Unlike Elise who was slowly transforming, Volos took Ben to his bed and laid him down before pressing a button. Ben immediately fell apart into a puddle of goo, bubbling and churning as the transformation began. Next to him, Elise’s veins had turned yellow while her skin still looked normal, with Cuddles contently resting his head on her stomach snoring loudly.

Thomas already got onto the pad while Volos did that, and looked at the options.

The first recommendation was the Big Brain Time Gnome, looking as one would expect a gnome to look. A large head with even larger features, set on a chubby body with shorter than human limbs. He didn’t look terrible or intentionally ugly like the Boggles had before, rather than a movie CGI giant / dwarf with a hint of trying and failing to make a realistic 3D chibi.

Big Brain Time Gnome

This class requires you to have reached an intelligence of 20 and the Smart Supervising! Achievement.

Oh jah, it’s big brain time! The smartest of all you 500 IQ humans, I’m sure you’re well aware that some people are just so much smarter and able to have much better big brain ideas than others! These gnomes know exactly how you feel, because in their eyes everyone else’s brains are just so small and shriveled up! How can the smallheads even hope to calculate the first three hundred decimals of pi from the top of their head with their brain being less than 30% of their biomass? Such dumdums!

+8 Int, +1 Con. Learns new spells 25% faster and increases spell levelling by 10% for all spells.

“Wait, this thing will be 2-2.20m tall? And from the looks of it he’ll be just as broad. Wizards shouldn’t be getting any advantage from being bigger and stronger, so I see no reason to make myself a bigger target. That will just result in me getting hit more often.” Thomas said.

“True enough, the AI doesn’t consider those factors in their recommendation.” Volos said, returning to them. “Gnomes are the cliché for wizards and tinkerers, not a bad choice but not a good one either. I’d personally say that going goblin tinkerer is better, their stuff is more likely to explode or jam but the audience loves the bigger explosions, the risk that comes with every shot and the whole post-apocalypse raider appeal.

“For wizards, gnomes are one of the better species in base stats but they’re not very specialised. And spellcasters should always specialise, even if it makes them glass cannons. Your choices will be a lot more balancing gains and losses than Elise’s and Ben’s were, because if you end up with a build that doesn’t specialise then you’re going to be lagging behind in everything. As such, gnome wizards will be great for the first few floors, and then you start noticing that you’re coming short in more than one way. These Big Brain guys can also become psionics, though.”

“Are psionics any good?” Thomas asked.

“Plenty. They can use charms and mind control without having to rely on charisma at all, so you can put a lot more in Intelligence instead of choosing between damage plus mana or overcoming enemy resistances, mind control still works when they’re immune to natural charm or aware of your charming attempts, and you’ll get telekinesis for more direct damage potential.” Volos said. “Same issue as with the assassin that you’re not going to be taking down bosses constantly with this, but it’s a much less prominent issue when you have mind thralls and can throw large boulders with your mind. Psionics are almost always race-exclusive, though.”

“Hm, interesting.” Thomas said.

The second recommendation was a Storm Olympian, a blue-skinned Zeus very similar to Elise’s race. He too was floating with his hair billowing, and his body was jacked with well-proportioned muscles shaping into an Adonis figure that only A-list actors could really achieve.

Storm Olympian Tempest Weaver

This race requires an intelligence of 20, the Light up the Sky! Achievement and to have killed at least 100 mobs with lightning in under 10 minutes.

The Storm people are a rather bland folk, also known as humans. Their nobles are more interesting, but they are still just humans with some innate lightning powers. Storm Royals though, they are interesting! A completely different species, who embody both power and physical perfection while still looking kind of human. They are floating masters of UNLIMITED POWER!!! that know exactly how to lord their superiority over the weak! The rich ones amongst them absolutely love to buy themselves a century of becoming a god amongst primitive dirt dwellers that haven’t even figured out the radio yet, and Earth once was such a resort!

You’re the socially awkward nephew of this god amongst men! You don't really like leaving your room and mingling with people, consensual or not, and much prefer to just phone in things from behind your computer. Able to conjure up mighty storms and then letting them slowly drift over to whatever issue your mom is telling you to solve, most Tempest Weavers can go entire years without seeing other people!

+4 Int, +1 Con, +2 Dex, +3 Cha. Storm Royal Levitation and Lightning Immunity unlocked. You gain three random lightning spells upon picking this race. All lightning spells deal +15% damage and their range is tripled. Wind Sense range is tripled. Skill level cap is increased to lvl20 for up to three lightning spells, and all lightning spells train 5% faster.

Bans combat spells without Lightning or Thunder damage, all non-lightning spells are capped at lvl10. This race requires a minimum of 25 Int.

