《The Legend of the Fake Hero》Vol 9: Chapter 6 - The Red Dragon Trading Company

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Currently, Martel was partaking in an enjoyable dream. At this point, because he only required four hours of sleep, he would usually be awake. However, he would let himself indulge as it would help renew his spirit, especially if he had a good dream. The dream that Martel was experiencing wasn’t anything too complicated. He lay in a field of flowers, relaxing as their scent pleasantly tickled his nose.

Eventually, the rays of sunlight began to peek through the carriage cover, which caused Martel to stir. He opened his eyes only to become face-to-face with Laelynn, who had also begun to stir because of his movement. He was momentarily surprised, but could only blame his situation to his Cursed existence as he continued to smell the calming scent of flowers.

Laelynn’s eyes fully opened, and she cutely blinked a couple of times before she registered Martel’s face, and a beautiful smile appeared on hers. “Good morning, Master.” She chirped as she clung to him, a little too intimately for his sanity as his arm sandwiched in her bosom.

“Good morning, Laelynn. Would you mind…”

It took a second, but Laelynn realized what he meant. “I’m sorry, master. You wouldn’t want me to touch you with my ugly body.” She said as she seemed as though she burst into tears at any moment and hid her chest.

Her abnormal reaction immediately sent warning signs to Martel. “What is this nonsense about you being ugly?”

“But… But everyone said I’m ugly, and I have the body of a dark elf.”

Martel could help but inwardly sigh. Given her Curse, not many would have any reason to praise her, but every reason to insult her. “Laelynn, they’re all wrong. You are one of the most beautiful women I’ve ever met.” Martel told her sincerely.

“Really?” Laelynn asked with a sniffle.

Martel gently stroked her cheek. “Of course. Even if you did look like a dark elf, there’s nothing wrong with that. Trust me.”

Laelynn gave him a look like she wanted to believe, but didn’t.

“Even if you were ugly, I wouldn’t care. Don’t you remember how I found you? I had no idea if I’d be able to restore your body, but that didn’t matter. I knew that I wanted you; that you would be useful to me. That’s because, as soon as I met you, I knew you had something even more precious than a beautiful body, a beautiful heart. You are someone I want in my life for as long as I live. Laelynn, the reason why I wanted to separate from you is not that you’re ugly, but because you’re so beautiful, I can’t promise that I’ll remain sane.”

“*wuwu* Master, Laelynn wants to be with you forever too,” Laelynn said as she began to bawl hysterically.

Martel noticed her hands were constricting and, after he entered sage mode, he spread his arms open. Laelynn immediately dove into his arms and began crying into his chest to hide her undignified expressions. The high elves were a very proud race, and showing such an expression would make them look down on her, but neither cared.

To Martel, this Laelynn was the best, one who was honest and straightforward with her feelings and desires to him. His language may have intentionally exaggerated, to comfort her, but he did care for this girl with a pure heart.

As Laelynn cried in his arms, Martel turned to look at the other girls from the tent who had come once they noticed Laelynn was missing.

Cali gave Martel a slight smile. “Elf, get.”

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Martel gave her a karate chop to the forehead while Laelynn had backed away from him in embarrassment. She would’ve moved back farther, but could only stop once Martel grabbed her hand, which prompted a beautiful smile on her tear-ridden face.

Martel saw that Kogane seemed to be looking at him with pouty puppy eyes. “What, you want a hug too?”

Kogane broke out into a broad smile as she immediately jumped up into his free arm. “Kitsune, get.”

“Not you too,” Martel mumbled.

The party made good headway and arrived at Chichester before schedule, around lunchtime. They were ahead of time because the girls had encouraged Terra to travel much faster to try out the carriage limits with Martel’s modification. They were excited to find out that the carriage was relatively stable even when traveling at a speed that was not normal.

After a brief discussion, the party also decided to wait outside the city and have lunch. They all felt that Hestia’s cooking was better, especially for the price. After they finished their meal, they entered Chichester without much problem. Only Martel and Cali needed to show their identity, given that Martel could let the others pass as they were his slaves. The guards seemed wary of Arachne, but she just ignored them, and the slave magic abated their worries.

The party’s purpose was to pick up an order Martel had made to help reinforce the carriage further. The girls were a little confused but followed him nonetheless. After traveling a short distance in town, they found a building that was still undergoing interior construction. Above the door to the building was a coat of arms.

