Jason asked Behati to go out on a first date with him a month after they met.

That should have made me happy, but all that month just made me miserable because during that period I could see them fall in love firsthand.

They had several classes together and had lunch together and studied together in the library — it felt like they spent every minute of their time at school together. And if I had not been so unhappy, I would have found them adorable.

But I was unhappy. And the only thing that made my days tolerable was the knowledge that they did not spend as much time together outside of school.

“You could pretend it. Or at least try it,” Audrey suddenly said one day.

We were at school, lying under a tree waiting for our ride

“What do you mean?” I said innocently.

“You're walking around like someone kicked your cat, and you couldn't do anything about it,” Audrey said, looking at me like what she said made all the sense in the universe.

“Why would someone kick my cat? She is so sweet,” I said, smiling at her.

“You know what I mean.”

“No, I do not,” my smile faded.

Audrey sighed.

“Listen, Summer, I know you’re hurt. I know it. But you need to make a decision,” Audrey sat up and looked into my eyes. “Are you going to tell Jason how you feel about him, or are you going to let it go? You need to decide because you can't stay in the middle of nowhere feeling sorry for yourself.”

I widened my eyes in shock.

I let out a whistle.

“You did not have to be cruel,” I whispered.

“It wasn't cruel, it was the truth, Summer. I’m your friend, and as your friend, it’s my duty to tell you the truth,” she said like she was talking to a wounded animal. “You can't go on like this. It's not healthy, Summie.”

I wanted to disappear. I wanted to shrink and become so small that no one would ever see me again. I wanted to be so small that no one would ever ask me questions and say things that I did not want to hear.

I looked at Audrey and blinked my eyes.

“I do not want to lose him,” I whispered.

“But you also don't want to tell him the truth,” she whispered like me. “I’m sorry, Summer, but you don't have much time because he is falling in love,” she was silent for a while, as if she wanted me to get used to the idea. “Maybe if you tell him how you feel, he'll give you a chance. Maybe he won't give it to you. Anyway, you'll only know if you're honest with Jason. But if you choose to let him go — if you choose to let Jason go — you need to try to be kind to Behati.”

“I do not want to lose him,” I repeated it like a prayer.

“But you're already losing him,” Audrey said. “Because you’re walking away from him.”

I was avoiding him.

I did not want to be in the same place as him. Or alone with him.

I did not want him to ask me questions and worry about me when I was barely containing my own misery.

I did not

“I am losing him."