“Not terrible, but probably not.” Thomas said, merely glancing over the power fantasy body wearing his face before dismissing it.

“Why not? This guy looks very strong.” Darryl asked.

Thomas pointed at a line of the description. “While I agree that Chain Lightning is very strong, to limit myself to one element would be asking for trouble. Even if this race comes with a bunch of innate lightning spells, being only able to cast lightning and thunder spells is a very absolute handicap. Wait, does that also apply for non-damage spells?”

“Let me check.” Volos said. “No, you can still cast spells like Charm Person or Boned. But they won’t be as strong. Even generalist spellcasters will be better at them. And many spells tend to be locked behind class restrictions, or require a class’s changes of the rules to be viable. Illusion and enchantment have a few basic spells you can cast regardless of what you are, but the good stuff is specialisation-exclusive or requires the class’s mana modifier for you to afford casting it at all.

“This is a good example of the kind of choice you’ll have to make. Yes, this will limit your arsenal to lightning, but it will make sure that your lightning will scale along to the difficulty curve. You could pick a race like the gnome that would allow you to cast fire and cold too, but eventually you’ll find yourself facing enemies that will eviscerate you regardless of the element you’ll use.”

“Hm, in that case I guess I can reconsider. Lightning isn’t bad and you guys will be with me so it’s not as if the first lightning-resistant foes I run into will be the end for me, but still…” Thomas said. “I’ve got an even better spell called Firestorm that I would lose without ever having cast it.”

“Firestorm!? Damn, that’s straight-up war-magic! They usually don’t give those spells in anything short of legendary boxes.” Volos said. “Maybe you’re right to dismiss this guy. But spellcasters and especially wizards tend to get at least a few absolute limits of specialisation to avoid someone that could cast and do anything they want, so don’t be too hasty to reject anything quite yet.”

“It was indeed a legendary box reward.” Thomas preened. “So I’m not too inclined to give up on it, as I’ve already learned the spell.”

The third option was a ghastly-looking man, old and wrinkled but with hidden strength in his hale body. His fingers were long and ended in talons, and his whole body was a bit like he had O-legs. He had no lips or cheeks and his eyes were small and pushing into his head, turning his face into a skull that was permanently in a state of angry glaring.

Grave Penetrator Ghoulomeister

Hey kids, wanna see a dead body? No, not me! A different one! Just follow me into this haunted forest, and... What? No! I don't want to molest you, I just want to kill you and add you to my undead horde! Why are you running away! Come back here! Damn kids!

These guys would be some of the biggest sex offenders drugging girls with natural roofies, if it weren’t for them being a bunch of ugly-ass old men that hang around cemeteries only socialising with dead things. Their claws being able to paralyse almost everything, their sissy scratches in defence when you catch them unawares after hacking through their zombie friends might not be so sissy after all!

Your categorisation will turn to (Pretty much) Undead upon picking this species. You will gain +1 Paralytic Talon, necrotic immunity, curse resistance, life drain resistance, and all necromancer skills level 5% faster. +3 Int, +5 Con, +2 Dex, -2 Cha. You cannot raise your Charisma higher than 10 after picking this option.

“The Grave Penetrator Ghoulomeister is a necromancer race, no two ways about it.” Volos said. “This species will make you immune to most undead attacks and abilities, makes them not automatically hostile to you, your slow metabolism makes you resistant to a lot of poisons, and your claws are naturally laced with a paralytic agent. That feature is especially useful once you start creating the necrotic constructs that need to be alive when you cast your spells. This is probably one of the tankier options you’ll get, as these guys are built to be alone and survive their escape if their minions are disposed of or circumvented by enemies.”

“Are necromancers good?” Thomas asked.

“In a group? They’re decent.” Volos shrugged. “They’re definitely not bad, but every thrall you’ll make will absorb a part of your mana pool so you’ll end up as a supervisor instead of slinging spells around while your thralls fight.

“Necromancers are good in a team and alone, but they are a popular choice either way. They, summoners and mind controllers always are, because after experiencing the first two floors there’s always a lot of crawlers gladly picking a class that allows them to avoid direct combat entirely. And it’s pretty much a requirement for lone spellcasters to survive, this Ghoulomancer being a schoolbook example of a build specifically made for solo spellcasters.

“Still, with the infinite inventory system and you thus being able to collect everything you kill and keep it fresh until you need it, necromancers are probably going to be extra potent this season. There’s usually a challenge to survive the start of every floor, having to kill mobs by yourself when your focus is on letting your minions fight and your melee skills being woefully inadequate after a while. Your thralls disintegrate going down the Stairs after all, but that issue is now gone.

