“Get your guard up, runt!” A voice, gruff even years ago, echoed in my ears. It startled me from a dream where I dodged across a mat while sparring with another figure.

The voice had been Tal’s. The other figure had been Roy. I blearily looked around and realized I’d managed to fall asleep, only to be plagued by more memories surfacing in conflicting waves.

Nathan’s shiner was more obvious this morning. As the week passed, additional bruises and signs of scuffles appeared. A split lip showed up on day three. Ugly yellow and brown spots like fingerprints on his arm along with a slight limp developed toward the fifth day. Whatever was happening to him was none of my business. Nathan didn’t share, so I didn’t ask.

People left me alone. That was normal. When I was on mopping duty they found reasons to take other hallways. When I ate in the lunch room, Leo was the only one to brave my presence. Even Nathan seemed to shy away after the first day.

Leo did his job without complaint and followed orders given by the guards to the letter. His work was spotless and the results showed right away. By the sixth day he was allowed to call home, though he didn’t take the Warden Bennett up on the personal offer. I suggested, rather strongly, that Leo check in and see how things were going. It was more for my benefit than his.

The guards kept watch. Their eyes were everywhere I went. Western Sector trained, and maybe not cold-blooded killers, but assuredly effective with all sorts of unknown tricks. Shitting in peace was impossible and awkward.

I hadn’t got one decent night’s sleep since arriving. My bed frame was bent from where I’d panicked upon waking on day eight. Terrors, being out of place and uncomfortable, not in my home, each item a reason to be upset. Everything conspired to overload my mental pressure points. Worse still, these memory collisions were triggered by seemingly random events.

“So, new pelt.” A voice intruded upon the silence Leo and I passed our afternoon ‘lunch’ with. The words belonged to a slender male with a twisted gleam in one eye.

Leo raised an eyebrow at me. I was trying not to break something fragile from the intrusion into my space.

“Which way you wagging?” the invader asked.

I kept at my food.

“Talking to you, fuzzball.”

The new person speaking was lean and narrow. This wasn’t one wolf asking another about something. He body was too bunched and drawn. He worked out but didn’t stretch and clearly had no range of motion. I mean, I could feel the knotted muscles.

“Yeah? That’s fine. You wolves are all the same. Assholes. Think you own the place. You guys shit in corners like dogs? Maybe mark your territory by pissing all over the tables?”

Leo kept an amused eye toward the two of us. Our insulter addressed the young man and switched targets. “What you want, puppy? They say male dogs hump each other if they can’t find a girl. Bet you been keeping each other nice and warm at night.”

The runt shifted from amusement to dangerous irritation. His body flinched and readied for a quick lunge. I shook my head slowly.

“That’s right, sit. Stay. Good dog,” the newcomer said.

As Leo had put it, no one was in here for selling cookies. This was a place for those convicted of racial hate crimes. People still pegged me as pack even after I’d removed Muni’s charm. I’d expected this sort of greeting earlier but we’d been left alone for almost a full week.

“You shouldn’t mess with him, Spike.” Nathan Simms’s voice came from beyond the new guy. That was the first thing Nathan had said around me in days.

“Why? Simms, he’s been bunked with you. The guys and I figure you wouldn’t be bunked with anyone really dangerous. You got someone pulling strings for you. All this meat’s just for show.”

I glanced at Nathan and focused on the last of my food. Desperation kept me eating. The meat showed little signs of improvement despite my ranting at the cook about proper seasoning back on day four.

“I know. Meatball here prolly humped some old lady’s leg in desperation. A broken face like yours must be begging the ugly hookers.” The other man sneered.

My brow furled and brain tried to catch up. What was the point of pissing me off? Before I could figure it out the bell rang, signaling our return to work. Leo stood with his platter and I did the same, ignoring the obviously weak insults for what they were.

“Fucking wolf, run away, keep that tail tucked in!”

My senses were in enough to control to feel the other man get up and shake his head. A disappointed frown crossed his features while he navigated the lunchroom to another group of people. Their mutters were too hard to pick out.

“Why ignore that?” Leo asked me quietly.

I gave the classic shrug of indifference. There was no one answer.

“It’s disrespectful. My father wouldn’t have stood for it. He would have offered a challenge.”

“Your father wouldn’t even be here,” I said.

Roy respected the rules too much and valued order. His view wasn’t based on actual law but a rigidly defined personal creed. I didn’t have his discipline despite years of being in the same house.

