《Slaying Monsters for Dummies》Arc 3: Incorporation 3.1 A life of crime

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“So huh is this it?”

Nathan turns left to Agrias the deep space monster dressed as a rebellious teen. Sh… She? Let’s go with she, is currently trying to blow a bubble gum. The ominous pink mass grows bigger and bigger like some alien pustule before splattering her face in a goopy mass. There is only silence in the warehouse as she removes the offending layer with a pinched finger. Agrias inspects the unholy mass thoughtfully before shoving it back down her open maw.

“I would suggest deflating the bubble before it bursts.”

He gets a grunt in answer.

Twenty more seconds pass in silence and mastication. Seren, on his right is still inspecting the unlikely scene and chooses to remain silent, which suits Nathan just fine, because he is having a sort of contest. It goes like this: Agrias does her creepiest version of a normal act and Nathan stares into her cold gaze like he ran out of fuck five years ago and forgot to restock. They have been at it for the better part of an hour. Agrias doesn’t know it but she doesn’t stand a chance, because Nathan has a vast retail experience he can draw on.

Finally, she relents.

“Yes, my sister was supposed to do it but she has been… Unavoidably detained.”

“Twin sister?”

Agrias blinks.

“How did you know?”

Nathan shrugs. Nathan one, hellspawn abomination born from the frozen depths of the Cocytus: zero. Shrugging makes him look mysterious, and is a more diplomatic answer than” I simply could not accept that whatever gave birth to you got fucked twice”.

“Anyway, Katagrias is busy and this is urgent so you do this while I run my own errands.” As an afterthought, she twirls some of her hair in what appears to be an attempt to be cute. It sounds like someone trying to clean a blackboard with steel wool. Nathan clenches his teeth.

Agrias walks past and Nathan rotates around, not to be polite, but because he refuses to show his back to that thing. She stops when she is right next to him, places her hand on his arm.

“Would you like to go out on a date with me?”

“Sorry, too young”, Nathan deadpans. There is a choking sound from Seren.

Agrias, again, blinks. Nathan two, Lovecraftian entity with titties: zero. Take that, Cthulu.

The impossible happens, Agrias’ mouth becomes big enough to split her head in two, she tilts backward, and laughs. At least that’s what Nathan assumes she is doing. It sounds like a giant snake with a coughing fit.

Strangely, this is the least disturbing thing she has done so far and for the first time today, Nathan thinks he got a genuine reaction.

“Fun times indeed. Do not die!”

And with that she’s gone.

Nathan turns back around. It is now December the 18th 8PM, there have been no signs of Varog activity, he is his own boss and this is their first job. His company, tentatively called Seekers Consulting, is stable considering he is operating out of his house with minimal spending so far. Both Seren and him are dressed for outside and in dark colors. Both of them wear backpacks.

“Let’s go have a look” Seren nods and steps forward.

They are currently standing in a warehouse in Williamsburg, one of if not the most famous boroughs in Brooklyn. It’s a pleasant place with a great night life and plenty of shops selling cool and unique stuff, all hidden inside renovated warehouses made of red bricks. The hipster infestation that started in the 90s is the cause for its gentrification, and although there are more beards around than at a woodcutter convention, Nathan thinks it’s pretty dope to see so many people walking around dressed with care and purpose. It certainly breaks the monotony.

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The warehouse they are currently standing in has definitely escaped gentrification and for good reason: half of the roof is made of glass and in the center, illuminated by street lights, stands an English cottage.

This is not the modern structure one might expect from a fancy suburb, but the seventeenth century dwelling that the first settlers would have built back in the early days of the colonization: sturdy and functional. It is also looking quite homey from here, though the bitter cold probably has something to do with it. Nathan half expects some midget to burst out of the door screaming he is going on an adventure. Thankfully the house remains silent as the current owner cannot apparently be joined.

It is still a bit worrisome that their first job is a burglary.

“Technically this is repossession."

" Was I thinking aloud?"

" No but you’ve had the same scrounged face when you asked Jin and he said the same thing. It’s important Nathan, focus."

" I am focused."

The cottage is mostly rectangular, with the wide side facing them, it is also surrounded by a small fence . There is still a bit of room to walk around it so this is what they do. One side has the main entrance and a small garden, while the other has a more austere door, a vegetable patch and a small shed. The walls are made out of a yellow stone that Nathan doesn’t recognize and the windows are small, haphazardly placed and all barred. The thatched roof peaks over the construction like a wizard hat, protecting the house from the absent rain and snow. Even from afar, Nathan can tell there is magic at work.

