“It’s too far away. I won’t make it in time. I can’t make it.” He closed his eyes. “Work. Work. Please work.”

How long had he stayed there? How much time did he spend wishing for it to work? There was no way for him to tell, for anyone else to tell. It all happened in an instant and at the same time, what felt like an eternity.

They fell.

He ran.

When he got there…

The dream ended.

What day is it? How many days has it been since I woke up here? I think those were my most asked questions when I first opened my eyes.

“How much is it for this?”

“Five coppers.”

I didn’t know where I was or how I got here. It felt like I didn’t belong. In the middle of the forest, alone with only these white robes and a heart beating out of my chest, I woke. The sun shined unobscured by clouds, winds nonexistent, and the birds, who hadn’t fled for warmer skies, sang their morning tunes. I could imagine myself sitting there for hours on end, maybe days or even years, watching as life happened all around without so much as a single input from me, as it moved discarding those who couldn’t move with it. I could imagine that but my body couldn’t. Fear coursed through the fiber of my being. Terror lurking somewhere in my mind… or in the forest.

“Thank you, please come again. We’ll be selling a different type of bread for each day of the festival.”

“Ah, umu.” I nibble on my dinner. A girl, maybe around five years old, runs past with a doll in her hands and shows it to her mom.

“Look mommy! A nice man gave this to me.”

“Oh, that’s great honey! How about trying to win another one?”

The fear was paralyzing. It was like I had woken up from a nightmare so scarring my mind refused to recall it but my body, my body couldn’t couldn’t stop remembering. I looked around, maybe once at best, and the next thing I remember is a group of people staring down at me. I reached for something around my neck but it didn’t exist. They asked about a monster, if I had been attacked. They were my age and their eyes glowed with excitement.

I was taken to town while hammered with questions. I brushed off their inquiries, mostly because I couldn’t answer them. After a while they left to go back into the forest, hunting for monsters. I don’t know when the terror disappeared, I don’t think it did until I saw them, but I could think for the moment. I felt uncomfortable in the crowds of the town, their eyes drawn to my strangely colored hair, and as much as I wanted to hide, I had nothing. At the very least, I could control my thoughts and body.

My first meal in the city was a piece of stale, funny smelling, bread. It was all I could afford. I looked around and spoke, as best I could without stuttering, to people asking them questions pertaining to jobs and housing. In the end, I wound up at the Adventurers’ Guild. The receptionist, a young, pale, and pretty woman, patiently worked with me through the quest I took to her.

“Here,” she said. “Is the area where you’ll find the branches. It’s the least dangerous and closest request in town. The man who posts this up is too old now to go all the time. Once you leave the building, take the left street and keep going until you reach the gate.”

If it wasn’t for her, I would have been sleeping outside. I might not have remembered anything either…

I pull over the hood of the cloak after I finish eating and watch as the townsfolk enjoy the festival, laughing and playing. A group of children copy the movements of unsuspecting dancers who absentmindedly stop in the street, practicing before their performance. An older gentleman informs one of the dancers whose face turns red and retreats closer to his fellow performers.

If I remember correctly, there aren’t supposed to be any shows until Spirit Day. Just watching them, it makes me still wonder if I’m crazy. How can it be possible that all these kids, parents, dancers, people… are nothing more than a part of a dream?

“I see you doing this almost every day. Isn’t it hard carrying all those branches?” a boy from another party asks. His teammates chuckle behind him.

I stare at the ground, shaking my head no. It’s a bold-faced lie. My arms tremble when I pick up the branches and I’m out of breath by the time I deliver a single bundle. The old man seems happy enough about the amount I bring him, maybe grateful too. I’d rather not talk to strangers, especially the loud ones, when I can barely feel my arms. I can’t even look them in the eye.

“Oh, come on. I know it’s hard. We took on this request back when we were first starting out too. How about joining us on a different one? It pays a butt ton better than what carrying a bunch of sticks does. Doesn’t it sound nice? You might make a friend along the way.”

I shake my head no, again. I don’t want to be alone. I want to have someone to talk to, someone who sees me and, at the very least, says ‘hi.’ but I can’t bring myself to join any parties.

“I get that it’s a quick job, pays well enough for what it asks, but soon enough the old man will stop posting it up. He does this every year.”

