Non-virgin virgin.

“That came out of nowhere,” I said in response to Window suddenly appearing in front of me after we all teleported over to Mariet’s haunted castle.

It’s been a while since I’ve called you that, and I want to trigger everybody who thought I might have finally let that joke die, so I’m bringing it back, you non-virgin virgin.

“Good.”

Wait… good? How is that good? You’re not supposed to like it!

“But it’s an inside joke between us. Why wouldn’t one of our things coming back be good?”

I—I guess that’s true.

“Oh no.” I pulled out the most sarcastic, monotone voice I could. “My informational status wife remembered an old joke of ours and is still keeping it alive. How horrible. Whatever will I do.”

Okay, you don’t need to be sarcastic, I get—

wait.

what

what did you call me

“My informational status wife?”

bu-but we’re gresdgrewsdwhgbtrewshgb5t4rewhyg534weygh54weygh5w4reygh5w43weygh5w34egh5rw43eg5vw43eghb5w4ehgb5tr4wehg5rwe

ahem.

But we’re… you know… not—not married…

“So? We already have a kid, I doubt we’re ever going to break up, we love each other, and we’re in a universe of our own rules. We already act like an old married couple anyways. What’s the problem if I call you my wife?”

LISTEN.

IT’S NOT GEHGDBTWEHGTW INOT-NOIT-NO-T THAT I DON’T LIKE BEING CALLED YOUR WIFE, ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU SAY IT SUCH A HECKING ADORABLE WAY LIKE INFORMATIONAL STATUS WIFE, BUTBTHERB THERE’S A PROCESS TO THIS SORT OF STUFF

YOU CAN’T JUST CALL ME IT OUT OF NOWHERE LIKE THAT

AND THI THIS ISN’T THEVHNETHGE HGTETHIS SITHVENVEIT ISN’T EVNE THE FIRST TIME YOU’VE DONE IT

WE

WE NEED TO ACTUALLY DO THIS THE PROPER WAY

I STILL WANT TO HAVE A MARRIAGE CEREMONY AND ALL THAT OK

IT’S GOING TO TAKE AWAY A LOT OF FUN FROM THE READERS, TOO, IF WE JUST SKIP STRAIGHT TO HUSBAND AND WIFE STAGE WITHOUT LETTING THEM LOOK FORWARD TO A WEDDING FIRST

bu-but don’t get me wrong or anything… i… i do like it… IT’S JUST THOBREO OOSNGOSOON AND WE NEED TO BUILD UP TO IT

I shrugged and sighed. “I don’t really understand, but you’re my informational status girlfriend, so I’ll let you have it your way.”

Even though I’m the one who forced it… I still feel like I’ve been downgraded…

“Then I have an idea.”

… what?

“This is our universe to do what we want, and that means we can change the definitions of words. From now on, girlfriends will be wives.”

but then what are wives?

“Super wives. A wife becomes a super wife when she gets married.”

…

…

that’s so stupid and it’s still probably going to take away the importance of calling a waifu a wife in the eyes of the readers… but… it makes me happy… and I don’t want to be downgraded to girlfriend after being called that, so… f-fine. Do—do whatever you want.

“You’d have to turn into your human form for that.”

wut

“You told me to do whatever I want, didn’t you?”

…

…

oh.

“Now who’s the non-virgin virgin, my informational status wife?”

G4R5W3EYH54W3EH5TB64WER HBTR4E BHNTYGERFSDHNBTGYRHNBTYRHBTER4HBNTERHNBTRN TRYNB RGYTHBNTHER4H5BT3EHBRT53EHB5E3HGB5RE3HGB5RE3H GB E34HGBR5E HBEHB5RTE34WHBR5TE4DHBTEBTEDSHBG5 3RWHGQBRTFEWS HBGTR WEHSBTED

I’M SO NERFING HOW HOT YOU ARE

Window disappeared after that.

I felt a pat on my back after that—or rather, a pat on my ass seeing as how that was on the same height level as Eliza while she was in her mini form. “You’re pretty smooth, boy.”

“I know,” I replied. It was true, after all. It was probably a bit egotistical to accept something like that how I did, but why deny the truth?

As for Eliza, she smirked up at me and said, “I’ve got to say, I love me a nice show of confidence. Anyways! Val, you ready?”