“Still, why? You’re”–he stopped himself and gestured with his hands—“bigger than he is. Stronger. I remember how you fought my father. You could wipe the floor with half of this place before a guard even noticed. You could take a stand and push back.”

Leo talked about that night in Bottom Pit where I’d fought three rounds back to back. I’d been drugged half out of my mind with rage following a barely remembered beat.

“He had the balls to sit next to me.” No one did that. Leo sat across from me. Nathan had sat near Leo the first few days. Until then no one had come within three feet of my presence.

“That wasn’t bravery, that was stupidity,” Leo said.

“So he lives.” Unsorted memories flipped through. The new person, Spike, had been trying to do something. As a trap, it had been obvious, but the actual aim I didn’t understand. And what kind of stupid name was Spike?

I turned away from Leo and wandered down another path. My cart and mop were waiting somewhere else. Somewhere between cleaning the bathrooms and the cafeteria my mind zoned out again. By nightfall a few pieces had finally formed enough to play out more of the past.

That night, in my dreams, I existed in pure nothingness. It was endless. Then things flickered as an audible chime swept across the landscape. I was aware again but had opened my eyes for the first time only to see a big fat void.

My fingers were curled around a bundle of strings. I looked over and watched as the gathered mass thinned. Some were old and decayed; others faded out of existence entirely and vanished as I studied them. Even more burned at far ends that wound into the darkness.

A sensation hit me. My other hand curled around soft skin. I wasn’t alone and had been traveling through darkness with someone important. No one else existed in this bleak space. I remembered longer hair, a young girl who had maybe been five. I knew I was older, and someone important had yelled at me to keep her safe.

I struggled to remember where I’d been before the darkness. A small hint came through in the form of a voice. I couldn’t tell if it was male or female, old or young. It sparked no memory. It was as if the voice stopped existing altogether and simply unwound itself from existence. The last note was a lingering tone of ‘run.’ We ran. Then staggered. Then finally wound down to a shuffle.

Then we walked. Our exodus went on for so long that every sensation whittled down to two sets of legs trudging toward the far edge of nothing. We were exhausted beyond sanity. Each step more impossible than the one before it. Numbness tingled every limb.

My hand curled around a space I couldn’t feel. A voice shouted. I turned and found my hands empty where there had once been objects. No colors of connection, no knotted cords guiding me home.

Fingers curled as I looked around. Every spot looked the same. Who had the other person been? A sibling? Focusing was too difficult, breathing was labored, the air heavy enough to be liquid. My thoughts were murky. Only a whisper of importance told me they were family. We were all that was left after...

...after what? What were we running from?

The chime of awareness carried on, traversing the empty landscape toward a destination I couldn’t see. I tried to pull on my senses and feel the world where my eyesight registered nothing. Tactile feedback was strange. Nothing felt right. Normally, air was never stagnant, pools of hot and cold would stir it into motion. What surrounded me was still and unhindered. Almost like there was literally nothing about me.

A big fat dark nothing. Then there was light. Faint, but brighter than anything I’d seen in an eternity.

I looked about in confusion, only to find my hands were still empty. Quickly I turned and turned again to try to find the person left behind. No one lay on the ground. No fallen friends, sign posts, just nothing. Only me and the bright light in the distance existed.

It brightened. My mouth failed to form words. To scream across the land, but the noise that should have issued forth was muted, and vanished as it left me. Numb thoughts registered. Where was she? I had to take care of her and bring her with me across this land.

I’d failed. I was alone. Even the voice telling me to run hardly existed anymore. My body shook, eyes watered, everything felt unreasonably cold. Whoever they were, they had been the last link to the old world. Now even that was gone.

The space rattled. Something huge approached from far away. It was immense enough to shake existence. I spun and looked toward the looming light. Vibrations gnawed at my hearing then elevated to a boring drill on my skull. It got stronger still and the light grew in size along with the noise.

My senses overloaded from wave after wave of feedback. I could see it now, and feel it. With the light was a wall of energy moving like a wave. A tidal wall a mile high raced too quickly to escape.

I ran anyway.

More shouts bubbled away into nothing. My feet failed to find purchase. I fell and pain that didn’t exist slammed through both arms. My body fell to the side. The wall behind was almost upon me, growing to an impossible size. Everything rattled in time with the wall’s rush. Existence grew brighter. The pounding jackhammer of noise worsened.

