V2 Chapter 9: Prince and war council of the stupid people

While Phúc was still in the middle of an arms race with Thùy Dương, he found Sun Tzu.

Sun Tzu was considered as one of the world’s most celebrated war strategists and commander to ever live in the history of mankind. In the consciousness of an average student of history, Sun Tzu stood among the ranking of the world greatest military strategists and commanders like Alexander the Great, Genghis Khan, Napoleon Bonaparte, etc.

Strange, That was what I thought when I first heard Sun Tzu as a child.

Napoleon Bonaparte was a man of average stature, and yet, he cast a large shadow over the entire European world when he was still alive. Genghis Khan created an Empire for his people, turning the world upside down, from the western world to the eastern world. Alexander the Great conquered the Empire of Persia as a teenage boy. In term of accomplishments and conquered-landmasses when he was still in service, Sun Tzu could not match the level of prestige of these three great conquerors. And yet, he stood among these celebrated conquerors as their equal in the consciousness of a student of history.

That was why I was so enamored with Sun Tzu and his character, as much as Phúc did.

In term of war accomplishments, credits, and conquered-landmasses, Sun Tzu could not match the level of those three Great Conquerors. And yet, in the modern days when I still was on Earth, Sun Tzu’s legacy can still be felt and his ideology was still shaping the world even when his body was all but ashes.

What makes Sun Tzu great was his legacy. He left a very powerful legacy to his people and everyone who wished to learn from him, a single treatise named Sun Tzu’s Military Method or commonly known as Sun Tzu’s The Art of War.

The English translation Sun Tzu’s “The Art of War” from original title孫子兵法 (Sun Tzu’s Military Method ) was misleading on many levels, a powerful illusion. As an illusionist, I read that title in English as Mr. Sun Tzu’s The Science of War.

I strongly believe that war should not be considered as a form of an Art.

'It is good that war is terrible, otherwise, men would grow fond of it,' as the great Robert. E. Lee has once said. I wished that I have known these words before I incited Phúc to go to war against Thùy Dương. We won a single battle. She won the fucking war. Reason? While Sun Tzu was on our side, he was also on her side as well, and we waged war not knowing that.

War is a method, as stated and written in the title of the treatise by Sun Tzu, the very writer of the treatise himself.

And because war is a method, a pursuit, it can be broken down in details and explained in scientific explanations. Therefore, I believe that War is a field of Science at its core. And science is cold and factual. There is no room for emotion in a scientific report or scientific research. I have never read an emotional scientific report before nor have I read an emotional scientific research paper.

The people who fight and the people who wage war have emotions, and war can be an emotional topic to people, but war itself has no emotion. It is a field of science. And that what Sun Tzu’s treatise is all about, a scientific report about the experiments that he has conducted and his conclusion on the topic.

Therefore, warmongers must wage, fight and conduct a war like an experiment, being methodological, professional, scientific and controlled in their approach at all time. And because war must be conducted like an experiment, there are trials-and-errors…

I wish that I had room for trials-and-errors in the biggest experiment that I am about to conduct. However, I could not afford such a luxury. I do not possess the mean to pay for such luxury nor can I ask the bank for a loan to afford such luxury. This experiment is powered by my own pockets and I have but a single chip, a coin.

Due to my respect for Sun Tzu and his Science of War, my graduate thesis paper was titled, “Maybe Sun Tzu was a low-key masochist.” Of course, my instructor immediately sounded the siren alarms and made me rewrote the title. Therefore, I changed the title into, “Sun Tzu, a masochistic genius and a stupidly misunderstood hero.”

In the middle of the night, my instructor immediately phoned me to his room and started shouting at me, “Can you stop writing your thesis paper with this kind of title? You know that I could not allow you to present your thesis paper with this kind of title.”

In the end, my thesis paper was renamed: “A study of Sun Tzu’s character, the father of the Science of War.”

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To fight the war with all of those participants in the Reign of Chaos, I called upon my entire Department of War. Also, I invited Mr. Sun Tzu as a special guest to join with me with my war council via a video feed.

With Sun Tzu on my side and my trusted Department of War’s staffs, we plunged ourselves into the most heated discussion that lasted for months without a break.

