Goldfish Hell

“Star Trek: Next Generation, Cause and Effect,” Xander voiced whilst riding the bumpy metro bus taking him toward his school. There were only a few commuters on the morning bus, but he’s ridden the morning bus enough to know them all by now.

It took Xander getting stabbed in the chest by Ethan Rayne for his geek-mind to finally come up with an answer to this surreal lunacy and voiced aloud, “the enterprise was stuck in a time loop because it was getting destroyed over and over. After… however many loops, the captain and crew got the sense of déjà vu, figured out what was happening, why it was happening, and solved it before they got destroyed.”

The disturbed teenager noted a homeless man looking at him as if he were crazy, and Xander snorted with a crazed smile. “I guess it’s happening. I’m starting to lose my mind.”

It was Halloween at Sunnydale high school, yet again, and the raven-haired teen ignored all the decorative festivities. He made the conscious decision to pretend everything was alright. His rationality told him if he acted like nothing was different, then at some point, he was certain everything would continue like normal. To that end, Xander did everything as he did the first time, only with more determination, maybe even desperation. His friends seemed to sense his overzealousness, but simply looked at him oddly and said nothing of it.

Xander told Buffy off for not letting Larry punch him. He bought the toy guy and stayed well away from Ethan. He felt the Soldier persona take over his body, and as it did before, Xander watched from his numb mental prison. Finding Buffy, hiding in her house, saving Cordelia, Angel arriving, Willow leaving, their refuge being attacked, Buffy fleeing in fear from Angel’s vampiric face, punching Pirate-Larry, getting captured in the factory, and finally, Buffy fighting Spike off.

After Cordelia and Xander returned the children to their parents, Xander stayed up all night watching the Star Trek time loop episode repeatedly. He stayed up for as long as he could and even drank coffee, which he hated, and yet, Xander woke up to his blaring alarm, his stiff boner, his dirty room, and the same cartoon on his television.

“Oooh kay, okay, I think it’s time to freak out,” Xander panicked.

He’s looped either five or six times already, and the fact that he couldn’t remember the exact number of loops was more than enough to frighten him. Breathing deeply seemed to help keep his anxiety down long enough to drag Buffy and Willow away from the hallway before Snyder forced them to take part in chaperoning kids. When Buffy stopped the hyperventilating boy in the courtyard, the girls became worried about his state.

Willow placed a comforting hand on his shoulder and asked with obvious concern, “Xander, what’s wrong?”

Buffy begged with a hint of fear for her unnerved friend, “Breathe, Xander. Breathe.” And he dedicated all his focus on not having a panic attack.

“Okay, okay… Keep saying it, cuz it’s helping.” With their help and calming presence, Xander nodded as he regained his breathing rhythm. He finally explained, “Okay, you will not believe what’s been happening to me.” The anxious teen then rambled through his explanation of having repeated the same day five times and remembering everything that happened. They obviously didn’t believe him, but Xander told them he’d prove it. He grabbed Buffy’s hand and started dragging her away from school. He managed two steps before she stopped him with her overwhelming strength.

Looking at him with worried eyes, the beautiful blonde asked, “Xander, where are we going? School’s not that way.”

“To Ethan’s,” Xander answered as he continued to pull with all his meager might, but he couldn’t move the super-powered girl an inch.

“But we can’t skip school,” Willow sadly protested.

Shaking his head as he kept trying to pull the slayer, Xander emphasized, “I’m telling you, this is some major catastrophe we’d be avoiding!”

After a few seconds of consideration between the two girls, Buffy relented and told Willow, “Get Giles and meet us there.”

As Xander and Buffy waited near the costume shop, the anxious Xander explained everything in detail about the dress, Ethan Rayne, the curse, and Spike. By the time he was done, a neurotic Xander led Giles, Buffy, and Willow inside the cozy costume shop. The store owner wasn’t in the showroom and the shop had more items on the shelves than usual, but he ignored all of it to rush into the section with the red dress and pointed to it.