I reached for a horizon. The other person out there needed me. They were gone, and I dug at the ground, pulling myself along without any thought but escape and finding them. Finally the destructive noises and tactical feedback proved too much. I wrapped my arms around my head and curled into a ball.

The wave reached me. A second later my body swept up high from the ground. Something stranger than water surrounded me. I screamed and echoes rippled as the sound died. Another wave rushed behind the first, surging me even higher. My senses went crazy. Everything around me was flickering through different densities, different states of being. Pieces spun wildly, caught up in something huge beyond comprehension, I tried to find sanity.

Near me was a concoction of existence. One moment it was a patch of grass, floating free from the earth. Then it spiraled away and shifted into a duck that quacked. Another heartbeat passed and even the duck was gone, replaced by another series of animals and finally dirt. I reached out to grab the clump of land, then it shifted to a statue. That, too, fragmented under my grip and slipped off into other parts of the wave.

Larger pieces formed into chunks of land and slammed together like a jigsaw puzzle. My arms flailed as I swam through the strange substance toward something solid. Somehow I moved forward, by will or luck.

Moments later I was firmly riding a piece of earth. My vantage point gave me a slim sense of security in an ocean of madness. I gulped deep breaths and looked past colliding pieces of existence in an attempt to find her. The one I had lost.

Howling tore around each solid object, as if daring them to finish forming. In a fit of rage the item would spin apart just to form a new combination. My hands white knuckled onto the platform I anchored to. I, and the earth beneath me, spiraled. Dirt formed into bricks. Bricks formed into buildings. Some were torn down. Some were replaced in a blur with things seeming more modern. Ghostly figures who might be people tromped through, oblivious to my existence. Then more people, chattering at high speeds. Others swinging their arms up in down in labor. Those figures, too, vanished, as large metal carriages popped by.

I was afraid to blink and afraid to move. At least the earth beneath me hadn’t disintegrated like everything else. Still the landscape transformed. Each piece looked increasingly solid compared to the one before it. The howling noise slowly lessened in intensity.

Then the world went into free fall. My gut traveled upward, threatening to lose anything my stomach might have. Sanctuary, my bit of earth, fell along with everything else. Air, real air, whistled by as gravity reined in this errant bit of dirt. My eyes closed in panic, I prayed the landing would be soft. My grip faltered. I reached desperately for my secure haven in a landscape of madness.

The earth fell faster than I did. Beneath me pieces thudded together. Buildings. Metal lines littered the ground, trailing far into the distance. Large box like things sat heavy on the strips of man molded minerals. And I was falling straight toward the latticework landscape.

Be not afraid. The Elements are our gifts.

A voice nagged me. It belonged to a man older than anything I could conceive of. His words were hard to focus on as I rushed without pause toward a too solid ground.

Fear not the Sky. Air bends to our will.

Instinct threw my arms out an angle, fingers splayed wide. Air grew heated. I was transforming without conscious thought. Hundreds of feet from the ground meant seconds before collision.

Fear not the Heat. Fire gives life to our hearts. Voice to our rage.

Everything grew hotter. My limbs cracked and groaned, ripples passed by and suddenly they were something else entirely. Two arms became guide posts for wings unfurling from twisted muscles near my spine. No longer did I exist as simple human flesh, these were wide spans of leather.

Still, my body had too much momentum. Both wings broke against the wind and barely slowed the fall. I passed through clouds which had only recently formed. Rain pelted down triggering another set of words from a voice that couldn’t exist in the weird nothingness from before.

Fear not the Water. Each drop brings Clarity to our mind.

Clarity showed me how to survive the fall. Capturing the wind full on would shatter too many bones and no amount of healing could save me. Not from this height. I maneuvered into a nose dive then flung my wings out again, slicing with the downward movement. My body spun and tilted enough to brake with the wind and not against it.

I struggled to steer myself away from the metal ribbons lining the ground, off to a clear field of dirt and grass. There sat the same one I’d held on to in desperate moments before. It had clicked into place where it belonged.

Braking with the wind couldn’t slow me completely. I slammed into the ground at a sharp angle and carried on for a dozen feet. A trail of displaced dirt lay behind me.

Both eyes were wild and my chest heaved. One arm tilted oddly but hurt no worse than everything else. My fingers grasped against the ground rhythmically, feeling each ounce of dirt as it rubbed my skin. It was the most welcome feeling I’d had in an eternity.

Fear not the Earth. Solace lies in its arms.

