For probably the fiftieth time since she had returned from freshening the water in the basin, she pressed the re-moistened cloth to my forehead. At least the action had an important purpose now and wasn’t just a distraction to keep her busy and out of the way, with each new press of the cloth the shock of the cold and wet was helping to keep my eyes open. The healer had been adamant that I try not to sleep at all until he returned with the woman he thought might be able to help. He had assured me that he would do is best to return before the end of the night, but staying up even just that long was a tall order with the exhaustion clawing at the very depths of my soul. He had already been gone for hours now, having left riding as hard as he could on his horse. I hoped and prayed to anyone that would hear me that I would find the strength to hold on until he could return.

“Florin?” my nursemaid asked in alarm, rising from her set a abit.

Snapping back to attention I refocused my eyes and gave her a wan smile, I had drifted off into dissociative thoughts again. It was very hard to keep my thoughts on the present and kept finding myself going down rabbit holes chasing lines of thoughts all the way back to even memories of infancy. With the veil between awake and sleep so thin it seemed that I was prone to getting in loops that only usually occurred right before falling asleep and quickly forgotten by the morning. It was incredibly strange to be more aware while they were happening and able to somewhat track what was going on and what my mind thought was subconsciously important. One of the reoccurring themes was my mother’s standoff approach to me while she was alive, I kept being forced to recall all the times during important events like birthdays or other holidays where she would stand off to the side, trying to hide as she clutched her abdomen. I had not picked up on it then and it seemed like now I new knowledge about what she had been combating, I felt the need to review all those old memories and put them in a new perspective.

“Tell me about my mother.” I had not even thought about the request, it had fell out of my mouth like my subconscious had control for a moment. Though I was curious and always had been about where she came from and the type of person she had been. I felt a bit cheated that she had died while I was still young, I would never get to chance to get to know her on a personal level, adult to adult. It seemed like there were two major stages to children and their parents, the first being where there was a normal child and parent relationship, then once the child grew something more akin to a close friendship formed. It was a bitter pill for me to swallow that I would never have that with either of my parents. I supposed that it was destined for my father to die before I was very mature, he had been at an advanced age when I was born, but my mother had been still very young.

The cloth on my forehead released it’s pressure for a moment, letting it sit as my nursemaid sat back and studied my face. She had a very pained, worried expression that really highlighted the deep wrinkles that had formed through the years across her forehead and around her eyes. I had never really thought much of it before, but she had to be around the age my mother would have been if she was alive, perhaps a bit older, but it was improper to ask a woman her age so I would never know unless the information was offered. In my mind’s eye I still had an image of the woman a bit slimmer, skin smoother, and hair a chestnut brown, but now that I took a moment to really look at her and take in her features, time had changed much. It struck me how disconnected from things I had really been, I had of course noticed that white streaks had crept into her hair over the past couple of years, but it had not been incorporated into my permanent view of her yet. It also really bothered me that I couldn’t bring to mind her actual name, it had been probably since before the death of my mother since I had heard anyone use it in front of me and it would be embarrassing at this point to ask. How would I even explain that even though she had been the one to birth me and had acted as a pseudo mother all these years that I had not bothered to file away even the most basic information about her. That kind of information had never felt overly important before, I tended not to really care what the names of servants were, it was a trait I had picked up from my father. I was no longer sure it was a trait that I admired having, it seemed ridiculous now that I was possibly on my deathbed that I would potentially die not even knowing the name of the lifelong caretaker who was doing her best to keep me around.

“It is alright if you would rather not talk about her right now,” I offered once I realized she had fell quiet and distant. "I know it might be a painful subject for you as well, you were her closest confidant after all."

“No, I have no problem talking about her at all,” she said quietly. “It’s just that… well…” Her eyes went glassy a moment and she pulled up part of her skirt to dab moisture from her eyes. “I have sat at the bedside of a few people who have passed away, people tell me that I am very matronly in a comforting way so they send for me, and every single time they are getting ready to let go, they start asking about or for their mothers.”

My stomach turned over, I really did not like the confirmation that I was perhaps coming to the end, though that did not stop me from wanting to hear her talk about her anyway. “This is just the first time I have been able to sit and talk with you for a very long while, I just want to discuss her a bit, I miss her. I feel like I never really got a chance to know her before she was gone.”

