This evening,

I returned to the City to fill out the reports about my first tour out into the Dead Zone.

Hopefully, they won't suddenly shut down the D.Z.T.R. Department and there will be more tours for me to "guide".

Today... was different.

A buzzing, hovering Hunter-Drone met me in the Airlock.

Must be a new thing. Do they give every unconnectable citizen a drone? I looked at the hovering metal sphere suspiciously.

"WELCOME BACK OFFICER SNIPPY!

YOU HAVE EARNED 69'975 CREDITS."

The drone announced at me as its greeting.

Ah I see, as I'm forever unable to access ANNET, someone up top must have programmed this contraption to follow me around.

Thank you, whoever you are.

I never felt more ridiculous.

"DON'T FORGET TO READ THE 500 PAGE INFORMATION BOOKLET FOR THE NEXT TOUR. HAVE A NICE DAY!" It shouted at me as I concluded the decontamination shower.

I went to my office desk and leafed through the Dead Zone forms. My fingers froze on the “BEWARE THE MUG” notepad page that was sitting atop my vast pile of unsorted papers. That was a joke, right? A practical office joke. Ha ha har. I stared at the paper trying to pull a semblance of meaning out of its message. Was “Mug” some sort of a secret codename for our floor manager that I wasn’t aware of? There was a heart drawn on the paper too. What did this mean? I was too tired to figure out this puzzle. A coffee was definitely required. I yawned and slowly started to shamble across the office towards the nearest vending machine.

I stared at our brilliant leader, from behind a series of office cubicles. He wasn’t getting the memo. He looked utterly exhausted. This vile cube was sucking him dry, I knew it. There was a hunter drone following Charles as well. They were getting suspicious. Well, no matter, if someone wasn’t going to do anything about this, I would. Cube 15 had to pay for its crimes against us. There was only one solution. I had to act fast.

I estimated his trajectory and walked towards the vending machine.

[Admin login: 1 2 3 4 5] I typed into the panel.

“Admin rights granted” The machine beeped in agreement. Too easy. Nobody ever bothered with proper security round these parts. Nobody bothered with anything new as there were always new things being installed and set up all over the place.

“Sup dawg?” I smiled at her. “I’m going to call you Wendy, s’allright? Open up your maintenance panel will you? That’s a good girl.”

I pulled out a temporal watch out of my pocket, cranked the displacement all the way towards the end of the Universe, until its red display outputted an infinity sign, and connected it into the dispenser system control mechanism.

“What are you doing, Admin?” Wendy inquired.

“Shush now. It’s a little birthday surprise for my one true love, you see? Don’t spoil the fun, girl. Whatever item he orders next, make sure to fulfill it in its entirety, you understand?”

“Acknowledged.” Wendy beebed.

I quickly stepped away from the machine. Charles was coming.

“YOU'VE TAKEN: A COFFEE. 7000 CREDITS HAVE BEEN DEDUCTED.” The drone shouted, surprising me. I nearly dropped my coffee then. Nearly.

“Argh! Would you get off my case, you stupid floating ball?!” I yelped at it.

“YOUR DRINK WAS BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE Good DIRECTORATE :TU DU DU:” The drone chimed, ignoring my state of stress.

Damn! 7000 credits. Since when did coffee start to cost so much? This price was utterly absurd. I must be more careful with my finances. I noticed a figure retreating from the vending machine. It was the girl who brought me that silly note.

I wonder why? Maybe she likes me?

My heart started to pound and then I suddenly realised with dawning horror that this was the same girl that I had accidentally assaulted on the train. The “beware the mug” note, the idiotic reports that kept appearing on my desk about time travelling superheroes, gods in the machine and other miscellaneous, utterly insane nonsense. These were all her pranks. She was messing with me as revenge! She was trying to drive me crazy, trying to get me to fired! Of course! How stupid of me. Why didn’t I figure this out sooner?!

“YOU'VE LOOKED AT: A GIRL. THE G-DIRECTORATE IS HAPPY TO BRING YOU YOUR TRUE LOVE! 5000 CREDITS HAVE BEEN DEDUCTED”

“Bwah?!” I froze. “Love?! 5000 credits?! G-damn you! I didn’t even buy anything this time! You can’t charge me for a product that doesn’t exist, you stupid machine” I yelled at the drone.

“MOREOVER, YOU ARE NOT WORKING SINCE: 7 MINUTES! 2000 CREDITS HAVE BEEN DEDUCTED! YOUR BREAK WAS BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE GOOD DIRECTORATE! :TU DU DU:” The drone hovered in front of my face.

“WHAT? This is ridiculous!” I tapped at its camera behind the glass panel. “I refuse to be billed for things I didn’t receive! What love?! What break?”

“PROTEST COSTS YOU 500'000 CREDITS. IF YOU WANT TO PURCHASE, SAY YES.” The drone pushed into me.

I stepped back in indignation, bumping into another coworker. My coffee flew from my shaking hands. “Nooooooo” I cried, reaching out for it, unable to catch it. It twirled in the air and exploded onto the floor with a whoosh, innards spilling. I closed my eyes, counting down from ten. I wasn’t going to murder everyone here. I’m a nice person. I’m a nice person. I don’t attack drones.