fiction. And speaking of fiction…

In his world he had pornography.

As a man in his late sixties who had been single most of his life, he had quite the collection of pornography.

Church + Paralyzed + Naked + Creatures + Surrounded = BAD NEWS.

* STAAAAAAAAAAARE *

He could feel them.

* STAAAAAAAAAAARE *

If he had the energy his skin would be raising in goosebumps right now.

And then he heard footsteps climbing the stairs up towards him. Two sets of footsteps. Bipeds? Or some sort of boss creature?

The creatures surrounding him turned as one to look.

“[What the hell?]” Exclaimed a voice.

“[Oh Great Lady.]” Gasped another voice.

Apparently they were bipeds after all. People. A male and a female, from their voices probably both adults. They sounded surprised to see him.

Well, that’s fair. I’m surprised to be here too. I’d get up and shake your hands, but I’m kinda paralyzed right now. And naked. A little help please?

“[Mike, I’m going to report this to Lord Bowen. You keep watch over here?]”

“[Got it.]”

Unknown language. He had no idea what they were saying.

Female Voice turned and ran out of the room and up more stairs.

A cacophony of whining and meowing erupted from the creatures surrounding him as they moved as one to beg from Male Voice.

Oh. So they were dogs and cats, huh? Geez, don’t I feel silly.

“[Okay. Okay! OKAY! DOWN! You’ll get fed… Damn, I don’t have any plates. Well, you guys are just going to have to share for today.]”

* Clanketty-clank ka-tunk *

Something metal… maybe… buckets? A number of them. I smell something food-like.

“[Okay cats, these are for you. NO. I said these are for the CATS. Go over there. Go on!]”

His language sounds… Gaelic? Mixed with Russian, perhaps? I’m hearing “nura-da” mixed with “buro-shu-ke” and “oleh-leh”. Maybe it’s this world’s version of “English”, a hodge-podge of words from different languages mixed together.

Male Voice stepped away from the animals, and started walking slowly towards him.

Hey… guy? I could use some food too. And clothes. And maybe you could turn the volume control on your GOD down a little?

Male Voice knelt down on one leg beside him.

...

The animals growled and hissed at each other over the food.

There were more metallic sounds as the buckets got shoved around.

...

Male Voice didn't say anything.

...

...

Uh... guy?

Buddy?

...

And then he felt the hem of the cloth covering him being lifted up.