Slowly my thoughts caught up. Everything hurt. My face felt wet and one eye refused to open all the way. Both legs moved weakly and trying to sit hurt like hell. But I’d landed from my first flight as a young boy. I wanted to roar in triumph but felt too battered.

I sat up and grunted, then slowly wiggled my arm. A bone above the elbow had broken. Life had come with pain, but even at my age I understood it was transitory and would heal. Moments passed as I weakly put the pieces back into the place. Wobbling ensued as I crawled out of the hole. Sustained movement was hard and everything went sideways as I fell over again. My body itched, shook, and rippled with waves of pain.

I closed my eyes and called upon my ability to sacrifice wakefulness for enhanced healing. The earth’s grip lulled me into a more relaxed state. This was one of the elemental gifts from old times.

Another creature’s soft absorbent soles pressed against crisp grass and fallen leaves. I was not alone, not anymore. I looked up and pulled my mind together. Time had passed, enough for the sun to travel a few feet across the sky and my arm to improve.

“Dude,” a voice said.

I scrambled out of the grove I lay in. A wince crossed my features as pain shot up from the hip.

“Dude, you all right?” the high-pitched voice spoke again. Those words crawled into everything around me. It felt like the first time I’d ever heard someone talk.

I didn’t have the will to battle or strike first. My gaze locked on the boy’s eyes, searching for signs of aggression. I’d rend the other figure apart and flee to stay safe.

I would protect her. That’s what my parents trusted me to do. Only she had been lost in the spinning existence. All thoughts of pain were replaced by sudden overwhelming worry.

“Was there anyone else? Anyone with me?!” I shouted rapidly.

“Someone else? Who fell? From the sky?”

I nodded sharply, and stared at the boy. We had to be about the same age, but after that landing nothing else mattered. Not my age, not his, not where we were or how it’d come about. The only thing that mattered was finding the person I’d lost track of.

“No, man, no. Just you,” the freckled boy said. He had red hair that looked almost ghost like at the ends.

“Dear Gods,” I said.

The world started spinning. My head somehow wound up between my knees as chest muscles heaved. Heat built again, uncontrolled and uncalled for. An entire lifetimes worth of tears sprang forth as I sobbed at the failure. It was too much for me.

“Let me help you, man. You don’t look good.” The boy stared down at me. I managed to get halfway to my feet with a hand pressed against one knee. My other hand waved him off. Breathing grew labored as my throat bulged. Still the heat grew.

I tilted back and opened wide to scream again. The element’s gift gave voice to my raging sorrow. Flames spiraled forth, bathing everything in crimson hues. Then I fell, too tired to keep myself upright.

“Whoa, man.” The other figure was still in the distance. His soft soled feet slowly plodded closer. “Dude,” he said with a strange feeling smile. Then my senses faded.

The boy, that young freckled face, was Daniel Crumfield. The first person I’d ever met upon landing. But where had I been coming from? My memories hadn’t played that part out for me. It felt like nothing had existed before the earlier chime which had swept across the land.

The chain of memories stopped running its movie reel in my head. I sat in a rush while breathing deep labored gasps. My face felt hot and sweat dripped. The blanket beneath me was soaked.

I reached out with my senses. It was early morning and my work shift had ended hours ago. We’d been locked in and I’d crawled to the bunk and passed out almost immediately. Reliving the memory must have hit me shortly after unconsciousness.

My cell mates wore different expressions. Leo’s gaze studied, not my eyes, but everything. No snarl of anger or twisted lips graced his features, only tightened eyebrows.

I stared the runt in his eyes and dared him to respond.

Nathan ignored us both from his bunk. Sweat colored his clothes and he stared firmly toward the ceiling.

“Tell me you killed that noisy fucker,” a stranger’s voice whispered from a few cells over.

No one answered him. Leo did smile for a moment, almost a smirk. The runt rolled over and proceeded to go back to bed.

“Whatever. At least some of us can finally get some fucking sleep.” Other people grunted. Too many had heard me as I relieved the frightening nothing.

I put a hand up and felt wet trickles riding down my face. I’d been crying—loudly—judging by the grumbles from our neighboring cells. Crying was a weakness that couldn’t be afforded in prison. I glowered and stayed awake the rest of the morning, waiting for a shift bell to signal the day’s start. The schedule for today would be yard time first thing.

Guards ushered us out the door for mandated exercise time. Others stood on high walls with guns loaded and ready. Concrete was smoothed out by layers of slick paint. People here couldn’t scale them quickly.

