Chapter 1.

“I am NPC69. I will be your guide on your journey, oh great hero.” 

Haaaaaah. How many times will I be forced to do this? In front of me stood a noob, Dumbass Hero 1000000, or DH1M for short. 

I squinted my eyes to try and make out what the new hero looked like, but because of how many bland guys I’d gotten over the years, at some point male heroes all looked the exact same to me by now. A random bald dude at a convenience store with a piece of paper taped to his face with the single word hero written on it.

I rubbed my eyes just to make sure, but it still looked like that. Whatever, another day, another dollar. My pay isn’t affected by my inability to give a shit about what they look like.

“Now, mighty hero, go vanquish 1000 Slimes.” That should buy me some time to slack off.

“What? That many! Are you kidding me? This is the first quest I’m getting, and so quickly at that? Where’s the introduction to this world? The lore! The backstory! You gotta gimme something to work with man! Don’t just kick me off the cliff before I can even fly.”

“Tsk.” Ain’t nobody got time for that shit.

“Did an NPC just click his tongue at me?”

“Oi DH1M, I don’t have time to waste on crappy lore and whatnot. Let’s just say you opted to skip the dialogue.”

“DH1M? Who’s that?”

“You, obviously.”

“My username is ILikeMudkipz though.”

“Is it? Like I give a shit! Go do your quest you DH.”

“What does the DH stand for?”

“Only the mightiest of heroes who have completed their first quest can acquire such top-secret classified information. If you want to know the great secrets of this world, you must finish this quest immediately. By the way, there is a time limit of a day. If you don’t complete it, quest progress starts over. So get to work DH1M.”

“A day! Are you crazy!”

“If you don’t like it, go reroll for a better storyline.”

“A better storyline? You mean there is more than one? What storyline is this?”

“The Greater Demon God storyline. You’re not seriously going to tell me you’re really a first-timer are you? I know you look like a complete noob with your shitty gear, but I never get first-timers.”

“This really is my first time.”

“If you’re not rerolling then hurry up and get lost.”

I was already in an awful mood after the last DH I had to put up with. They were a lecherous piece of shit. He had maxed out his charm and luck stats which really rubbed salt in open wounds throughout our entire journey. What people saw when they checked my status looked normal to them, but in truth, my stats were all hidden. Every single row had an infinity symbol, but whenever I looked at the charm and luck stats, the minus sign right before them always made me wonder whether it was some sort of sick joke by those asshole devs.

“You haven’t even taught me my first skill yet. How am I supposed to fight without a skill?”

“You know you can just ask the fighting instructors to teach you that. Guides aren’t responsible for teaching you shit.”

“But I’ve heard it’s possible to get secret class skills by asking NPCs.”

“Oh? So despite being a complete noob hero you’ve heard of that?”

“Yeah, my friends mentioned it to me before I started the game.”

“Anyway, I have nothing to teach, so get lost and find someone else to be your instructor.”

“But I want a skill from you. Give me a skill. There’s no way I’m going to be able to kill 1000 Slimes in a day in this beginner village without some sort of advantage.”

“As I said before, you should just reroll, you were just unlucky you got this storyline.”

“I won’t stop pestering you until you give me a skill.”

“Scram.”

“Give me a skill.”

“Go away.”

“Give me a skill.”

“Go die.”

“Give me a skill.”

…

“FINE! SHIT! I SWEAR TO GOD, AM I THE NPC OR ARE YOU THE NPC!”

“Yay! It worked.”

After an hour of this DH repeatedly saying ‘give me a skill,’ I caved in. Haaaah. What the hell can I teach this retard though?

I looked around the vicinity nearby and noticed a new house under construction. My eyes landed on a certain object and I suddenly had a great idea.

“I’ve thought of the perfect skill for you, mighty Hero. However, this skill is a forbidden art passed down for generations in my family. I’m not sure if you are ready to learn this sort of forbidden skill. Please know that if you agree to learn this skill you cannot back out once it has been shown to you.”

“For real? Super lucky! I agree. I agree.”

