Disgusted, I went back and flopped down in my chair. Alone and in the quiet, I tried to sort out my feelings and frustrations, and how I wanted to proceed. Nothing was simple anymore. There wasn’t anyone left to tell us what was right and what was wrong. I didn’t even have my mother to help guide me anymore. There were no laws. No rules. No right and no wrong. All of those things had existed before The Crackening as a means of man to live at peace with our fellow man.

And there wasn’t even any “man” left anymore. Isabella had left her humanity behind and became a Ka’Lani. I had surpassed the limits of humanity, and so had Brandr; we were both now iHumans and not just plain old humans. The ways and rules that we’d followed in the past wouldn’t work anymore, and I was foolish to have believed for so long that they would. Find a girl to be my ‘first’? That was naivety, and maybe just plain stupidity talking. Or just me simply trying to deny how much things had truly collapsed.

There were no ‘girls’ left out there. Isabella wasn’t technically a girl; she was a female demon. If we found one of those goblin females, could I classify it as a ‘girl’? I don’t think so. It’d just be a female goblin. No matter how I bent her over, or how I used her for my pleasure, she could never be my first ‘girl’ simply because she was no longer one. And honestly, neither was Brandr. She may have been a human before I raised her dexterity on up, but she wasn’t anymore. And honestly, I don’t think she could be considered human either, even before that. She’d trained herself to be a blade, and not a ‘girl’ long before The Crackening ever occurred.

We were no longer man, and it was foolish to cling to the old rules of man. If we left here and a car runs, would I refuse to drive it since I didn’t have a license? Would I refuse to break into a shop and steal supplies simply because they weren’t mine and the law of man said it was wrong? Would I worry about trespassing, property rights, jaywalking, or any of that other stuff that used to be wrong to do?

No, I wouldn’t. Those things didn’t apply to us, or to this world any more. We were in unchartered waters. What had always been right and wrong, black and white, was now just a broken mass of disorder. I kept trying to live up to the standards mother had always set me, and I was always disappointed in myself. It honestly was an impossible feat. I couldn’t be the man my mother had always wanted me to become, simply because I was no longer a man.

Men lived before The Crackening. They died out. An extinct race, gone like the dinosaurs. Men couldn’t die and come back to life like I did. The man that was me, was killed that first day by the minotaur on the roof. Hell, the ‘man’ that was me was probably even killed before that. When The Crack first appeared, humanity died. It’s just no one had realized it yet.

The old rules and the old ways were gone. They were obsolete laws of a destroyed people. The way things have been since then has been a case of simply, “Do whatever you want. Who’s to tell you you’re wrong? Exist until you die!”

And I was beginning to embrace the new way, more and more each day. We all were. And honestly, I was growing sick of it!

Slowly, I got up and picked up my spike and walked over to the goblin I’d just unleashed my frustration on. Gently, I bent down and stroked its… No, I’d always referred to the goblin as an ‘it’, perhaps as a means to dehumanize the creature, but not this time. Gently, I stroked his face while he laid there unconscious and battered.

And then I slammed my spike into the center of its skull with all the force I could muster, and I left it there and then went back to slowly sit down in my chair.

Slowly, I took a few breaths to try and sort out my mind, and then I yelled out, “Hey! Girls! Get your asses out here and have a seat! I’ve got something to say!”

Both of them came into the room, but only Isabella had a noticeably puzzled expression on her face. Brandr was still as strangely dispassioned as ever. Seeing Isabella’s look, I just point to the couch. “Sit. And shut it.” Then thinking about it, I added, “And that includes party chat and finger talk too. I have something to say, and you’re both going to hear me out.”

Looking puzzled, Isabella came over and sat on the couch opposite me and took her ‘I’m listening’ cross-legged position as usual. Seeing how she was sitting, Brandr moved beside her and took the same pose. Normally, I’d be distracted, but I hardly even noticed. I was lost in sorting out my own thoughts, figuring out exactly what I wanted to say, and how I wanted to say it.

The two of them just sat there and waited on me, and finally I started. “Lunchmeat’s dead,” I told them. Isabella’s eyes grew a little wide and she glanced over her shoulder and then finally looked back to me.