The top of the coat of arms had the words’ Red Dragon Trading Company’. Below that depicted a giant Dragon supporting a round shield with a large sword behind it. The center of the shield was a balance scale with the words’ A Business to Support the World through Troubled Times’ engraved below that. At the front of the door was a young lady dressed in the maid outfit carrying a basket full of pamphlets of which she was handing out.

At the party’s approach, the young lady, who had a slave magic collar, smiled and greeted them. “Hello, I’m handing out these pamphlets to help inform everyone about the new multinational business, the Red Dragon Trading Company. This pamphlet contains a list of all our current, soon to be operational, and future planned services. I highly recommend that you take a look over this pamphlet and register with us, which is free to do.”

Martel took a step forward. “Go ahead and give them all a pamphlet and help them with registration. I’m here to pick up in order.” He said with a black token in hand with the same Coat of Arms as above the building.

The maid was slightly confused when she saw a black token, but she took it and gave it a double-check. “Sir, I will get my manager to help you, and then I will help the ladies.” She said before she got his acknowledgment and turned around back into the store.

Hestia gave Martel a quizzical look. “Sir, I’ve never heard of this Red Dragon Trading Company.”

“That makes sense seeing as it was only founded in the last few days,” Martel replied. “I would not have known about it either if I didn’t have some insider information.”

“So, is it just going to be a store?”

“Yes, although that isn’t their main selling point. Instead, it’s –”

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“What the hell?!” Arachne suddenly interjected as she was reading the pamphlet. “They’re able to transport you across the entire humanoid realm within minutes using magic?”

Martel nodded. “Yes, that’s how they got the support of the Adventurers Guild given that The Invasion is occurring.”

Crystal had a look of disbelief on her face. “Such magic was only found in the Labyrinth or used by the heroes. No one has been able to replicate it. Is this for real?”

“It is.” A new woman said as she exited from the shop. “Greetings, I am the branch manager of this establishment. If sir would follow me, we will get your order delivered immediately.”

Martel nodded as he followed the female, which he knew was one of his android Nanas.

After they watched Martel disappear into the shop, the girls then turned towards the maid.

“Is magic transportation real?” Arachne asked.

The maid nodded. “Yes, it’s hard to believe, but I was in the Delian League halfway across the realm until just yesterday. Even though I used it, it just seems so surreal.”

The girls gave each other glances as they tried to comprehend what they were hearing.

“If you will follow me, I will register you all with our company.” The maid continued before she led them into the shop and up to the desk, which had a device someone on Earth could define as a strange-looking camera. “This device will record your physical appearance and any additional identifying documents you may have. This way, you can safely pick up something you’ve ordered or sent to a different without the worry of someone falsifying your identity. You can also set it up so that others can pick up all or specific items you’ve ordered. If you have any questions, please let me know.” She said with a smile.

The girls then provided all the information that was requested of them.

“That is all we need for now. You may come to any of our establishments and update the information so that we can have a better idea to better service you, which I will explain in a moment.”

Not a second later, a unique square on the table suddenly flashed purple, and a stack of black tokens, the same that Martel had previously provided, suddenly appeared.

The maid froze up momentarily when she saw them before she handed them out to their respective owners as their names were engraved on the back.

“These are these special tokens that identify rank within the Red Dragon Trading Company.” The maid continued. “Having a higher rank means that you can get better discounts, access to better items, and overall more permissions within the company. There are seven different ranks identified by color, which, starting from the lowest, are: white, yellow, green, blue, purple, black, and red. All up to purple are the standard ranks that can be obtained based upon strength and contributions to the world, like fighting against the Invasion. The red tokens, which number near a dozen, belong to the owners who have complete control of the business. Additionally, they have the extra privilege of assigning the black token whose owners obtain the highest privileges available.”

“If the owners can only give them, how do we have black tokens?” Hestia asked.

“One of the owners must’ve vouched for you.” The maid replied in a way that expressed she did not know any additional information. “One second, please.” The maid continued as she held her hand up to hear which had a device slightly visible from within it that none recognized.

A moment later, the square on the table flashed again, and a letter appeared which the maid handed to Hestia. “Madam Hestia, this is a letter from your parents in response to one of which we previously delivered.”

