I opened my eyes and looked around. I was on the bed that I lay down upon before falling apart, but now in a completely different body that the bed simply wasn’t designed for.

I got up and fell off the bed, barely managing to catch myself before I fell flat on my face. 99.873% still wasn’t 100%, so I was once again a bit off in my movements.

“You’re up! Nice, then we can get going!” Ben said. “That is, if you can move properly?”

“I think I can…” I cautiously said as I looked up at him. “I’ve practised a lot in that room, but it’s still a quick course trying its best to replace years of growing up and learning.”

“Yeah, I know what you mean. We all know what you mean.” Ben said. “Though I guess it’s a much more impactful change for you, huh? Respect, for having the balls to change like this. Though Elise doesn’t exactly agree.”

I glanced at Elise, and she was looking down upon me with a look of betrayal.

“What’s wrong?” I asked.

“Thomas, why the hell did you… What the hell were you thinking! Why did you turn into… Into, this!? It’s…” A flustered Elise sputtered, unable to find the words she no doubt rehearsed in her head. “I thought we had… You even gave a flag that… Why did you…”

“It’s the best race for my class.” I said. I already assumed that the rest of the group would have some reservations about my choice, but I hadn’t anticipated disagreement.

“But… But! Weren’t there any Storm Royal classes for you to take!?” Elise said. “Something big, strong, sexy and… And… And not this!”

“There was, but the Storm Olympian was extremely limiting in comparison. He only allows me to use lightning and thunder spells, and the latter are rare.” I said. “Meanwhile this one is-”

“Thomas, you’re a spider! An ugly, monstrous gargoyle-faced spider!” Elise exclaimed. “There is nothing attractive about you anymore! I changed, and I thought that you would- You would… You know what, never mind. No. I’m over it, let’s just go.”

“Y- Yeah, let’s go adventuring!” Ben said, clearly uncomfortable and eager to change the subject. “Darryl actually finished transforming before you, so he’s ready too! Right, Darryl? Darryl?”

­­­___ ___ ___ ___

I shook awake when Ben repeated my name. Right, I’m Darryl.

“Yeah, I’m good to go.” I said.

I looked at Thomas, who finished his transformation into a giant spider. Well, giant, she came up to my kneecaps. But that was because she wasn’t standing vertically, her chin hovering just a few centimetres above the ground.

She was actually really large, probably taller than Ben if she would be standing upright. Which she couldn’t. But her head was as big as the rest of ours, granting me a way of gauging her size relative to ours.

Thomas was a Choldritch now, which wasn’t some kind of spider-legged centaur or a humanoid with spider features. She was an actual spider with a large spherical abdomen behind her thorax and with six long spider legs to stand on. Her front two limbs weren’t meant for walking, as they were arms with four-fingered hands with three digits on each finger that could bend both ways. Each fingertip split off into two retractable mini-fingers that split at the end like a snake’s tail, allowing for incredibly fine manipulation.

And her face was… Well, Elise wasn’t off the mark comparing it to a gargoyle. While she had eight eyes and mandibles, the facial structure and ears gave her a more batlike touch.

And wasn’t she a he? She looked female, but… Right, I still wasn’t too used to Darryl’s memories. My memories, I corrected myself. Even after finishing the transformation, Darr- my former life still didn’t feel like mine. Almost as everything that happened until now had been in the third person.

Back to the topic at hand. Thomas was a he, and I’m pretty sure he said we could still call him a he if we wanted. Or a they, or a she. She didn’t care what we’d call him. I guess I just defaulted to the gender I saw, instead of going by memories.

Not that it mattered. I didn’t know how I could tell his gender, but she was indistinguishable from a he. Maybe a bit bigger on account of being female, perhaps? No, not for this species of arachna.

I stopped staring at the spider and looked at my other two compatriots.

Elise was a lot more eye-catching now, thanks to the whole billowing and floating thing.

