Maya spent the remainder of the evening smithing, emerging from her creation trance roughly half an hour before midnight.

She smiled, praising her subconscious for its excellent time-keeping ability and lack of horrible failure for once. But her good mood faded as she remembered why she’d needed to stop before midnight.

Reluctantly, Maya turned her mind to the now-immediate problem of her daily trickster quest: Assassinate a quest NPC.

She had to at least make the attempt, or seem to do so sufficiently to evade the Trickster’s penalty. Which left only the question of who.

To meet her criteria, it would need to be someone strong enough to hold her off but not so strong they killed her immediately, and not anyone that would cause an entire town to become hostile. Which ruled out either of the cities. She wasn’t going to risk angering Nirsym or Kalyx. Probably someone in the Western Wilds would be ideal, as the second zone was the lowest level non-hub zone, and she should theoretically outlevel it within a few weeks.

With no time to delay, she hurried to the leypillar, transited to zone 2, and appeared in the small trading post that had been established around the leypillar within its protective influence. Maya glanced up at the leaderboard, or more specifically at the quest board beside it. It currently had only a single quest available, one marked as highest difficulty: Slay the Minotaur Master. That wasn’t particularly helpful, and she had no idea who would give the quest.

"Excuse me, do you know anything about that Minotaur quest?" she asked the nearest shopkeeper, a burly lizardine merchant in a worn green tunic. He frowned and shook his head.

Maya hurried around the encampment, asking the question with increasing urgency as she felt the minutes slipping away. Maybe she’d waited too long to get started.

But then someone called from the gap between two caravans, and a flash of a hand beckoned her closer.

"You askin' about the Minotaur?" asked a grubby teenage elf, lounging against the back of a wagon with his arms crossed.

Maya nodded, starting to feel uncomfortable. If this was the quest giver, she wasn't sure she could bring herself to attack him. But with the influx of new players, there were no other quests available right now.

"You want to find the sinkholes," the kid said, nodding. "That's the secret."

"Okaayy... do you know anyone else around here who has a quest available? I'm not sure the minotaur is my speed."

"The minotaur is very fast, but it's his master you really need to worry about. No one who has faced the dark master returns unscathed."

"Right, and that sounds even more out of my league." Maya glanced at her luck bonus, at her quest countdown. Eight minutes left. She had to decide, quickly.

Should she attack him? It felt so wrong. But, she supposed, that was the point. Roll badly, do bad things.

It's just a game. They're not real.

She wished she could believe it. But when even the boss monsters were convinced they were people with their own goals despite their limitations, how much more alive were the quest NPCs?

"What's your name?" she asked the slouching kid, who now was whittling something with a tiny rusted knife.

"Bredge," he replied. "Bredge of the Wilds."

"Do you mind if I try to kill you?"

His hands stilled and he slowly looked up. "What?"

"I need to try to kill someone, so, y’know…" Maya chuckled nervously.

He gripped his tiny knife more tightly and stood up straighter. "I do think I’d mind. I’ve not survived this long to go down without a fight."

"Well, do you know anyone else who gives out quests?"

He stiffened. "I’m not going to sell anyone out to you," he spat. "What is wrong with you?"

"I’m really sorry, but it’s important. I have to."

He looked around, waited for her lunge, then dove to the side and seized a nearby branch length from a stack of firewood. It wasn’t a very good weapon, but it had better reach than his knife.

He held it with both hands, pointing it at Maya. "Just stay away," he warned, voice trembling. "You’re crazy."

Maya started to laugh, and then she couldn’t stop. "I am, aren’t I?"

She wasn’t sure when she started crying, wasn’t sure if it was before or after she nailed him with a point-blank frost bolt, before or after he crumpled immediately to the ground as though his health pool were 20 instead of the 100+ it should have been.

Oops.

But, then the quest completed notification didn’t show up.

She turned away and didn’t ask if he was faking it. Through the blur of tears she wouldn’t be able to tell anyway.

Maya stumbled toward the leypillar, expecting to be attacked from behind at any moment. But no attack came. She placed her palm against the obsidian surface and selected Nirsym City [2]. The dark underground chamber felt appropriate, and as far as she knew only herself and a handful of others knew about or could access it.

