Chapter 105 – Got Used to it

Ramiel arrives at the house he bought. It was a nice house, it made him feel comfortable. But at the moment, someone was trying to take it back, and it makes Ramiel worried. He fears that he will be kicked out sooner or later. He noticed that the owner of the house is a friend of the next village elder.

And knowing how things work he probably will get forced to get out sooner or later. Ramiel feels like he expected this kind of development lately. Inside Ramiel’s head, there is nothing that makes him even step into the state of optimism.

Pessimistic, and cynical, Ramiel expects things to go bad. Ever since arriving in this world, Ramiel has been either fuck over or used. For instance, Ramiel has crossed the line when he stabbed Sheriwn in the back. At first, Ramiel was rather empty about, but after becoming sober he was disgusted by his own damn self. Ramiel has his own principles in life. But with how he did that to someone who was trying to help him, made Ramiel feel like his principles are worth as trash.

Morality, dignity, and pride were lost on Ramiel. In times of desperation, Ramiel has turned into someone who won’t think twice of saving himself. He had no qualms whether he will be called a coward, or a fool because all that matters is that he wants to stay alive.

But the sad thing is that Ramiel himself doesn’t even know what to live for. In this world Ramiel had nothing. He had nothing to fight for, he had no family that he wanted to protect, and there was simply no attachment he feels about this world.

To Ramiel this world was cruel to him. So him liking this cruel world that made him suffer was rather insulting. To be clear, Ramiel didn’t event wanted to be in this world in the first place. He’d had no choice about the matter, and because of that, he was forced to do terrible things a person who lived in a modern world filled with morals do.

He killed to live.

He lied to live.

He betrayed to live.

He fought to live.

Ramiel didn’t have any choice in all that matter. Even now, he is still suffering from the single choice he made. Even though months have passed, he is still suffering the ailment on his throat, wrist, and lately the side of his face. His leg was doing no good either. It was worse than ever, and lately, he feels like moving around is too tiresome.

His body is always rusted, and there was simply too much pain for him to even try. Ramiel tries his best not to whine, simply because it really doesn’t change things. But even so, as fragile, as normal, as cowardly Ramiel is. He cannot help but call out to either his God or to his mother.

Lonesome and in despairing, Ramiel felt like this world would degrade him further than this. But the sad thing is that Ramiel slowly accepts what this entire world has to offer. He is slowly getting used to the world, and how it works. He is adapting and getting used to it.

Heck, even though he is suffering from the pain from his ailment and the curse on his leg. Ramiel was still living, simply because he got used to the pain. At night he would not be able to sleep well, but more or less the pain on him is something that he is slowly getting used to.

Somewhere on Ramiel’s mind thinks that if the pain doesn’t leave him then he will just get used to it. It broke Ramiel how much pain he is suffering from every single day. The feeling of his flesh burning, getting punctured by a thousand needles, scraped, and the way it throbs make Ramiel feel empty.

It makes him feel alive though. The pain makes him feel that he is still living and it matters to him much. Despite not having anything to live for in this world, Ramiel just didn’t have anything that he can feel attached to this world.

There was no anchor.

And even though the thought of committing suicide comes to mind, Ramiel doesn’t do it simply because of the fear of it. Either the fear of sleeping forever or the fear that when he does it he won’t meet his own God makes Ramiel feel scared. Ramiel and his family were religious and superstitious. Their belief in God was great and simple there was no one that could rustle that belief.

Ramiel was an agnostic bunch. He was born in the modern age, so the belief in God was odd to him. In fact, he was close to atheism but somewhere along the top of his head stops him from going there. He had a belief in his God, and once he was a good chapel boy that visits the church every Sunday.

But it all stopped when he became a high schooler. He became silent, but not to the point Ramiel wouldn’t have friends. He wasn’t bullied either, and even if he does, Ramiel had violent tendencies that made the sisters working as teachers in that parish school drop their jaws.

Ramiel once stabs his classmate with a pen.

He also wrestled a classmate near the hallways who tried to bully him and tried to beat him up despite the difference in strength.

He also smashed one his classmate’s chair to the ground head and butted his classmate as if some devil possessed.

He also once ruined his classmate’s report card out of spite.

He also made used of his friends to get back on some of the other classmates.

And the worst offense Ramiel did during those days was being so angry that he smashed a bottle of whiskey, and use it destroyed part as a knife, chasing the one who pissed him off. When he could not find that certain person, Ramiel went back to his own house, took his father’s shotgun and almost shot the person in an internet café. Luckily, Ramiel was stopped by his friends.

Ramiel didn’t know why he had those violent tendencies.

His mother thought that it was just the devil making do bad things. His father thought that he was just being a person who wanted attention, a brat.

But somehow all of those tendencies disappeared at the time where Ramiel realized that his high school days would be all over. His friend would move out of his hometown and left Ramiel behind.

At that point, Ramiel felt that utter desolation that made him want to stay in his parents’ house. He couldn’t take the idea of going to college, getting a diploma, and having a dead-end job that slaves him until his retirement. It despairs Ramiel just by thinking how he would become like his father. But not only that, there was some laziness involved that made Ramiel feel no hope at all.

Ramiel wasn’t a guy who believed in hope.

He felt like hope would do nothing but lead him to disappointment.

And the irony is that Ramiel was named by his mother in honor of the Angel of Hope.

Maybe his mother didn’t foresee that his child would become so fallen.