“Necromancer classes, unlike lone spells like your Boned, usually also get spells and abilities that allow their mobs to be as strong as the mob originally was minus the zombification penalties, rather than being a set level equal to the skill. And your mana regeneration will be decided by your total mana rather than what’s left after the mana reduction. The better necromancers usually end up walking around with Neighbourhood Bosses as their thralls, and try to get good mob combos going.”

“That sounds really good, actually.” Thomas said.

“A blast mage or a spellcaster who can do things that the rest of the party can’t are usually better, though. Necromancers are a lone spellcaster build, meant to fill all the roles of the party at once.” Volos said. “In the end, zombies and spectres are lesser crawlers that punch things and take hits. They replace the frontline crawler friends that the necromancer doesn’t have, but it’s a lesser alternative. Throwing class-enhanced fireballs will deal more damage than a pack of ghouls, and teleportation or illusions can fix problems that Elise, Ben and Darryl cannot solve. Necromancers are good, but in a party they fill a niche that fellow crawlers can usually fill better.”

“True. My idea when I came in here was to go Illusionist, gaining a wide versatility of tricks to distract, frighten and mislead. Not to be yet another DPS.” Thomas said. “Assuming that Illusionists aren’t actually rather bad?”

“They’re not bad at all, unless your spell selection screws you over. A creative crawler who knows how to entertain the crowd will be potent indeed.” Volos said. “But, do you have an illusion spell?”

“I do not.” Thomas said.

“Then you can only pick the most basic Illusionist class, which is going to be garbage compared to your exclusive options.” Volos said. “All other Illusionists are locked behind the requirement that you cast at least one illusion spell before coming in here, picking an illusionist race excluded. Same for the others, you wouldn’t have had a necromancy option without Boned or Storm Olympian without a lightning spell.”

“Ah. Right.” Thomas said. “Shame. But I’m seeing some really good options here as it is. I’m thinking either going psionic with a different race than the gnome if possible, or a necromancer build that gets more than just damage potential. Let’s see what the class options are for the latter before browsing the psionic race options.”

Volos switched to the class selection and gasped.

“How in the ever-living Krakaren did you manage to get the Supreme Artillery Mage?” Volos said. “The Artillery Mage is already one of the best blast mages out there, but Supreme? You would have to… to…”

Volos browsed through a few menus, and then gasped again. “Holy Celesta, how did you manage to kill over ten thousand creatures with spells!?”

“Do brindled grubs count?” Thomas asked.

“Oh? Oh. That’s a much more mundane explanation than I thought.” Volos said, immediately calming down. “Yeah, I guess you can game the kill count system that way. Still, ten thousand…”

“We were near some very large mobs that resulted in a lot of grubs and pupae concentrated in a small region, and I had some decent aoe spells.” Thomas said. “We had to burn them to prevent the others from eating them to grow, and once I killed the first few hundred I got a lot of spells that lend themselves well for killing large groups.”

“I see. Guess that we’re going to be seeing more artillery mages than usual this season.” Volos said. “No, wait. I see there was an unannounced patch on the third day to remove brindle kills for these kind of achievements. No retroactive removal, though, so you really lucked out on this.

“So, on spellcasters: They are always balanced to excel in certain spells or damage types, at the expense of others. There isn’t a Jack of All Trades spellcaster who isn’t terrible in everything.” Volos said. “The Artillery Mage is the closest thing you’ll get as an exception when it comes to dealing damage, as they are a good blast mage without excluding any type of damage, and they get boosters that apply to all spell damage.

“That’s really good, compared to for example pyromancers who could cast lightning and frost but end up using fire against fire-resistant enemies anyway because it’s just more effective. Artillery Mages have a bonus for greater aoe and distance, but they aren’t weak in any regard but close range. They don’t have anything against friendly fire, but that just means you have to be careful where you aim.

“The one downside is, they come with the hard limitation that you can only cast damage spells. Even those class-independent spells you have like Boned or Levitate Object will become impossible to cast, though Poison Cloud is still damage. The only three exceptions here are your basic Heal spell, the Torch spell and racial spells that are considered not actually spells despite being spells.”

“That sounds like a pure DPS build, not really what I’m looking for.” Thomas said.

“It is. And it’s very straightforward. And you won’t have stuff like the versatile yet not spread-out psionic build. But.” Volos said.

“But?” Thomas asked.

“But, pure DPS or not, everything else is still going to be far inferior to this option.” Volos said. “Your other two recommendations are the One-Man Retirement Home and the Studious Scribe, giving me a good indication of the quality of your non-Artillery mage options. They’re not bad, but they’re trash in comparison.

“The One-Man Retirement Home is a pretty good necromancer that can make a Neighbourhood Boss party like I mentioned before, and the Scribe is a great utilitarian given their ability to make scrolls and cast prepared spells with the mana prepaid or without spending mana by casting it as a ritual.

