[WP] Some people have Swiss Army Knives, but you somehow have a British Army Umbrella

...

"Hey Rob."

"Yeah Joe?"

"Why does my kit come with an umbrella?"

"Digby Tatham-Warter."

"..."

"He was a god-damn hero, Joe."

"... I don't know why I bothered to ask."

"Well, that's why. The more you know."

"Well, your bag has a poncho. I'd rather have a poncho than an umbrella... And why did you pack so many cases of nutella in the backseat?"

"Because I was in a hurry Joe. I didn't exactly hit the supermarket, I just cleared out the pantry."

"That answers absolutely nothing."

"There's some jerky too."

"... I see that... Is that fucking wonder-bread? You packed wonder-bread?"

"Oh- come on! Seriously Joe? You're really going through the kits to nit-pick now? Now? We're in another god-damn-mother-fucking-dimension! I mean look out there! Those are fucking Zombies! Look!"

"I stopped looking after you cut the fifth one's head off, and strapped it to the front of the jeep."

"Heh, yeah... Well, I saw you look at that long-sword too bud. Don't even try to tell me you weren't thinking the exact same thing. It was like Excalibur."

"Only instead of a stone, it was in some dead guy."

"Details-details, they don't matter Joe. Just look ahead, witness the mystery, the magic. Is this high-fantasy setting or what? Those trees are bonkers."

"They're creepy as hell, Rob."

"Right? Isn't it awesome? There has GOT to be some evil fucking magic afoot here. I can just feel it."

"I..."

"Got to be. I'm so pumped right now Joe, this is wicked cool."

"... I can't even understand how you survived this long. I just don't get it."

"Look, Joe- I know you're a bit down and out. We definitely didn't manage to save that first village like we planned, but that's okay! That's alright Joe. Being heroes of legend probably doesn't happen overnight, we're just going to have to ease into the role. We're just picking up, this is the start."

"They didn't stand a chance Rob! There were so many Zombies, by the time we even got to them it was-

"I know! I know Joe, but we got em' all- even if we were a bit late."

"..."

"Anyways, that one soldier was nice enough. Told me where the main city was, said the Captain would have a mission for us- Things are looking up now! We've got our first Quest! A QUEST!"

"He was missing his intestines Rob! He barely managed to mutter a direction and point before he died!"

"Well, I'll admit, he was looking a lot more healthy the first time I poked my head through the portal than the second time when we drove through- but that's all the more reason to follow honor his words! Final wishes are important Joe: He put his trust in us."

"I... I guess so..."

"They are. Seriously Joe: if I have a final wish, you better honor the shit out of it- even if it's stupid."

"You're really saying something like that? Here? Now? That's like classic horror movie shit Rob! We're gonna get eaten by a swarm of undead like- immediately now!"

"Yeah, well I ain't afraid. And those kind of cliches can suck the truck-nuts I put on the trailer hitch: The Jeep ain't 'friad neither. I mean, seriously: What are a few zeds to a couple thousand pounds of Murica'?"

"Rob. There are dozens of them, just in sight. We've been driving for miles now. There might be hundreds, thousands even."

"Ha, and my sig has like... a whole god-damn backpack of 9mm magazines to deal with that kind of shit."

"Look, all I'm saying is we shouldn't go tempting fate-"

"HEY! Stop cradling that fucking Mossberg Joe- It's not a baby, it's a shotgun. It's there to look majestic and blow shit to pieces, don't tarnish that image by being such a turd."

"Rob, seriously- I think we're in over our heads."

"It's a Mother-Fucking Adventure Joe! Of course we are, that's the point! The adventure, the mystery, the surprise! I don't have a single god-damn clue what we're doing or where we're even going! Isn't that fantastic?"

"..."

"Isn't it?!"

"... I'm not inspired right now, Rob."

"Seriously, Joe. Tell me, when was the last time you left your comfort-zone?"

"Four years ago, when Susan moved in."

"Right. Exactly when you became lame as all-hell. You settled into mediocrity and never left it."

"I don't think I-"

"Petumias Joe. Peeeetuuuuuumiaaaaaas."

"For the last time, Rob! It's Petunias!"

"..."

"..."

"... Really?"

"... Yes."

"... Really though?"

"It's Petunias. You've been saying it wrong."

"..."

"..."

"That doesn't help your case one bit buddy."

"God-damn it Rob, I can't believe I let you talk me into this."

"Well that portal closed already, and I'm not turning the Jeep around- so there's no point in crying about it."

"We're in the middle of nowhere, on a dirt road, surrounded by creeper-trees, with dozens of zombies."

"Yeah, and?"

"This is when most normal people would be crying."

"Good thing we're not most normal people."

"You're insane."

"You're not wrong."

"I know I'm not. Hey slow down, look at that."

"Ah! Yeah, check it out Joe- The road's flooded. Must have rained recently, hell of'a lot too."

"Wow... shit... there's like a fuck-ton of water over there. Spilled right over from the river."

"It's not flowing though, looks pretty static. Reminds me of that back trail, over by the Cooper's farm."

"Yeah... I mean, sort of- hey, Rob- ROB! Are you seriously going out there?"

"Yup."

"Shut the door! Hold on a second!"

"Oh Helllllll-yeah buddy! It's time to rumble! I've some boards on the roof-rack, we can lay them down. Off-ROADIN' man!"

"Are you fucking serious? What about the zombies! There's dozens of them out there now!"

"Well... I mean... I'll deal with them. Backpack and 9mm: No big deal- Just bring the umbrella."

"What the hell is the umbrella supposed to do for us?!"

"Oh my goodness Joe, but what if it rains?"