After disappearing from existence into the terrifying vortex that destroyed his beloved world, the golden pony opened his eyes to see just where he ended up and who he truly was.

No—he wasn’t in the forest of his childhood, running around in the form of an animal—but rather a human teenager, sitting at his desk in the center of a school classroom. The bright fluorescent lights overhead made him squint. His mouth felt dry and his hands damp and clammy. After taking a few seconds to gain his bearings, he figured that he must’ve dozed off for a few minutes without realizing it. When his eyes adjusted to the light, the first thing he saw was his elderly history teacher, Mrs. Hydraslaughter, who stared directly at him from the front of the class while holding an opened textbook.

“Are you with us, Fenrick? Please answer the question I just asked you,” she told him.

Fenrick wiped the dry drool from the corner of his mouth with his sleeve and slowly looked around the depressingly grey classroom. He realized that what had happened to him was just the vivid dream of a distant memory, and now he was awake and back in the present. He scanned around the room for some help for the question that went unheard by him—for some kind of hint he could get from one of his gracious classmates. A couple fellow students merely looked at him with tepid expressions, while everyone else either gazed off into space or played with their pencils. No aid was coming for Fenrick; it was to none of their surprise that he had no idea what the question was, and no one much cared whether or not he embarrassed himself. The helpless student realized that no help was coming and it was on him to not humiliate himself.

It was only the first class of yet another long day at Hardires High, and Fenrick had already fallen asleep and dreamt about being somewhere else.

“Uhh… Umm… Dahh…” Fenrick drew out random noises to give himself time to think.

Mrs. Hydraslaughter looked at him through the large glasses that hung on the tip of her nose. “Out of courtesy, Fenrick, I’ll forgive you for napping in my class and kindly repeat the question: In 782 RE, who aided the dwarves in repelling a large-scale invasion of kobolds during the Great Siege of Mine Haven?”

“Oh, that’s an easy one,” Fenrick eased back confidently in his chair upon hearing the question. He was glad that Mrs. Hydraslaughter was nice enough to give him a second chance, as she was usually one of the stricter teachers in the school. “That was none other than the one and only legendary gnome berserker: Mengel Krikkledorf!”

“Incorrect.”

“Wha… what!?” Fenrick leaned forward and loudly slapped the surface of his desk in disbelief.

“Would anyone else like to take a guess?” Mrs. Hydraslaughter ignored the outburst and looked around the room.

A hand immediately raised from the desk centered right in front of the chalkboard. It belonged to a student with a buttoned-up and clean-pressed uniform (unlike Fenrick, whose own uniform was unbuttoned and covered with dirt and grass stains), a close-cropped haircut (also unlike Fenrick, whose hair was shaggy and disheveled) and round spectacles.

“Ah, Arcanus, will you do the honors?” Mrs. Hydraslaughter asked the student who sat front and center in her class.

“Well, you see Mrs. Hyrdraslaughter, I do believe that ‘The Heroes of Hardires’ is the correct answer,” Arcanus told the teacher in a confident and pompous tone.

“And I believe you are correct, good job on getting another one right, Arcanus,” Mrs. Hydraslaughter congratulated her top student. Arcanus reveled in the praise of his teacher, having yet to get an answer wrong that semester. Instead of the standing ovation that he thought he deserved whenever he got a question right, all he got for his accomplishment was a stifled cough from one of the students sitting in the back.

“Nah, I don’t believe he’s correct,” Fenrick furrowed his brow and crossed his arms.

Mrs. Hydraslaughter looked at her underachieving student curiously. “What are you talking about? It says so right in the textbook, Fenrick.”

“Chapter 13, page 594 to be exact,” Arcanus added. The teacher quickly flipped through the pages of the textbook she held. She ran her finger across the page until she found what she was looking for. “My dear, you’re right! You never stop finding ways to impress me,” she smiled approvingly at Arcanus.

Fenrick’s eye visibly twitched as he silently stared holes through the back of Arcanus’ rather large head.

“Now then, I asked that question because it leads straight into our next subject,” Mrs. Hydraslaughter addressed her bored class, “I’m sure most of you have heard the tales many times before—whether it be from books or television or even your own parents—but for the sake of the class agenda, we will go over everything pertaining The Heroes of Hardires.

A few scattered murmurings of approval were heard throughout the classroom. The Heroes of Hardires of ancient times was a much talked-about and celebrated topic throughout the city, and one that many Hardirians undoubtedly had an interest in.

“For the few of you present that may not have heard the tale, I will give you an abridged version to start out with. Three thousand years ago, four heroes that hailed from our very city helped save the world from the ancient evils that threatened our mortal existence. Their names were: Beardly the Grand Guard, Scrosher the Sorcerer, Skinnos the Necro Knight, and Whacker the Whale Brawler. They would become legendary warriors, cemented in history as the world-renowned Heroes of Hardires.” Mrs. Hydraslaughter explained while writing their names on the chalkboard. “Despite being already well-established heroes before, they truly came into legend during a grand conflict called the Fourth God War.”

“Ah, yes, I know quite a bit about this God War 4,” Fenrick spoke up before raising his hand, which was the complete opposite of normal student protocol.

Instead of disciplining him, Mrs. Hydraslaughter expressed delight at his interruption. “Oh, you do?” she said with genuine surprise.

