Chapter 177 – Journal Entry 27: Ramiel of Fernery Island

I gathered the hide and fur of the dire animal with my rucksack, I handed it to the earthen mate that gave the request, he praised me for my ‘fine’ cutting and skinning of the animal, but I was disgusted. I didn’t have any pride in it, so I merely nodded in respect, went back to my own house, staring at my hands. Those skills weren’t mine, I have no memories of those, but I am sure that somehow those memories that were begotten to me didn’t just hone my skills, but my instincts.

Who am I?

At the moment I am Ramiel.

I borrowed the name of the dead because I have no memories of the past me.

I don’t know who I was before taking the name Ramiel.

The mirage on the harbor told me that I was a butcher, a murderer. I didn’t believe it out of not knowing anything. But the fact that I was able to wholly cut up a dire animal cleanly without messing up made me scared. It is a part of me believes the words of that woman now. And the feeling of coldness, that numbness makes me puke

“A monster is a monster...no matter how you try to run that won’t change.”

A voice rang out as two arms wrapped around my neck. The hazy transparent arms seem to comfort me, but the voice of the person held nothing but mockery. I shut my ears. I didn’t want to hear any of it. I don’t want to acknowledge someone’s voice despite the fact that I was able to act like some skilled butcher a while ago.

“My Butcher...always had the will, always had strength, yet unable to grasp anything.”

Shut up.

I don’t want to hear her mockery. It makes sense that her words might be right. But even so, just hearing her words full of mockery makes me afraid that I am indeed a butcher, a murderer of some sort. I lost my memories, I ended up in a cemetery, but before that, were I killer, a butcher, and a murderer? If so then why in the hell would I try to remember?

Just to hurt myself?

How can I bear the sins of me, if there is any at all, no, I rather not remember, I don’t want to become some killer, a butcher or a murderer hated by some hazy image.

“Escaping, how unlikely of the one that always gathers hill of corpses.”

The voice said again yet I didn’t listen. I grab the transparent arms of this woman. Surprisingly I could grab it so I threw her to the wall only for her to disappear like a glass breaking. The image of the bluish haired woman, smiling as if she expected me to do that angers me. That was it, I don’t want to hurt anyone, and I just want to be a normal man, living with the land.

I know that there is something wrong with my memories. I somehow know that there is a memory inside my head that points to a world of peace, yet somehow there are also memories of this body, living in harmony with the land, following his father’s back, tilling the land. I know that the memories of the other world somehow entered the head of mine, it engulfed my memories, clashing, shattering, and merging together creating this current me that is devoid of memories of this world, yet filled with memories of the other world this body didn’t step in.

The other world’s memories haven't taken control fully, yet due to some sort of phenomenon this world’s memories, the body that inherited the otherworld memories came crashing. Because of it, I am unable to remember who I was before the other world memories came crashing into my head. Now all I can remember from this world’s memories are fragments, but even with this world’s memories fragmented, the instincts, and the skills that the one before accumulated stayed behind.

In other words, the one before has his memories broken the moment the other world memories came into his head. Because of that, the two memories, the memories from this world, and the memories of the world merge, forming into me right now, who have vague memories. How, why, is unknown, but when it happens though, I can guess that it during the time I fell asleep on that cemetery that the memories came clashing in, living me unable to remember the memories of both.

I can remember some hazy parts from the other world. The most precious memories of this world’s memories, only consist of the image of his father’s back, that noble lady that this body insisted on chasing after. Other than that, there is nothing that I can remember, the skills of before I lost my memory remained, it is scary. Meanwhile, the memories of the other world have built a great foundation for this body, making it more primer, hence I could remember more of that other world than here. But the problem with the other world memories is that I could not remember my name, my family and why was my memory in this world.

But even so, the feeling of falling over a ship, and drowning over the abyss like water has been engraved deep in my head. All I can reason is that, due to conflicting, the memories clashed, forming a state where both memories could not remember their own names. Thus forming a new existence, that has memories of both worlds that are limited in nature. If I could relate to some of this world’s memories, then it seems that faith weaved the memories back, and allowing the two to coexist in this head, but in a result there is confusion, leaving me to state like this.

I don’t know who I am.

But even so, if getting my memories back properly, and finding out I was someone that was hateful, and then I rather not remember at all.

Will you be happy if you somehow lost your memories then get it back only to find out you were a mass murderer, a merciless butcher?

I don’t think so.

That is why who I was before taking the name Ramiel is irrelevant, from now on I am just Ramiel, an islander living in the Fernery Island.