I looked for the quietest place in the yard. The only clear spots were out in the open. Even those didn’t have much space. A group prowled the eastern wall. Wolves if I were to gauge their constant watching of other people. In unison three or four of them would check out different people.

Atlas Island had its own form of pack. They didn’t rule the place and kept watch on normal people. Humans of all sorts hung near the weight benches. Only some actually worked out while most stared or talked to each other.

I paced in the small patch of freedom I’d claimed. Grass had been trampled underfoot. Roots had been smothered by packed dirt. The top layer was almost dust from a dry summer. Slowly I let myself claim this tiny base. Another part of my brain tried to connect with the jail cell cot.

“Your bitches already marked that spot!” the same jeering asshole as earlier yelled across the yard. People chuckled, even the wolves perked to attention, their heads swiveling as one in my direction.

“Piss indoors!” Spike shouted.

Other comments kept coming, and every time I concentrated on the feeling of connecting it shattered. I tilted my head back and squeezed my eyes as tight as possible. Sweat dripped down my face. The air started to heat up.

It’d be so easy to change into my other self and murder him.

“Jay.” Leo’s voice was low. “Not here.”

Runt has no right. Will rend. Leap over small wall. Take mountain top. Challenge rulers of this place. Make it mine.

My eyes cracked open and gazed at incomprehensible surroundings. I could feel people’s body language. Most had a clear line of sight to me and their heads were focused in my direction. Even the guards watched.

Burning caressed my insides with a deep heat strong enough to haze the air. Leo moved, obscuring my position from some of the onlookers, but he could only cover so much with his body.

I wanted to punch the man. Even now commentary floated through the air. Footsteps tromped across the yard, each fall of shoes more irritating than the last.

Pink Meat. Breath laden with stench. Weight uneven. Slender rods of man minerals line his pockets. Extra mass stored in shoes.

“Jay.” Leo’s voice sounded further away the more he spoke.

My mind was reliving the moment of freedom. That time where I’d stood against the Order of Merlin and stopped hiding my true form. The freedom of revealing the Great Beast buried under a human shape called to me, promising blissful freedom and unopposable dominance.

“We can’t. You can’t. It would put everyone in danger. You, me, father, the entire Tribe. The girls,” Leo continued.

A dozen snippets of the past rushed by reminding me of the power. Unleashing here would be good. I could silence the Pink Meat and put the Furry Things in place. These walls would be demolished. I smiled at Leo and the young male blanched.

“Not here. Sir, not here. Fight him with fists if you must, but not the other. Not here. Wait for my father before doing anything rash.”

That jolted me just enough to form a word. “Roy?” I asked.

“Yes. The Chief is coming here next week. He wants to consult with you.” The runt’s words were still low.

Footsteps were almost upon us. I glanced behind him at the oncoming humans.

“Would he be disappointed if I killed just a few of them?” I asked. I could stop at one, or two, or maybe all of them.

“Life shouldn’t be taken lightly.”

“Why?” I questioned, truly puzzled.

Our guests were too close. One placed a hand on Leo’s shoulder and I saw the younger man flinch in surprise. They’d snuck up on him.

“What are you ladies chatting about?” Spike asked.

It was enough to distract me, not completely, but between Leo’s attempts and the change of focus I was losing heat.

“Move your hand,” Leo said to the newcomer. I gave the group a good hard look for the first time. Some wore light white shirts. Others were topless, as if showing off a muscled physique would help them be intimidating.

“Relax, we’re all friends here.”

“’Cept him,” one grumbled while glaring at me.

“Yeah, wolves should stick to their own. But you, you’re one of us. Unless you’re a dog lover. You ain’t a dog lover is you?” Spike smiled like they were in on a shared joke.

“Hardly,” Leo said. He smoothly stepped away from the offending person and drew closer to where I stood.

“Look, boys, he ain’t a dog lover, but he knows all the tricks, heel, sit, speak.”

Leo repeatedly glanced in my direction, looking for a sign. I had nothing to give him. My brain was getting scrambled listening to this stranger.

Some had tattoos, nothing like Leo and his Tribe’s. Most had shortened hair, others outright bald. There were even a few females in the group, ones who looked a smidgen harder than the guys.

Then I realized what this was. They were trying to force us onto a side.

I glanced behind me toward the wolves. They stood, waiting on something. It was hard to say what for sure. The guards wore amused expressions. One spat, and a wad of chewing tobacco splattered against asphalt.

