《Songs of Mercy》Chapter 13
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There it was again! Svana felt a vibration upon her skin. It was warm and it was not the sunlight. It emanated from within her. This was what Rina had told her to notice, to focus in on. This was her Aura, where it met her skin. Excitement rushed throughout Svana in a vibration all her own but she tried to calm herself. Her heart raced but she breathed and kept her awareness on the sensation all across the surface of her body. Where her skin met the air there was... something else there. It was wiggly. Sometimes it was prickly.
It was no use. She kept imagining it -- the shape such a thing as an Aura would take on. Was it like an orb around her? Was it moving like water? Was it colorful? She had to know. Maybe she would see it this time. Maybe she was a natural. Feeling such a thing was a good sign right? Okay, she would open her eyes and see it -- now!
Her eyes opened wide but only saw the fields below her. She sighed heavily. Getting the focus back again would be hard. Rina heard her frustration and spoke up.
"Distracted again?"
Svana tightened her lips, exhaled again through her nostrils and stared out at the remainder of the Scarred Lands below. Rolling hills and wide rivers cut through Nadi's floor, the water among the green looking bright and blue from the sun. Svana had learned about such tricks of the eye from the lessons her and all the other kids in Gnosh got in the evenings before suppertime.
The hill she and Rina sat on was steep with a nearly flat top. Svana sat near the edge of the hill, cross-legged, following Rina's lessons as she's done for the past hundred miles. The first step to controlling her Gift was sensing her own Aura. Which was done through medi... er... mediation. That was the word. It was when someone sat down and cleared their mind of nothing but one thing, and they would focus on that one thing for a very long time. It was meant to bring clarity.
Svana would get as far as noticing the first steps Rina talked about -- feeling the vibration. And then it would fall apart. As for ever seeing it... maybe Aura was like the wind. There and feelable but unseeable.
"You have to stay with the sensations," Rina said from behind, the sounds of her stuffing things into her bag filling the silence of the world.
"I know," Svana said, frowning. She fell onto her back and looked up at the sky. "Mediating is hard." She didn't like sounding like a whiner. Mama always told her not to whine when she was upset. 'For such a curious and loving girl, you sure do have a temper,' she would always say. But Svana couldn't help it when she was angry. Why couldn't she just focus on one thing? Why couldn't she just stay with it?
Rina chuckled. "Meditation," she corrected.
Damn it, she couldn't even get that right. And she knew she shouldn't say curse words but in her head it would be alright. She was just angry. Only the Gods could hear her and they already hated her anyway.
That woman Thea might have been able to hear her though. So she apologized to her, just in case.
"Yeah, meditation." Svana got up and turned to Rina, "Every time I end up getting close I get so excited. I just want to see what Aura looks like. I always picture it in my head. And I get excited because, I just know it's there whenever I feel it. But it never is." She huffed. "I mean I know it's there. But it's not too."
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Rina stuffed their bedrolls inside the bag and secured the straps around their waterskins and firemaking gear. Rina smiled as she worked. Svana knew her own Gift must have been in full swing, because Svana herself didn't feel so hungry having skipped breakfast. This also meant Svana was sending Rina strength and energy which made her feel good. Even though she didn't know how to stop taking Rina's Gift away, at least she could give her something in return.
Rina laughed. "Hardly anyone alive today can actually see Aura. The time it takes to learn to sense such things is vigorous enough. Actually seeing Aura is something else entirely."
Svana crossed her legs and leaned forward. "So there were people who could see Aura? Have any of them talked about what it looks like?" So it was possible to do it. She hoped it looked how she imagined it would. With colors.
Rina tightened a final strap and sat down, looking out over the fields. Svana really liked her long black hair when it was down. It fluttered in the wind and she moved some out of her face. Svana wished her hair was dark like that. Yellow hair was okay. But she had it in common with no one. Not anymore, anyway.
Svana also admired Rina's face. It was pretty, smooth skin. Svana knew how she herself looked. Scars across her lips, some upon her cheeks, all of it raised and mangled flesh. It didn't hurt to think about when she was among others who were the same. But now... she was leaving the Scarred Lands. She'd be among so many people who didn't look like her. They would probably all stare and judge. So she had to get good with Aura and with her Gift. Because there wasn't much else about her that was good.
Rina continued. "The stories told from the few who have been able to do such things actually vary. It turns out everyone's Aura looks, smells, sounds, and tastes differently. There is a general feeling that it all shares however, which is the first and easiest thing to learn while training to sense Aura."
Svana was in awe, escaping her self loathing and focusing in on this incredible information. "You can taste Aura?? Smell it and hear it too??"