I look at the branches scattered on the ground and the realization that my only source of income might stop any day now hits me. Still, I shake my head.

“All right. I’ll stop bothering ya. Just a bit disappointed that a fellow adventurer is wasting her time gathering dead tree arms instead of chasing that thrill, going after our namesake, adventure! I guarantee that you’ll have a bunch more fun taking down some monsters with us. Isn’t it every kids’ dream?”

“I-I… I need to finish t-this first…” This time, I didn’t shake my head.

“So you’ll join us after!?”

I nod.

He pumps a fist into the air, “Mmm! All right, let me and my friends help you with some of these.”

“I-It’s m-my job though…”

“It’s fine. It’s totally fine. We won’t be taking your money or nothin’. Just helping out a potential partner~”

“That's- That’s not what I meant…” but he doesn’t hear me. He calls over his friends, two other boys, and two girls, and they gather their own bundles. The old man is overjoyed when he sees all of the collected branches. Our eyes meet for half a second and he smiles, thanking us for the work.

“Now onto our quest,” the boy says. “I’m Patrick by the way. What’s your name?”

“E-Ellar.”

“So quiet,” the shorter girl says, scratching her head. “No need to be shy around us.”

I go further into the forest than ever since I first awoke. Patrick points in a direction toward a monster. It feasts on its catch too busy to notice us sneak up on it. The party members slam the monster with arrows and magic before Patrick charges in, impaling it with a spear. The battle goes so well I stand in the back, unsure of what I can do to contribute. Then, the spear snaps.

The boar-like beast goes into a frenzy lashing out at anyone close to it. Patrick gets grazed by its massive tusks and instantly jumps away. With no one surrounding it anymore, the monster picks a direction and charges.

It charges at me.

“ar… Ellar… Ellar!”

I slap his hand away from me. “Haa… Haaa… Haaaa… D-don’t touch me! I-I need to go b-back… to the town…” I stumble away from the monster and from Patrick. They grab me by my arms and as much as I kick and scream they don’t let go.

“It’s okay!” one of his teammates shouts. “You killed it. See?”

I shake my head. “No no no no. We- I have to- I can’t be out here… Please, you have to let go of me or take me back. I need to go back. It’s here. I can feel it here. Don’t you? I can’t see it but I know it’s here. You have to let me go, please!”

They let go of me, startled at my mad ravings. I claw at the snow trying to get back on my feet. A shadow casts over me and I almost impale the owner with ice. Patrick shakes me to my senses, “There’s nothing around here. Besides, you’re not alone, okay? Nothing will hurt you, we’re all here. I’m sorry we made you take on a quest you weren’t comfortable with. We don’t want you thinking about something that troubled you in the past. We’ll take you back. Just calm down for us.”

I take a couple of ragged breaths and lean on Patrick as his party members place themselves like barriers between me and the rest of the forest. It doesn’t take long to make it back to town. I’ve never been happier to see its worn wooden walls and to walk among hundreds of other people.

The sun sets too soon.

I choose another night at the guild, cramped rooms, a bit smelly too, but filled with people. It doesn’t even matter what kind of person they are as long as I’m not alone. How could I have ever wanted to leave this place?

The money from killing the monster is enough for me to stay holed up in the guild provided rooms for five days, leaving only to buy more of that cheap crusty bread, the only source of food that won’t tap into my lodging money. It gets harder to leave the room every minute. The thought of not knowing what’s beyond that door when I open it is paralyzing. At night, I can barely sleep. I keep having a dream where I’m on my knees holding someone or something and I’m covered in red. Such a deep red. My hands feel slimy holding onto whatever it is, and I, I can’t do anything to stop its pain, its screaming. My screaming. And I always wake with tears at the edge of my eyes.

Patrick and his party members visit me on the third day and ask if I want to go on another quest. The nightmares creep into the forefront of my thoughts and I end up wrapping myself up in a musty blanket after sending them away.

I curse myself the next day as my stomach rumbles. I need to stock up. I venture out for food and on my way back, I stop in front of the reception desk with an odd question.

“Ummm…”

“Yes?” the receptionist says.

“A-Are there… Are there any books h-here? O-or a library near?”

I grab three books and plow through the first two by night. I don’t know what I was hoping to do with them but the day’s already gone by. When I fall asleep, the nightmare doesn’t come.

