*Hic* Tears are running down my cheeks. *Hic* It’s been so long since I cried last time, since I felt weak and helpless. Calm down. Crying and wailing will not get you anywhere. Just calm down. What would your daughter think if she saw you like this?

I stand in front of the large black cocoon that’s hanging upside down from the ceiling of the hut. So much for my mask of optimism and confidence I always put on in front of Lavenna. I can’t do anything about it. All I can do is wait and hope that she will overcome this challenge.

“*Hic* I-I’m s-sorwwyyy! Ahhhh!”

How stupid. It’s not like she will hear me from the cocoon. Still, I can’t help but think: I’m sorry, I lied to you. I just didn’t want to scare you. I lied to you so many times, I’m unfit to be your mother.

The truth is, after activating the bloodline, every Temerian has to face the darkness that resides within them. All the rage and hatred, all the despair and pain they have inside. They will either overcome that darkness, or get swallowed in it, losing themselves and becoming nothing more than a horrible monster. That’s why I pushed so much for Lavenna to awaken at such a young age. Children have better chances of pulling through this, though it’s still a challenge most can’t overcome.

I said that Lavenna is the first Temerian to be born within the last two thousand years, but it was a lie. In truth, there were ten more children born within that period of time, but none could overcome their inner demons. And before the person who could do that two thousand years ago, there were twenty-three who failed. Our people have unimaginable powers and naturally, a ferocious monster with such power can’t be let loose on the world. So they had to be disposed of. It’s our instinct to treasure our young, so it’s understandable that the parents of those children couldn’t bear to have their children killed. That’s why they either chose to leave the world with their children or take revenge on the world. Before I had Lavenna, I secretly thought that if I ever had a child I would do my best not to get attached to it, I would distance myself from it as far as I could and never regret the outcome of their awakening.

At that time I was overseeing a kingdom In the west of the Heracpix continent called Terb. I had lived there for the last three centuries, pretending to be a Duchess, using different names and taking on different appearances. It was a fun time, I got to see many interesting things, saw the country develop, all the while being the ruling hand in the shadows.

Then one day I was visiting the king and came across a young man in the palace, he turned out to be the eighth prince, Chiort Friz Terb. I always found it kind of funny how many offsprings humans can have. Though it’s understandable with their very short lives. Anyway, I met Chiort. He had no hope for becoming the successor to the throne, so he was often neglected and treated with only the bare minimum of hospitality that a prince should receive. I think he was quite pitiful. When I met him, I felt a very strange feeling of attraction towards him. No, don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t love, the attraction was purely physical. It was new to me, it was also very interesting, he was like a new toy I wanted to get. Considering my position, getting that toy was very simple, I think the royal family was even slightly happy to get rid of him.

Humans are so simple. I never loved Chiort, though I think he was very infatuated with me. Was it because I was the first person ever in his life to show any kind of interest in him? Was because I look good by human standards? It doesn’t matter. I think when he realized that I didn’t love him his heart broke. He even poisoned himself. I wouldn’t mind taking responsibility for the poor thing for life, as his life would be very short anyway, but I guess he made his choice. In the end it was beneficial to me, if Lavenna was born and had a human father to get attached to, it would be a disaster. It’s never good for immortals to get attached to mortals. Not that I knew I was pregnant, I didn’t even know a Temerian and a human could have a child together.

When I found out I had a life in my womb, I wanted to reap that life right there and then, before it was too late. But I couldn’t. No matter how much I steeled myself, I couldn’t take the life that hasn’t done anything wrong, I knew, it deserved to live. During my pregnancy I was thinking of leaving her behind, I tried hating her, but I couldn’t find the hatred in me. Using foresight magic I found out that it was going to be a girl and I found myself wishing for her to look like me, I found myself spending countless nights thinking about an appropriate name for her, I even began to think of the possible designs for her future room and the plans for her education. I tried suppressing those thoughts but they came anyway. All of my friends and relatives amongst our race distanced themselves from me, it’s understandable and I don’t blame them. I would’ve done the same thing. It’s better than to get attached to the newborn and then see it turn into a monster and die.

