In the OmniverseEngine, there are as many parallel universes out there as there are grains of sand.

At least… same ballpark, I think. It’s not exactly like I took the time to count either of those figures.

Anyway, getting back on topic, there are a lot of universes. Most of them are not worth telling anyone about, and many are also terribly depressing.

That’s why I thought I would take a break from stories of vengeance and betrayal and instead give you this gem that I ran across.

Branch ID: c20e9477-8607-49c1-a709-647fc4af4092

Connection Strength: Average

Critical Divergent Point: Transportation to Placeholder (Cross-reference, chapter 1 of book 1)

Divergence Reason: Transport error

Codename: Swapverse

Yup, you read that right. This alternate universe went off the rails right at the very beginning.

-----

We had just finished the character creation process, or at least everyone else had. I was still grumbling that I was locked out of all of that.

“Time is up,” Mr. Monotone stated from the stage. “You will start with the tutorial. Please remain calm for the transition.”

A small black sphere appeared midair in the middle of the room and began growing. It soon was more of a swirling black vortex than anything.

Meanwhile, we all sat there dumbfounded and stared at it.

Soon enough, it was large enough to easily swallow a person whole. And that is what it did.

Zooming down to the first row of the auditorium, it hovered about 10 feet off the ground and then sucked an entire section in the first row into itself.

The auditorium broke out into a panic.

“This way!” Jake called and grabbed me, which finally shook me out of my stupor.

We made it to the auditorium door and beat on it in vain. However, it was too late. The swirling vortex swallowed us both without a single hint of hesitation.

-----

“Ow,” I said. I felt awful but somehow managed to keep my lunch in. I hurt all over, and I was stunned by the cave I suddenly found myself in, especially the giant black obelisk I was next to.

However, I didn’t spend much time on that.

“What the frick?” I asked myself. I didn’t recognize my own voice. I staggered to my feet, stumbled over to the obelisk, and could only blink in confusion as I saw Jake staring back at me.

I, of course, looked behind me like an idiot before I started making faces in the mirror that Jake’s reflection made back.

I didn’t have too long to ponder that, though, because suddenly, text popped up in my vision.

System: Congratulations! You have been chosen as the new Hero of Placeholder!

Wait, what? I’m the [Hero]? Is that why I didn’t get to pick? I frowned. But why do I look like Jake? That doesn’t-

System : Good going, idiot. He’s not supposed to be the Hero! What did you do?

System : I just sucked them all in like you said!

I was getting an uneasy feeling that I was seeing something that I wasn’t supposed to.

System : … You didn’t do it in order, did you?

System : … I was supposed to bring them in in order?

System : Yes, you idiot! That way, they each get the expected body! Who did you bring in last and saddle with Titus’ body?

“My body?” I asked quietly. I was ignored.

System : Uhh… Sam.

System : Well, fan frickin’ tastic. This timeline’s scuffed.

“Uhh, excuse me,” I asked a bit louder. There was a pause for a few seconds.

System : AND you left it on broadcast!? How big of an idiot is it possible for one person to be!?

System : As big of an idiot as you are an A-hole.

System : That’s it. We’re out of here. Good luck in this fricked up timeline.

I stared blankly at the prompt for a few moments. Then got hit by a wall of text.

System : Okay, so there’s not much time. It looks like you got Jake’s body and class, so make sure to use Eye for Talent and scoop up everybody that it shows. Also, Sam will likely be freaking out-

I heard a somewhat familiar scream from the other side of the obelisk.

System : Yup, called it. So, make sure to help out as much as possible, especially since that class is useless right now. Don’t get XP for killing a mimic or an elite ant, or you’ll get teleported out. Wait until Sam gets enough levels before you do. Also, don’t worry about dying in the tutorial, as you’ll just respawn here at level 1. No more respawns once you leave, though. Finally, go into your status and use the help option as soon as possible.

System : Hope you got all that, gotta go. Oh, and I guess I need to trigger this message…

There was a slight pause, and then I was hit by yet another message.