“See, see! That’s the dress! That’s it!”

Just then, Ethan walked out of the backroom. He was pleasant to greet his customers when he quickly recognized who was among them. Giles and Ethan locked eyes, and immediately, the well-mannered librarian blitzed his old friend. The Watcher tackled him to the floor before thrashing him mercilessly, easily scaring the teenagers. They had never seen Giles act so violently before, not even toward vampires. Buffy was forced to pull her suddenly vicious watcher off the bleeding man, however, Giles still forced the roughed up Ethan to reveal his plans. Soon after interrogating the agent of Chaos with heavy kicks to the stomach, the Scoobies then found the statue of Janus in the storage room at the back of the store.

‘This is exactly like the Star Trek episode,’ he thought with a tremendous rush of vindication. ‘Stopping Ethan before he even started.’

Giles took Ethan away and the girls happily congratulated their relieved friend. As the stress washed off him, he felt unexpectedly lethargic. Without chaos to solve or children to chaperone, the trio spend their night vegging on Buffy’s comfortable couch, laughing and snacking as they watch the Star Trek episode Xander told them about.

Eventually, they fell fast asleep, and the following morning, Xander woke up to his blaring alarm and his erection. Hoping Buffy and Willow don’t see him, he got up to go to the bathroom when the drowsy teen finally noted he was in his own room, in his own home, with no recollection of how he got there. The pigsty of a room looked exactly like it always had, and rushing to the TV, the same Mighty Max episode sent fear deep into his bones.

“No, no, no…” he groaned with growing trepidation.

Xander rushed to school and learned that Buffy, Willow, or Giles remembered nothing of what happened the day before, but upon hearing Ethan Rayne’s name, Giles wanted to know everything. Xander excitedly told him every detail before the group once again rushed to Ethan’s. They found the dress, the toy gun, the owner, and the statue, and once again, the Scoobies stopped the curse from reeking chaos & mayhem in Sunnydale before enjoying a night of movies, pizza, and candy.

However, throughout all the festivities, Xander was nervous. He didn’t want to let his fear ruin the fun, but he was scared he was going to wake up and repeat the day. And the moment the clock struck three AM, he did. Yet again, his friends remembered nothing of the day before, and Xander had to tell them everything again. Though they were happy everything was resolved without a life and death battle, Xander was anticipating he would loop again and they would forget their joyful moments with him again, which they did.

Xander would repeat Halloween day another ten times like this—always telling them what would happen—and with each loop, losing a shred of some semblance of control over his life. He felt like a mouse in a maze that always led to the beginning. Sanity, hope, faith, balance; he couldn’t say what he was losing, but he knew he was tipping in a scary direction and he needed to get out before something irreparable happened to his mind.

Xander began breaking away from the routine. First, he didn’t go to school. He learned that the town still went crazy, and he still looped promptly at three AM. He tried to get the girls to get different costumes, and as of yet, he couldn’t convince Buffy to buy another costume more than once. If she saw the red dress, she bought the red dress. The only time she managed to get another costume was when he begged them to go to a different store. Despite the change into the princess gown she wore, Xander would still loop.

He broke Ethan’s Janus statue without the help of his friends and was stabbed for his troubles before promptly looping back into his bed. Xander broke the statue once again, expected the knife strike, then dodged just in time to suffer nothing more than a minor cut before he ran as fast as he could. Xander found Giles in the library and told him everything. The foxy Ms. Calendar, a friend of the Scoobies and Computer teacher, was also there and heard it all, but he didn’t care. He hoped his solo act would solve this ever-increasing crisis, but it didn’t. Xander looped once again. No matter how many times he told Giles, Willow, and even Ms. Calendar, none of them could help him before the time expired and he suddenly woke up in his dirty bed again.