After we tossed her tavern wench outfit out the Safe Zone to attract more Vespa, it had been attacked with acid, chewed upon and then covered with an ankle-deep layer of dead Vespa. We either forgot to recover it, or never bothered. As a result, she once again wore her surface clothes. She was still wearing the Hauler Back Brace over her shirt so it didn’t billow to reveal her belly, and she was wearing pants instead of a skirt so there was no Marilyn Monroe’ing either.

But she was a lot more eye-catching now than even her old form. Her hovering made the winds around her twist and pull, even in an idle state. Her top hat was no longer slightly askew on her head in a way that it should fall off but didn’t, instead it now continuously hovered and spun above her head. She told us that she still got the item’s benefits.

And Ben looked as I saw him during the selection, but more appropriate. His naked example looked rather odd and bland, but now that he donned his gear he actually appeared like an old comic rogue. He even had the superhero mask that only covered his eyes and cheekbones, and his dollar-store Dracula cape actually looked cool now. The feathered cap still looked edgy and out of place, but otherwise his appearance now held together.

Darryl himself… I myself had turned a deep blue and my body had taken a form that was more statue than person. There were no veins where I could see them before, and I wasn’t sure if I still had joints or if my knuckles and knees were purely aesthetic. I already tried to put my breastplate back on, but it had gotten way too small for me now. Fortunately, my sandals and gloves still fit somehow. I could no longer wear my helmet, on account of my face now being a helmet, but the Crown of Thorns still fit around my new head.

“I’ve got this helmet, and an earring of poison resistance that I can no longer wear. No ears.” I said. “Also, I’m immune to most poisons anyway.”

“I cannot wear these slippers anymore, so if anyone needs an intelligence and dex boost and lesser cold resistance, here you go.” Thomas said. “Same for these robes. Shame, considering the stats.”

“I could take everything but the robes, though Ben can also wear the earring. And Thomas too, I guess, you still have ears. No wait, I cannot take off the tiara so I cannot use the helmet either.” Elise said. “But let’s take a look at our new equipment first, before we start spreading stuff.”

I nodded and opened my menu, selecting my loot boxes. I had one Bronze Boss Box for that easy battle with the giant plant, a Silver Boss Box for slaying the Hag and a few lesser boxes. The Boggles died before triggering the Boss Battle at all, so only Thomas got a box for that one. As we opened our boxes right before our confrontation with Martin, we had nothing from before that.

We unfortunately hadn’t done a lot of new stuff after the last time we opened our boxes, and my class wasn’t an Earth one. I did have a whole slew of new achievements that got me nothing at all, but those were worthless anyway so I ignored them.

I got a silver box from back when I put Martin’s corpse in my inventory, and a gold box for killing someone without getting a skull. Which I guess I got from Martin killing himself with my shield’s reflective damage. I also gained an achievement for going into a feral rage and another one for getting out of an endless feral state alive, achievements I didn’t remember getting.

For the rest, nothing. Saving all those people was something we did, but apparently it was too vague or hadn’t triggered any achievements. Volos told us during his tutorial talk that there would be quests to reward that kind of behaviour, but those only started popping up from this floor onward.

Well, six boxes were nothing to scoff at. I reckoned that getting achievements would become harder and harder as things progressed. And the silver boss box might give a better item than a whole series of bronze trash boxes combined.

Bronze Madman Box (1/6)

3x Jaxxed!

Bronze Boss Box (2/6)

3x Health Potion

15 gold pieces

Silver Cold Sunnovabitch Box (3/6)

2 gallon jugs of completely innocent and legal household chemicals that surely won’t combine into a reaction that can dissolve a body. (Wink wink)

Silver Madman Box (4/6)

10x Jaxxed!

1x Jaxxed! Effect-enhancing syringe

Silver Boss Box (5/6)

Dwarven Armoured Kilt

Gold Killer Box (6/6)

Item Upgrade Scroll (All stuff edition)

Well, one useable item was still better than nothing. I wasn’t surprised about the Bronze Boss Box; everyone knew the loot wasn’t truly random. We didn’t defeat the plant boss properly, and so the reward was crap.