System : As you may have noticed by now, the feelings of these new bodies are hyper-realistic, almost as if they were your real bodies. For all intents and purposes, they are. Congratulations Comic-Con VIPs, you have been successfully transported to another world. Yes, just like the stories all of you have no doubt read.

Access your status screen by thinking or saying “status.” You will exit this tutorial cave when you hit level 5.

The room burst out… in panic.

“I don’t want to be a girl!” I heard one person wail.

Meanwhile, the scream from the other side of the obelisk had turned into sniffling.

Well, this would be bizarre even by the standard of a fever dream. Is that why I get the distinct feeling this is all real? I pinched myself in the cheek but didn’t feel any pain.

Wait. I have a health bar. So that means… I wound up and slapped myself in the cheek with all my might. “Ow,” I grunted. “Okay, I’m the [Hero] by accident, so let’s try to salvage what I can of this.” I looked out across the room that was nearing riot.

I was at a loss for what to do, so I instead rounded the obelisk.

“Hey,” I started. “I think you may have my… body…” I trailed off as I saw a demon curled up in the fetal position.

The demon looked up, sniveling.

“Really? Well, can you take it back?” he asked. “I really, really don’t want to be the [Demon Lord]!”

I recoiled slightly. Wait. I was supposed to be the [Demon Lord]? Even worse than that revelation was the feeling that came along once I knew I was standing in front of the [Demon Lord]. I needed to kill them. I was standing face to face with a horrible evil.

That thought was partially overridden because I was looking at my own body. So, I shook it away.

Also, the poor guy looked like he was on the verge of tears, and that evaporated any remaining malice. “Can you stand up? I’m the [Hero] apparently, so if anyone can figure this out, I guess I’m the one.”

He nodded his consent.

“I’m Titus, by the way,” I said as I helped him to his feet. “What’s your name?”

I was pretty sure it was Sam based on the messages from earlier, but I figured that would be a bit weird to have to explain.

“Sam,” he replied. Then cocking his head, he grimaced. “Well, that’s what I usually go by, but my real name is Samantha.”

Internal dots finally connected as all I could say was. “Oh. Oooohhhh.” I wasn’t quite sure what to say, but I needed to say something. So, the words just kinda spilled out. “Umm, I’ll do my best to get you back to your actual body as soon as possible.” I wasn’t sure what that would entail, but I figured it would be best to keep an eye on her actual body. I looked out over the crowd of adventurers. “Do you see yourself?” I asked.

However, she didn’t have time to respond. A hulking, shirtless [Berserker] jumped onto the platform and yelled out, “Listen up!”

The crowd quieted down.

“It looks like our game bodies have been swapped around, meaning that some men have been given female bodies,” he continued. “If you so much as think of doing anything inappropriate with someone else’s body, I swear that you will regret it for the rest of your painfully short life.” He gave a scathing glare to everyone in the room, even Sam and me, who were still on the platform.

He hopped down and headed towards a beautiful blonde-haired elf. “And that goes double for you,” he said as he towered over her. “Do anything to my body, and I will end you, are we clear?”

Oh, no wonder that glare seemed kinda familiar. I thought as I mentally connected that [Berserker] with the glaring women from before.

Meanwhile, the woman broke down crying. “Daddy!” she wailed and started awkwardly running from the [Berserker].

However, my attention was grabbed by the bunny-eared woman walking our way.

“Lindsey!” Sam shouted as she ran forward and hugged her.

The off-guard woman managed to catch Sam and barely remain upright.

“Uhh, sorry. Not Lindsey,” she replied as she disengaged the hug. “I’m Jake.” He then looked at me. “I think you-“

“Titus, and yup, looks like I have yours, and she has mine,” I replied.

He looked back and forth between us and raised an eyebrow. I cut him off before he could speak.

“Later,” I said. I looked over as a young dog-eared boy confronted the hulking [Berserker] who was stalking after the elven woman.

“Excuse me,” he said. “Would you mind not using my body to scare everyone like that?”