So how do I fight this war?

I asked myself this question while knowing that I have failed the very first important checklist about threat assessment in Mr. Sun Tzu’s Military Method of War. This checklist appeared in the very beginning of the treatise, literally the first chapter of Laying Plans. It presented five utmost important factors that a warmonger must consider before conducting a war. Each of these five factors presented an amount of risk that can and will compromise the result of a war.

In front of my eyes, a table I drew.

The Moral Law

O

Fuck me, I wage war for the most selfish reason.

The Heaven

O

Fuck me, I am not a god. In fact, I wage war against the gods.

Earth

O

Fuck me, this is not earth but Escana. This is not my home ground.

The Commander

O

Fuck me, I am all alone. I don’t even have an army with me, let alone a commander.

Method and discipline

X

Yay, at least, I win one out of five.

A smart person would come to a conclusion, “Yup, we are not fighting this war,” when they see this table I drew. However, if my family and my closest friends have learned one thing after sticking with me for so long, they knew very well that I am a stupid asshole at the core.

I think that it is about the damn time for my enemies learning that.

As a person who invented the Art of Stupidity and the leading artist in this field, I would say, “Fuck this shit, we go to war.” I twisted my face with pure disgust and pessimism, Shit. This is a terrible start.

“The general that hearkens to my counsel and acts upon it, will conquer: Keep that person in command! The general that hearkens not to my counsel nor acts upon it, will suffer defeat:—let such a person be dismissed!” I heard Mr. Sun Tzu gave me his most honest advice.

For some reasons, Mr. Sun Tzu’s advice sounded like he was trying to roast me alive. It’s like he’s trying to tell, “You know what? How about letting someone else talks and become the leader? Your stupidity is rotting my ears.”

“I’m sorry, Mr. Sun Tzu,” I gave my reply to Sun Tzu, dismissing his most honest warning. Shit, this is not going well. “But don’t worry, Mr. Sun Tzu, I will try to make-do and tick the first four boxes of that checklist as I fight this war,” I bullshitted to Sun Tzu.

“The general who loses a battle makes but inadequate calculations beforehand. Making many calculations lead to victory, making inadequate amount of calculations lead to defeat.” Sun Tzu earnestly reprimanded me like a teacher with his cryptic words.

Is this even English?

“Do you think that alone, by myself, I can make more calculations and out-preparing that many people? Besides, these are immortals and they can twist time in a dream.” I lamented and complained.

For some reason, Mr. Sun Tzu seemed to have a problem with the internet connection at his end. I could not hear his reply.

“Mr. Sun Tzu, what did you say?” I blurted while checking the internet connection. There was no problem with the connection. For some reasons, I could only see his image but could not listen to his voice. “Mr. Sun Tzu. I cannot read lips. There is something wrong with the audio at your end, please try to reboot your app or something.”

In the end, Mr. Sun Tzu seemed to never figure out what is the problem with his audio. He rebooted his PC after leaving me a written message, “All warfare is based on deception.”

“Don’t worry, Mr. Sun Tzu. I got this part. This is something I am very good at.” I smiled a toothy smile, full of confidence.

Mr. Sun Tzu shook his head. He wore an ugly expression on his face, a twist of an ugly grimace as if he has given up talking to me, as if he has lost his faith in humanity, as if he was done with this meeting.

He has realized that there is nothing he could do to stop me from fighting this war. He rebooted his PC and the screen went black.

This meeting is not going too well. I concluded and headed to the next phase of the meeting, Waging War. Thankfully, the second chapter in Sun Tzu’s treatise was about Waging War.

“I have no army. I have no land. I have no food, wealth, or any resource to fight a war.” I made a quick summary of my current situation, writing it on the whiteboard. When I finished writing the summary, I read it, again and again, and again, since I had never fought a war with this kind of handicaps in my entire lifetime. I banged my head at the whiteboard repeatedly in frustration and pessimism. “A problem,” I added at the end of my summary.

Any sensible person would advise me to forget about starting this war business and experiment. Any sensible person would have listened to such advices.

Not me. Never me.