I took out one of the Jaxxed! that I got from my Madman boxes, the boxes I gained for the feral state achievements. It was some kind of chemical in a vial too awkward to drink from, the syringe suggesting that you had to shoot yourself up with the stuff. Or you could just put it in your hotbar and take it immediately, I guess.

Jaxxed!

Are you not strong enough? Are you not tough enough? Do you have an excess of unused brain cells that you want to trade for being more jacked? Well, why not become Jaxxed! instead!? Taking this drug is illegal in 97.2% of the Solar Systems and explicitly forbidden in all legally recognised sport events, so you know it has to be the good stuff! And it has absolutely no negative side-effects! If you don’t mind the increased rage and impulsiveness, long-term intellect loss and the damage that this stuff will do to your body in a few decades! So there are a few side-effects, I guess, but at least this drug won’t shrink your testies!

Increases your Strength by 5 and your Constitution by 3 for ten minutes. Permanently increases both by 1 point with a 30% chance of an additional point for either. Decreases your Intelligence by 5 (minimum of 2) for 10 minutes and gives a 30% chance to permanently decreases it by 1.

Yeah, I wasn’t going to be taking this stuff.

“Don’t do drugs, kid.” Volos said when I showed it to him, just to be sure. “Your society knows what this kind of stuff can do to you, and the dungeon will treat all drugs as badly as Earthling Christian anti-drug groups depict addiction as. It can make for some interesting characters as far as the audience is concerned, but addicts are always one shop-deprived floor away from a hard crash and burn.”

“I figured. We’ve seen the full description of meth addiction. Can I sell it?” I asked.

“Yes, but be aware that selling to a ‘tourist’, someone who bought a ticket to become a semi-crawler, can cause some legal issues. They’ll offer to buy for a lot more than any shop, but there’s a reason for that. You guys are allowed to be given this kind of stuff as you’re technically registered as entertainment test animals by the law, but the dungeon isn’t allowed to give illegal substances to Syndicate citizens.”

“What about this one?” I asked, taking out the Item Upgrade Scroll.

“That’s some good stuff. Wait, no. It’s the version that can also upgrade anything in your inventory, not just the stuff you’re wearing right now.” Volos said. “An Upgrade Scroll will ‘randomly’ upgrade a skill, stat or item, meaning that the AI picks something to improve. You usually don’t get this stuff until later, to upgrade your brand gear that the audience has gotten used to instead of changing your marketable appearance and fighting style too regularly.

“For the good Item Upgrade Scrolls, never take off everything but the stuff you want to upgrade, because that will result in terrible upgrades. You can take off a certain group of items you don’t want to improve, for example Elise could take off all her Charisma stuff before using it, but that’s already stretching it. Eventually, these scrolls will improve your gear to be a lot better than whatever you’ll be getting from boxes and mob drops.

“Your scroll is a lot trashier, technically it’s just as good but in practice it tends to be garbage. It’s known as the Trolling Upgrade Scroll, because the AI tends to upgrade something useless in your inventory for a cheap laugh. They could upgrade one of the corpses you’re carrying around into a dire corpse, or turn one of the first floor’s Poor Rat Steaks into a Mediocre Rat Steak. You could technically end up with a greater healing potion or something marginally useful such as a pen that never runs dry, but practically this is a troll item given to hoarders to laugh at their hoarding.”

“I see. I’m going to have to take it anyway, as it will expire in an hour.” I said.

I put the scroll in my hotbar and selected it, and I got a notification of what happened.

“Of course he’d upgrade one of those, I could’ve known considering the box it came out of.” I said, taking out a ticket.