I tried suppressing the love I had for the child, but that love came out the moment Lavenna was born. It wasn’t something I could control, the moment I saw the tiny face of that baby I knew that nothing else mattered to me but that baby. I promised myself that I would live for the sake of that child. I didn’t mind dying for her either. And it didn’t matter how short her life would be, I would let her experience a very happy and fulfilled life. For some time, I forgot about the baby’s inevitable fate and we lived a very happy life.

Lavenna turned out to be a very talented child, even by our standards, there were even times she even broke common sense, unknowingly. Not only that, somehow, she was able to completely capture the hearts of all the servants in our manor. Though at first, she scared them all with the overbearing pressure her body emitted by instinct.

She was doing so well that I even had a hope that she would be able to overcome the darkness within. She was like an angel, a being of light to me, so I couldn’t imagine her having too much darkness inside.

And that’s why I wanted her to overcome that trial early, before the mundane world stained her heart.

Of course, I was nervous and afraid. I almost decided not to do it. I wracked my brains around that issue and decided that I should believe in her. The longer it would take for her to awaken her bloodline, the worse her chances to survive would be. Though I didn’t have the heart to tell her everything.

Then it turned out she had excellent aptitude for cultivating. For our race, in order to awaken our bloodline, we needed large amounts of lifeforce. Usually, we have to use live sacrifices or we would have to absorb all the lifeforce in the surroundings the moment our unawakened bodies were close to death. Our bodies are not fit to take the qi from the surroundings in any other way. And if Lavenna had to go the first way, her conscience would suffer a blow and her chances at living would fall. And the second choice is not something I would be able to approve of. Ever. Waiting for her time to come would be also useless, as she would’ve experienced the harshness of the world by then and she would likely be taken over by the darkness.

So, when it turned out that she not only could cultivate but was a genius at that too, I could only praise fate and whatever gods decided to give us such a blessing. So all was left for her to do was to accumulate enough lifeforce and we would go through the trial.

Some time passed and she was able to gain enough of qi. We went to the ritual site our people used for awakening. For some reason I told her that it was a place I used to rest at, maybe it was because she seemed to like the view a lot and I wanted her to think it was ours? We had a bit of fun and I tried to forget about the pressing things and just have a good time with my daughter. It was unexpected that she would be so bad at cooking, I caught myself thinking that I would always have to be there for her to provide her with good meals in the future. And then those thoughts reminded me that it’s likely that there wouldn’t be a future for her. I was getting cold feet but I still chose to believe, it was better not to think about those things.

Then she fell asleep in my arms. I tried my best to remember how she felt in my embrace and I couldn’t help but imagine a future where I wouldn’t get to hug her again. I understood that it’s likely that I would choose to go with her if she failed. I spent the rest of the night trying to remember her, so I stood over her and burned her image in my eyes.

Then the next day came. I was getting really afraid, thoughts of stopping were beginning to get more frequent, so before I lost the will to proceed I woke Lavenna and we rushed out to start.

The ritual went well. Maybe it was because she had too much qi, there was a small explosion, but in the end, it ended well. Now it was the last step. She had to fall asleep and let her body go through the metamorphosis. During that time she had to overcome the darkness. It seems it’s very painful to remember as most of our race choose to erase the memory of the trial. I did so too, which I deeply regretted as I didn’t know what she had to expect.

Lavenna went to sleep. Slowly, a black cocoon began to form around her. There was no way back, there was no way to stop it now. I felt so powerless then. Why does Lavenna have to die if she succumbed to darkness? Is it because the world can’t accept her? Is it because she is dangerous? Such a world doesn’t deserve to exist! – such thoughts began to form in my head. I began to fall into despair.

Since then three days went past. I ruined the hut in worry. I set up many barriers around the ritual site so that the people who will come will not be able to get close. And I began to wait for Lavenna to come out. It didn’t matter which Lavenna it would be: I would be her mother nonetheless.