“I’m tired of the monsters,” I told them. “I’m tired of fighting them. I’m tired of killing them. I’m tired of dying to them. But do you know what I’m most tired of?” I didn’t bother to give either of them a chance to answer. “I’m tired of becoming them!

“For a while now, we’ve been becoming more and more monster, and less and less…” I frowned trying to think of what word to use. ‘Human’ or ‘people’ didn’t apply as those things were destroyed by The Crackening.“We’ve been becoming less and less decent,” I finished.

“We’ve been staring at the monsters; we’ve been fighting the monsters; and through it all, we’ve been becoming monsters!” I took a moment so they could absorb what I was trying to say.

“Isabella,” I asked, “one month ago, what would you have thought of someone keeping a wild beast – even something dangerous and nasty like a coyote – tied up in chains all the time? How about if they beat it? Ripped out its claws? It’s teeth? Forced it to eat its own kind.” I stared into her eyes without blinking, and I could tell she was starting to squirm somewhat uncomfortably, “And then, as if that wasn’t enough, what would you have thought about the people who had it, if they hooked it up to electric cables and shocked it over relentlessly until it passed out over and over. And on top of all that, it was expected to be a pack animal as well!

“Just a few weeks ago, we would have been outraged and called those people monsters.” I let my voice trail off for a few moments.

“We’ve became those monsters.”

Slowly, I hung my head and rubbed my temples with my hands. “I don’t like what we’ve became,” I told them. “And I don’t like to think of what we might be becoming, either.”

“We’ve got to do better,” I told them, almost at a whisper. “And I’ll be damned if I know how. All I know is we have to.” I could feel tears slowly running down my cheeks. Real men didn’t cry, but that was OK. After all, I’m not really a man, now am I? I don’t know what I am anymore, but I honestly don’t think I like it.

Slowly, Isabella got up and eased over from the couch and gently slid herself into my lap and hugged me, and I slowly returned it. “I thought I’d told you to sit over there and shut up?” I asked confused.

“You did,” she nodded her head against my cheek, “but I don’t care. I wanted to be with you. I can do without experience if I need to, until you punish me later. I’ll pay whatever the penance is.” Slowly she nestled herself back in my arms, and I finally lay back in the chair and just held her.

The sun was starting to set before Isabella finally broke the silence. “Drake, I’m sorry.”

“For what?” I asked.

“For everything really. You’re right, we have been changing, and I don’t think I like what we’re becoming either.” Her voice was soft and weak against my neck. “But what can we do? You’ve seen what these monsters will do to us if they catch us. They want to kill us, eat us, or worse. We have to protect ourselves.”

Slowly, I nodded. “We do. But we can’t protect ourselves from monsters by becoming monsters. We have to do better. What we did to that little guy over there,” I pointed to Lunchmeat’s corpse, “that’s on us. We captured him. We tortured him. We tormented him. That’s on us,” I repeated.

“I’m sorry,” came Isabella’s light reply.

“And you Brandr, you’re just as bad as us.” I pointed a finger at her and was shocked to see that she was still sitting in the same position, as she had been earlier. I’m not even certain if she’d moved. “You were trying to become a sword, to honor your father? He must be rolling over in his grave in shame then. What sword kills people, by itself?

“No matter how much you might tell yourself you were simply a weapon, that’s not true. A sword doesn’t cut unless it’s wielded by someone. You were the one who was wielding the blade, and you were the one who was killing others. Other monsters at first, but then people as well. I was never truly going to hurt you. I just needed to try to reach you, to try and get you to listen and understand.

“You’re not a blade now. You’ve never been a blade. You’ve always been the person behind the blade. And that person has become just as much of a monster as the rest of us – maybe more so! You hid behind that blade; behind your father’s skills he taught you; but did he ever tell you to kill those who wanted to reach out and be your friends? Your companions? We wanted to make certain you were healthy. Alive. We wanted to ask you to join our party. And, what did you do with your blade?