Hestia received the letter with the look of astonishment on her face. The amount of time that had passed since she wrote the letter was barely enough time for her parents to have received it, much less for her to receive a reply.

“Madam Kogane, I have some news that is both good and bad.” The maid continued. “We have been looking for your mother but have found no trace of her. We will continue looking for her under the assumption that she is still alive.”

Kogane flinched at the news before she clenched her hands. “Thank you for looking.”

The maid nodded. “Of course, we will continue to do so.”

“Is everything alright?” Martel asked as he walked back and noticed that Kogane seemed depressed. However, he was not too surprised, given that he also heard the information.

Kogane didn’t reply but ran up to him and clung to his side as she suppressed her tears. Martel gently patted her head before he emptied the contents of a storage bag onto the table. “Since I was here, I picked up some potions for everyone. Red is for healing, blue is for mana, and green is for stamina. Laelynn, Kogane, and Arachne get two shares of Mana potions, otherwise split it up evenly. While you’d divvy everything up, I’m going to make some quick adjustments to the carriage and will be off.”

Of course, Martel didn’t buy anything but used it as an excuse to visit the shop and introduce it to the girls. It was an excuse for where he got the items created by his soul bodies.

Laelynn nodded as she began to give everyone their potions. At the same time, Martel went outside to modify the carriage but was stopped by a happy Hestia.

“Sir, I already got a reply from my parents.”

Martel smiled at her. “Good news, I hope.”

Hestia, who didn’t show much expression, beamed. “Even better than good news. It seems as though someone found out that my mother was cursed and healed her the night before they got my message. My mother’s already making a speedy recovery, and my father is already working to restore his political power.”

“That is extremely good to hear. What did you tell them? If you don’t mind my asking.”

Hestia appeared a little embarrassed. “I gave them a basic story of what happened to me and how I was saved by a rich adventurer who I’m now traveling with.”

“Okay, keep it that way for now. After the next Invasion, it will be quite obvious who I am. You can tell them after that.”

“I understand, Sir.”

“Also, feel free to send your parents letters whenever you wish. Having the black token means you can send three letters daily free of charge and one rushed letter for free, so don’t hold back.”

“Sir, thank you,” Hestia said. She suspected Martel knew someone of the Red Dragon Trading Company who was probably behind her parents’ healing, given the timing.

“Friends don’t need to say thank you over such small things.”

“Friends? I thought I was your slave.” Hestia cheekily replied as she was in a good mood.

“If you feel that way, you can do the night service that Laelynn tried to do.” Martel teased back.

Hestia looked away with a slight blush as she was fully aware of what he was talking about as she had eavesdropped at the time.

“Keep an eye on the girls while I make some quick modifications to the carriage.” Martel continued as he ignored her change in expression.

“Yes, sir,” Hestia replied, seemingly relieved that she could escape his presence.

...

After a few hours of travel, the party approached a crossroads. The city of Hastings was to the Northeast, and the city of Lewes was to the Northwest.

“Kogane, since you’re the Duchess of Hastings, what’s the city called?” Crystal asked.

“Hastings,” Kogane answered, slightly confused.

“So is the same?”

“No.”

“Kogane, why don’t you explain the feudal system and ranking to them,” Martel said as everyone but Hestia didn’t fully understand it.

Kogane nodded cutely and took on the appearance as if she would give a lecture, which she was. “There are five levels of cities: Village, Town, City, Ducal City, and Capital City.

“Villages are typically led by an elder decided by the population. These are very small communities not officially recognized by the kingdom they reside in. Because of this, and the fact that they are often rural, they are minimally defended and dangerous to live in. Once a village reaches a certain size and prosperity, it becomes recognized as a Town.

“A Town is led by a Mayer designated by the provincial Count. Because they are recognized, they have significantly better protection. They have a small contingent of their respective Count’s soldiers to keep law and order along with basic defenses.

“A City is led by a Count. The reigning monarch typically gives a Count power, but a Duke can cede an extra controlled City as well. Unlike a Mayer, the Count and above ranks are considered Noble. This means that they can be inherited. A City has similar but better defenses than a town.

“A Ducal City is led by a Duke. The ruling monarch initially awards a Dukedom. They have extremely well-protected cities, and most even have castle defenses.

“A Capital City is the city in which the highest level of authority resides. They are the largest and most populated cities. As they are the final bastion against the waves, they have the highest defenses.”