“Solution: Search for bankers. Talk them into lending you… everything... everything?” I wrote my solution on the whiteboard.

This makes no sense in the real world. I quickly realized. I despaired, banging my head against the whiteboard again. “Fuck, what kind of banker would be that stupid enough to lend that kind of “everything” to someone like me, a fucking hobo who has nothing of value with him?”

Then suddenly, I realized that my despair has given me hope, the most perfect answer.

I rewrote my solution, “Solution: Search for Stupid bankers. Talk them into lending you every resource you need.” I reread my revised solution and despaired again.

Shit, I am already in debts before the war even begins. This is fucking suicidal. This is worse than gambling. “DO NOT RECOMMEND THIS SOLUTION FOR SMART PEOPLE!” I added my most honest thought at the end of the stupid solution that I came up with.

After that, I spent five months inside the war room to come up with methods and strategies to erase my colossal debts to the Stupid bankers. And then, I realized that I have wasted five months doing nothing meaningful because erasing my debts to the bankers have nothing to do with the war between me and those immortals. Besides, I can only think about paying the debts after I survive and win the war.

I banged my head against the wall until that wall gave way to the hardness of my head.

“Good, let’s continue the session,” I told myself in the most optimistic of a voice despite the despair inside my heart. My hands sneaked in a tiny note at the end of the second phrase. “War=debts, do not pursue if you are smart.”

“The third phase of this war council, qualifications. Have I earned my qualification to fight this war?” I read my question written on the board aloud.

My staffs summoned the phantoms of the people of Escana who have died facing an Immortal.

The phantoms warned, “The act of challenging a god is futility in it and of itself.”

“Excuse me, I am the moron who challenged the futility of time. And I won that battle.” I gave my reply to the phantoms.

The phantoms said, “To fight a God, thou must be a God.”

“Excuse me. I am the God and the second most powerful being in this dreamland.”

The phantoms said, “The act of defying the gods is like facing Death herself.”

“Excuse me, I kissed Death in her lips, and nearly fucked her, had it not for my stupidity cock-blocking myself. And I am still alive now.”

“Then, my Lord, you are over-qualified for this war,” concluded the people of Escana.

I nodded my head and agreed with that assessment. Then I asked them, “What about them? Are they qualified to fight me?”

“How the fuck do we know the answer to that question? Ask them instead!” the phantom snarled. And disappeared.

“Make sense.” I nodded my head, allying myself with the logic of the faded phantoms. I added my conclusion on the board, “Status: Overqualified for the war. No Worry!!!” with a tiny reminder at the end.

“Remember to ask them if they were qualified for facing me.”

All of a sudden, I felt hopeful and optimistic about the war. At least, I am qualified to fight it.

I did not waste any time to celebrate and headed into the next phase of the war council.

“Know your enemy, know yourself”

I called the video coordinator to play an episode on Misery’s Discovery of the LORE of ROC channel.

I was also starring in that episode with my usual role as Dr. Reality.

When the video coordinator finished playing that clip, he asked me if I needed to watch the seven seasons documentary series about the

“No, I don’t need to watch it.” I declined and began to draw a table, to sum up my understanding of the matter.

Demon Lord/God/Goddess

Fearless

Real Identity

· Professional Clowns, who mistakenly decided to audition in a horror action movie

· The Best ROC pro-gamer

Strength

· Making people laugh

· Looking fabulous

Weakness

· Only know how to make people laugh.

· No other talent.

· Not united as they appear.

· Too many of them in a single movie. No audience could remember every single of their name.

· Too stupid for his own good

· Alone

Favorite method of killing a target

· Making people laugh to dead

· Too many to name

Favorite method of defense against devastating attacks

· Escape to Kharigan

· Partying

Winning Condition

· Kill Fearless

· ?????

Losing Condition

· Elimination from the game, from life and from existence

· Become someone else other than Fearless

“Is there something wrong with this table?” I asked the video coordinator the moment I saw his expression.

“Did you not watch the video?” He inquired with a high pitch voice.

“What kind of question is that?”

“This is not what the clip is about.” He slammed the projector to the ground and broke it.

I shook my head in resignation, “You are literally forcing my hand,” I said and snapped my finger.

