As it turned out, the SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSFSSSSSSSSSSSSS’ western facility was located in Mount Rushmore 2, a secretly constructed monument depicting America’s true reptilian overlords, rather than the human presidents of the first version. The facility’s interior was a little more nuclear apocalypsey compared to the last time Legcramp had been there, but otherwise it was surprisingly intact. The only effectively destroyed part was The Dome, which had leaked extradimensional nightmares throughout the facility. The hulking undead creature had also escaped and was building adorable log cabins across the wasteland outside. Heartburn led them through the facility’s hallways, atomizing any mutant or shoggoth that shambled into their path. Eventually they reached the door to the time machine room. The label on the door must have been incorrect, however, as there was no time machine inside.

Heartburn crossed his arms with a huff. ‘Well, that’s annoying.’

‘What now?’ asked Armwrestle.

‘We could attempt to take on The Enemy by ourselves,’ said Heartburn. ‘But I fear even with our combined vampiric power, Bodacious Barry would overwhelm us. We could check the paradox room and hope a version of the time machine from another timeline is stored in there, I suppose.’

Armwrestle shrugged. ‘Guess we’ve got nothing to lose.’

‘I’m afraid there is no time machine in the paradox room,’ said someone else.

The three vampires spun around to see another vampire blocking the door behind them. The vampire was tall and covered with jet black tattoos. He seemed familiar but Legcramp couldn’t remember how.

‘You’re the quiet guy!’ said Armwrestle.

‘Nosebleed, yes,’ said the vampire. ‘Ordinarily I would not speak to Earth-born scum, but seeing as you are accompanied by a vindicator, I will make an exception.’ Nosebleed turned to Legcramp. ‘And also because I have business with the child.’

Legcramp looked left and right, then gulped when he realized Nosebleed was probably talking about him. So much for his attempt to look grown-up.

‘When you set off those explosives, I was preparing to initiate my own global genocide,’ explained Nosebleed. ‘I am bored, and you have stolen my one chance at entertainment. Now you must perish.’

Legcramp held up his hands in defense. ‘Can’t you just watch Parks and Rec—‘

Nosebleed’s fist hit harder than anything Legcramp had felt before. As soon as the knuckles brushed Legcramp’s cheek, his entire head flew off, smashed against the wall, and burst into a fine red paste. He grew a new head just in time to see Heartburn grappling with Nosebleed.

‘Very sorry, but I’m afraid I need these vampires to fight The Enemy!’ Heartburn said.

‘Stay out of this, vindicator!’ Nosebleed replied, breaking free of Heartburn's grasp and jumping backward. Nosebleed roared, then his head detached from his neck and shot forward, a hyper-elongated spine trailing behind. Nosebleed’s jaws opened disgustingly wide, then clamped shut over Heartburn’s nose.

‘AGH, MY NOSE!’ said Heartburn as Nosebleed’s head retracted back.

Heartburn waited the split second for his nose to regrow, then began breathing in mass amounts of air. The room became a near vacuum as Heartburn’s lungs filled to capacity. A blue glow and the scent of delicious curry emanated from Heartburn’s chest. Nuclear fusion. Heartburn was fusing the atoms of the air within his body. In two seconds flat, Heartburn had created iron out of the air he had breathed in. He quickly absorbed the excess energy into his muscles and then spat a glob of molten metal at Nosebleed’s head. The liquid hit with a sizzling hiss. Nosebleed staggered backward, desperately attempting to rip it off his face. The iron cooled rapidly, encasing the vampire’s head in solid metal. Before Heartburn could follow up with another attack, however, Nosebleed thought really hard about the plot of Neon Genesis Evangelion, causing his brain to superheat and melt the iron. Nosebleed shook his head faster than the speed of sound. The ensuing shockwave shot bullets of molten iron in a spray around him, punching holes in the reinforced walls. Legcramp and Armwrestle were about to join the fray when two more vampires burst through the weakened walls and grabbed them from behind. Legcramp twisted around to see the vampire’s face. It was Nosebleed. Another Nosebleed. The vampire that had grabbed Armwrestle was also Nosebleed. Several more Nosebleeds burst through the time machine room’s door. Another dozen Nosebleeds exploded through the floor, grabbing the ankles of Heartburn.

‘You want to know where the time machine is?’ Nosebleed, the first Nosebleed that is, said. ‘I took it. Once I had seen the destruction you caused, I stole the time machine with the intent of reversing things to the way they were, but then I arrived at a better conclusion. I went back in time and found myself. Then the other me stole the time machine from that timeline and went to another timeline and got the me from that timeline…’

For the next thirty minutes, Nosebleed elaborately described how he had exploited the vague and inconsistent mechanics of time travel to amass an army of three million versions of himself.

‘Okay,’ said Legcramp, growing annoyed by the Nosebleeds grappling him. ‘Can you please get to the point? I’m getting a cramp here. Get it? Because my name is—’

He was interrupted by every Nosebleed in the room laughing simultaneously. Legcramp thought they were laughing at his joke at first, but then the Nosebleeds began speaking as one.

‘The Earth is only the beginning. We will multiply until we engulf the planet, then we will engulf the entire Solar System, and it will be FUN!’

‘Then the entire galaxy?’ Legcramp asked.

‘No, that would just be ridiculous,’ the Nosebleeds responded. ‘We have to keep our ambitions realistic, after all.’

‘What of The Enemy?’ said Heartburn as he struggled against the vampires dog piled on top of him. ‘How can you hope to defeat Bodacious Barry?’

‘I think you have some serious hang-ups about this Barry guy,’ said Armwrestle. ‘Is he even a vampire?’

‘Well, no,’ said Heartburn. ‘But—‘

‘Is he a human?’

‘Yes…. But…. But you CANNOT UNDERESTIMATE HIM!’

‘Why?’ asked Legcramp. ‘What’s so dangerous about him?’

Heartburn looked away. ‘You wouldn’t understand. It is beyond your comprehension.’

The Nosebleeds spoke again, ‘If you are all finished with this meaningless talk, we would like to get onto discussing the matter of throwing you all into the Sun.’