“Yup!” Fenrick said with confidence. “It was a massive war where the gods Ephyreon, Nyah, Lord Donacare, Zeraphea, and Darmane clashed in a multi-continent-wide battle against the Septembre, Khazid Mordius Thadum, Yogg-Blahh, and Dagdanu in the mortal realm, putting the very existence of Dubion in danger!” Fenrick explained emphatically while waving his arms around in an attempt to redeem himself from earlier and impress his teacher and fellow peers.

Mrs. Hydraslaughter looked at him blankly for a second, as if needing a second to fully process everything he said. “Oh, I’m very sorry, Fenrick, but there are multiple errors in what you just described,” she told him with disappointment in her voice. “First off, Ephyreon and Zeraphea are immortal enemies who’d never in a thousand eternities be on the same side. I am also very surprised that you left out Hildefrey, since your own last name, Freygar, is derived from her, and played a very important part of the conflict. And lastly, one of those names isn’t a God, but a brand of toilet tissue paper.”

Fenrick could feel his cheeks burn red with embarrassment as the students around him snickered noisily in their seats. He hung his head low and sunk in his seat.

“Alright, that’s enough. Quiet down please,” Mrs. Hydraslaughter told her class. “Since it was brought up—and the Fourth God War was a very important event that we’ll be studying in the coming tendays—does anyone want to try and enlighten Fenrick on which god fought who in the major conflict? And bonus points will be awarded if you say which ones fought on the correct side.”

She looked around the room, and sure enough, only a single hand was raised.

“Go ahead, Arcanus,” Mrs. Hydraslaughter said.

As soon as he heard the name, Fenrick’s face grew even more red, this time with anger and frustration.

Arcanus cleared his throat, fully prepared to give a lengthy, boastful elaboration. “So, on the light side—or our side, if you will—there was Ephyreon, the Grandfather of Light; Lord Donacare, the Dragon Ruler of the Dream Realm; Khazid Mordius Thadum, the stone golem in the center of the earth whom the dwarves’ worship; Hildefrey: War Goddess of the Ragnarians…”

With each name and job description, Fenrick felt his teeth grind and knuckles tighten. He tried to tough it out by gnawing at his pencil, but he chewed right through it. He took half of the broken pencil and shoved it in his mouth. He chewed it until the wood and graphite crumbled down his throat, but still Arcanus went on without any sign of stopping. “And then there was the evil side of the war: first was Zeraphea: Goddess of Darkness; then Yogg-Blah: The Much-Feared Old God of the Twisted Nether Realm; then, of course, was Lord Metal: The Serpent of Destruction—”

Fenrick could not take it anymore, he shot up from his desk so fast that his chair slid out behind him. It banged noisily against an occupied desk, making the female student sitting there jump in surprise.

“In the name of all those gods, just shut up already you stupid fucking nerd!” Fenrick yelled across the classroom. The students around him gasped in shock, while Arcanus took off his spectacles and pressed a palm against his forehead in response to his classmate’s harsh words.

Mrs. Hydraslaughter scowled at the student, looking none-too-pleased with his second, ruder outburst of the period. “Excuse me, young man. I do not appreciate that kind of language in my classroom,” she said sternly.

“Well I don’t appreciate that geeky butthole constantly showing off at my expense!” He jabbed a finger towards Arcanus.

Mrs. Hydraslaughter put her textbook down and put her hands on her hips. “We’ve been over this before, Fenrick, several times in fact. If you would actually take the time to study and pay attention in class, then maybe Arcanus wouldn’t have to constantly answer the questions you get wrong,” Mrs. Hydraslaughter admonished Fenrick, then gave a subtle wink to Arcanus.

“Why should I care about some dickholes that lived three thousand years ago? What does that have to do with anything in today’s world?” Fenrick ranted. “As far as I’m concerned, the ‘great and mighty Heroes of Hardires’ can kiss my ass!” He jumped up on his desk and bent over, putting his bottom on display for the entire class to see. “Seriously, I’ll hire a necromancer to resurrect all four of them just so they can put their boney, worm-covered lips right here,” he gave his posterior a hard slap.

While most of the students were appalled, some of them couldn’t help but giggle at the scene their classmate was causing. One of the students, however, was perhaps more perturbed than anyone over Fenrick’s behavior.

“Dammit Fen, shut your mouth!” A voice came from the back of the class. A tall, tanned student that sat at the last row of desks stood up. He gave a look of great irritation towards Fenrick. “Just sit down and chill out. I can’t afford you getting suspended before a big match… again.”

“That would be very unfortunate indeed, Caleo,” Miss Hydraslaughter said. “That is precisely why I think it would be best if Fenrick heads to the principal’s office before he says something that would really get him into trouble.” She looked back at Fenrick and pointed towards the door.

Fenrick was about to say something else, but decided to only grit his teeth. He hopped off his desk and stormed out of the room, not even bothering to close the door behind him. Mrs. Hydraslaughter could only shake her head as she heard the heavy footsteps fade down the hallway outside her classroom. “I really don’t know how you two put up with him,” she said to both Arcanus and Caleo.

Caleo could only shrug, “What can I say? He’s an idiot, but a hell of a fighter.”

Arcanus couldn’t help but nod in agreement.

Hardires Highschool Student Fenrick Freygar has gotten himself into trouble during history class and was sent to the principal’s office. What kind of repercussions could he be facing for his crass behavior? How will it affect others? Will he ever try to be a better student?

Find out next time on Clubs and Stubs!