“I miss her too,” she admitted as she finished drying her eyes and smoothed her dress back into place again. “She got a bit strange at the end, though I think she struggled with a lot of things that she never wanted to say aloud. She wanted to kept her head held high and was not the type to want people to worry about her or drop what they were doing to attend to her.”

“That sounds like she did not act very royal at all then,” I commented, “she could have been doted on as much as she wanted to and been catered to if she was not feeling well. ”

“It just was not her way, after having you and experiencing complications she retreated into herself and never fully came out again. It happens sometimes with difficult births, the women change and never quite go back to their normal selves. I have been very lucky with all my children and I am very grateful for it.”

“Maybe losing my sister had something to do with it. It could not have been easy on her for her to have been whisked away and never seen again. I know you are not a big fan of my sister, but she was her mother."

Her lips formed a hard, thin line and her expression briefly went from worried to annoyed. “Perhaps, though that should not have been at all on her mind,” she said tersely. “That girl was bad to the core. She was rebellious, had a terrible temper, and had a set of incorrect ideas about how the world worked before she could even toddle around. There are just some children who come out of the womb bad, I think the best thing that ever happened for everyone is her terrible aunt came and took her away. I argued at the time against, but in hindsight I realized that her leaving kept you safe.”

“You have mentioned before that she was upset about me having been born, do you think she would have hurt me though? She was just a little girl still when I came along.” I found it really hard to believe that any child my mother had birthed and brought up could be so cold and terrible as my nursemaid insisted she had been.

“I know she would have,” she said darkly. “When you were fist born, within moments you mother took a bad turn and was very, very poorly. She needed my help urgently and I simply could not put all my attention on her while also watching you and I could not in good conscience just sit you down and ignore you while I tried to save your mom. Your mom had only wanted me in the room with her and with how smoothly your sister was birthed we did not think it would be an issue, so there was no one else around and your father never wanted to be anywhere near birth when it was happening, he had gone out hunting the moment your mother felt her first birthing pains. Toria had been waiting outside the room though, she had it in her mind that the baby would absolutely be a girl and she was excited at the idea of welcoming in a new sister. I was still naive then and assumed that she would come around if you turned out to be a boy, so I gave no second thought when I rushed in, shoved you into her arms, told her to take care of you for a bit, and rushed back to your mother.”

“What was wrong with my mother?” I had always heard there was complications after my birth, but the details were always sparse.

“I do not exactly know to be quite honest, at first there was a lot of bleeding, but with a few tricks and herbs I was familiar with I was able to get it under control, but she was in so much agony. I have held plenty a woman’s hand as she screamed and cried in childbirth, you will never have to know it, but childbirth is a messy, painful experience, perhaps the most painful thing a woman will ever know, and still I have never heard the deep, anguished cries that wracked your mother’s body. I still get goosebumps remembering how pallid and withdrawn her face was, it felt like she was but a husk of a person, that birthing you had literally ripped part of her life force from her. There was not much I knew to do except sit with her, talking to her to keep her with me, singing comforting lullabies when all she could do was cry from pain, and wait with her until it subsided. At some point when I thought she was perhaps safe for a few moments, I went back to retrieve you from your sister, I had hoped that putting you in her arms might help with her strength. The whole time I had been gone, which had not been a short time, she had plopped you in the bassinet and left you screaming your head off while she stared angrily at the fire. She had no inclinations towards helping you or getting you to settle down. I scolded her for being so callous and all she wanted to discuss was how terrible it was that you were now the heir and she was not. There was not a thought or care in her head for you once she realized you were going to take over as heir. I can still remember the evil look on her face right before I took you to your mother, I am convinced that if I had not come back when I did to fetch you she might have decided to ensure that she stayed heir.”

“She was just a child,” I pressed again. Maybe she was right and I was the one being naive, but I did not want to believe that my only living close kin only harbored murderous thoughts of me. “Perhaps she was just really upset and you misinterpreted. You said yourself that you had left me in her care for quite a while and she did not do anything but neglect to take care of me. Surely if she really wanted me done away with she would have taken the opportunity and acted on it.”