Rina grinned at her and raised a finger. "First step is feeling it. Master all the fine details of that and you'll be sensitive to smelling and hearing. For some, one comes easier than the other. After that, people are able to taste Aura which is very, very rare. There are few well-trained Tracers who can feel, smell and hear Aura all at once. Then, after that, it's possible to even see Aura."
Svana's mind raced of all the different possible smells and tastes there could be for such things. What did hers have? Maybe hers smelled like bread because of how often Gnosh smelled of freshly cooked bread. She hoped it tasted like it too, but she would have been okay with fruit too, especially blackberries. Or if it was of the red flowers along the pathways back home toward the river.
She smiled to herself and hoped her Aura would sound like Mama's nightly singing or the humming she would do while working in the garden. Or Yellow's barks when he was in a playful mood.
"I want to experience all of those things with my Aura," Svana said.
"It is possible," Rina said. "The Gifted who founded Matrun's civilization was a man with a powerful Gift." She spread her hands wide. "He could spread his Aura across the entire planet. And send a message through it for all to hear."
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"You can do that?"
Rina smiled. "Well, in theory, yes."
"What's a theory?"
"Well," Rina hesitated. "I mean, as far as we know, Aura has no limits for how far it can extend. It has its natural state of being. And we can expand our Aura far and wide. But there's a price to pay for that." Rina looked at her. "Which we'll get into later. Just know, if you ever feel as though you need to force your Aura to go further than you feel it can -- don't force it. It could kill you, Svana."
"...oh." Svana didn't like that. She wanted Aura to be pretty and wonderful. It certainly felt that way when she could sense the little she could. But then she thought of being able to speak with others from far, far away. "Could this man hear people if they talked back to them?"
"Hmm. Not that I know of. Honestly I'm not sure. I don't remember hearing anything about that. The stories only tell of him speaking to others in such a way."
"Oh. I was just wondering if maybe Thea was a Gifted who could do something like that." She and Rina looked at each other.
"Ah," Rina said, looking down, deep in thought. "It's possible, I guess. But if she were, I'm surprised she would be able to hear anything you said first."
Svana grinned. "Maybe I'm better at this than I think!"
Rina laughed. "Says the girl who can't manage to stand still longer than five minutes!"
Svana gave her a look but couldn't hold back her smile.
"Alright," Rina said, getting up and throwing the bag onto her shoulders. "Ah, your Gift has me feeling ready for a long hike. Ready to be sweaty and exhausted some more?"
Svana sighed. "No..." But she got up. She kept the knowledge of leaving the Scarred Lands behind for good in the back of her mind. She didn't want to leave... but staying meant nothing but hatred and fear and death.
Despite Svana's Gift granting them both healing and strength Rina had told her of its limits. Unfortunately it did not make them invincible. Plus, it would flicker in and out randomly. And whenever it left them it was noticeable, their bodies nearly falling to the weight of their own waning strength.
What got Svana through the miles were the wonders this far away from her little village that was now lost to her. There was no way she could find her way back on her own. Out here, like most of the Scarred Lands, were mostly green fields and rivers. But there were makeshift paths and funny little creatures hiding in the grass or on the side of pathways. She knelt down and pet the little roaming furry four-legged animals she came across. She had never seen such things before but Rina told her they were called Furballs and they were friendly. The Furball was about the size of her foot and its entire body was of brown, soft fuz. She couldn't tell if it was chubby from the amount of hair or if it was fat. It paused as she stroked the top of its head and down its back. Its head was circular and didn't seem to have many features besides two black beady eyes. Though it must have had a mouth because a light squeaking emanated from it as she petted it.
"He's so cute!" Svana said. "I'm afraid I'll step on them going forward."
"They're resilient," Rina said. She came over and crouched down. "Don't worry. Watch." She removed her bag and dropped it right on the creature, the pack landing with a thud.
Svana's heart sank. She squealed and yanked the bag off. The poor thing was literally flat beneath it.
"You've killed it!" Svana shoved Rina but Svana was the one who fell over. Rina didn't even budge.
"Svana..." Rina said, sounding annoyed. "Just look."
Svana was about to cry but she looked at the little Furball and saw its body rise up and become full again, as if it was just filled with air, like a chest expanding. She breathed a sigh of relief when the animal squeaked about, curled up into a tight ball and rolled away down the path.
"Furballs can withstand almost any amount of pressure. Takes a strong piercing to actually wound them." Rina scooched over and squeezed Svana's shoulder. "You don't think I'd just kill something like that, do you?"
"No..." Svana felt silly. Svana paused. She thought back on Rina being so injured, back when she was saved from the Royal soldiers. "You kill people, right?"
Rina seemed taken aback. She sighed. "I've killed people when it meant saving someone else's life." Rina looked down. "But yes, Svana. I've killed people. But I don't take joy in hurting anyone. I do what I have to do."
