Chapter 57 – Ramiel’s Monologue

I remember walking down a bushy road. I was waiting for the ‘protection’ that Gundry promised. But in the end, I saw four black robed men surrounding me. I was instantly afraid. I thought of fighting back, but I wasn’t some damn superhuman and they got me good.

They beat me up for quite a well. They then stopped when one of them recognize the cloak wrapping around my shoulder. I remember one of them saying that they could not kill me because of the cloak. They thought that the person who sent them didn’t inform them that I was a soldier of the Kingdom of Lin.

Obviously I was not a soldier, but nonetheless due to the cloak, I was saved again. Instead of killing me, they dragged me around for months around everywhere. They put a collar on neck tightly and they fed me scrap of their food. Crumbs, bones, and mazes that only have a few corn left on it, they treat me like a dog. On the road I wasn’t able to sleep, they made me always awake.

I fought the hunger. I fought the cold in the winter, shivering as I freeze. I truly wanted to take the chance to kill myself at those moments. But I was a coward. I could not act on it. And I was dragged to the city they call Tinople.

When I arrive in the city they pulled my cloak. I was then left in the ground where I was once again alone. I didn’t know why but my whole world feels grim. My fingers were starting to blackened, and three of it turned into a rotten wood-like, that smells like a corpse. I wandered around the city for a while, and immediately after my arrival in this desert city that I was picked on.

Two thugs started to grab me and pour hot water over my scalp. I screamed due to the pain, and before I can even move they hold me and shaved my head with a dirk. I was screaming in pain. I felt like my world was collapsing. And after those bastards were done with me, my hand manages to grab hold of a stone. My life was in danger, and knowing that if I don’t fight back, I will get picked on. I swung the stone right at one of the perpetrators throat and killed. The other one was a bit taken back. But I didn’t give him a chance and casts a glow spell to blind him. The bastard was blinded, which made me able to pull his dirk away from his hand and stabbed him right in the glabella.

The two lay dead on the ground. When I realized what I have done. I feel the last strings that held my sanity snap. I started crying on the ground. I cried, cried and cried until it was night. I could not hold myself any longer. Loneliness, despair and suffering, all of it was falling down upon me.

I was sobbing. But then I started to realize it. It was a one big joke pointed towards me. I realized the futility of my actions so I laughed. I laughed, cackled and hysterically giggled in all of it. It was a big joke and I know it! And then suddenly I remember my vision turning weird. Everything was so beautiful, colorful, that I could not help but get giggly about it.

I started to laugh madly. I started to see the world in different filter. I was happy, happy that it was all going well. I know I was going insane but I feel like it was better than removing the filter. It gave me a peace of mind for months. But one day, during a certain day, it all changed.

The androgynous elven dude grabbed my head tight. He then shoved me into the ‘painting’ that I did. I was laughing, and I was laughing. But I got pissed off by his forceful, cold attitude. I tried to break away but it was all for naught. The androgynous elven was too strong. And by the time I wanted to get away, he shoved my face into the painting that I did.

Then that rainbow filter that clouded my eyes disappeared.

What I saw was a desecrated man’s face. His eyes were gouged out, his cheeks were carved and his mouth was violated to the point that I could see his jaw sticking. Realizing what was in front of me, I screamed. I then immediately cast a spell and blinded the elven.

I ran. I ran. I ran.

I was suddenly awoken. And those visions of pure happiness that I saw got edited out. The truth behind them filled my brain and the horrible things that I have done while acting all maddened fill me. I killed, and killed. I was so disgusted about what I did that I vomited all the beef jerky shit that I was eating for months. I ran again until I reach a solitary place.

It was a flourishing garden that some noble owned. The noble living here is long dead; I killed him thinking that I was putting a tattoo on his chest. I sat on the middle of his garden quietly sobbing. I was distraught, but strangely I was still laughing inside. I could not hold my own self-disgust. I cried my tears out and all thoughts of moving or roaming around drained me from me.

I don’t even want to move. I don’t want to talk to people. I just want to be left alone right now. I have no idea what to do. I have no idea what I will do. I am too much of a coward to take my own damn life. And most of all, I am afraid of me facing this world and its reality.

It scares me. I am afraid of it all. And, I just want to go back home.

And please...if there is anyone, please save me from this hell.

Oh God, I just want to go home!

HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHA

I want to...go...home.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Before Ludak helps me again...I don’t want to depend on him.