Concluding that the time warp must be a location problem, Xander tried running far away. He left the school and town for as far as his feet could take him. When his feet didn’t work to break the looping, he stole his father’s old Buick and drove as far as he thought reasonable, however, when LA wasn’t far enough to break out of the time loop, he drove past California state lines. When the state wasn’t far enough, he drove to Las Vegas, and then all the way to Texas. But he still looped back exactly at three AM.

Despair gripped Xander for at least three more loops, and his brain felt too dumb and overwhelmed to solve a problem of this magnitude. Worse yet, whenever he didn’t go to school, none of his friends called to check on him. It made him feel unwanted, but even when he went to school in the next loop, they would say the same things they always said, over and over again. Xander tried to change the conversation up, alter their train of thought, but mostly, the girls only cared to speculate about the type of women Angel might be attracted to. It was like his girl-friends and the rest of the school were stuck on chapter one of a book and he was on twenty with no way to bridge the gap.

When Xander learned Angel was what they were whispering about, he was instantly annoyed at first, but then, with every passing hour, he grew desperate enough to see the vampire. Angel was the only one he hadn’t told about the looping, and considering how long the vampire’s been alive, Xander imagined there was no way he couldn’t help him. If not a direct solution, then at least a direction to a solution.

Angel had nothing.

Xander had explained everything to the centuries-old vampire and not a single curse, hex, potion, or prophecy came to mind regarding time loops. Angel had never heard of such a thing, didn’t know anyone who might, and even the few loops the vampire asked around turned up nothing. Walking out of the vampire’s apartment, the teenager walked the evening back with clenched fists and kicking shrubbery.

He loudly cursed, “Useless good for nothing handsome vampire bastard. Two hundred and forty years, and all he seems to know how to do is rob the cradle!” Xander allowed himself to hate Angel even more because—as he would come to realize—it was better to hate him than feel the wretched depression at the pit of his stomach.

Xander’s next Hail Mary pass was to tell Cordelia everything. He had to drag her into an empty classroom to do so, but he had to try. Despite knowing she wouldn’t be of any help, he was still surprised and upset she couldn’t help him. Even more reckless than telling Angel or Cordelia, was when Xander walked into Ethan’s Costume Shoppe and told Ethan Rayne everything. It twisted his insides to confess everything to the suave Englishman, but Xander was growing more and more desperate by the continuing loops and the crazed boy wanted out. He needed to get out, and he’d do anything to do so.

“I can see you’re suffering,” Ethan amiably said with a sinister smirk.

“I can’t even die,” a haggard Xander yelled with wild hair and unkempt. Having thrown on whatever clothing was on the floor, he looked like a deadbeat bum. His eye twitched a bit as he pleaded to know, “How do I get out of this? You have to know something. You’re evil! This is right up your alley!”

“I’m afraid what you’re describing might be beyond my modest capabilities, or any warlock, I imagine,” Ethan humbly professed. Xander moved away from the countertop, anxiously fidgeting his clasped hands as the Englishman continued, “I can’t even begin to comprehend the amount of raw power it would take to alter the very flow time for all living energy in such an intricate fashion, and all for you. I can’t help but wonder why that is.”

“Torture,” Xander yelled as he restlessly walked back and forth in a line. “Cruel and unusual torture!”

“Unlikely. There must be something special about you,” Ethan voiced more to himself than the pacing teen.

“There isn’t,” Xander assured him, still pacing in front of the counter. “I mean, there could be. I could be like John Connor, the future savior of humanity from Skynet.”

“I do not, nor do I even care to know what that means,” Ethan said with revulsion on his face. “In all honesty, you should be rejoicing.” Xander whipped his head around to look at Ethan with crazed disbelief. Though he looked about ready to pop, the Brit ignored his manic appearance to relay, “My word, the things I would do. Most of us live the beginning and end of chaos. In this fascinating tale, chaos is constantly beginning and ending in you. You and I are nearly in the same line of work, my boy. You should be embracing it!”