“Human society sounds so complicated,” Arachne mumbled.

“What is yours like?” Martel asked.

“It’s not as complicated and based on strength. Once an Arachnoid reaches a certain level of strength, they are eligible to create a family. This family isn’t purely genetic as humans typically use the word, but as an entity. Once an Arachnoid comes of age, they can decide to remain in the family they are born in or enter another family that will take them.

“There are only two ways to exit a family. The first way to exit the family is to be exiled, as I was. From there, you are free to enter any family that will take you in. However, this is rare as they look down on those who are exiled. The only other way is to marry into a family. In this case, depending on the individual’s status, the marriage may need to be accepted by specific individuals.

“Every five years, we hold a tournament where families fight one another. There are various benefits and rewards, depending on the family’s placement. The first-place winner has the right to govern the others in matters that affect the entire society, like uniting against other races.”

“While it does sound simpler, it also sounds as if it’s missing some necessary finer details,” Hestia replied.

“Perhaps, I was never much of a political person.”

It was at this point that Laelynn gently pulled on Martel’s clothing from behind. As he noticed her touch was slightly shaking, he turned to look at her only to become dumbfounded as she seemed to be holding back tears.

“Master, I have to go to the restroom.”

Martel had to hold back a chuckle from the out of left field request. “Of course, of course. We will pull over at the crossroad. There should be enough trees for your privacy. Hestia can accompany you while Arachne surveys the surroundings.”

Not a minute after the three of them had disappeared, Martel noticed the figure of a young man running down the path to the Northwest who began to slow down once he saw them. With a smile, he approached the party.

Martel went on alert at the man’s approach but relaxed once he got sufficient information from him. People with high STL that wished to hide their information could do so. Only those with a Talent like Status Forger, similar scarce abilities, or a ridiculously high STL could fake it. Additionally, not even his Talent allowed him to represent his KAR falsely. The man who was approaching had a relatively high good KAR. Martel could see his rewards and punishments, which had nothing bad, so the chance that he was not a good person was minuscule.

“Greetings, fellow travelers, my name is Leo. I wonder if you have any news regarding the capital of Sussex in the last few days?”

Martel gave a smile from behind his mask. “Hello Leo, my name is Martel. We left the capital a few days ago. Is there anything you would like to know?”

“Is it true that all twelve of the heroes have been summoned?”

Martel nodded. “Indeed, several days ago.”

“Do you know if they are still accepting party members?”

Martel cocked an eyebrow. “I see no reason why they would not as the parties were not full, although whether they will accept recruits is dependent upon the hero.”

“Thanks for the information.”

“Do you have a particular hero you wish to follow?”

“Not particularly,” Leo replied as he scratched his head awkwardly. “My grandfather was the previous generation Gauntlet Hero, so I always wanted to join a hero party since I was young. Luckily my wife and daughter were understanding.”

“Are you sure you want to leave your wife and daughter in times of such turmoil?”

“It’s because of that that I wish to help make the world a safer place. Besides, they live in a town near Lewes, which they can retreat to in the worst-case scenario. Though it is risky, I believe it safer for my family and myself if I strengthen myself instead of staying with them.”

“That’s a tough decision, but I cannot respect it,” Martel replied as he had some sympathy for Leo’s situation. “If you join a hero’s party, I recommend you join either the dagger or bow hero.”

Leo had a look of surprise on his face before he broke into a smile. “I’ll do that.”

“There is a chance that neither of those heroes will still be in the capital, so go to the Red Dragon Trading Company branch office in Chichester. They’ll have the information you need.”

“Okay, I-” Leo began to say before he was distracted by the sound and sight of a horse dashing down the path that led up to Hastings.

Martel also turned to look at the horse and was quite surprised when he found a wounded horse with a slumped over rider impaled by a crude-looking arrow in his back, rushing towards them. Martel quickly hit an emergency release on Terra’s harness, which instantly released her from the carriage. “Go stop that horse as peacefully as possible.” He ordered her.

Terra gave a growl-whinny before she went out to intercept the horse. The horse was obviously in a panicked situation but seemed to submit to Terra.

Both Martel and Leo quickly went to check on the rider who was barely conscious. Martel quickly tore out the arrow and cast healing magic while the estimated that the wound could have only happened a few short minutes ago.

The man raggedly breathed as he barely managed to get a few words out. “Help… Goblins… Wife and daughter.”