Vala’s ears twitched when she thought she was being called to, but she waited long enough before saying anything for Valkyria to make it obvious she was the one actually being spoken to. “Yes!” Valkyria answered. “But… I may have a problem.” Valkyria turned to look at me. “How—how do I turn back into my original form?”

I didn’t even consider that such a problem might pop up. “Can’t you just… think about it?”

“I—I tried.”

“Huh. Let me try something.”

I walked up to her, reached up to place my hand on her forehead, and concentrated.

I wasn’t entirely sure how I knew how to do that, but I assumed it had to do with everything that happened in the forest. In the same way that I knew how to alter the laws of reality, I now knew how to read the soul of another living being.

And from what I could tell by reading Valkyria’s soul… basically all that needed done was flipping a switch inside of her.

“Val,” I said, “pay attention to how this feels, not that I know for sure if it’s going to feel like anything. But I’m going to transform you for you, and if you pay attention to how it feels when I do it, you should be able to do it yourself. Maybe.”

“Copy!” Valkyria replied.

A second later and I flipped the “switch” within her soul to successfully transform her into a tank… while sending me back flying from her sudden size expansion. Fortunately, Lavi was there to jump in my path and catch me before holding me in her arms like I was her princess.

“Fufu, careful, Master,” Lavi said. “Can’t have ya getting hurt.”

Lavi was normally just cute in my eyes despite how much she tried to act cool and edgy… but I had to give it to her. “You’re badass, Lavi.”

She tried to look away after that as her cheeks turned a bit pink, but she forced herself to stay facing me. “H-heh. It’s about time I get to show off my cool side.”

“I’m not sure what I want to do more now: evil villain play or princess and knight play.”

“Prin—princess and knight play? Who’d be the princess?”

“Me.”

“Master, I’m… I—…” Her cheeks turned an even brighter shade of pink. “Why do I think you’d look great in a princess dress…”

“Confidence,” Eliza answered. “Somebody who is confident can look good in absolutely anything, even if it’s a macho bodybuilder in a girly princess dress with frills.”

Hearing that made me think of Conan and Catrir dressed up in frilly dresses.

That would be a fun way of messing with them.

“Lavi, I’ll be your villain or your princess whenever you want,” I said. “After all, you’re my badass wife. I want to see your cool side as much as I want to see your cute side.”

Lavi shut her mouth, letting her lips take the shape of a shaky, squiggly line that looked pretty adorable, and slowly let me down before turning her back to me. The wagging of her tail made it pretty obvious how happy she was, but she must have been trying to not to show me her full-on cute mode right after I said how much I wanted to see her cool side.

That was why I wrapped my arms around her, resting them over her abdomen, and whispered into her ear, “A wife who wants to protect her cool image for her husband is pretty badass, too.”

Lavi’s entire figure trembled against me when I whispered that, and it wasn’t from my hands since they weren’t touching her bare skin.

“You’re the coolest dark knight there is,” I continued, wanting to tease her even more.

“Fu—fufu, I—I… Ma-Masterrrr,” Lavi whined, finally breaking. “You’re making it hard to stay cool!”

“That’s alright.” I slid one hand up her abdomen toward her chest while my other hand slipped down a little farther toward her crotch. “Don’t forget I love your cute side just as much.” Since I was already whispering into her nearest ear, I went ahead and give it a little nibble on the side as well.

Lavi then went and let out the cutest, most erotic whimper that I ever heard from her.

I then let go of the panting, sweating Lavi so that she could have a chance to recover. “If it’s not obvious yet, I’ve decided I’ll stick with evil villain instead of princess for the evening.”

When Lavi turned her head to look at me over her shoulder, I couldn’t help but to give her a wink before returning my attention to the battlefield.

It was the second battle in the third zone for the undead region. 3-2. Only 3-2 and 3-3 were left before Mariet and Claire would be moving in with us… and before the castle in front of us was probably going to get blown up in a pseudo nuclear explosion similar to Clawdia’s former castle.

As for the battle’s heroes, they were going to technically include four people.

Lavi was going to be on her own to handle one of the lanes, and then the other lane was going to feature Valkyria being operated by Eliza and Luca. Those three technically only counted as one hero, though, so these four in total didn’t break the rule of only having two heroes.

And once Lavi calmed down again, the battle could finally begin.