“Really?” The video coordinator slowly dispersed into dust, but not without leaving behind his final words, “Mr. Sun Tzu…. I don’t feel so good.”

“Anyone else has a problem with this table?” I turned my head around the war council and asked. There were no further dissents raised among the war council.

“That’s good. Let’s move to the next phrase.” I said, “The best method to kill or win against an Immortal being.”

The best method to kill or win against an Immortal being

Direct Method

Indirect Method

· Stick Enfermé right up their asses

· Kiss them with Dragon Bane

· Convince them to kill themselves

· Strike a devastating psychological blow to make them quit

· Entering their name into a real comedy show, let them know that they are clowns

· Show them what a real horror movie looks like.

“Anyone wanted to add anything? No? Then, Let’s move to the next phrase.”

HOW DO WE FIGHT THIS WAR?

“Let’s start with how should we strike our first blow in this war? Step 1, anyone?”

“Make it contain all of the elements listed on the table “The best method to kill or win against an Immortal being.” Basically, kill one to warn a hundred.” replied.

“Flawless reasoning.” I nodded my head and commended him, “After that, what’s next? What’s step 2?”

“There is a Next after that?” furrowed his brows.

“We must consider the worst case scenario, just in case our enemies are just as stupid as us.” I reasoned.

“How about not starting this war?” asked with an unsure voice.

I snapped my finger and turned my attention at , the person who sat next to .

“YOLO?” He replied, unsure.

Without a hint of emotion, I snapped my finger again.

was the next in the line, “I don’t want to die,” he begged.

Again, I snapped my fingers.

“Snap your fucking fingers again, I dare you.” stood up and challenged me.

I made his wish comes true.

As he dispersed into dust, “I was only kidding,” he said.

“Any better idea?” I glanced at the rest of my trusted staffs.

“You tyrant, I will kill you.” shouted.

I snapped him out of existence.

One of the last Fearless presenting inside the room stood up, “Repeating step 1,” he shouted.

I nodded my head, “Good, what about step 3?”

“Repeating step 2?” He started to sweat bullets.

“Let me guess, you are going to tell me to repeat my step 3 for step 4, am I correct?”

“Don’t snap your finger, please.”

I clapped my hands and made another Fearless, with the word godly attached to his name, dispersed into dust.

I then turned my sight at the final members of the Department of War.

“Who do you think you are?” One of them stood and shouted in defiance.

“Your God,” I snapped my fingers.

“If you disagree with our plan, why don’t you come up with a better plan? You cannot.” The final members of my staffs declared, eyes full of hatred.

“And what if I can come up with a better plan?” I smiled, accepting his challenge. “Watch this,” I said and redialed Mr. Sun Tzu for his help.

“You call that a plan?” he sneered

Mr. Sun Tzu appeared on the screen. His intelligent eyes flickered through the whiteboard, assessing the flows of the council and the decision that I have made. Then, he face-palmed himself.

“An army is always exposed to six calamities, which do not arise from natural causes, but from faults of its general. These are:

(1) Flight;

(2) Insubordination;

(3) Collapse;

(4) Ruin;

(5) Disorganization;

(6) Rout.

These are six ways of courting defeat, which must be carefully noted by the general who has attained a responsible post.”

Mr. Sun Tzu shared with me his words of wisdom and gave me a look of “Do not contact me further than this. I don’t want to deal with your bunch.” He mysteriously disconnected, pulling the plug of his PC in a snap.

“HAHAHAHAHAHA. Even the great Sun Tzu has given up on you.”

“What are you talking about?” I furrowed my brows in confusion.

“What?”

“He just told us the method to destroy our enemies.”

“What are you talking about? He just literally described our current state. He told you that it’s your faults that we are going to be defeated. You are making all of us experiencing the six calamities right now.”

“He just told us to make our enemies exposed with the six states of calamities: flight, insubordinate, collapsed, ruined, disorganized and routed.” I wrote down Sun Tzu’s advice on the whiteboards.

“What the fuck are you talking about?”

“You know what? I win the bet. I just came up with a better plan. Bye,” I waved my hand and snapped my fingers, ending my war council.