That was all the information Leo needed as he immediately bolted down the path from which the horse had come.

“Shit,” Martel mumbled as he took in this information before he turned towards the carriage. “Crystal, get Terra connected to the carriage. Kogane, send out your Soul Armament to inform the other girls to get here as quickly as possible.”

The next thing Martel did was to immediately access the information he could obtain from the SRIN that were in the area. Throughout the entire humanoid realm, the Duchy of Hastings had the most active SRIN. Martel was looking for Rio, Kogane’s mama, and further his plans for the area in the future. He was especially hurried because he knew full well the nature of goblins.

Perhaps partially due to the harsh conditions of the world from which the goblins came from, but they, along with several other races from the other world, had extremely high urges to procreate. They were not particularly picky when it came to the race that was on the receiving end, and humans were an easy target. Goblins were especially notorious for this because most goblins were male, believed to be over 95%, which explained their extreme desire to find females of other races.

Finally, Martel found the mother and daughter pair. [He’s not going to make it in time.] Martel thought as he saw that the goblins had brought the pair to a slightly secluded area had already begun to tear off their clothing. “I’m going ahead!” He shouted as he immediately used Gale Step to dash away.

“So fast.” Crystal said in disbelief. She believed his levels were relatively low, having just been summoned. However, his speed was something that should not have appeared on such a low-level human being.

“What’s happening?” Hestia said as she and the other two girls rushed to the carriage.

Crystal quickly filled them in as they helped the recovering man and took off after Martel.

“Mommy, help me!” A little girl shouted as several creatures dragged her.

“It’ll be alright, just listen to mommy’s voice.” A dragged woman replied as calmly as she could, though the shaking of her voice gave away her fear.

Both mother and daughter struggled against the captors to little avail.

The captors in question were small and lanky with a skin tone comparable to that of an old human with the wrinkles to match. Their heads were somewhat rounded and bulbous while the ears were ragged though shaped somewhat like a knife. Their noses were long and curved downward, and their mouths were sharp.

Goblins could be considered stupid, but they were straightforward. This did not mean that they weren’t capable of some simple common sense, like bringing their prey to a secluded area.

“No, no.” The woman said as she noticed that the goblins had put them down and started shredding her clothing. She wanted to shout out loudly, but hearing her daughter’s sobbing held her back as she knew to be strong for both of them. Just as she desperately held onto the last tatters of her clothes, there was a flash of purple.

The closest goblin turned to the purple light, but the only thing to enter his field of vision was the sky, then a headless corpse on the ground.

Martel had come out swinging as he instantly beheaded one goblin a moment before he sent three needles into the heads of the three others. In nearly instant, half the goblins were dead. Startled by the sudden intrusion, the goblins began to scream as they took up their arms, but none could even stand a chance against Martel. Martel was slightly taken aback as the goblins reached Level 3. They had stats comparable to his own, but his Ki made an overwhelming difference.

The mother and daughter, who were still shellshocked, didn’t respond when Martel tossed a blanket over and covered them.

“It’s all right now,” Martel said.

“Is… Is it?” The woman absentmindedly replied as the whole situation seems so surreal.

“My father, what about my father?” The little girl asked, surprisingly having recovered mentally. “He was wounded.”

“It was because of your father that I found you. Don’t worry. I healed him before coming.”

“Thank you.” The mother said.

It was then that a slightly out of breath Leo appeared. A look of surprise was evident on his face when he saw that Martel had beaten him to the punch. “I’m surprised you got here before me.”

“Good thing I did, otherwise you would’ve been late,” Martel replied.

Leo frowned, but could only make a bitter smile. “Well, it seems I still have a long way to go to get stronger.”

The sound of horse hooves could be heard coming from nearby as Martel’s party eventually made their way to the scene.

“Oh, thank goodness, thank goodness.” The man said as he quickly dropped from his horse and ran to the mother and daughter pair.

“I’m glad you made it in time,” Hestia said as she made a meaningful glance towards Martel.

Martel took on a proud expression. “If there’s one thing I’m good at, it’s running away.”

Kogane suddenly burst out laughing, and a couple of other girls couldn’t help but smile. “Papa, that’s not something to be proud of.” She replied though she was smart enough to know that he had made a joke to ease the tension.