It wasn’t much of an escape, but it was a good place to hide from the world until she pulled herself back together. It was just a stupid quest. This was an overreaction and she knew it.

‘You’re crazy.’

That really was the problem, wasn’t it? What it came down to in the end. Maya Stader was such a complete mess, and no system could compensate sufficiently to hide it.

Maybe there was a reason Drew never came for her.

But…

But Darrow had.

She couldn’t stop herself. There was only so much pretending she could do before it all built up, a weight constantly accruing until it could crush her.

Was running away the only thing she knew how to do?

Mission failed: Trickster Day 17

No one came for her. No one knew where to look, even if they cared to try.

And even though she told herself that’s what she wanted, it still hurt. Sevard would have come, if he’d been here, if he’d been able to. There really wasn’t anyone else she could count on.

Or was there?

"Z—Xaneta, Xaneta," Maya whispered.

"This is Xaneta, may I ask who’s calling?" her voice was bright, too cheerful, too sharp.

"Maya," Maya mumbled. "I’m … I can’t…"

She heard Xaneta’s intake of breath, felt her understanding. And she hated it, hated that everyone knew, hated that she was so weak. What business was it of theirs?

She almost hung up, but before she could make the decision Xaneta’s voice broke in. "Where are you?"

"Under Nirsym."

"Under?"

"Secret room. I can come up."

"I’ll be right there. Three minutes."

Maya nodded, though Xaneta couldn’t see her. "Thanks," she whispered, and ended the call. She touched the leypillar and transited up to the plateau above. The light of the city was beautiful in the night, glinting across the sand, glowing like a hundred embers. She leaned back against the leypillar and stared out at it, realizing there was one other person she could talk to. But Venix wasn’t a trickster, and Maya couldn’t be sure she’d be logged in. And right now, searching for someone felt like too much effort.

She’d brought her uncontrolled emotions to a semblance of calm by the time Xaneta appeared. She didn’t feel calm, but she managed to stand upright and appear a bit less on the verge of complete collapse.

"Maya?"

"Hi, Xaneta," Maya said dully.

"Lucy. My friends call me Lucy."

She offered a hand, and Maya let Xaneta - Lucy - pull her to her feet.

"Come, walk with me."

Maya nodded and followed her down the steps from the arrival plateau to the desert between the leypillar and the city. She started for the city instinctively, but Lucy steered her in the other direction, along the beach.

"What’s your luck?"

"Minus 100," Maya mumbled. "Eighteen hours. I need to wait out yesterday’s penalty."

"That’s your first problem. Whatever negative emotions you’re feeling right now, the negative luck is amplifying them. It may feel like the end of the world, but I promise you’ll be fine. You’ll come out the other side, into a new day, with new luck, and it’ll all be history."

Maya nodded. It made sense.

But even if her emotions were being amplified, at their core they were still her own problems. High luck may hide them, but it couldn’t solve them.

And right now, neither thought was helping. They both made it only more frustrating.

"And in future," Xaneta continued, "never roll more than twice if you can help it. Three times at a maximum if you absolutely can’t live with the outcome, but if it stays bad stop."

"I know," Maya grumbled. "I’ve heard it before."

"Apparently you need to be reminded," Xaneta said, her voice softening. "Do not roll over into another day's luck. This is serious. You have to resist the impulse. It's tempting to think the next roll will be better, but sometimes it is and sometimes it isn't. You cannot trust blind luck, you need to have a system and stick to it even when you don't want to. Roll twice."

Maya nodded. "Okay. If I don't forget."

"Why would you forget?"

"I forget everything."

Lucy gave her an odd look. "You shouldn't be. That's not normal."

Maya scuffed her foot harshly into the sand, kicking it out ahead of her in a spray. "Yeah. I've heard that too. I know, I'm the most useless player here. I'm actually lower on the leaderboard now than I was when I first started playing."

"You can't worry too much about the leaderboard rankings. It happens. You're a trickster, sooner or later you'll pull ahead so long as you have any sort of dedication. And you're a founder so you don't have to leave to fulfill other obligations. There's nothing holding you back."

"Except myself."

"Everyone has to deal with being themself. It's the one real problem here. After all, if you can be anyone, anywhere, anytime, the only problem remaining is who you are."

"And I'm useless and stupid and—"

"Stop."

