"What? What happened?"

SNIPPY WHINED IN MY GENERAL LOCATION, BUMBLING ABOUT LIKE A WING-DEPRIVED BEETLE.

SNIPPY IS A RATHER POORLY PAINTED CHARACTER.

I HOPE THAT SOMEDAY THIS LOBSTER WILL LEARN SOMETHING OF IMPORTANCE OF CONSEQUENCES THAT COME TO PASS WITH EACH MOTION.

"PERHAPS SOMEDAY YOU WILL LISTEN TO YOUR CAPTAIN, EH SNIPSTER?"

I BEEFED IN REPLY.

"LOOK WHERE NOT LISTENING TO YOUR CAPTAIN GOT US - YOUR LACK OF FAITH IN SANTA SUMMONED A FLYING COW AND YOUR FURTHER FLAILING ALMOST GOT YOU DISSECTED.

IF IT WEREN'T FOR CAPTAIN'S BRILLIANT IDEA TO EXPLODE THE FLYING COW WITH YOUR ATOMIC DOPPELGANGER, YOU'D BE LIKE: Oh no my precious human organs, come back with my lovely organs."

SNIPPY LOOKED AT ME LIKE AN UNSHAVEN PTERODACTYL.

"What?" HE MUMBLED.

"DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH FLYING COWS COST SNIPPY?"

I COASTED TOWARDS HIM.

"THEY DON'T GROW ON SPACE-TIME-TREES ON THEIR OWN. FLYING BOVINES NEED MAINTENANCE AND SUPERVISION.

THEM UNIONIZED COW FARMERS WANTED COPYRIGHT VENGEANCE!

FOR SUCH PURPOSES THEY HAD HIRED SPACEY-TIME LAWYERS!

THE LAWYERS WANTED TO CONFISCATE OUR PAST AND FUTURE, BUT THEY COULD NOT!

THEY NEEDED ANSWERS:

THEY WANTED TO FIND OUT WHY THE UNIVERSE IS DOOMED AND THEY TRIED TO VIOLATE, INVADE MY DREAMS FOR THIS PURPOSE. FROM ME THEY HAD LEARNED OF THE GREAT MIRACLES OF CAPTAIN, BUT THEY COULD NOT DIG DEEPER FOR I HAD LOCKED MY SUB-BASEMENT-DREAMS IN A LITTLE BLUE TIARA.

"aNsWeR Us" THE RED LAWYERS WHALLOPED.

"sUbMiT To tHe bIoMaSs" THEY DEMANDLEDED.

"cOnFeSs yOuR CrImEs" THEY ACCUSED.

"tElL Us aLl tHe tHiNgS!" THEY RAMBLED.

THE FLESHY LAWYERS WOULD HAVE SUED US ALL INTO OBLIVION IF IT WEREN'T FOR MY AMAZINGLY AMAZING NEGOTIATIONS TABLE THROWING MOVES AND THE SHOE THEOREM WHICH I DEVELOPED DURING MY TRAVELS IN THE WASTELANDS."

"Shoe theorem?" SNIPPY LOOKED DIS-CONCERTEDLY MY WAY.

"DEAR SHOE" I BE-GUN:

"THAT'S RIGHT YOU ARE A SHOE.

THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT NOT BEING A SHOE BECAUSE IN MY MIND YOU ARE ONE AND THAT IS MOST UNFORTUNATE.

AS LONG AS I HAVE YOU CONCEPTUALIZED AS A SHOE IN MY IMAGINATION, YOU SHALL REMAIN AS SUCH.

THIS THOUGHT HAD MADE ME WONDER WHETHER ALL PEOPLES AND OBJECTS CAN BE CONCEPTUALIZED AS SHOES AND THUS BECOME SUCH, GRANTING ME ABSOLUTE POWER OVER THEM.

DOES, YOU A PITIFUL SNIPPY, HAVE A CLEVER ARGUMENT? NO YOU DOESN'T, BECAUSE YOU ARE A SHOE. SHOES CAN'T HAVE CLEVER ARGUMENTS.

THE WEIGHT OF THE WORLD HAS BEEN LIFTED OFF MY SHOULDERS NOW THAT EVERYTHING IS UNDER MY CONTROL, NOW THAT MY NEMESISES ARE ALL SHOES.

I NO LONGER HAVE TO ANSWER TO MY REGRETS AND PAST MISTAKES BECAUSE THEY ARE SIMPLY SHOES.

I WAS EVEN ABLE TO PAINT PHOTOSHOP IN PURPLE COLOR (TO PLEASE CAPTAIN) AND SHE DIDN'T EVEN PUT UP A PROPER FIGHT BECAUSE I IMAGINED HER AS A SHOE!"

"Riiiiight" SNIPPY WASN'T PLEASED WITH MY TALE.

"THEM FLESHY-MATRIXED LAWYERS WOULD PESTER ME FOR ALL ETERNITY!" I BOASTED.

"BUT I HAD FOUND A WAY OUT!

BY USING THE SHOE THEOREM AGAINST THEM, I WAS ABLE TO ESCAPE FROM THEIR BORING OFFICE.

AND THEN I WENT ON TO BUILD A HOUSE... NO A BOAT SHAPED LIKE A SHOE AND SAILED ACROSS THE OCEAN TO THE PARADISE LAND OF PANCAKES AND MERRYNESS.

AND ALL WAS WELL THEREAFTER."

"That is the worst explanation ever. I'm so done with this." SNIPPY DECLARATED AND TUMBLERED OFF.

"DID YOUS UNDERSTAND THE MORAL THAT I'VE FLIPPED YOUR WAY?" I LOPED AT HIM.

"COME BACK, I'M NOT DONE EXPLAINING!"