Free Hunt Crawler Kill Ticket

When you kill a crawler for the first time, we always reward you with some Crawler Kill Tickets! Usually with the names of the dead weight party members you’re carrying through all of this on them, but always a ticket specified to work for only one crawler. This ticket isn’t lame like that! When you’re carrying this ticket and kill any crawler, I repeat: ANY crawler, we will grant you the following:

+1 level (Maximum of 3 levels negated), a Gold Apparel Box, a Gold Weapon Box, a Gold Adventurer Box and a random Platinum Box (maximum of 3 boxes negated).

Warning: This is a Trade Fleeting Item, and disintegrates when traded to other crawlers. This is YOUR reward, kiddo.

“So I just got drugs I’ll never use, a ticket I’ll never claim and some chemicals that may be useful. At least I got some legwear out of it, though I think it comes with the jab that I would’ve had something to wear if I chose the Cross-dressing Shield Maiden class. Still, they’re good pants that go with the hoplite apparel.”

I stripped down to my underwear and put the kilt on. It was a bit more Egyptian than either my general appearance or a kilt should be, but it wasn’t too jarring.

Dwarven Armoured Kilt

On every planet, for every civilised species, there is always that one random culture that is all about manliness, enduring and brawn, but doing it wearing a skirt! Your Scots are the first to double down to also be that one weird culture with the bagpipes. When it comes to dwarves though, they are the inverse case where there’s just one weirdo culture per planet that doesn’t wear manly skirts! The rest of them throw themselves at much bigger foes (not very difficult for a dwarf) while free-balling, or utilising their horrid upskirt view to dissuade enemies from climbing the mighty dwarven fortress walls where their dangly bits will be waiting at the top! Their tea-bagging is savage!

With this kilt you can be such a semi-exhibitionist too! Wearing this armoured kilt, you can let the boys get some air without having to worry about attacks from any direction but below!

While wearing this item, you gain +2 Con and +1 in the Immovable Sumo Stance skill. When not wearing any underwear excluding speedos, panties or something even naughtier, you also get +1 in the Voyeur Trap skill.

“Volos, is the Voyeur Trap skill any good?” I asked.

Volos chuckled. “It’s not bad. Any sentient creature that looks up your skirt will automatically be hit with a Blinding effect. Situational, but it’s a passive effect that will always be active.”

“Hm, I don’t actually have junk that hangs out any more, so there wouldn’t be any discomfort or trouble there.” I said. I was about to reach underneath my kilt when I remembered the inventory system. My underwear popped out of existence.

Ben only got the two boss boxes, but the bronze one was decent this time. Probably because Ben was the one that dealt all the damage to the plant boss. He got a ring of +1 Dex and a squire-like leather cap that reduced all aggro on him when he was hiding behind a taller ally. He could easily wear his feather cap on top of it, so on it went.

Elise got the same basic potions for her Bronze Boss Box, but a breastplate with gorget and pauldrons for her Silver Boss Box. Well, breastplate… The gorget, pauldrons and other parts that protected not too attractive parts were big and sturdy as they should be, while other parts of the breastplate were tighter, thinner or downright missing.

Elise grumbled but put it on regardless, but didn’t take off her shirt to deny the fanservice that the armour was clearly meant to provide. The parts that were present gave the protection one expected from steel armour, and it came with a skill that helped her pivot and move in a way that made enemies more likely to hit the proper metal parts rather than the exposed ones.

Thomas got five boxes too. A gold box for killing a crawler without getting a skull same as me for killing Gunther, which yielded a scroll for a lethal spell that only worked on crawlers. The Silver Destroyer Box for killing those Boggles, which granted him another tattoo. This one increased the damage he dealt to Bosses, but only if they were lower level than him. At least this tattoo didn’t seem to go both ways.

His Platinum Sex-change Box got him a new pair of glasses: Bright pink flamingo wings called the Archmage Wife’s Summer Vacation Glasses. He could see through fog, fire and smoke clearly with them, and it gave him a skill that Volos wasn’t familiar with called Off the Clock Manager Mode. His two boss boxes got him basic potions from the bronze one and a new spell called Frosty Mortar from his silver box.

With our new gear ready and equipped, we were finally about to embark upon the third floor.