LAUNCHING, PLEASE WAIT…

“Don’t mind me and my lovely voice. I’m just going to be waiting here… singing show tunes… Or just falling asleep… Because COME ON ALREADY! Just how long do I have to wait???”

Time enough for one show tune and a commercial apparently as the loading update messages flashed: Loading figures, artifacts, monsters, walls...

Partridges... pear trees...

Eventually, the world turned light blue and wireframes and gridlines starting appearing everywhere. Contours, pillars, roundish things hanging above him. Then colors: yellow-green floor, dark brown pillars, and bright green things. Finally came sound, movement, and clarity.

He was standing alone on the yellowish-green grass next to dark brown trees with bright green leaves. The wind blew the grass and leaves gently, and invisible birds chirped away from… somewhere. The sky was light blue and puffy white clouds traveled to the right, occasionally covering the bright sun.

He was finally in the game.

He

turned

his

head

to

look

around.

Damn. I was worried this would happen with my old graphics card…

“Ooppttiioonnss.”

Even his voice was in slow motion.

Finally the world paused and the options screen came up. He reduced the resolution. The leaves on the trees lost a lot of detail and the bark became smoother. The “fog” that was the limit of his distance vision (and the computer’s ability to display) jumped closer.

“Exit.”

The options menu went away and the world started up again.

He turned his head to look around.

Much better.

He swung his arms around and ran forward ten feet to test the graphics some more.

Alright. Looks like I can finally play this game. Let’s see, if I remember correctly…

“Map.”

A slightly-tattered brown vellum map appeared floating in front of him displaying the continent. He pressed the “+” sign until it was zoomed in close enough for him to see the nearby village’s structures. After a bit, small colored triangles started moving around, white for NPCs, blue for trainers (such as for sword-fighting, archery, etc.), yellow for passive monsters (the type that won’t attack you unless you attack them first), and green for fellow players. Red triangles for aggressive monsters (that attack on sight) moved in and out of the edge of the map.

He looked over the map, looking over names, looking for trainers.

Alchemist, black magic, scout, smithing, where…? Ah.

Owata Gila the Cleric Trainer was a rotund man in a black robe with a white cross emblazoned on the chest. If he had a round bald spot he would have made a good Friar Tuck character. He was standing outside a shrine-like place, tapping a brick wall with his quarterstaff, and alternating between picking his nose and scratching his butt, when he was approached by an adorable-looking elf boy. He wasn’t impressed, but that was because he was an NPC.

There were attempts to get an NPC to recognize attractiveness, but players always just laughed at the barmaid swooning over the half-orc player wearing makeup. One player famously had quite a successful date while holding a bronze bust of Captain Kirk in front of him. Eventually the programmers ended up just leaving things well enough alone. As long as you can hold a semi-decent conversation with an NPC then that’s good enough.

Owata smiled the smile of a businessman.

“Hello! Have you come for healing?”

If you want something from an NPC, then you must be polite. Any player who walked up to a female NPC saying something along the lines of, “Yo BITCH! Gimme a kiss!” would quickly discover the entire town refusing to talk to him for at least a day. No talking means no buying or selling. No buying and selling means time spent NOT making money. No income means no new magic items, healing potions, or spells, and an inventory rapidly overloading with drop items during game play. Multiple offenses would increase the time required before anyone would deal with the offender, and eventually other towns would “hear” and also refuse to deal with that person. Since all NPCs are immortal in order for people to buy and sell from them, a player had no recourse but to be polite the next chance he got.

It literally paid to be polite to NPCs.

“No sir,” he replied in a monotone, “I come to you for training.”

No need for role-playing when it’s just an NPC.

“Oh ho! You wish to join the honored ranks of healers, do you?”

“Yes sir.”

“100 gold pieces.”

New players start with 1000 gold pieces to buy everything they need, so this was actually a fairly small expense. Coins exchanged hands.

“With this, you are one of us. Don’t die, and don’t let anyone else die.”

“Thank you, sir.”

Now where is the weapon trainer? I didn’t see one on the map…

Since there was another player fairly close by he decided to sprint in that direction to ask. Moving around a rock he—

Slammed face-first into a wall.

-2 hp helpfully flashed in front of his eyes.

“Ow. Ow. Ow.” He rubbed his nose. A faint “I want to have a nosebleed” feeling came from it, but fortunately the game didn’t think he hit hard enough for that to occur.

Wait…

Suspicious, he checked his map again. He was right; he had suddenly teleported backwards about twenty feet. The wall he hit was one he had passed earlier.

“Goddamn lag…”

Sometimes in MMOs there is a difference in processing speed, due to slow computers, slow connections, or a server with a heavy load. When the difference becomes too great “lag” occurs, and what the computer assumed happened (running ahead in this case) gets corrected by the server (no, you’re actually at these coordinates).

When that happens, noses meet walls.

A light tinkling laughter came from behind him, and when he whipped around he saw a gorgeous woman with long curly blond hair wearing completely inappropriate gold armor molded around massive cleavage. A massive golden greatsword’s hilt peeked from behind her shoulder. A tiny garter belt strap crept out from under the royal blue cheerleader-like pleated miniskirt. Sexy white stockings clung lovingly to DEM LEGS that went A-L-L the way up. Naturally, she wore high heels (golden, of course). Over her head was the name “Delightful Delilah”.

