Armwrestle’s dad scratched his beard, causing a shower of bioluminescent ticks to fall out. ‘So,’ he said. ‘The fire guy says we’re gonna get executed. We gonna escape or what?’

Heartburn stood, slack-jawed. Jabbing a finger at Armwrestle’s dad, he stammered, ‘Y… Y… Y… YOU’RE ELBOWGREASE! AFTER ALL THESE YEARS! YOU'RE ELBOWGREASE!’

Elbowgrease pulled a beer out of ear canal and cracked it open. ‘That’s my name,’ he said, taking a sip. Suddenly, he spat the beer out and swore. ‘YOU’RE HEARTBURN!’ he exclaimed.

Thinking back to chapter fifteen, Legcramp remembered that Heartburn’s pursuit of Elbowgrease was what led him to Earth in the first place. Legcramp patted himself on the back for his great memory.

Heartburn took a deep breath and regained his composure. ‘Out of all the times I could have run into you, of course it has to be now. The Norns have a frustrating sense of humor.’

‘So, uh, we good?’ Elbowgrease asked.

Heartburn scowled so hard a vein in his forehead popped, sending a stream of blood shooting out. ‘No,’ he growled. ‘We are not good. In the interest of self-preservation, however, I will leave our matters to be settled… later.’

Elbowgrease hiccupped and emptied the rest of his beer can. Vampires couldn’t actually get drunk, but it seemed Elbowgrease was trying his best to disprove that. ‘Works for me,’ he slurred. ‘Hey, anyone got another beer?’

Armwrestle leaned in close to Legcramp and said in a low voice. ‘Guy’s been trying to get drunk ever since humans started drinking alcohol.’

‘He looks pretty drunk to me,’ Legcramp whispered back.

‘Placebo effect,’ Armwrestle said.

‘AY!’ Elbowgrease exclaimed. ‘There’s my favorite grandson!’

‘I’m not your grandson,’ said the Apocalypse Man. ‘And please let go of me.’

‘He seems like an… okay guy,’ Legcramp whispered. ‘Why was Heartburn after him?’

Armwrestle snorted. ‘Dude killed the entire limb tribe, ran to Earth, then turned the first human he saw into his vampire minion. If that’s not enough reason to send a Vindicator after him then I don’t know what is.’

‘Hey, don’t be like that,’ said Elbowgrease, who had snuck up behind them. ‘You liked being my minion, didn’t you?’

Armwrestle crossed her arms. ‘I spent the entire Bronze Age trying to escape from you, so no.’

Elbowgrease shrugged. ‘Whatever, nerd. I’m gonna go back and hang out with my giant friend.’

The Apocalypse Man was sweating nervously.

Heartburn gave a sharp exhale, then said, ‘There may be bad blood between us, but we all share a common enemy. Bodacious Barry.’

‘Who?’ asked Elbowgrease.

Heartburn ignored him. ‘And the first step to defeating Barry is to escape this cell. For that, I have a plan.’

Legcramp raised a hand. ‘Is it to punch our way out?’

Heartburn blinked. ‘That is an oversimplification but… yes. We will punch our way out.’

‘Hey, you guys gonna try and escape?’ Fireman asked.

The vampires jumped. Fireman had a habit of appearing out of nowhere. ‘Well, sorry to burst your collective bubbles,’ he said, ‘but there’s been a schedule change. You’re all being executed right now. Congratulations!’

‘I want a lawyer,’ said Heartburn.

‘Helios has a law degree, and he says you’re all guilty,’ Fireman said. ‘Sorry.’

Several other plasma people popped out of thin air, appearing behind each prisoner. ‘Now, if you’ll come with us…’ Fireman said.

‘Everyone! The plan!’ Heartburn shouted.

Legcramp punched the ground. The spherical prison instantly split in two.

‘Oh no!’ shouted Fireman. ‘They’re doing the thing we should have logically expected them to do! GET THEM!’

As it turned out, the massive spherical prison was helpfully located on the very outer hull of the plasma people’s flagship. On a rush of escaping air, the vampires (and Apocalypse Man) shot out into the vacuum below, or above depending on how they were aligned with the ecliptic plane. They tumbled head over heels, catching glimpses of the entire fleet mobilizing to seize them. By shooting out small jets of blood, Legcramp managed to steady himself. His eyes widened as he saw what lay below them. The smooth, cream coloured ball growing rapidly closer could only be one planet. Venus. It seemed they had broken out at quite the opportune time. Once the others had steadied themselves, Heartburn pointed at Venus and said something that might’ve been GO DOWN. Legcramp couldn’t tell exactly, as sound obviously could not transmit in space.

‘SURRENDER NOW AND WE’LL GIVE YOU EACH A BACKRUB BEFORE YOUR EXECUTIONS!’ the speakers on the plasma people’s flagship blared.

Legcramp aimed his head at Venus, then forced a powerful jet of blood out the soles of his feet, rocketing himself forward. The other vampires had the same idea, and the Apocalypse Man had somehow figured out how to paddle through the fabric of space-time with his crazy sword. They shot towards the planet at a speed comparable to the fastest human spaceships.

‘ARE YOU SURRENDERING?’ asked the speakers. ‘IT’S KINDA DIFFICULT TO TELL FROM HERE. RAISE… RAISE YOUR LEFT HANDS IF YOU’RE SURRENDERING.’

No one raised their hands.

‘IS… IS THAT A NO? CAN YOU HEAR ME? IS THIS THING ON?’

Venus was quickly approaching. Soon, Legcramp would see his ancestral homeland for the first time. They entered the planet’s outer atmosphere and lost sight of each other in the thick fog. It was warm, and a little bit burny. Soon enough, however, the clouds gave way to reveal... even more clouds. These ones were even hotter and burnier. It wasn’t until he was almost about to hit it did Legcramp see the planet's rocky, beaten surface for the first time. He was underwhelmed, to say the least. It was much hotter than he had been led to believe, and he could feel all the Earth bacteria riding on him shrivelling up. Then, instead of hitting the ground like he had expected, Legcramp flew headfirst into a giant crack in the side of a mountain. Darkness engulfed him for a time, and then he hit water.

The other vampires (and Apocalypse Man) splashed down beside Legcramp shortly afterward. They were in an expansive underground lake, lit only by a spotlight from a modest stone temple some ways away.

‘They’ll be coming for us,’ said Heartburn. ‘We should make base at that temple and devise a plan of escape.’

The others had no objections. After waiting for their bones to unshatter from impacting the water at supersonic speeds, they swam to the rocky shore the temple sat on. As they climbed onto the small jetty beside it, a thundering boom echoed overhead. The ground rumbled violently and great rocks began to fall from the ceiling high above.

‘GET INSIDE!’ roared Heartburn.

Wasting no time, they hopped up the slippery rocks, dashed through the temple’s busted door, then froze just in the doorframe. Inside were two vampires Legcramp didn’t recognize, and, to his astonishment, Neckbrace and Skeleton.

‘Uhhhh…’ said Legcramp.

‘Uhhhh…’ said Neckbrace.

Heartburn seemed even more shocked. He turned to the others with wide, bloodshot eyes, a manic grin on his face.

‘Oh…’ he squeaked. ‘What luck.’