I manage to stay at the guild another day thanks to a deal with the receptionist. I’ll get three days of free lodging, accompanied by meals, so long as I take on a fairly simple but large-scale gathering quest tonight. The plants are hard to see during the daytime and die rather early after they bloom under the snow, but they emit a faint glow at night. I spend the day in my room and force my legs to carry me outside to meet with other adventurers when it’s time.

To my surprise, the group going to gather the winter plants is larger than I imagined. There are four parties, one is Patrick’s. They stand waiting at the gate as a guard looks over the request.

I hope this doesn’t take long. An hour at most, please. That’s all I can handle. Any more than that and I might run straight back. I’ll have to sleep in the streets if the quest isn’t completed.

I hang around the edge of the parties until the feeling of being watched from places I can’t see grab ahold of me. I shuffle deeper into the pack and Patrick’s party finally spots me. He, and the others, quickly pull me to join them.

I feel my face heat up.

“We’re glad you came,” the taller girl says. “I felt- We all felt really bad about letting that monster get through. It should never have happened, especially not when we were taking a guest along. We’ve tightened up our formation since then. Hopefully, we can prove ourselves with this next quest if anything happens.” she ends it with a friendly smile.

As much as I want to return it, I simply nod.

They’re so nice. They even gave me all the money for killing the monster. Even though she’s trying to reassure me, all I can think about is how much I don’t want to be here. There’s twenty of us but…

I want to go back.

I’m such a coward.

It’s only thanks to the other fear of being thrown out into the streets that keeps me in line. That and all the bodies blocking me from sprinting away.

“It’s surprisingly bright tonight,” one of the boys comments.

I look up and stare in amazement. Even with the moon near full, the stars peak out, dotting the night sky in little lights. Roluks believe that the stars are manifestations of the spirits meant to guide travelers and soothe the lonely while the moon is the water goddess, pulling the tides of the sea and revealing our true selves when we stare at our reflection in the water.

I cling to the old stories and the faint light.

Before long we’re at the given area, a small unfrozen lake around thirty minutes from town. It looks like other parties have also taken on the task. They rummage through the packed and undisturbed snow at the smallest sense of light from underneath.

“How many people do they have on this job?” the taller girl asks no one in particular. She tries counting the number of people on her hands, using both three times over.

“Receptionist lady said something about shifts so I guess that’s why we had to wait at the gate. Now it’s our turn to start looking. Wonder how many they picked out before we got here,” Patrick says. He talks with someone who was here before us. I can’t see him behind Patrick and some of the others. Even if they weren’t there, I’m not exactly curious enough to look. The sooner this is done, the sooner I get out of the forest.

However, my ears perk up at the stranger’s voice.

“Glad to have more help. They said the light the plants give off can be seen through the snow but I’ll say, it’s a lot harder than we thought it would be. We’ve found around thirty-five so far. The request didn’t specify an amount, just said to bring back as many as possible.”

“Oh,” Patrick says, looking around. “Are you planning to stay? Some of the other parties are leaving.”

“Yeah, we want to collect a bit more before we call it a day.”

What’s this feeling? Excitement? Hope? Even as we start looking, I catch myself sneaking glances at him and his party. I can’t see them clearly, they’re too far away but I can hear them sometimes. They’re lively, unexpectedly so. It’s dark, cold, and a bit scary but they’re here laughing and digging through snow.

Patrick and his party members aren’t much different, they’re actually a group I can see myself with, a bit quieter, maybe a bit tense as well, however, they still have fun. The two girls seem more than happy to adopt me as a member. Lynn, the taller girl, hangs near me in case I have another panic attack or I need someone to turn to.

They’re too nice.

What if I told them right now, that I don’t feel like something’s watching me anymore? Would they think I’m lying or would they leave me alone?

Why am I thinking about that? They’re good people. They’d still watch me closely.

It happens without me noticing. I brush against another girl. “S-Sorry!” I say, trying to hide my face.

“I wasn’t watching where I was going either,” she replies timidly, shuffling away. She merges into the party of the stranger whose voice caught my attention. I imagine her face, imagine her words replay over and over in my head. Nothing, not a hint of familiarity.