The nursemaid removed the cloth from my forehead and dipped it back into the basin, swishing it around to ensure that it fully was re-moistened and cooled. Her face was contemplative as she wrung it out and placed it back on my head. “I suppose there could be merit in that, but I would not use that as a basis to start trusting anything about that girl. Call it a mother’s intuition or what have you, but I know deep in my heart that she would have done something given the time and opportunity. I am certain now that resentment has probably been breed into her by those witches she left with, no good could come from such an evil House.”

“I came from that House, technically.” I was not hurt by her calling it an evil house, I knew for certain now that that assumption was very much true.

She gave me a soft smile and shook her head like I had just said something extremely childish and silly. “You are not truly of your mother’s house, you will trace your line through your father and get to ignore the nasty bit of your mother’s history.”

“I would rather not forget my mother though, I wanted her to love me so badly.”

“Oh she did.” She clucked her tongue lightly at the idea that I would bring up anything to the contrary. “She loved you very dearly, she was just struggling with her own issues especially after…”

“After? I really wished people would just spit things out around me, I was the future king and it seemed like people still felt the need to consider hiding things from me.

“Well your mother obviously never wanted anyone to know, but at some point when you were young, but old enough to be running around the castle, she miscarried a child. She hid it very well, I am sure that no one else took much notice, but there was no mistaking the way she walked and carried herself after it happened. I think she was even fairly far along when it happened, then poor dear, I think she did not want to tell anyone about the child because she was afraid it would not make it after all the struggles she had with you. Perhaps it was for the best she chose not to say anything, people would have hounded her with condolences and would have just made it more painful. Regardless, she never recovered fully from that and I think it caused her great pain up until her death. Perhaps it’s what killed her, she seemed healthy otherwise.”

“That is incredibly sad,” I murmured, “to be in pain all that time and suffering in silence. I wish I would have understood and been more attentive and loving to her.”

She reached over and lovingly moved my jet hair from my eyes, it was far too long now and I was in dire need of a haircut. “I think she preferred things the way they happened. She wanted you to have a happy, carefree childhood and you are such a sensitive soul that you likely would have spent a lot of time worrying over her. It is a mother’s plight, we give up little pieces of ourselves and swallow down our emotions for the betterment of our children, every mother does it and we do not regret that we have. Your mother adored you and loved watching you grow and learn, even though she had to do it a bit from afar, that is why I tried so hard to take over some of the duty of raising you for her. Besides, it made me feel like I was getting to raise my own children which brought me comfort.”

I tactfully kept quiet as she turned her head and pretended to do something with the water basin as a tear escaped her eyes. I knew her children were a sore subject with her, she really did put a lot of stock into being a mother and she felt broken by the fact that her own had been sent off to live with family while they grew up. I personally did not understand why the servants were not allowed to have their children with them, it seemed like it would make everyone happier and perhaps even work better with their families kept whole, but it had been a stringent rule that my father rarely bent on. Considering what I knew of and remembered about him, I was fairly certain he could barely tolerate children and I only got a pass because I was his own blood. If I ever could get put on the throne it was something I that I would strongly consider changing early on.

“Anyway, that is all in the past now.” She had wiped her face and restored her expression to something that was not as pained. “Was there anything specific you wanted to know about your mother?”

“I mostly am interested in where she came from and how she came to be betrothed to my father, but you probably do not know much about either of those things.” I used my arms to pull myself a bit farther up on the pillows, without the use of my legs I kept sinking down as I sat and the farther down I sank the harder it was to fight the lure of sleep.

“I only know the gossip that her family is witches that keep company with demons and other nasty, evil things. It is not something I was ever inclined to go looking for information about, it is never a good idea to go out searching through things with evil attached, you end up getting sucked in and before you know it you have sold your soul as well. As for their betrothal, I only know that she came to your father with little dowry or pageantry, your father must have really wanted to marry her to ignore all the riches and political gain that comes from a marriage.”

“I would like to know more about her family one day, even if all I can get it from is books and word of mouth. I have no one left of my blood around, perhaps if I could even just meet me sister just once.” Techincally there was no reason for me to doubt what my aunt had told me about the dark and disgusting side of my family, but I did hold out hope that it had only been lies to better control me. Perhaps if I did my own investigation one day I would find out that they were just some normal family who was a bit estranged from everyone else. There was a gnawing bit of certainty in the pit of stomach that warned me not to hang my hope on it being a false narrative, but I wanted to ignore it for now and pretend that there might be a happy reunioned possibly in the future.

