“Congratulations, Julia. You have completed the fourth task.”

“Fuck you, D. Just don’t fucking talk to me, not yet.” I stalked forward on aching feet, dropping layers of gear and filthy clothes as I moved forward. I had to stop to get my boots off, and the braid in my hair had been in so long it was almost matted permanently in place, but I was fully nude by the time I reached my shower stall. I turned on pure hot water and grabbed one of the hotel soaps and a tiny packet of shampoo. I hadn’t been clean in ages and a shower was my first priority.

The water that ran down the drain at first held a disgusting brownish tint, but as I stood under the shower head and let the hot water sooth my aching muscles it began to clear. After the first rinse, I soaped up. Then after washing, I sighed and washed again. Even my hair felt clean after a while and I finally shut off the shower. My feet hurt and I was sore from sleeping on the ground, and I looked back and forth from my simple bed to the nearly pornographic hot tub in the corner. I decided that since I was already wet I might as well. I climbed past the female statue, “Excuse me miss “ and sank down into the water. The jets fired up automatically without my having to touch a control, and I sighed and leaned back into the padded sides. My legs floated up and I flinched when one of them brushed up against the 8 inch marble cock at the water’s edge jutting from the male. “Sorry, buddy. Don’t get excited.”

I accepted the fact that I was floating in what was basically a giant sex toy, and just tried to relax and enjoy the soothing heat bubbling agains tired muscles. I looked up at the same featureless beige ceiling that was visible from my bed and called out.

“Okay, the D. Can you still hear me from here?”

“You can communicate with me clearly from any location within the habitat.”

“Super, sorry I snapped at you earlier. It’s been a rough couple of days.” I didn’t know if the AI had feelings or was capable of building up resentment towards a player, but I figured I didn’t need anymore trouble than this Game would cause on its own. “You got any important information to drop this time? They gonna screw me over with a 4th item now?”

“There is no additional information to be provided on completion of the fourth task. I can offer you congratulations. You successfully made your way to the nearest city although at a much slower pace than minimum time possible.”

“Because I didn’t get a freaking map, the D. How was I supposed to know where the damn city was?”

“Physical maps are eligible for purchase in the store as items, as well as interactive digital versions as amenities.”

I sighed in frustration. “Good to know, the D. Any other little tidbits of that sort you would like to provide before my next task?”

“Not at this time.”

“Oh goody. If I was apparently super slow about it, how many points did I earn?”

“64,000 points were accrued in your 4th task, but you did not receive any bonuses based on our metric system.”

“Wait, I thought I was hella slow. Where did all the points come from?”

“Your actions with the slave caravan are projected to cause significant social upheaval. As this should improve the entertainment quotient of the program you were given a significant boost to your rate of point accrual for this task.”

I wasn’t completely sure I followed that, but it seemed like he’d said that I’d caused a shitstorm of trouble and they’d rewarded me for it. Thinking back over the past couple of days put a sour taste in my mouth, and I heaved myself up over the rim of the tub and stalked naked and dripping back into the other room to retrieve my bottle of Johnnie Walker off the floor. A thought struck me and I looked up. “How much for a pint of Ben & Jerrie’s Phish Food and a spoon?”

“As an amenity only, 500 points.”

“Do it.”

I collected my ice cream and tucked my whiskey bottle under my arm before I headed back to the hot tub. There was plenty of space on the rim for my items, and I laid them down out of reach of a splash before I lowered myself back in. I took the lid off both and started my breakfast of champions as I worked the shop.

“Okay, refresh me, with the points from this time and the stuff I didn’t spend last, how many points have I got?”

“72,500 points.”

“That sounds like a lot. How am I comparing to other players?”

“Mean point total of surviving players at this stage of the game is 61,426 points.”

“That sounds oddly specific. Okay, I’m beating the average. Woohoo. Allright, first things first, I’m gonna close the barn door now that the horse is gone. You said there were maps, but how about an atlas? I want a full on book of maps showing the whole kingdom, plus demographic information, points of interest, the whole Froders kind of thing. How much would that cost?”

That sort of book would be available as both an . . “

“Just looking for the item.”

“13,500 points to receive it in black and white, 15,000 for full color illustrations.”

“Well hell, I don’t want to look like a cheapskate. Give me the color one by all means. I’m starting to get all kinds of stuff to carry, are bags and backpacks the same price as clothing?”

“Standard items are. Items linked by portal to storage in the housing units are 10 to 50 thousand points.”

“Linked by portal? What you mean I can move stuff back and forth from here to there by pushing it through the bag?”

“That is correct.”

“Bam, I want one. What’s the difference in price?”

“The size of the bag. Larger openings are more expensive. As this end of the portal is fixed, only items placed within range can be moved back and forth between worlds. Larger opening allow for greater reach and physically larger items to be stored.”

“Can living beings pass through the bags?”

“Partially, sentient beings passing through the portal will have their minds destroyed. The body will remain alive in a vegetative state, but the destruction of the mind is irreversible.”

I paused with a bite of ice cream suspended in midair. “That makes zero sense. If we’re all just digital consciousnesses, why the hell would they keep the body around without the person themself?”

“I cannot provide that information to you at this time.”

I frowned and mentally filed it away as some kind of game mechanic. This whole trapped in another world thing was a horribly stupid idea anyway. I was living it and it all seemed like bad fiction. “Whatever, so how big is the 10,000 point bag?”

“It is a circular leather coin purse with a 5 inch diameter?”

“Um, no rulers here, the D, and it's kind of important. Let me rephrase, would the cheapest bag be big enough I could for instance slide my entire arm through?”

“Unless you gain a significant amount of muscle mass or body fat then yes, that is possible.”

“I’ll try and watch my figure. Give me the bag. How many points do I have left?”

“The location where you place the black sticker contained with the bag will be your anchor point in this housing unit. You have 47,500 points remaining.”

I kind of wanted to go check out the new magic bag, but at this point I was almost finished with my ice cream and I was relaxed far enough I didn’t want to have to get out of the tub. I would have to at some point, if just to wash my clothes. I scrunched up my face at that thought, dreading scrubbing them out in the bottom of the shower.

“Hey, the D, what kind of laundry facilities are available here as an amenity?”

“A full range of amenities are available, bucket and washboard, a contemporaneous washer and dryer from from your world, or a fully automatic instantaneous cleaning and mending apparatus.”

“How much is that last one?”

“25,000 points. The repair function is only compatible with wearable items.”

I didn’t care about that nearly as much as I cared about the fact that I might not ever have to wash my own clothes again. “Buy that puppy, the D, right now.” I started to giggle as a small door materialized in the wall near my bed, and cut the noise off immediately. I gave the bottle of whiskey in my hand a suspicious look. The 5th was still mostly full, but I decided mixing a hot tub, exhaustion, near starvation, and whiskey hadn’t been my wisest choice. I screwed the top back on the bottle and blinked twice trying to will myself to sobriety.

“How many points now?

“22,500 remaining.”

I rolled over in the hot tub, slopping an ungainly amount of water over the rim. “Ehhhhh, make sure you wake me up an hour and a half before I’m due at the next task, the D.” He made some kind of response but I wasn’t really listening as I splashed my way out of the tub. I was drunk enough to goose the ass of the marble statue next to me and cackle furiously as I made my swaying way over to the bed. I had every intention of trying out my new laundry facility and doing something with my hair before it dried, but passed out naked and still soaking as soon as I hit the bed.