Maybe the only one I know is him…

In no time, there are only ten minutes left before another fresh bunch takes over. The stranger whose voice I felt like I knew, retired with his team a while ago. Maybe, just maybe, we’ll see them on the way back into town, or maybe I’ll run into them at the guild. If I talk to him, will he feel the same about me? What if he knows how I woke up alone here… I’m wishing for too much.

“My hands are freezing,” Lynn complains as she sticks her hands under her arms. I glance at my own, and can hardly move them despite being protected by gloves. “Hopefully the innkeeper decided to keep the fireplace nice and warm today. I can’t wait to gather around that thing while drinking something hot.”

Patrick shudders, “Agreed. It wasn’t this cold two hours ago. Man, I wish I had a scarf or something.”

A campfire catches our attention on the way back. There they are. Sitting, talking, laughing. Before I know it, I’m wandering closer to their camp. “Ellar?” Patrick calls out. “Are you coming back with us?”

“A-Ah! I-I’ll be right back.” I answer, unsure of how things will turn out. If he somehow knew me, would I go back with them?

The distance from the road to their camp isn’t far but it feels longer than from the town to the lake. Their camp radiates with life, something I’m not sure how to handle yet, I’m drawn to it. The air pulsates, and weighs down on me, each step harder to take, each breath shorter and shallower than the last. Excitement? Or is it the fear of having my hopes dashed?

Two of the girls leave and come straight toward me.

Hello. I was wondering if that guy over there. No no no. That’s not natural. Hi! I was wondering if he knows me… No, not that either. How about asking to meet him? That’s creepy. Why would I want to go meet him? Maybe I should just go in there and…

“Oh, hey there,” says one of the girls.

I look up with a start and freeze. We lock eyes.

“Hello?” the other girl says, “Is anyone home?”

“Huh?” the trance breaks for a split second only to for me to be ensnared again. These girls… They’re so familiar. I know them. I must know them. I have to know them. We’ve met before, somewhere, and we’ve talked.

The taller girl hits the other one on the arm. “Don’t be so rude,” she scolds. “Did you need something from us?”

I struggle to find the right words to convey my question, my emotions. “W-Who are you?” I blurt out. My face burns in embarrassment as they reel back and exchange glances.

“I’m Iris,” the taller one says.

“And I’m Ellis.”

“Um… hello?” Iris waves her hand in front of my face.

I snap to my senses, “I-I, I’m Ellar. D-Do you remember me?” My heart races as I ask the question. Iris. Ellis. Those names. I know those names. Where? Where do I know those names? Where and how do I know these two?

“Remember you?” Ellis frowns examining my face further. “Oh! You’re one of the girls who helped gather the plants. You were with that Pat guy.”

“Patrick,” Iris corrects.

“Right. Patrick.”

My heart drops for a moment but, whether it’s from sheer stupidity or the scream echoing throughout my body, I reach for that faint connection. “N-No! I-I meant to ask if we know each other. If we met somewhere else.” A memory surfaces, pushing its way to the front of my mind. It’s all I can see, the two of them, Iris and Ellis, handing me something. A gift. I speak louder, “I-It’s me. I’m Ellar. You gave me something… Something. In a city! We were in a city and you two gave me something, a present I think.”

Iris’s stare bores a hole in my heart. She shakes her head, “I’m sorry. I don’t recall ever meeting you before, Ellar. I don’t know too many roluks so I think I would remember if we met. They’re fairly rare in the cities.”

“I’m pretty sure I’d remember you for the same reasons as Iris said.”

I can only manage a weak, “Oh…” as tears pool around my eyes and my lips quiver. A nagging uncomfortableness attaches itself to my lower back. It makes want to turn and run until I can’t see them, until they can’t see me anymore but my legs are too stiff, I’m frozen in place. I feel naked.

This can’t be true. We have to have met before. If we haven’t, why do I feel this way?

“We have to go,” Iris says softly. “I’m sure you’ll find those girls you mentioned. Maybe we’ll see each other again.”

They turn around walking further into the camp where they talk and laugh. No matter how hard I try, no matter how much I want to walk in there with them, talk to them again, I can’t. I’m too scared. Unconsciously, I reach for something around my neck, only to find nothing there. The memory’s faint warmth only makes it harder for me.