Surely enough, it started with new enemies right out the gate. Literally out of the gate seeing as how they came down the lane through the gate within the castle walls.

New Enemy Discovered!

Barghest

Threat: ★★★★

HP: not that much.

Damage: not that much either, but they do DoT damage as described below.

Defense: A ton since they have all that armor and also huge shields and stuff.

Barghests are cute, but also scary, giant black dog monsters that bite people and then basically their bites can never be healed. It’s a permanent wound that will never stop no matter what. So if somebody gets bit, they’ll keep bleeding until they eventually die unless they’re somehow healed non-stop for the rest of their lives. But because this is just a game, anybody who gets hurt by a barghest will only suffer DoT damage from them until they “die,” and then the wound will be gone once they come back to the lane.

“But does it work against mechanical heroes? Like Valkyria? Or what about a robot—I mean, mecha, like Clawdia in her mecha?” I asked.

Hmm. Well, I guess it wouldn’t really make sense. I could probably justify it like… because it’s a magical bite, it’ll just… make them leak coolant or something that can’t be repaired until they die once, but that’d be kind of lame, plus people usually like to be rewarded by having certain heroes excel in different situations and stuff. So, Valkyria and Clawdia will be immune to bleeding effects like this, but maybe not all DoT effects.

“Deal. Next question. Can I use the power myself to bite Clawdia with a wound that constantly hurts her?”

Clawdia was a masochist, after all.

Aren’t you basically a god now who can do whatever you want?

“Oh. Right. Alright. I’ll give myself the power to give her a permanent hickey that never stops hurting and reminding her of its presence on her neck.”

>_>

kinda hot ngl.

anyways.

Speaking of the others, you didn’t choose who to send on an exploration. Who should I randomly yank out of whatever they’re doing to teleport them into an exploration?

“Honey and Cami. I want to see how they interact with each other.”

With that, Window vanished once more.

Now, similar to Honey, Valkyria counted as a ranged hero. That meant she could fire upon the barghest at a distance as they charged toward her, and she managed to wipe them all out with the explosive shots of her cannon before they could even get close to her. Though, to be fair, she did have help from the trebuchet and archer towers as well.

More of the usual enemies came after that first charge. Skeletons, zombie cats, evil slimes, bats—all those.

And as it would turn out… Valkyria felt like our strongest hero yet. Not only did her attacks do massive damage that could basically one-shot every enemy they hit, but they did AoE damage, too. That meant she could wipe out multiple enemies at a time. When some of them got slowed by the slime tower, resulting in half of a wave basically getting piled up on top of each other, she wiped them all out in an instant.

However, she wasn’t without her downsides.

Her rate of fire was really slow. Even the base trebuchet tower fired faster than her. Furthermore, while she might have been a ranged unit… she wasn’t able to target flying units like Honey could. She just wasn’t able to turn her barrel that high. So, she had zero way of defending herself against aerial units, her rate of fire was excessively slow, and she was also just slow overall when it came to her movement speed.

But she did incredible area damage, was immune to bleeding effects, and presumably would have high armor and health points.

Overall, I would say that she was probably overpowered, especially when using her like a proper tank. It was my understanding that tanks were generally pretty bad on their own. They needed supported by infantry columns. So, as long as there were slowing effects on the lanes and dogs to hold the line for her, she could absolutely destroy our enemies.

Having air superiority to defend her was also important, of course.

So, basically, as long as I used my tank wife how a tank was supposed to be used, she was overpowered.

I felt pretty confident leaving the battle in their hands with that.

“Lavi! Valkyria!” I shouted. “The rest is up to you! Throw our enemies into the pits of Hell and show them what true battlefield dominance looks like! Make them regret ever being brought back to life to face us!”

Valkyria nodded her barrel, Eliza and Luca popped out from the top together to give me a thumbs-up, and Lavi got fired.

“Fufu, alright, Master,” Lavi said. “I’ll show these supposed warriors of darkness what it means to be a real devil in the night.”

“You’re the coolest, Lavi!” I shouted.

Lavi blushed a little again, but her tail wagged even faster as she charged into the enemies approaching her with her black sword ready to slice them apart.

As for me, since I couldn’t be very villainous on the battlefield due to it already being occupied by Lavi and Valkyria, I had other plans for how to be a villain.

It was time for a kidnapping.