“You killed me.” I answered my own question quite calmly. “And then, for whatever reason, you gave me first your sword, and then yourself. And I don’t know why, but I do know – I don’t want a blade that simply kills. A true weapon should protect. Defend. Keep people safe.

“Like it or not, you’re slave-sworn to me now. That means you’re stuck being mine, and you’re expected to listen to me. Your father might have failed in teaching you what he expected, but that’s because he died and couldn’t continue his teaching. I’m certain he never intended for you to be like this, and I don’t intend for you to stay like you are either. You’re going to change.

“We’re going to change.” Slowly I lifted Isabella’s chin up and kissed her slightly on the lips. Weakly, she smiled back at me.

“I’m not certain how we’re going to do better, but we are.” Ruefully, I shook my head. “And we’re all going to do it together.”

“This crap of, ‘Oh Drake, you sort it all out yourself’, that’s got to stop. I can’t sort it all out myself. I don’t even know what everything means. It’s like my ‘heal faster’ skill. I never would’ve even known what the hell it was, without you being there to help explain it to me Isabella! And now, when someone else’s fate is in my hands, you just abandon me, leave me all alone, and tell me to sort it out myself!”

Isabella’s eyes grew wide, and she trembled beside me. “I’m sorry.” Her voice was trembling and she sniffled lightly. “I’d never do something like that. At least, I’d never mean too.”

Even with her as close to me as she was, I could barely hear her. “You know,” she began,”I used to travel the world and go everywhere with my father. I was his little princess, and we saw the wonders of the world. That is, until they finished building the school here, and then he just dropped me off and abandoned me. That… that hurt me in ways I could never explain, but I managed to cope. At least, I did until that day when I panicked and locked myself in here all alone.

“I think it’s the first time in my life I’d ever really been alone, and I never want to experience anything like that ever again. Do you want to know the truth behind why I don’t even shut the bathroom door anymore? It’s not because I promised I wouldn’t lock you out. It’s because I don’t want to be in there alone. It’s foolish, I know, but it’s the honest truth. I’d rather sit and let a guy watch me tinkle, than I’d want to be alone.”

“You know, I can’t really see you when you tinkle.” I just had to point it out. The toilet was inside the room and the only way I could watch would be if I went and stood at the door or something.

“I know that,” she assured me. “But somehow just shutting that door… It somehow just feels so final. It somehow feels like there’s that wall back once more, and then I’m alone. It’s silly, I know, but it’s just the way it feels.”

“The point is,” she continued, “I never meant to make you feel alone or abandoned. I was just jealous.” Once again, her voice was so quiet I could barely hear the last part.

“Jealous?” I was confused. “That I got Brandr as mine? Did you want her? There might be some way for me to give her to you, if that’s all it was.” Bloody hell, in fact that’d be a relief in some ways, if I could do it!

Isabella just shook her against me. “That’s not it. I wasn’t jealous you got her. I didn’t want her. I was just jealous of her!” Isabella was silent for several moments before she finished. “I was jealous that you might end up taking her over me, and then I’d be the one left on the outside and all alone again. I’m sorry.”

Isabella clung to me. I clung back to her. And Brandr strangely enough had her head hung low and I saw tears slowly dripping towards the ground from her.

Shaking my head slightly, I finally called out to her. “Brandr, get over here.”

Lightly I pushed Isabella over more onto my left leg, and I patted my right for Brandr. Silently she got up and came over and then leaned on me as well. Gently, I wrapped my arms around both of them and we all took comfort in each other’s embrace. I didn’t know how we were going to go from here, but from now on we were going to have to go forward together – all of us.

And all of us were going to have to watch out for the rest of us: not only protect each other from the monsters, but also protect each of us from becoming the monsters.

Alone, I was lost and worthless. I couldn’t figure out where to go or what to do all by myself. Luckily, I wasn’t alone anymore. I had someone – two someones – here with me to help me figure out what to do now.

Well maybe not now. Now, I was tired and exhausted, and the sun had already set. Tomorrow would be a good enough place to decide where to pick up the pieces and begin again.

For tonight; for tonight, this was a good place to stop and just be in.

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