“Ellar?” Patrick calls. “Did they say something to you?”

“Huh?” I feel the wetness on my cheeks, “O-Oh, this? I-It’s nothing. I-I was just thinking about something… I wanna go back to town. I’m tired…”

Each step away from their camp fills me with fear and dread. I didn’t even remember how scary this forest was when I was with them. I gaze back to check if they’re still there and when I finally can’t see them anymore, I’m overcome with a sense of loneliness. Patrick and his friends are around me, they’re friendly, more than kind, but it doesn’t feel the same. Something’s missing.

“Hey,” they call out once more when we finish collecting our rewards, “Do you want to maybe stay with us for tonight, at least? Everything’s on us.”

I can’t have you do that for me. It’s okay, I get to stay at the guild for free. I don’t want to bother you. I could put them down gently in any manner of ways, “I want to be alone.” I say. It’s not what I wanted to say, but it’s what came out.

It’s not true. Not true at all. I don’t want to be alone, I want to be with them, with Iris and Ellis. And I hate it.

“That’s okay. See you again sometime.”

I bite my tongue.

I see it on their faces. They’re hurt. What I said hurt them and I didn’t mean it. I need time to think. I don’t want to be alone, but I have to be so I can think. So I can deal with all these feelings and… that stupid memory.

I lock myself in the room, balled up in a sheet on the bed, thinking. A candle on the wall illuminates the three books stacked next to me, a piece of cloth sticks out of the top one. I haven’t finished it yet. While the cover isn’t as eye-catching as the other two, the spine is worn making it easy to keep open. Its pages aren’t as crisp, some a bit loose in the binding, but it makes me appreciate it more when I turn its pages and when I run my fingers across the words. I wonder how many times it’s been read.

The story tells of a young man forced from his home and taken captive by slave traders. He’s bought by a kind family but those he knows aren't as lucky. On his first day of work, he’s told he can earn his freedom so he does, after five years. However, instead of leaving, he asks to be hired. He works hard, harder than what’s asked of him. He toils in the fields, he saws down tree after tree, he forgoes meals and sleep so his work is done sooner, in hopes of saving enough money to find his family. Even when surrounded by others who bought their freedom and made their own families, he still searches, wishes, for his old one back.

…

The thought to finish the book under candlelight strikes me. I love books, even ones as sad as this. But I can’t bring myself to read it, just like I couldn’t bring myself to walk into that camp. I can’t read the book because I can’t stop thinking, and I couldn’t walk into the camp because… because… I don’t know.

More memories surface. They feel so real.

Why didn’t they remember me? These memories are of me and them, right? They’re always there, next to me, smiling, laughing, talking… My hair, they used to braid my hair too. Am I crazy? I have to be. Neither of them knew me, and it didn’t seem like they were lying in the slightest.

I watch the flame flicker and struggle against the dark.

The only memory I have is of waking up in the forest and the first thing I did was run. Run like something was chasing me. And, today, I was there for hours and nothing happened. Nothing came to kill me, to take me away, to harm me.

I’m the problem. That’s the only explanation.

I lose myself in thought for what seems like forever, maybe two hours judging by the candle. Afraid I’ll still be awake in the dark, I try to sleep. When I close my eyes, I still can’t stop thinking. They completely overwhelm me. The wishes, the confusion, the worries… I develop a rhythm of opening my eyes for a moment then closing them, opening them and closing them longer until they grow heavy.

Right as I feel myself slip deeper into my dreams, I wake with a start. The room suddenly becomes something to fear. The shadows moving, shifting, hiding some monster in them. I push away from the door into the corner of the bed, my back pressed against the cold wall.

I hear a voice, a demonic whisper I can’t place. It’s next to me and also far away, it’s in the furthest corner of the room and right above me. My hands are covered in red. It’s the worst scare I’ve had since I first woke. It’s worse than the terrors that came night after night.

For the longest while, I stare into the dark, my mind falling deeper into a madness I can’t hope to crawl out of. My body aches from the uncomfortable curled position. I slowly relax until the tip of my toe touches something. I pull back into the safety of the blanket and peek out.

It’s the books.

As if calling out to me, I reach for it. The light isn’t great, worse than the other nights, but I read anyways. The further in I read, the more the fear fades until… I fall asleep.