Why would you have to kill someone? "Have you tried talking to them instead if things aren't working out?"
Rina smiled. "Svana how did you react when you thought I had hurt or killed that Furball?"
Svana gasped. She had immediately tried to hurt Rina. "I... well, I didn't want to. Or, I didn't mean to, I guess."
"Yes you did mean to. You tried to stop me however you could if it meant the ceasing of the pain of another living thing." Rina sighed. "It's okay to do whatever you have to do to stop the pain. But know this, Svana. Killing is no small matter. It should always be a final resort, if you or anyone you love is in severe danger. Avoid it if you can. Promise me you will not look at me and think what I do is okay." Rina looked directly into Svana's eyes.
"I don't want to ever kill anyone. I don't want to hurt anyone either."
Rina smiled. "Good. You have a wonderful ability that, if used correctly, can solve conflicts without bloodshed or harm. And you'll master it someday."
Svana smiled. "I'm sorry for trying to push you."
"You have a good heart, Svana. It's okay."
Svana looked up. The distant mountains were no longer so distant. The dark clouds of the Storming Grasslands beyond thundered and could be heard from even this distance. Soon, the Scarred Lands would fall away into rocks and dirt and greyness. A world Svana has never known. She ran up and pulled Rina's arm.
"Is that where we're heading?" She pointed to the clouds beyond the mountains.
Rina looked down and nodded.
"I'm afraid," Svana said. "I'm afraid of leaving home."
Rina held out her hand. Svana took it and gripped it tightly.
Miles later, they approached the passage through the mountains on their way to the Storming Grasslands. The grass they walked through was tall and soft and painted red with large flowers. All of this beauty. The final stretch of all Svana had known. Rina had told her it would be rough travels through the lands ahead. And as the green fields fell away into rocks and dirt, Svana stopped. Towering mountains rose up before them. The air had gone colder. All smelled of rain.
Rina kept walking, being stopped, noticing Svana was behind her, still holding her hand tightly. Svana couldn't move, realizing what would happen once she left the grassy floor.
Rina turned around and released Svana's hand. Rina was standing on the rocks. Svana on the grass.
Svana tightened her fists, wanting to be brave but couldn't help it. She turned around, looking at the greenery waving up and down for miles. The waterfall they had passed a few miles back ducked into a pocket in the ground. The main trail could be seen slightly. Far, far away there was Gnosh. Despite having Rina she felt like she had no one. If she stayed, she would have no one but those trying to kill her. But still, this was home. This was all she had known. Gods, she was shaking so much. It felt like the time she leaped off that waterfall for the first time with Jerra. Her heart was in her stomach and her body shivered.
Rina had walked back to her. Svana turned and looked up to the tall woman, who stood around three feet taller than she did.
"I've never left the Scarred Lands before." She looked past Rina to the dark, rocky path moving forward. Mysterious and its distances unseen. "Will I ever come back?" Please say yes... She needed Rina to say yes. But she knew what the answer would be.
Rina crouched down. "I'm sorry," she said.
Svana looked down and felt defeated. "Will I ever be happy, Rina? Will I ever find a home?"
Rina took her hands. Svana looked up at her and snapped out of her sadness and fears. Rina's eyes were strong, she noticed. Direct and green and pretty. Svana felt seen. And the hands around hers were warm and firm.
"You will be happy," Rina said. "I promise. Beginning again isn't so bad. Matrun can be a home for you."
Svana wanted here to be home. Her feet in the grass. She wanted Gnosh to be home. But there was no going back. There was nothing for her in the Scarred Lands any longer. She nodded. "I want to go home."
"Well," Rina smiled, standing but not letting go of Svana's hand. "Home is forward. It's where I want to go too." Rina hesitated. Looked off into the distance. "I'm afraid too, Svana. I'm afraid a lot of the time." She looked down and smiled at her. "So, I'll need a little help moving forward too."
Rina was afraid too? A warrior like her? But she could still do so much despite the fear.
It was then that she realized why she jumped off the waterfall all those days ago with Jerra. If she was alone she probably wouldn't have done it. But knowing there was Jerra down below, someone who had gone through the same ordeal, someone who would be with her through it, gave her the strength she needed to jump.
Svana took in a deep breath, squeezed Rina's hand tightly and squeezed her shirt with her other hand. "I'll help you get home," Svana said, determined.
And she took the step.
Svana felt the difference in terrain instantly. The comforting grass and soil was behind her. Beneath her feet was uneven ground, rocky, harsh and tough to balance on. She wanted to look back. Just one more time. Just to admire the sunshine and the greenery a final time. But she kept her eyes forward.
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