In a place where time and space did not matter, a goddess lay sprawled amongst the pillows. A scowl marred her beauty beyond what words could describe. Annoyed she, pressed her hands against her ears. Why wouldn’t they shut up! She would kill them all, erase all of those pests just to savor the silence.

But it could not be. No. Those little mumbling cockroaches were the source of her power. She could not erase them. Not without erasing herself. But why wouldn’t they shut up!

They had their priests and priestesses, monks and all in between that served her. Why wouldn’t they go to them, pay the gold and be done with their needs?!

No, those insolent bugs had to torture her with their constant mumbling…

Why the hell would she care about somebody’s health or safe journey? Your puppy’s sick? Put it out of its misery and stop bothering me!

Cursing all the humanity, she banished another soul towards eternal exile.

At the same time, somewhere far, far away in a place where light never reached. In a place where darkness condensed so much that it liquified and covered everything in a slimy ooze. A tiny voice sang a quiet song in a language no longer in use. Language nobody understood anymore. Soo old the song was. Older than the voice itself.

But at some point, the song would end making way for lonesome silence. In that silence, a large tentacle would brush away a tear from the single eye. The one who had written the song perished before her very own eyes. Years and years ago.

“Beautiful. What was it?”

A Strong male voice suddenly shattered the silence.

“Eeeek!”

Startled mass of tentacles and other unmentionables jumped up and darkness jumped up with it. Blinded by sudden brightness, Joe covered his eyes.

“I brought back your potato.”

He stretched out his arm with a large and still steaming tuber.

“Oh… It’s you…”

Darkness returned and with it a whole set of unmentionables. One of the tentacles rubbed against him like a puppy greeting his owner.

“Um. You should keep it. You may need it soon. Anyway,”

Something large moved towards him. For the first time in his life, Joe felt thankful that humans did not possess night vision.

“How did you get in here? This place is off limits to mortals.”

Akin to a pointed finger, another tentacle poked his chest.

“Technically speaking, I am immortal. Well, my soul is.”

And quite recently it didn’t stick to his body like it used to. All thanks to a certain scythe.

“A loophole! Nice!”

Something pat him on the shoulder. Judging by the amount of slime it left… Joe let out a sigh. All this gunk couldn’t be good for his soul.

“But it still doesn’t explain how you got here.”

“I prayed.”

“Oh… So that why it itched me all morning… In that case,”

The voice in the darkness cleared its throat. Joe’s imagination painted him a view of monstrous jaws filled to the brim with bloodied… He pushed the thought away.

“Welcome my faithful servant! What brings you here?”

“I’d like to quit.”

“W-what?! You can’t quit!”

Did he hear a bit of fear in that voice?

“Yes, I can and I quit. All that mambo jumbo and infighting between gods and…”

He just lacked a word to describe the thing lurking in darkness right in front of him.

“Let’s just say all this piled up stress is bad for my nerves and my stomach. I am not cut for this.”

He placed the potato inside the grasp of a tentacle that fidgeted nearby. Saving empires, playing hero messiah… Nah. Nope. Not happening. Too bothersome.

 “I quit.”

“B-But you can’t!”

“Why?”

“BECAUSE I SAY SO.”

A third voice joined in. One that had the power to silence any other voice. A voice that made paint crumble and flake off a wall.

“Hello D. What brings you here?”

DEATH looked up, up, up and up somewhere above her. A solitary eye met her gaze.

“OFFICIAL BUSINESS. I AM QUITE PLEASED BY THE RESULT OF YOUR TEST RUN.”

She addressed Joe. Even in complete, most desperate darkness, her black robe clearly contrasted with her surroundings. And those eyes…

“What kind of business? I still have plenty of HP left.”

“And I am quite sure I have not stepped on anyone in a while. I think.”

Joe heard a rustle of tentacles speedily checking whether something or someone had the bad luck of finding itself underneath a black slimy death.

“I CAME TO LEGALIZE YOUR PARTNERSHIP. I HEREBY DECLARE YOU A SAGE AND A…”

She paused looking for a fitting word.

“…A TENTACLE.”

“Oh. Oh! Really?! They recognized it?!”

“YES. YOU ARE OFFICIALLY KNOWN AS A NINTH DEITY WITH ONE SUBSCRIBED FOLLOWER. SINCE THERE NEVER BEEN ONE BEFORE, YOU HAVE SOME LEEWAY IN WHAT YOU DO OR HOW YOU DO IT.“

“AS FOR YOU,”

Joe shuddered.

“THE GIRL YOU SAVED FROM ETERNAL BANISHMENT SENDS HER DEEPEST GRATITUDE. CONTINUE DOING THAT AND YOU MAY TIP THE BALANCE TOWARDS YOUR FAVOR. NOW, IF YOU’LL EXCUSE ME.”

Well. Could have been worse. They could set him up to fight against a demon lord or something. Resigned, Joe took back the steaming potato.

“You know, it’s not just work. There are perks to that job.”

Something slimy patted his shoulder in a comforting manner.

“You’ll get easy access to fresh body parts. That should be a plus for a necromancer like you.”

He cringed at that.

“Do I look like a delusional teenager? Leveling that profession has the least priority on my list. Even a corpse deserves some respect. ”

“Is that so? Then what of the woman you’re carrying around, reduced to an item in your inventory. Does she not deserve respect?”

Joe grit his teeth. Helping her was beyond his skills.

“Human of little faith. Give me her soul.”

The voice stretched out a tentacle. He wanted to protest but before he managed to utter a word, the tentacle sunk into his soul. Joe screamed. Something slimy violated his soul and ripped out a piece the soul of that elf had become.

*DING*

Notice! The soul of Nepheralllanthiephloila el Tarrral vale Dahpharesssieris is no longer in your possession.

“Look.”

Panting on his knees, Joe raised his head. In front of him, a ball of golden light shined in the grasp of a tentacle.

“You who sleeps within. Come forth.”

The light shuddered and slowly formed into the shape of a girl.

“Do you want to live?”

The heavy question fell upon her.

“..Yes.”

“Bring out her body…”

“No!”

The girl screamed hugging herself.

“I will not return into t-that, that… THING!”

And he knew why. He knew what they did to her. Every night, every time he closed his eyes, her memories and her feelings seeped into his soul.

“Very well then. Go, choose your own destiny.”

A tentacle poked the girl’s forehead, sending a wave of light through her. In a bright flash, the elf turned into a cloud of golden butterflies and left.

“What… did… you… do…”

Joe still had trouble breathing. If a soul could breathe at all?

“I’ve used up my free miracle and send her back into the stream of souls. By the way, would you mind not telling D. about what you just saw? She’d get very, very angry again. Something about “all souls must be accounted for” and all that… Please?”

He sat up on something slimy. His chest hurt.

“Saw? Saw what? I saw nothing.”