It’s the middle of the night. I jerk up, and look around, wondering what woke me. I hear Marya’s quiet snoring in the bunk above. I wonder what she thought when she came in and saw me here. What she felt. What she’ll say in the morning.

But then I see the doorknob slowly turn and I realize why I awoke. There is someone outside my door.

I sit there with goosebumps creeping over my skin, clamping my jaw together and praying that it isn’t that boy again. But I know he wouldn’t come in in the middle of the night.

The door swings open, and I recognize the principle. She sees me sitting up, and her sharp blue eyes narrow. “Alyssa, I’m sorry to wake you,” she says in a low voice, and I can tell she’s trying not to wake Marya. “But your mother is outside. Come on, quickly.”

I stare at her with wide eyes. Everything is falling apart, I knew this would happen, but I can’t talk to her. I’ll never be able to talk to her. I try to stand up but I can’t move. I just sit there and stare at her, fear flooding over me.

Her eyebrows shoot up, and she steps abruptly forwards, grabbing my arm and pulling me up. “Don’t go back to that, Alyssa.”

I shake my head in disbelief. My head is aching, I can’t do this anymore. I don’t want to talk to her. Don’t want to face her questions. I’m done with that. It’s over.

I stagger to my feet, clutching my stomach and staggering out the door. I’ve never felt so nauseated, never felt so empty, never felt so alone. She follows me, and the moment that we are out of the room, she swings the door shut, looking at me with an abrupt nod. “Alright, Alyssa,” the principle says, and she walks hurriedly away.

“Alyssa.”

Cold shock shoots through me, and I spin around, stumbling backwards when I see her standing there. It’s Mum. She came for me. My heart is banging so wildly at my chest that it’s a wonder she can’t hear it. I can’t talk to her. I can’t talk to Mum.

She’s standing there with her arms crossed and her eyes wide with fear and disbelief. She takes a step closer to me, brushing my cheek with her long, cold fingers. I yank myself away, staring at her in horror. She’s here. She’s really here.

“What on earth happened earlier?” she says. She’s trying to be strong, but there’s an unmistakeable tremble in her voice. “What was that about?”

I stare at her with my eyes growing wider. I open my mouth to speak, but I can’t. I’m frozen to the ground, I can’t move. I know I have to tell her, but I can’t. Her heart will never ache for me like mine does. “I...I have leukemia.” The words spill out, each one cutting into my skin deeper and deeper. “Acute lymphocytic leukemia. The doctor says I’m dying. I’m not going to make it past age twenty.”

She shakes her head fiercely, closing her eyes. I can see she’s struggling to stay calm, to stay cool, but she’s afraid. I know she’s afraid. “That’s impossible, Alyssa, you’re perfectly healthy.”

“No.” I stamp my foot on the ground. I knew she’d insist that, knew she’d refuse to accept it. But she was wrong. She’d always been wrong. Denying my sickness would never stop it from devouring me. “No, Mum, I’m not.”

She sucks in a huge breath, putting her hands out in front of her and clearly trying to look confident. “Look, surely the doctors can-”

“I told you, they can’t,” I cry, stepping towards her with my face contorting in agony. “You couldn’t afford me college, and you can’t afford me chemo, that’s just the way it is, Mum, you have to deal with it.”

“Alyssa,” she says sharply, her hands dropping suddenly to her sides. “Alyssa, I can-”

“No, you can’t,” I yell. Hatred is pulsing through me, I don’t understand why she can’t at least try to understand how I feel. “I don’t need your filthy money.”

She recoils as if she had been slapped, and she stares at me with her eyes a blaze of fire. “Alyssa, stop being ridiculous, don’t you want to get well?” She lurches backwards, her jaw clenched tightly. My hands are shaking, I want to punch her so bad, but I can’t. I press them to my sides and struggle to breathe. She’s faking it. She knows exactly what I mean.

“Biologic therapy,” I snap finally. “That’s what they're doing. But it’s not going to work.”

“What is it? Why won’t it work?” Her voice is bitter and on edge, her face flushed with anger.

“I don’t know what it is,” I say through gritted teeth. I lift my head up and look her directly in the eye. “But I know it won’t work.”

She shakes her head strongly, and starts walking away, gesturing her hand for me to follow her. I run to catch up with her, grabbing her hand and pulling her back. “Alyssa,” she says. “I’m taking you home.”

I drop her hand in shock, backing up and shaking my head in disbelief. “Wha- what? No, why?”

She gives a dramatic sigh, shaking her head like it should be obvious. “You’re sick, Alyssa, do you really think you can just stay at school and pretend that everything is normal? Shouldn’t you be spending your last days with me?”