“Ok I will begin.”

Nathan opens himself to the weave like Gwahin showed him. It is a strange state, less based on focusing and more on letting go. The feeling he had turns sharper, like a fog lifting or a nose clearing. There is an aura running along the fence that reminds him of trying to stick two opposing magnets together and underlying that something unpleasant. The aura is that of unwashed human, not as overwhelming as rot or rancid sweat but disgusting nonetheless, and something else too: the feeling of movement at the edge of perception.

Nathan recoils in shock. This is less primal that Gwahin or even Agrias, this is much closer to him and Seren.

“Well?"

"There is something on the fence that’s designed to push us away and warn the owner when breached, it was cast by a male human and he’s not like us."

"How so?"

"Well, besides the fact I get an unpleasant feeling it feels much more deliberate. When I look at something Gwahin made it’s always grown, but this feels like something that someone built on for a very long time. If I had to choose a comparison it would be like a hand sewn scarf, or a ship made out of matchsticks. Whoever made this must have been weaving for a long time. Longer than us that’s for sure."

"I see."

"Is this enough to go on?"

"We’ll see. Keep in mind that I can only switch three times before I have to rest."

The Paths are always here. They can be ignored or pushed to the background, but they are never gone. When Seren does not try to change them they become more relaxed, just showing a general level of danger. When she focuses, they will show her what she needs. The paths are animalistic. They respond to her needs for violence and protection, and her need for an escape route, so it should not be too much of a stretch to look for a way in instead of a way out.

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She does not really make an effort to shift it just… Happens. She knows that the paths do not really exist, and that she does not really see them with her eyes, or, for that matter, that they are not exactly “paths”. Ah who cares, she shifts them and they sort of retract inside of her and expand again almost instantaneously.

Get in.

I need to get in.

You cheap Hansel and Gretel knock off pile of junk, let me in

In.

There.

One moment, they show her escape routes, ways to safety, the next they encircle the house as if that’s what they had been doing all along. There is a lot of black, and that means the house has defenses, but there is some white as well.

Seren walks along the fence toward the shed and crouches in front of the wooden boards. It looked nice from afar, but darkness and distance can only do so much to hide the traces of worn and decay. The wood is rotten, and some of it has already started to come off. There is something else too, a rugged line of material stretching horizontally as far as she can see. Rather than touching it with her bare finger and risk magical tetanus or something, Seren takes out her antique smartphone, punches the cracked screen and turns on the light, surely using half of the battery in the process.

All her amusement evaporates when the flashlight reveals a gruesome spectacle. Teeth. Hundreds of teeth are stuck to the wood in a horrific line. Molars, canines, incisive of all shapes and size. Seren’s fear skyrockets before Nathan thankfully breaks the oppressive silence.

Those are cat and dog teeth. Shit, let me check something.

Nathan walks to the fence and shines his own phone at the brown wood. Sure enough, she can see the yellow glint from here. When Nathan returns, he is pale as death.

“There… There has to be at least a hundred… I want to think he got them from a veterinarian but…"

"It doesn’t feel that way?”"

Nathan just nods. Seren does her best to contain the surging nausea. What kind of complete bottom dwelling sociopath uses pet body parts to protect their home? What’s wrong with using cameras and locks like a regular fucking person? What the fuck.

“Ah, good find.”

Seren turns to Nathan, relieved that her fear and disgust have been replaced by the now familiar feeling of anger.

Nathan is pointing at a gap in the line. Humidity must have taken a toll on some planks and there is a gap forming between two of them. It breaks the line of teeth neatly.

“So we can just break the plank and get in?

"I don’t think so. If we remove the plank completely it will create a new fracture and the owner will surely be warned. I have another solution though. I think I can widen the gap and then we’ll have to dig."

"Seriously? Did you bring a shovel?"

"Hum yes, actually I did.”

Nathan hands her the car keys, and starts to focus, which means it’s up to her to start digging. Why did Mirrah call him knight anyway, what’s gallant about having the lady dig while you’re conveniently busy doing arcane stuff? Seren feels cheated.