Maya looked up at Lucy's harsh tone. The vampire woman had stopped walking and stared back at her, face serious.

"You are reinforcing your negative impressions of yourself. You may not be able to stop thinking it, but you can stop saying it."

"What do you know?"

"I've been an Otherworlds resident since 2304, remember? I know a lot more than you do."

Maya looked away, ashamed.

"Stop slumping. You look like you're some runaway child waiting to be beaten. We're going to bring you up to your potential, and we're not going to do it by retreading the same paths you've worn yourself into."

"Do we have to do this now? I'm so tired, I think I just want to sleep off my bad luck and then we can try again in the evening. I don’t know why I even called you, I shouldn’t have wasted your time."

"You’re not a waste of time, and we're doing this now. If you think you can get out of it by being tired then you'll keep making excuses until you never move forward. It's not easy. That's the point. That's why it's worth doing."

"Get out of what, life?"

"Yes. You’re not allowed to hide and wallow."

"What if that’s what I need?" Maya demanded.

"It isn’t. If you need rest, that’s one thing. If you need a break, that’s another. But that’s not what this is. This, you have to fight, or it’ll leave you dark and empty."

"I don't see what you think it'll really change," Maya mumbled, staring down at the sand. "Some things can’t be fought. I'm not like you. I'm just..."

"Stop. You are here, you are alive, and you are a person. That puts you on even footing with trillions of other players. The only thing differentiating us now is what we choose to do with ourselves."

"But you don't have a broken brain."

"And neither do you," Xaneta snapped. "You have deeply ingrained bad habits that you're too lazy to break out of."

"I'm not lazy."

"Mentally, you are."

"Not everything can be fixed by just wishing for it! I can't work my way out of being me."

"Not true. Maybe before, but here you can do anything. It just takes work."

"You don't know anything about—"

"Stop," Lucy said again, forcefully, then took a deep breath. "Maya. This is a virtual world. You're not going to be limited to the same restrictions as reality. If you were born unable to walk, do you really think Otherworlds is going to carry over that stupid limitation to this reality? Do you think people with chronic pain or debilitating illnesses would come here still crippled? Of course not! So why do you assume mental problems are somehow insurmountable?"

"Then why am I still like this?! If Otherworlds fixes everything, why hasn't it fixed me?"

"Because it doesn't fix anyone. It puts you in a world where you are capable of fixing yourself. If you never knew how to walk in the real world, you don't automatically know how to do it here. They don't tamper, they don't change things; they aren’t allowed to even if they wanted to, so they upload you in your current state. And if you couldn't walk, you'd have to learn. But you can learn. That's the difference between Otherworlds and the physical worlds."

Lucy started walking again, and Maya followed, feeling the faintest sparks of hope.

"So, I don't have to stay this way?"

"Of course not. If you could pull it, there are professionals to help guide you through adaptation alterations, but I doubt either of us could afford them. Supply and demand, too many people uploading every day for prices to be anything but extravagant." Lucy grimaced. "When people can and will grind for decades to afford their time, it makes it hard to justify keeping prices affordable for the rest of us."

"But what about books, websites, blogs, guide videos? Those things should still exist, right? Do it yourself?"

"True, but there's less impetus there. You haven't searched them out of your own volition, have you?"

"Well, I didn't know they existed, or what to look for, or..."

"You didn't make it a priority. And neither do most people. Because they're all so focused on the 'physical', on grinding levels and making money and improving their skills, they don't bother to do the one thing that could actually change their lives."

"So that's why you're here? To make me do mental exercises and 'learn to walk?’"

"No, I'm here because you're Sev's friend and I owe him a favor. But if what you need is to do mental exercises and learn to walk, then that's what I'll teach you."

Maya stopped walking and turned to stare out at the ocean waves lapping against the shore. The moon was bright, the same brightness as every night, providing enough illumination to see by while still feeling dark and nighttime-y. Then she sat down, running her feathered fingers through the sand, She felt something firm, pulled out a curved shell. She couldn't make out the colour, but dusted it off and traced the spiral shape with one finger.

Lucy sat down beside her, close but not intrusively so.

"I don't know," Maya whispered. "I don't want to break myself further."

"That's why you need help. If I'm here then I can pull you back if you start on the wrong path. And there are always backups, I’ll walk you through how to restore one if it becomes necessary."