My heart explodes in my chest, and I can’t hold it in anymore, I’m screaming now. “And maybe I’d rather spend my last days without you.” I don’t look at her face, I just fly down the hall, my hair splaying out behind me. I can barely even feel myself running, it’s more like I’m gliding, like I’m not touching the ground at all. Like I can never touch the ground again. But she’s gone. I’m running away from her. I don’t want to ever see her revolting smile again.

I don’t stop, I just keep running, keep flying, keep desperately trying to grab on, but I can’t. I’m leaving her. I’m running from her. I race around the corner, and there’s Marya, standing there with her curved fingers resting on her hips and a deep, criticizing frown on her face. “Alyssa,” she shrieks, and I screech to a stop, but I can’t slow down in time, and I find myself thudding into her. We both tumble to the floor.

“Alyssa,” she yells again, popping right back up again and glaring at me with her face twisted in angry confusion. “Alyssa, what was that?”

I stumble to my feet, grabbing her shoulder and staring at her with big eyes. A cold chill creeps over my body, and I want so much to curl back up under my covers. “I thought you were asleep,” I whisper hoarsely.

She stamps her foot fiercely against the ground. “I got up when you got up, Alyssa. ”

Despair floods over me, and I struggle to breathe, yanking my head up and staring her in the eye. “Please don’t be mad, Marya. About what happened earlier...I-”

“How the hell do you expect me not to be mad?”

I can’t explain it again. I’m sick and tired of repeating it, of seeing their faces, hearing their shocked voices. I don’t want Marya to know, don’t want to see her distress, her anger. I can’t see that again. I say nothing.

Tears are slipping down her cheeks, she shakes her head wildly. “Being quiet is not going to help you Alyssa,” she screams.

I lower my head in shame, hating the way that she looks at me. I didn’t want this. I didn’t ask for this. I just want to be healthy, I just wanted to be safe. But I can’t. I can’t even cry.

Heavy footsteps echo behind me, and I swirl around to see Mum. I shake my head desperately and pitch backwards, I can’t do this, I can’t face her. Not in front of Marya.

“Alyssa, you are coming home right now,” she demands fiercely, grabbing my hand and pulling me towards her.

Bile is rising in my throat, I yank myself away from her, clenching my teeth together and hoping desperately that I will cry. “I said no,” I yell.

Marya butts in front of us, horror spreading across her face, staring from Mum to me, and then back to Mum. “What are you talking about, what’s going on?” She grabs my shoulder and pulls me towards her, spinning me around and glaring at me with her eyebrows furrowed together. “What is this about going home, Alyssa?”

“She has leukemia,” Mum cries, turning around and staring at Marya. “She’s going to spend her last days with me.”

Marya’s face blanches, and she stares at Mum in horrified disbelief. “Why, that’s ridiculous,” she says in a cold, but somehow trembling voice. “That’s absurd.” I knew Marya would refuse to accept it. Knew she would try to cover the truth. But no matter how much she tries to deny it, it’s the truth. There’s nothing she can do. Nothing anyone can do. It’s over.

“I know,” Mum says to Marya, and she grabs my shoulder, pulling me roughly towards her. “I know that very well.”

“Why is she going home?” Marya cries, her face glowing red with anger. “You know she’d prefer to be here.” I stare up at her and nod quickly, grabbing her hand and squeezing it. Everything is shaking, I know Marya shouldn’t have said that, but I love her for it. I heave in a thick breath, and turn to Mum, who’s lips are curled into a sneer..

“I’m her mother,” Mum says stoutly, tilting her head and looking threateningly at Marya. “I can do whatever I want. The papers have already been filled out, everything is settled. She’s coming with me,”

Marya’s eyes narrow. Her face screws up, her muscles begin to shake, she’s furious. My eyes widen, I know she’s going to burst out again, like she’s done so many times before. But I can’t let her. She can’t do that in front of Mum. Mum would never forgive her. I grab Marya’s hand and pull her back, pleading with my eyes for her to stop, for her to think about what she’s doing.

Marya stops abruptly, lowering her arm slowly and simply glaring at my mother with hatred burning in her eyes. “Take her if you want her so bad,” she hisses, and she turns and stares at me with terror obvious in her eyes. I know she’s going to hate me for making her say that, but I don’t care. I did the right thing.

Marya tosses her head, slowly clenching and unclenching her fists. She stares at Mum for a long time, and then strides away, and I hear the door of our dorm swing shut a moment later.

Mum turns to me, her dark eyes narrowed and her face a strange mixture of anger and fear. “That Marya…” she says to me in a low whisper. “How many times have I told you she’s a bad influence?”

“Because what?” I cry, thumping my fist against the wall. “Because she knows what you’re doing behind my back? Because she actually wants to be with me?”

Mum doesn’t answer, just grabs my hand and drags me down the hall.