Obviously, she was a GIRL, as in "Guy In Real Life".

“That just got saved to video. Smile, you’re on NewTube. Oh, wait. Seriously?”

She gave him a you gotta be kidding me look, now that he had turned around enough for her to see his choice in body and clothes.

“What?” He was already starting to dislike her.

“Fail.”

“Huh?”

“Fail. Total write-off. Complete loss. Zero out of ten. What part of that didn’t you get?”

“What’s wrong with me?” He demanded.

Damn it, this body is freaking cute, you know!

“Seriously?” She repeated herself, clearly doubting his intelligence now.

He looked back at her, his temper rising.

She sighed the sigh of Give me strength, Lord while covering her eyes with her hand.

“Right, look. One: You’re an ELF cleric. Everyone knows dwarves make for better clerics. Elves are made for magic slinging and archery, not prayer.”

“I didn’t want to be a dwarf.”

“Obviously.” The sarcasm was scathing. “Two: You went for the cutie-pie boy-band face, which nobody here cares for, because actual pretty boys wouldn’t be playing this game anyway and everyone has lost a girlfriend or sister to that goddamn Interview with the Twilight series. Expect to get back-stabbed every day by random people ‘just because’ and by your own teammates, assuming you find a team -- which you won’t because you’re toxic.”

“What do you mean, ‘toxic’?”

She sighed the sigh of math teachers forced to explain how one plus one equals two to dumb kids who couldn't get it.

“Three: If you’re going to be joining a team, especially as a support-caster like a cleric -- and with a name like ‘HealzPleaze’ (seriously?) -- it’s obvious that’s what you’re trying for, so you have to look the part. That means looking like a dependable man, or ideally a beautiful woman, because beautiful supportive women are everywhere in fantasy and have always had a place on a team. And here you are, a beautiful BOY.”

His face tried to eat itself as he slowly sank to his knees.

Was it really THAT bad?

“Four: Joining a team means fighting other player teams, and unlike monsters players know to target the squishy wizards and support-casters FIRST. So it makes sense for them to dress like something else. Wizards here dress like assassins or monks, and support-clerics dress like fighters even if they can’t fight. And here you are, with that name, and a freaking RED CROSS on your chest! Everything about you is screaming, ‘Hey! Come kill me!’”

His head throbbed from pushing all available blood into making his face blush. His ears were roaring as they burned red from the shame and embarrassment.

“And finally, five—Murderous Slash!”

With a strength and speed impossible for a normal person, the greatsword swung down on his head, chopping his entire body into two equal pieces.

“I want to kill you too.”

-58 hp

His life went to zero in an instant from damage that hit in the hundreds.

The newly separated pieces of his body fell to the left and right as blood splashed out and pooled into a puddle.

Dramatic “you goofed” music played as his world turned to red, and then black.

* Dunh dunh dunh! *

You have died and lost 50gp. Please wait 1 minute for revival.

0:59

What?

But…?

…

...HOW?

…

I just started! You aren’t supposed to be able to kill new players like that! Isn’t there supposed to be a “duel request” or something first?

When the thirty seconds were up the world reappeared along with his body… or rather, his naked ghost body. If he had the Mature Content option turned off, he would have kept at least his clothes.

“Map.”

He was back at the start point. On the map now was a new marker: “HealzPleaze”, his actual body.

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LTO – Newb Fail LOL!

Delightful Delilah

Subscribe -> 2,043,015 59,821 views

Uploaded 1 minute ago

Bahahahahahahahaha!!!! I bitch slapped the guy bad at 6:00 xD.

All Comments (85)

-.-I-is][Mighty| Evil Pixie

For all these dumb asses out there this is an example for why you should wear a

HELMET!!!!

-.-I-is][Mighty| Kittypoo

Aww… he was cute…

-.-I-is][Mighty| RICHARDRICHARDRICHARD

+Kittypoo you are so fucking stupid for feeling sorry for him that you need to get

beaten like a stupid bitch and make me a sandwich

-.-I-is][Mighty| MagicHax0r

What village this in game? I wanna kill him too!

-.-I-is][Mighty| Mighty Nesmith

Race you!

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Nobody was around when he finally made it back to his body. When he touched it the corpse disappeared and all of his items and gold (now at 850 gps) reinstalled themselves.

Suddenly a foot of steel projected out from his chest as a sword buried itself into his back.

“Ninja, bitches!” said someone from behind him, and as his world faded to black he discovered that his killer’s name was “Mighty Nesmith”.

-60 hp

* Dunh dunh dunh! *

You have died and lost 100gp. Please wait 2 minutes for revival.

1:59

WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR???

He made his back to his body once more, this time taking the long scenic casual route… Well, as casual as a buck naked person can do, moving from tree to tree. He was feeling clammy, like his body was sweating a lot.

When he made it to his body finally, he double-checked his map. No green triangles. Nobody around. He zoomed it out a bit. A number of green triangles, facing his way.