"But... do I even want to change? Is there any reason to think I won't hate the new and improved version just as much?"

"If you could be anyone, who would you want to be?"

Maya felt tears at the edges of her eyes and blinked rapidly to hide them. "Um, I want to be good. I want to be kind, and helpful, and..." she exhaled slowly. "Brave. I wish I could be brave."

"Why aren't you?"

"Because I'm always afraid," she whispered. "Afraid of making a mistake, of saying the wrong thing, of breaking someone I'm trying to help. So I... I stay quiet, until it all bursts out in reckless idiocy that I shout before I can overthink it. I'm never going to be good at... people. I don't know what to say, and it's easier to be superficial. Useless, in the long run, but it's comfortable. You know?"

"Sure."

"But the longer I go on, the more it hurts to see all the things I've never been able to say, the chances that will never come back."

"What happened?" Lucy asked softly. "What specifically, to make you so afraid?"

Maya shook her head, tears leaking now however much she tried to control them. "I don't even remember. I don't know why I'm this way. I just am. Always have been. Always will be."

"No, not always. We are going to change things, Maya. Remember that. This is a start, not an end. You are not finished."

"Why not? Maybe I should be. Maybe I am pointless. Maybe I should just disappear, leave the space for someone who might actually matter."

"You're not pointless."

"And how would you know?"

"I've known pointless people. And they're not the ones who weep over their inability to help others."

"But why would that matter?" Maya's hand tightened on the shell, cracking it into three pieces, the sharp edges cutting into her palm. -1 health. Like that meant anything to her now. "Who cares what I feel, if I don't back it up with actions?"

"You're still a child here. Your life before, that doesn't matter any longer. You're a newborn, and you're already worried about others more than yourself. You only need some help to develop yourself and you can be as kind and brave as you like."

Maya threw the broken shell at the water. It hit with a splash so tiny she couldn't hear it, three tiny ripples swallowed by the lapping waves. "And what if I can't? What if I'm stuck this way forever?"

"You're not. Only if you do it to yourself. Thankfully, you have me. And I've gotten to you before you spend thirty years reinforcing your leftover negative mindsets."

Maya grimaced at the thought. Thirty years of the same downward spiral, chasing herself in circles and getting nowhere. That would be enough to drive anyone to despair.

Especially her.

"So where do we start?"

Lucy grinned, pointed teeth glinting. "Disclaimers. I am not a professional, blah blah blah, by following my advice you accept all responsibility for actions undertaken at my suggestion, and I'm not liable for anything that goes wrong."

"Okay..."

"Say 'I agree to these terms' please."

Maya sighed. "I agree to these terms."

"Then now we start with some therapeutic monster slaying." She jumped to her feet and reached down to help Maya up.

"But my luck—"

"Doesn't matter. I rolled -5 today. We'll cancel each other out."

"That's still a negative."

"Barely. If it's above -20 it's not worth fussing about."

"That's your standard. -20 is good?"

"Yes. Because I've been around long enough to learn that a little misfortune is vastly preferable to the alternative. If you roll a second time on a -5, you have a nearly 50% chance of getting an even worse roll. Whereas if you go with it, you have a guarantee that things will only be a little bad. Tiny cut to experience, minimally increased prices, slightly grumpy NPCs. All things you can live with. Imagine if I rolled the second time and got -85! I'd be stuck with it, and be almost as bad off as you."

"Oh." Maya saw the logic in it, but she wasn't sure she'd be able to resist trying for a second number. After all, there was equally a chance it would have been positive 85, and that was a number she could craft spells with.

"Come on." She waggled her hand at Maya. "Up."

Maya took her hand and got to her feet, shaking sand out of her feathers. It didn't cling very hard, and she found the gesture largely unecessary, but it felt like the right thing to do.

"Where to?"

"Frozen Clefts is where I prefer to grind, but you're a bit lower level."

Maya snorted. "Yeah, the harpies there don't like me."

"Then don't go into their territory, they don't leave it. We can hunt icewyrms, or crystal elementals."

"Or maybe we could go to zone three and kill some snakes and monkeys?"

"If that's what would help you feel comfortable, then sure. Let's kill the little jungle beasts."

"No, wait." Maya exhaled slowly. "You know what would be actually therapeutic? I want to find a pet."