*DING!*

Five more minutes skill active! You are now under the skill influence. You feel sleepy…

Joe’s head lolled back and sunk into his pillow. His eyes closed and he drifted away.

*DING!*

Five more minutes skill active! You are now under the skill influence. You feel sleepy…

It was so warm in here. So comfortable. The fluffy blanket resting atop him drooled and snored a bit but… he could live with that. The blanked was quite nicely shaped, especially in the bottom part. His eyes closed.

*DING!*

Five more minutes skill active! You are now under the skill influence. You feel sleepy…

Who would want to get up anyway… so soft… His consciousness slowly faded away.

*DING!*

Five more minutes skill active! You are now under the skill influence. You feel sleepy…

“What the hell!?”

He forced his eyes open and sat up. His body felt as if he slept for a couple months, not mere hours.

*DING!”

Five more minutes skill activation Failed. Boohoo, no more mushi-mushi for ya.

Joe rubbed his face and got up.

“Great, another one of those…”

His back hurt. His chest hurt. His shlong hurt. His HP dropped and His fatigue did not decrease at all. He made a mental note to put a lid on the Knot skill. That thing was dangerous.

Neira snored, her blissful face suggested she might have a different opinion. He checked her status screen. The changes were there and… he suddenly got second thoughts. The new class he concocted, fit her perfectly. Even a little too well for his personal comfort. Eh, what’s done is done.

He hauled his sorry ass to bathroom only to realize there was no bathroom.

Resigned, he pulled on his pants and went for the little room, detached from the inn and set quite a bit away from it.

“Busy night I see.”

Savile intercepted him along the way.

“Get lost, I’m not coherent enough at the moment to handle anything more advanced than a fart.”

He closed himself inside the latrine and barricaded the door before she could add anything else.

“That I can smell from out here. By the way, you might consider taking a fast dip in the nearest river, Wash off the excitement of the night…”

Joe took a whiff, he did stank. Kind of.

“You think that will help?”

“Help what? Avoid fancy stares from the locals? Too late for that. The whole village already heard her moaning last night. Although, I really would do without that cloud of passion following you everywhere.”

Fuck.

“Where’s that river?”

“A little walk south of the village. Freeloader can take you there. After that, the village elders want to speak with you.”

“Do I need to?”

“Yes, ding-ding, says it’s quest related.”

He let out a long and elaborate fart. A fitting description of what he felt.

“I’ll take that as my que.”

She walked away, upwind. Joe let out one more, this time quite a bit resigned fart. And all he ever wanted in life was peace and quiet. And somebody to bang from time to time and… at least some toilet paper. Fuck.

Thank havens for item box.

With that business taken care of, he stretched his body. It was time to test his new abilities.

First of all, he flicked through his status screen, seventeen hours and forty three minutes left before he would need to take a nap.

“Now, let’s apply this…”

Installing new class for his demi shaved off most of his hard earned skill points but still a few left. Not that many to buy anything overpowered but sufficient enough to get at least two passive skills.

Joe opened the console and moved to the skill shop. He had rigged it so the console remained as one of his sage skills even though he left the domain of that slimy… his spiritual butthole hurt on the mere memory.

“Seems like those two will have to do for now.”

“DING!”

Skill memory compression acquired! Reduce the space required to store a single memory. Memory capacity increased x2

“DING!”

Skill Map acquired! Passive scanning of the area.

“Not what I hoped for but, Not that bad either.”

Even at the lowest level the skill doubled the time available to him. As for the other one, Joe flipped the imaginary switch and at the edge of his vision a transparent map appeared. He pulled it closer and studied what it showed.

The total range of the map looked no more than several miles of terrain view and about three hundred feet radius of the more detailed immediate area. Including the color-coded signature dots of living beings he knew from the games.

Right now there were about three green dots surrounded by a multitude of blue ones. If he focused his attention on any of the dots, more information’s appeared. For the dots he actually knew , that is. The ones he did not know, spawned an array of question marks and nothing more.

Right in the center of the map, a golden triangle designated his position, with one of the tips pointing in the direction Joe looked.

He turned and instantly, the triangle turned as well.

“That is sure to save me money on maps from now on. Not bad either.”

Zooming out allowed Joe to see “Patchwork” interacting with “Twiggy”, the follower of that crazy geezer. “Bedwarmer”, well, warming up a bed and “Freeloader” sulking somewhere behind the town gate.

A red dot appeared near her then moved towards and…

*DING!*

Through the use of Experience siphon, 10 exp acquired!

Well, at least she did her job. Confirming the location of the after mentioned river, He set off towards the town’s gate.

“You done?”

Freeloader jumped at his voice then turned, sword pointing at her master.

“Watch were you aim that thing. It has slime gunk all over it. It doesn’t wash off.”

“Who are you! And what are you doing in this village! Speak!”

Was she crying? Puffy eyes and runny nose told him so. Great, Joe hated when fuck toys did that. He let out a sigh.

“Kneel.”

Her knees buckled beneath her and her body prostrated itself before him. Of course he could go with pleasantries and the longsome introductions but this way was much faster and more efficient.

“Does that answer satisfy you?”

“Y-yes… p-please forgive me… m-master.”

He cancelled the order.

“Did the patchwork explain anything to you?”

She shook her head. That insolent, useless, pervert. Joe rubbed his temple.

“To make the long story short, shit happened, lots’a people died, more shit happened. You are now my property. Temporarily.”