Martel turned to look at the family that had begun to calm down. “Where are you from?”

“I worked on one of the farms on the outskirts of Hastings. As soon as we noticed the waves, my family and I began to run south. We had to be slow as we were only traveling in proximity to the road as he didn’t want to be exposed. This morning, we managed to catch the horse that had escaped. We stopped to take a restroom break, and the rest you know.”

“I see. Do you know why we haven’t run into any other refugees?”

The man took a second to think. “The crack spawned by the Wave is relatively long. It cut off most of the southern escape route from the majority of the population so that they would have headed west out of necessity. The reason why we managed to escape South is that the Wave had separated us from the main city.”

“Do you have any plans for your destination?”

“I have relatives in Chichester.” The woman replied.

Martel nodded before he turned to Leo. “Are you willing to escort them?”

“I’ll do that.” He replied.

After a few more minutes, Martel sent Leo and the family off with a space bag with some essential money and necessities before he turned to the girls who were observing the goblins. “Do you think these goblins spawned during the wave?”

Kogane was the first to shake her head. “No, these are lesser goblins, most likely from our goblin farms.”

“How do you farm goblins?” Laelynn asked.

“Most powers have some form of farming,” Kogane replied. “To help facilitate leveling up, areas that naturally constrain enemies of certain levels are maintained and managed. They can provide the necessary experience and an environment for growth to maintain a standing military force. We had a goblin farm that existed within a vast series of caverns to the southern part of our Duchy, just north of here.”

“How are you sure that these lesser goblins did not come from the wave?” Hestia asked.

Kogane took on a rare ugly expression. “Because they do not naturally exist in their world. They are a byproduct of the thinning goblin bloodline due to procreating with other races.”

“Is it usual for them to come out this far South?” Martel asked.

Kogane shook her head. “No, but it was going to happen at some point. You see, to keep them from going out of control, we had several stronger people curb their numbers. They won’t be doing that anymore.”

“Isn’t this still too quick?” Arachne asked. “Their numbers shouldn’t have swelled so much in such a short time that they would change their habits.”

“What if they had a sudden influx of members from the wave?” Martel replied.

The girls all had a look of understanding in their eyes.

“Yes, that would make sense,” Kogane replied. “It would be even more likely if there was a goblin king present.”

“King? Goblins have a sense of royalty?” Hestia asked.

“No, their societies are based upon genetic superiority. The lowest are these lesser goblins, which are extremely weak, always male, and subservient to the goblins. Goblins are very similar to lesser goblins, but their skin color is green. Goblin Kings are extremely rare. They also have green skin, but their bodies are about the size of a normal human adult and their significantly stronger basic human intelligence. Lesser goblins and goblins are completely subservient to them due to genetic fear. Finally, even rarer than goblin kings are the goblin queens. They are so rare that not much is known about them. However, they seem to be the reverse of a lesser goblin though they also result from procreating with other species. Aside from the green skin, they appear only slightly different and have similar stats to their non-goblin ancestry. Even goblin kings are apprehensive of them.”

“Is it normal for lesser goblins to reach level 3?” Martel asked.

“Eh? No. Because they are subservient, they only reach level 1. Most goblins would kill them for food if they were to get too strong and deemed a threat.”

“Two of these lesser goblins were level 3, though.”

“Really?” Kogane asked in disbelief as her eyes began to swim.

Given her reaction, Martel understood that Kogane was one who was extremely intelligent but not extremely wise, as one would suspect with her age. So far, her answers were textbook, but that was the problem.

“From the sound of it, it seems that there was a goblin King that came through the Wave. Most likely, he led new goblins to take over the den of the old ones. Due to the surge in population, which caused an increased need for food and conflict implementing a new social hierarchy, I can only assume a large number of goblins died. This means there should be a decent number of stronger goblins from the subsequent killings. Naturally, this could happen without a goblin king, but we should assume it did.”

“Papa is brilliant,” Kogane replied, a little depressed.

Martel rubbed her head. “I could only make that conclusion because of Kogane’s information.”

Kogane’s face lit up as she pressed more into his hand.

“So, what do we do now?” Hestia asked.

Martel cracked a smile. “Go goblin hunting.”

“Yes,” Arachne said with a dark tone. “Let’s go kill these little insects; decapitate them, amputate their limbs, hear their screams, watch as their guts spill out on the *smack* ouch!”

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