“Both are good options. But anything short of the Living Lich and the Arch Librarian will simply be inferior to an improved Artillery Mage. Especially the Supreme version. I don’t know what psionic classes you could unlock, but as you don’t already have psionic abilities, feats or spells to unlock better stuff I can assure you that those are going to be subpar too.”

“So you’re saying that I should get the Supreme Artillery Mage?” Thomas said.

“I’m not supposed to tell you what to do or force your hand, I’m only supposed to give advice.” Volos said. “But yes. This isn't really a choice or opinion; this is a very clear-cut situation. You either pick this class, or you actively weaken yourself by picking anything else.

“You have to kill ten thousand creatures with spells to get this class, and kill at least five-hundred with a particular element for at least three different elements, and kill at least a thousand creatures with a single spell, and kill a creature from at least 150m away.

“Yes, brindled grubs are an unexpected exploit to make it a lot easier to get all these achievements, and you really lucked out getting these things before the patch by blindly stumbling into clearing all of them. They made sure that you cannot get this class simply by getting one really good spell, or anything like that. It’s usually supposed to be a lot harder than this.

“But people can get lucky sometimes, and you got really lucky. You’re not getting anything better than this. The only exception would be a class unlocked by popularity, but we’re talking people with trillions of views while you are still mostly monitored by bots. You probably would’ve gotten yourself the Walking Nuke or even an improved version thereof if you managed to get past the trillion followers mark, but you’d have to get really lucky for that.”

“I understand. But still, absolutely nothing but DPS?” Thomas said. “Can we see if there is a race that can get me some versatile stuff to negate that downside some?”

“Sure. Just remember, for just this once I’m telling you what to do instead of just suggesting it.” Volos said. “The species you want to go with it will be fine in most cases, you could even stay human if you want. As long as you don’t limit your class it’s all good.”

“Right, so definitely not my second recommendation.” Thomas said. “The Olympian cuts off all but lightning and thunder damage. Not the gnome either, that body is just one big target if you ask me.”

“The Ghoulomancer isn’t a bad choice.” Volos said. “He has melee weapons and decent defences to balance out the Artillery Mage’s weakness to close range. He doesn’t get any necromancer spells that aren’t banned by your class, but that paralytic venom isn’t considered magical. But if you want something tanky, you’ll have better races than that one.”

Darryl sat down on one of the chairs and watched Elise and Ben’s slow transformations while Thomas and Volos went through the rest of his racial options. Elise was starting to turn blue, and Ben’s puddle had taken on a vaguely humanoid shape by now.

Twenty minutes later, Darryl heard the conversation slowly reaching its end with a final selection being made. Getting back up to join the others, he looked over Thomas’s shoulder at the options.

“Let’s get rid of this one, he seems like most of his boons are for a specific build different from mine.” Thomas said. “And this one seems a bit big and slow.”

“They are. Good Dex can alleviate that, but they still make for an easy target.” Volos said.

“Then I think this one.” Thomas said, opening one of the options.

“Uh, are you sure?” Darryl said upon seeing the creature that appeared.

“Why not?” Thomas frowned. “I’ll get access to a rare kind of magic that few people get, it’s very versatile and doesn’t require known spells, I get a means of staying out of combat and natural armour to offset that the Artillery Mage cannot wear most kinds of armour.”

“Yeah, but… You know…” Darryl said. “Have you seen what you’ll look like?”

“I have, yes. But I see no reason to stay human, or pretty much a human, aside from aesthetic and cultural reasons. And those shouldn’t be leading for this decision.” Thomas said. “Even with all these boons we’re still more likely to die than to make it out of this death-trap of a dungeon, so I prefer improving my odds of survival over unsupported sentiments.”

“What about his popularity?” Darryl said.

“Well, it certainly isn’t going to make him top 10 material.” Volos hesitantly said, just as awkwardly uncertain about this species as Darryl. “But it will make him popular for a niche of species that are usually unrepresented in most crawls.”

“Broad popularity isn’t going to happen for me.” Thomas said. “So working a niche that will get me some popularity is probably a better move.”

“True. And it’s your body, so if you want to turn into… this, then go for it. Mechanics and power-wise there isn’t anything bad about it.” Volos said. “Just know that there are no take-backs.”

“Right. So I’ll just click here and… Hm, maybe I should do that gender-swap for the platinum box too, it’s not as if it’s going to make much of a difference now.” Thomas said. “Right?”

“I mean, I guess. Theirs is a Matriarchy, so it would be an improvement for you.” Volos reluctantly said.

“Good. Let’s do that too, then.” Thomas said, and accepted his choices.