He flicked through the status screen.

“I can’t free you. I can’t sell you. I can’t make you my permanent possession. I can’t order you to die or commit murder. Aside from that anything goes.”

Somehow he omitted that he was obliged to provide her with food, shelter and adequate care should she become sick or injured. Oh, no forced hump-hump either.

“If you wont fuck around and annoy me, all the freedom you want you get. If I’m not around, you obey the furballs. Within reason, that is. Anything you feel I should know, you tell me. Anything you feel I shouldn’t know, you tell me even sooner.”

Was there something else… oh, that’s right.

“I suck at fighting. Don’t expect me to come save you. During combat you defer to Savile and her judgment. You’re stuck with us until we sort out this clusterfuck of a quest and I do intend to use you during that time. After that we’ll see. Questions?”

“No, Sir!”

The woman slapped her fist against her leather chest in a salute as she came to attention in front of him. If only the other two had at least an ounce of her military upbringing…

“Come on, you got yourself the babysitting duty.“

Morning went and midday came while they walked.

“Sir?”

“Yes, I stink. Yes, we are going to do something about it. Go walk upwind if you must.”

“That’s… not what I wanted to ask.”

Though, she changed her position and now walked behind him.

“I was wondering… you were at the gate when it happened…”

“They are dead.”

Joe cut her off.

“Whatever you are hoping to hear, goblins blew up that part of town. We survived only because we were further away.”

And because they had a tank with ludicrous amount of CON at the time when it happened.

“I… I see.”

She did not sob, but Joe could see her rubbing her face more often now. He left it at that. With some things people had to deal on their own. He wasn’t the hugging and back patting type but he had enough decency in his veins to console her if she ever would show the need. Flipping through his item box, he found some incense and wine then transferred that alongside some gold into freeloader’s possessions.

“Go speak with that twiggy priestess when we get back. Ask her to offer some prayers.”

“Sir… Thank you sir!”

Ignoring her puppy eyes, Joe walked on.

The river turned out to be no more than a mud puddle in a dried out riverbed. Smelly mud puddle.

“Something tells me bathing in that wont do me much favor.”

“YOU MIGHT BE RIGHT ABOUT THAT.”

Death stood by his arm. With a flick of her fingers, something stuck down in the muck, left this earth. Her pale face appeared even more pale than ever.

“Done already? “

“YES. AS DISAPPOINTING AS IT MAY BE, A CERTAIN TEMPLATE RECENTLY RECEIVED A SUBSTANTIAL DONATION WHICH MIGHT HAVE DISSUADED A CERTAIN INVOLVED DEITY FROM SPREADING HER WRATH. AS SUCH, MY SERVICES WERE NO LONGER REQUIRED.”

“I see. What about the “other” issue?”

“NO COMPLAINS THERE. YOUR CHANGES WERE LEGALLY SOUND. YOU MAY PROCEED, ALTHOUGH, PERHAPS A BATH WOULD BE IN ORDER.”

Death walked away, upwind.

Joe let out a sigh and turned around. Patchwork just earned herself a week in a muzzle. Wait, no. She may actually enjoy that. Scrap that, she will… dammit. Just how on earth do you punish a perverted nymphomaniac with buck loads of CON and pain resistance of a tank.

A month of abstinence shall do her good. Yep. That’s it.

“We wasted enough time. Let’s go... what are you doing?”

Pale and sweating, the warrior stood surveying the nearest bush, hand tightly wrapped around the hilt of her sword. Joe’s voice shook her, she jogged back to him, casting troubled looks behind her.

“Sir… nothing sir…”

Walking several paces behind her , hopefully temporary master, she battled with her thoughts. That couldn’t be what she thought it was. Could it? Certainly not. She must have imagined it…

Once again, the noise repeated itself behind them.

“Master…”

“What is it?”

She swallowed, how do you break such news to your superior? She decided to go with truth.

“W-we are being f-followed.”

“So?”

“A-a toolshed has been following us ever since we left the city.”

“Aha. So?”

Something large and scary let out a terrified shriek somewhere behind them as something even larger and scarier did something exceedingly bad to it. Unfortunately for Joe, he knew what kind of bodily appendage could make someone scream like that. He shook his head in dismay of a parent of an unruly child.

“Wait here.”

He ordered his (temporary) slave and went on towards the shed.

“You know, we had a deal. I do your priestly thingy and you don’t meddle.”

“…y-you are m-mistaken. I’m j-just an ordinary t-toolshed.”

Familiar tiny voice came from within.

“Yeah, yeah and I can fly. Go home and wait or I’ll tell D what you’ve been up to.”

Gore and guts of something pacified by a clumsy tentacle, dripped down the side of the shed.

“B-buuu….”

Sobbing and sniffling toolshed. Not a sight you see every day.

“And all I ever wanted was a bath…”

“Oh. Oh! I can help with that!”

The shed door flung ajar for a brief moment, releasing a torrent of tentacles that wrapped themselves around Joe. Seconds later he was dragged back in and the door closed itself, sealing his fate.

Paralyzed with fear, Alia stood and listened to the screams of her (temporary) master, followed by a long slurping noise and then silence. Deadly silence.

Slowly, the door to the shed creaked open again, reveling Joe in all slimy glory. Sans any clothing.

He passed her by with a face of a man that looked death in the eye and then saw something much worse.

“Master?”

“Don’t. Ask. Just…. Don’t.”