“I DON’T WANT TO EMBRACE IT!” Ethan simply raised his eyebrows at the distraught teen’s outburst as Xander continued, “I want to get rid of it! I don’t even remember how many times I’ve looped! I’ve practically memorized what everyone’s going to say! This is like living in goldfish hell, only the goldfish knows it’s in hell!”

Ethan waited a moment for the young teenager to catch his breath before softly expressing, “My darling boy, I believe what you need is a break, mnn? Something to recharge the old batteries.”

With his haggard eyes, Xander deadpanned a silent intent to kill as he gravelly voiced, “You didn’t hear a goddamn word I said.”

“Listen,” Ethan began, ignoring the homicidal boy. “Take any costume that arouses your curiosity. Be someone else for the night! You’ve earned it.”

“I’ve already tried that,” Xander hotly retorted. “But your freaky shop of horrors has nothing but the most mundane monsters, dresses, pirate crap, and a bunch of other boring nonsense!”

With a comforting smile, the suave, yet evil Englishman easily inquired, “Then what would you like to be?” Xander looked at him in confusion as the older man added, “It’s still early and I’m a reasonable man. I have plenty of material in the back and I can make quite a lot.”

“…Really?”

“Name it,” the sociopath coxed with a smile and a nod. “The more interesting, the more eager I’ll be.”

Xander pondered the offer for a moment, and could almost feel his dreadful panic decline at the prospect of being in the shoes of someone interesting. With a much calmer disposition, the young teen slowly asked, “Do you have any Marvel, DC, Star Wars, Star Trek, Dr. Who-”

“I refuse,” Ethan irately interrupted, crushing Xander’s gentle ray of hope. “If it’s on a television screen or read in a comic panel, please trust that I do not, nor will I ever, carry that colorful hogwash in my establishment.”

Eying the absurd Brit like he was demented, Xander had to clarify, “even Dr. Who? That’s like your guys’ bread and butter.”

“Never,” he yelled with finality, slamming his fist on the counter.

“Then we’re right back at square one,” Xander yelled, pushing away from the man’s countertop in irate frustration. “Why am I even talking to you?”

“Might I suggest a ghost costume?” Ethan attempted to sell with the confidence of a sleazy salesman. “It will allow you to go anywhere you like regardless of the barrier. I’m certain a young man such as yourself can think of a few places you’d like to visit.”

“You have to know I’m going to tell my friends about you and the Janus curse,” Xander voiced in a defeated tone.

“Naturally,” Ethan easily accepted. He grinned wickedly, pridefully, as he professed, “and it would seem you will do so over and over and over until you finally come to realize that all the great answers in life are only ever preceded by chaos.”

Depressed and despondent, Xander did in fact dress as a ghost that night, and to his horror, could do nothing but watch Buffy’s throat being ripped out by a horned, grey-skinned, bull-demon. When he was supposed to be the Soldier that pushed Lady Buffy from the dangers of the outside into Buffy’s home, he was now a massless ghost watching the girl he loves scream and gargle as the monster’s sharp teeth viciously ripped her throat out, spewing blood everywhere.

The way the mildly elastic skin shredded, blood spewed, and muscle tissue stretched from the open wound to its bloody teeth was a gory and disgusting mess to bear. Xander cried and gagged over her body, and as he was unable to touch her, he could only watch the beautiful girl convulse and shake erratically for twenty impossibly long seconds. As the light behind her greenish-blue eyes died out, it was the first time he felt unadulterated horror at what this time-warped life could be like if it went on forever. Then he saw black before hearing his blaring alarm.

Xander woke up in his pigsty of a room. All his comics, action figures, and piles of clothes were exactly as he remembered them on October 31st. His morning salute was also exactly as it tended to be in the mornings, which meant the girl he loved had to still be alive. He cried for the entire Mighty Max episode in great relief. It wasn’t until he was rushing to school, desperate to see her with his own eyes, that Xander wondered why he looped back when he hadn’t been killed nor reached the three AM deadline.

With knitted brows and slanted lips, a curious Xander huffed, “huh.”