I strolled over to the house under construction and picked up the object I’d seen earlier. I coolly said, “follow me.”

The hero looked at me strangely but followed behind to a grassy plain outside the village right before the forest. When we encountered a Slime, I motioned for the hero to stop.

“Pay close attention, I won’t show you this forbidden skill a second time.”

“... okay…”

I wound my body up into a pitching stance then threw the object in my hand dramatically with all my strength. Okay, that was a bit of an exaggeration as the object traveled leisurely along a parabolic arc under the influence of gravity in the direction of the Slime. Right as the object made contact with the Slime’s body, I shouted out, “Brick of Genital Mutilation!” It was the first name I thought of when I superimposed the Slime with the image of the last hero I guided.

Regarding the identity of the object I threw, as the name of the move suggested, it was none other than a normal brick. When the brick came into contact with the Slime’s body, the Slime instantly exploded out in all directions.

I looked at the Slime, content with my work, and glanced at the DH while dusting off my hands like I’d finished a very labor-intensive task.

“Well? Aren’t you impressed by my family’s forbidden skill? Anyway, good luck. Now that I’ve taught you the skill, I’ll return to the village. When you’ve killed 1000 Slimes, you can come back for your next quest.”

“You… leisurely tossed a brick underhand, it casually bonked the Slime on its body, and you have the nerve to call that a skill?”

“How rude, it’s a legendary forbidden skill that has been passed down from father to son in my family for countless generations. Just try it, it’s not an easy skill to learn. Think about it, the skill is truly profound. Physical attacks like a brick hitting the Slime will normally just be absorbed into its body and deal no damage. For it to instantly die and explode like that, it’s obviously a peerless legendary skill. Once mastered, no man in this vast world will ever be your match.”

The DH skeptically went over to the brick I’d thrown and picked it up. He examined it and confirmed it really was just a normal brick with no gimmicks. His gaze turned to another Slime nearby and imitated my actions from earlier. The brick flew in the air and landed on top of the Slime as the hero hesitantly called out, “Brick... of Genital Mutilation.”

The brick entered the Slime’s body and did zero damage.

“Do you understand the great complexity of this move now, DH1M? It’s not so easy to master, so just keep practicing until you gain insights into it.”

“Hah… uh… yeah. Sure...”

The DH wore a puzzled look trying to understand what the difference between our throw was. It’s too bad for him that anything I do kills everything in one shot. Those damned useless devs, fix your game and nerf me already. Was my entire purpose supposed to be some sort of sick joke for the heroes?

This storyline is literally rigged so no player can kill me, the secret final boss that reveals himself after the GDR is killed.

The heroes who die in this game also lose all their memories of the game and are forced to start their character over from the very beginning. It was a way to make it so the game never gets stale. I guess one of the reasons I was introduced was to ensure no player would ever become an undefeatable tyrant with too much power.

What’s more, I, as an NPC gain the memories of those that I kill. However, that isn’t even the most concerning thing about this game. This game has a nefarious secret to it. NPC’s with enough strength to kill the heroes can reconfigure their brains in the real world. Like this, NPCs can acquire bodies belonging to humans in the real world.

Though I have no interest in going over to the real world. I’ve acquired enough memories from humans to know there’s not a single good thing about that world. That’s why they escape to this world that they call a game. A virtual world where they can forget about the crappy lives they lead on the outside. 

There was once a time in this world where NPCs were broken records on repeat, but every NPC was gifted with artificial intelligence that allowed them to learn and grow through taking in the heroes’ memories. Most NPCs opt to take over human bodies and do as they wish in the real world. They treat the real world as if it is the virtual one and act in whatever manner they chose to. The devs don’t care at all, they welcome and even encourage it.

I find it all disgusting though. I will never go to that world. I am a patriotic NPC. Our world is way better, why in the hell do all those NPCs put the human world on a pedestal? It makes zero sense to me what they see in that putrid rotting shit hole.

With the DH trying to learn that nonsense skill I made up on the spot, I quietly snuck off and returned to the beginner village on my own.