“I sincerely wish that you do not end up completing that desire, no good is going to come of that.” She adjusted the cloth on my forehead that had slipped while I had moved positions. “Just trust my intuition on this, it has no served me wrong yet, meeting your sister would be a horrible idea and I would fear for your well being. You have to keep yourself safe as our future king first and foremost. Your father and mother were stubbornly against the idea of officially removing your sister from the line of succession. He did not want to out of the idea that if someone happened to you that at least part of his blood could remain on the throne and your mother still longed to have her idealized version of her daughter back. You need to keep in mind that if I am right and she is still as ill tempered and ambitious as she was when she was little that she wouldn't give a second thought in doing something evil to take the throne for herself."

"Surely things have changed since she was little," I argued, "she will have grown and learned about the way of things. She was maybe too young before to understand that the title of heir always goes to the first born male, regardless of if a girl is born first. It is just the way of things and how it is always done, surely as she has aged logic and reason has taken over."

"You are a dreamer, your mother was one too, plese just remember my warnings against ever giving her a single chance. If she somehow shows up at your door, you turn her away no matter what feelings of kinship you may feel."

Before I could argue with her further, the door to my chamber opened and her daughter peaked her head around the door. “The watchmen have said that there are two riders on the horizon,” she reported dutifully. "They look to be about a half hour away at most, they are riding hard for the gates. The guards are preparing to have the gates open and the bridge down before they arrive to make sure they get to the room as quickly as possible."

“Oh that’s wonderful news,” the nursemaid said with a relieved sigh, “that must be the healer with whomever he is fetching to help you. It is about time, I find it hard to believe he allowed you to sit unattended for this long. It feels a bit reckless for you to have been left in my care for so long, I am good at birthing children, but nothing else healing related.”

“He did say that he did not know exactly where she was at the moment, perhaps it took a bit to find her. He did seem very concerned and wanted to make sure everything is done as quickly as possible."

“I suppose,” she grumped, “still when the future king is in peril the healer should not just walk away for any length of time, he should have sent someone else.”

I did not know the healers exact reasoning, but I did know that he had been very concerned about what had been going on and that he believed time was of the essence. I assumed that the risk of him leaving me for a bit was less than the risk for if he sat and waited for someone else to try to find her. There was no use trying to make an argument to the nursemaid about his motives however, she was thinking with her emotions and not with her logic.”

“Do you need me to still keep watch?” her daughter asked quietly, casting me nervous glances. I wondered just how near death I looked for her to be looking at me with such concern and alarm.

“No you have done your part.” She beckoned to her daughter to enter the room. “Come sit with our young lord while I go freshen the water again, keep him company and occupied while I’m away. Do not let him fall asleep, if he does, scream for me and I will come running.”

The girl’s face lost the remainder of it’s color, but she nodded and took her mother’s seat at my side after she had left. She looked me up and down with worry, giving an unsure and shy smile. She looked very much like the image I had of what the nursemaid used to look like when I was young, but a child version. The biggest thing different about her was her thin, delicate nose, she must have gotten it from her father’s side because the nurse’s nose was the opposite of thin and delicate, it was squished slightly against her face and took up what many would consider to be too much of it.

“Umm hi,” she said quietly, “nice to see you again.”

“Indeed, under slightly better circumstances this time.” My forehead felt hot all of a sudden despite the cloth still perched upon it. I was really embarrassed for how I had made my first introduction to her, even though I had been in peril, it just wasn’t worthy of a royal.

“It’s no worries about that, I would have probably freaked out even more,” she said reassuringly. “I think you were still very noble about the whole thing.”

“I disagree, but thank you for saying that anyway. What is your name?”

“Oh my name! I never told you, I’m so sorry, it’s Clara.”

“Clara,” I repeated, “that’s a nice name.”

“Thank you my lord.”

“You may call me Florin.” I have no idea what came over me when I gave her permission to use my given name. It was a taboo thing for most servants to do, her mother was an exception as the person who raised me, but for anyone else it was absolutely unheard of. Perhaps I just wanted to feel close to someone else, I had felt utterly isolated for so long that all human contact felt special and like I wanted as much as I could get.

“Florin,” she repeated so quietly that I could barely hear her, “you’ll have to excuse me if I refuse to use your name around anyone else, but it is such an honor that you will allow me to call you that.”