Damn. Tag and dash then.

He resurrected (now with 750 gold) and turned to run in the opposite direction of the players listed on his map.

Suddenly a green triangle appeared on the map at the same time as a flash of light. In front of him was what looked like an assassin… ninja… guy. He was dressed in loose black and red desert clothing with a black turban on his head, a black scarf mask covering his nose and mouth, and wearing dual scimitars on his back. With a flourish “MagicHax0r” pulled his swords out and, with a "WHHoooooaaaAAHHH" spun them about flashily before pointing one at an entirely too-cute elf and saying, quite calmly,

“Fireball.”

Elf chunks flew everywhere as the rest was blasted into a fine red mist.

-60 hp

* Dunh dunh dunh! *

You have died and lost 200gp. Please wait 4 minutes for revival.

3:59

WHAT. THE. HELL.

SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU ALL?

He started to feel sick, like he had indigestion, but he was too angry and upset to care. The seconds ticked away far too slowly, and his breathing became a little shallower with each minute. Occasionally he tried to belch on purpose to relieve the bloated feeling coming from his stomach.

Finally he was back in the game world.

Just get my body, and log off.

There were five players camping near his body. However, standing obliviously near them was NPC Mick Smaster, Alchemist Trainer.

Maybe…

“Guys, he’s here.” Said a heavily-muscled pirate thug named “Arrrgh Arrrrrrrrrr”.

“Come on over, we won’t hurt you… much!” Laughed a certain dandy “Captain Mycaptain”.

The other three just drew their weapons, and aimed them at his body.

Gotta time this just right…

He knelt next to his body, not covering up his genitals this time. One hand reached out to touch his corpse, the other to—

“ICOMETOYOUFORTRAINING!”

The world turned chaotic around him as multiple spells and sword slashes attacked, but NPCs are immortal and trading with one means you too are protected… but only while you are trading.

Of course, spell damage still has to go somewhere…

“OW, MOTHER FU—”

“GODDAMN WARMAGES!”

There were two new corpses behind him now. The other three glared at him. They may have been slightly kidding before, but this time they were serious. They wanted him dead.

Mick smiled the smile of a businessman.

“Ha! You wish to join our chemist brotherhood, do you?”

NOW I can role-play.

“Oh yes sir! It’s been my lifelong dream to learn about—”

“100 gold pieces.”

Nuts. Damn NPCs…

Money... exchanged... hands… slowly...

“Welcome to the pharmacy club. May all your potions be potent!”

“Thank… you… sir.”

As the last word left his lips, he was simultaneously beheaded, electrocuted, and impaled from crotch to neck.

Of course, this meant that the two carrying swords got electrocuted as well, and two more bodies joined the first in hitting the ground.

HAH! WORTH IT!

-60 hp

* Dunh dunh dunh! *

You have died and lost 400gp. Please wait 8 minutes for revival.

7:59

His indigestion was getting worse. Pain was starting to fill his chest, and his left arm was beginning to feel numb.

Just a little more, and then I can take some anti-gas medicine and aspirin.

By the time the world came back he was already gasping painful breaths.

Walking casually towards some monsters in the distance was Delightful Delilah.

Finally, some answers.

He teleported backwards twice due to lag, but eventually he caught up.

“HEY!”

She turned to look at him, sword flashing into hand… and then made a disgusted face.

“Dude. Eww.”

He was past caring about modesty.

“Tell me, how can you all kill me? I thought you couldn’t kill a new player without a duel request or PVP arena or something like that!”

Her eyes boggled at him briefly, looked at the monsters walking away, and then she sighed the sigh of a husband who’s just been told to take out the trash… in the rain… while the Big Game was on…

“Seriously?”

“TELL ME!”

“Did you look at the options under [Mature Content]?”

“Huh?”

“What, did you think ‘Mature Content’ only meant sex? Get real. It includes ‘Violent Content’, meaning blood and guts, and ‘Realistic Mode’, meaning you’re okay with as much realism as possible, and THAT includes friendly fire and PVP. Got it, dumbass?”

With that, she huffed off into the forest, one-hit-killing everything in her way.

He slowly trudged back to his body. It was getting difficult to focus. He no longer noticed his gasping.

His corpse was completely naked. Someone had stripped him of all his possessions.

“WHAT ARE YOU GUYS, TWELVE?!!”

Immediately following that outburst the pain in his chest became a squeezing.

The squeezing became a clamp.

The clamp became a vice.

The vice became his entire existence.

His existence turned into white chaos.

The white chaos turned into black nothingness.

In the game world, both the body and ‘spirit’ of HealzPleaze the Cleric/Alchemist lay on the ground, the letters “AFK” ("Away From Keyboard") floating over them.

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LTO – Newb Dies Many Times

Delightful Delilah

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Uploaded 9 minutes ago

Idiot left the Mature Content on the whole time xD.

All Comments (125)

-.-I-is][Mighty| Age of Anarchy

lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol I liked the part where you said seriously

-.-I-is][Mighty| MagicHax0r

That’s me at 6:15 :)

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