Nathan ignores Seren’s grumbles and tries to refocus on the task at hand. Seriously the woman has three emotions: grumbling, silent contemplation and murder. He can understand that she wants to keep some distance from him, after all he is not associated with pleasant stuff, but there has to be a limit! According to fairy tales damsels in distress are supposed to gush over you, the reality is that the princesses took out swords and covered his lawn in monster blood, looking grim all the while. Urg.

Moving on.

Seren did a good job showing the gap to him. Now that he stands in front of it he can tell where the wind is blowing.

It appears the weave likes commitment. That specific weaving must have been powerful at one point, especially with having killed more animals than a PETA shelter. Now though, the house is abandoned, and its owner has fled. The weave does not like that. The implication is disturbing. On one hand being decisive and sticking to one’s guns is good, on the other hand only morons never change their minds, and only dead men never retreat. Nathan can tell that the weave is already changing his behavior a little bit. Now there is an actual incentive to boast like an opera swordsman and fight like a drunk.

Wait that’s not it.

When he had tried to ambush the alpha he had been protected as well. The weave rewards you for acting how you believe you should act.

Well.

Nathan is a burglar.

There, he said it. Nathan is a criminal, a fiend, and a runner of shadows. This measly barrier will not stop him! Onward to thievery!

Nathan moves forward and places his hands in the hole in the barrier. Power grows outward and flows into his fingers with a speed that he has never been able to match during practice. He pushes outward and towards him and the wood, impossibly, bends.

Nathan keeps going until he feels rigidity settling back in. The line of teeth can only be stretched so far, apparently, but it does not matter. There is now a hole leading to the inside of the shed big enough for a large dog, though still not big enough for an adult. Nathan decides to stand back up and immediately regrets this decision. Ah yes. The headaches. As an added bonus his fingers feel like they are on fire. Stumbling, Nathan reaches into his coat for the flask of Gwahin’s herbal remedy with the fervor of the alcoholic. The bitter draught slides down his throat, doing absolutely nothing at the moment. Nathan sighs. The only thing that will relieve the headache is a dull, repetitive task.

Nathan grabs the shovel from Seren’s hands, completely ignoring her bewildered stare.

“Ah thanks."

"You’re welcome. I didn’t know you could do that."

"One of us can see the future and the other one can cheat in a DIY competition. Such is life.”

They remain silent while he works. After only a few minutes, the hole in the ground and in the shed has grown large enough that they can easily crawl though.

“Ladies first”

Seren casts a suspicious glance then apparently remembers that her power will protect her, so it makes sense that she goes first. Nathan feels insulted. As if he could have an ulterior motive besides staring at her wriggling bottom! Truly this princess is far too suspicious.

They soon dust their knees and look around. Nathan cannot believe that he compared this place to a hobbit den, or even thought of it as cozy. This place is not coming from a Tolkien book, but from a Grimm legend. The vegetable patch is a derelict of blackened and wizened husks, rot and draught fighting over the few remaining salads. The sight would be even more depressing with more lights. One thing is sure, the place is a dump.

Seren scratches her head and Nathan winces in sympathy. He gives her the flask and swallows a few gulp.

"Gah, why is it so bitter."

"It’s an acquired taste"

"Alright I have news. There is an alarm."

"Really? What is it this time, bird feathers?"

"No an actual alarm."

"…"

"You can see it from there."

True to her words, there is a sensor nested against the back entrance. If Nathan did not know it was there he would never have noticed it.

"So if this detects movements the security company will call the house, and then the cops? I find this… Doubtful."

"Well some apps will send you an instant notification. There could be a camera as well. Thing is…"

"Yes?"

"I think we’re being tested, so that means we should try not to fuck up anything."

"Yeah that makes sense. That said, if both doors are locked and the windows all have bars we’re kind of stuck. I can’t magic alarms."

"I think there is an unbarred window into the roof on the front, it’s pretty high."

"There is a metal ladder in the shed."

The pair head to the wooden edifice and carry the rusted implement back on their shoulders. After positioning the ladder against the wall they find out that they can barely reach the window. Seren breaks the glass with the pommel of her true steel sword and spends a minute making sure there is enough space for her to put her hand through, which Nathan approves of. You really don’t want to bleed massively all over the place during a burglary.

Soon enough they both awkwardly climb through the open window and realize that they hit the jackpot.

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