It wasn’t dark enough for vampires, but they were typically more solitary. No elves either, no, there were actually elves out here too. There was a weight on one side of the yard that didn’t match the figures.

Then I started laughing. Everything in this place was a giant joke. Rarely had I ever been on anyone’s side but my own.

“You got a point?” I asked. I needed to hear to get the admission.

“No point, just me and the boys”—not one of these men looked under the age of twenty. Leo, big as he was, looked more like a boy than the rest of them combined—“believe strays should be put down.”

Strays?

“Fuck off,” Leo spoke up for us. “Just go away before you get hurt.”

“So you is a dog lover. Great.” Spike stepped closer to me, getting into my face. I just grinned and the stupid man didn’t know how dangerous his position was.

Pulse beats loud. Other Pink Meats anxious. Carry weights. Rods of smooth metal. Guards look on. Air tense.

I bumped my chest into the other man while smiling, my arms open and ready. It’d only take a moment to twist his neck beyond human limits. “Don’t start something you can’t finish,” I said. An eyebrow raised in amusement while irritation claimed my lips and cheeks.

“More of us than you, we’ll send you to the other side, puppy. Just try it.”

One cheek pulled back to a near snarl but stopped at an aggressive smile. This man had no idea what he was doing.

A lot of my life was still unsorted. Moments flickered in and out in spurts. But I did remember one thing so far. Jay, before my four-year vanishing act, before the fight with Kahina, that Jay took shit from no one. It was time to get back to basics.

“What you got to say means nothing to me, bitch, nothing at all. You go to your place and get off our side of the yard.” Spike rattled meaningless words.

“That so?” I said.

“That’s how it works here.” Spike frowned.

“Or you’ll make me?” I asked.

Leo shuffled uneasily. He was close, along with a dozen humans. A mouse could fart and everyone in our circle would hear it.

“Ain’t none of us in here because we like your type. We’ll put you in your place, mutt.”

I leaned in and pretended to whisper, “You’ll try.” Then pulled back, still smiling. God I wanted to break this little maggot’s neck. “And you’ll die. You and your friends,” I continued. “You’re nothing to me.”

Fighting would be easy. These men looked tough, probably had been in many street fights, but I was more than a wolf. And they were challenging me, in the midst of my attempt to claim an area. In front of my family. Disrespect would not be tolerated.

“You got no pack, no one here but your little bitch on your side. How you gonna stop us?”

A bell rang, signaling the end of our conversation. Guards shouted that we should get marching inward.

I let Spike back away. His face was twisted in disgust and spit flew from his mouth to the ground. The crew following him waddled backward and stepped in behind the thinner man.

Leo and I slowly walked forth, letting the humans exit first. Even the wolves who had been sitting in the shade made it indoors before us. They’d probably heard everything but hadn’t exactly stepped up.

“This is bad,” Leo said.

I believed it to be fantastic. So insanely fantastic that the word didn’t even bother me.

The longer I pondered the idiots in front of us, the more I realized much of their brain power was dedicated to self-delusion. It took serious mental labor to stay racist. Our world would be better off without them taking up precious oxygen.

“You can’t just threaten people,” Leo said as we slowly walked inside.

“Don’t you love a good fight, Leo? They’ll give us one.”

“Not like this. A fight has rules, honor, not some senseless purpose.” The young man presented his erroneous belief.

Bottom Pit may have rules to every fight, but the real world didn’t. There were no restrictions in combat besides the personal ones.

“Clearing mindless sheep from the world is a perfect purpose.”

“No. This…” Leo paused and I felt the distance between us grow slightly. He still kept pace as we walked. “You’re not what my father said. Not what you were. What happened while you were gone?”

“I wasn’t myself. And now I’m remembering, finally remembering everything. I wasn’t always a coward.” Running from the Order to save Kahina had been the start of a self-destructive pattern, a lack of belief in myself.

“Taking a life doesn’t make you brave,” Leo insisted.

“I pushed back, just like I’d always done!”

“No, my father said you both fought your natures, strove for discipline. That wasn’t discipline, that wasn’t self-control, you were practically inviting them into a bloodbath.”

“So?” I asked.

“It is one thing to fight for respect, another to consider murder from annoyance. My father would be ashamed if he knew.”

Leo’s reproach shut me up. I had been acting differently. It was more than not wanting to be a coward. My pulse was running fast. Eyesight had dimmed just slightly as the conversation went on. Parts of my mind sifted through memories searching for reason for the sudden change in perception.

Sleep came slowly that night.