“His body?” Jake asked. He then jogged over. “Yo! Garrett! It’s me, Jake!”

The boy looked Jake up and down. “Well, it’s certainly an improvement over your ugly mug,” he said.

“Har, har, geezer,” Jake replied. “The dog ears look great on you too. You should have gone beastborn from the get-go.”

“Tim! You’re walking!” Garrett was interrupted by a dwarven man who suddenly scooped him up and spun him around.

“Sorry, he’s not Tim,” Jake replied. “He’s my friend Garrett. If you’re-“

To continue the whirlwind of events, my attention was grabbed by a short cat-eared woman who pulled on Sam’s sleeves.

Sam turned to look at her, and I followed a moment after.

Sam gasped. “You found my body! Thanks!” she shouted as she went to… give herself a hug?

The woman’s eyes widened in surprise, and she pivoted gracefully. In almost an instant, she had Sam pinned to the ground.

This time it was Sam’s turn to go wide-eyed, but not for the reason that I expected.

“Lindsey!? You have my body!” she shouted. “That’s great! Now I know I don’t have to worry about it!”

As the cat-eared woman nodded, I had a sinking suspicion.

That message from the “System” said I had a skill I should use, right? [Eye for Talent]? Just thinking it was enough for it to turn on. I soon saw what I had been slightly dreading.

Everyone I had interacted with so far lit up.

Ladies and gentlemen… My party. I thought as I looked over the motley crew, and a headache began forming.

----

It took a while to wrangle everyone together, but I somehow managed to get everyone into my party.

“Okay, I guess I’ll start,” I finally said as we stood in a circle. “My name’s Titus. I’m in Jake’s body, and he was chosen as the [Hero].”

I nodded to Sam, and she went next. “I’m Sam, and I’m in Titus’ body,” she said. Then she hesitated a bit. I had a brief moment of panic when I realized where that was going, but she blurted it out before I could stop her. “And he’s the [Demon Lord].”

Everyone looked at Sam and then at me.

“The [Demon Lord] as in the big bad?” Garrett, the dog-eared [Wizard], asked.

“Yes,” I said with a sigh. “Jake and I didn’t get to pick our classes, and apparently, I was dumped into the role of the [Demon Lord].” I looked over at Jake. “Sidenote, when you get your body back, you might notice a bit of random anger towards the [Demon Lord]. Please don’t merc[1] me.”

Jake nodded. “Of course. Thanks for the heads up.”

That interlude completed, we were back to introductions. I was surprised when Sam continued.

“And this Lindsey! She’s a bit quiet, and she’s wearing my body, but she’s the best!” Sam said as she beamed. “She’s a great martial artist, but right now, she’s a [Sorceress].” Sam’s eyes went wide. “Wait, do you have to talk out loud to use spells!?”

Lindsey’s eyes also went wide.

Got it. That could be a problem. I thought as I realized the catwoman had yet to say a word.

Either way, we continued with the introductions.

Jake was in Lindsey’s body and was a [Knight].

Emilia was in Garrett’s body and was a [Berserker].

Garrett was in Tim’s body and was a [Wizard].

Tim was in Emilia’s body and was a [Ranger].

And last of all, there was Andrew. Andrew was a special case because it turned out that he ended up in another dwarf [Cleric’s] body. He hadn’t found the person running around in his, but he was too worried about Tim to go searching.

Either way, my party was gathered. If I was willing to follow the advice of that random “System” message at the beginning, it was now time to activate my help option.

I gathered several funny looks from the party when I began talking to the tutorial fairy that appeared. After finding out it was invisible, I decided to talk them through everything it told me.

“Wait,” Jake interrupted. “This is important stuff. Shouldn’t we tell everyone?”

“Hmm,” I replied. “Yeah, I guess you’re right.”

I went up onto the obelisk’s platform at the party’s encouragement.

“Hi… everyone,” I called out weakly.

I had forgotten that I couldn’t handle public speaking.

------

It took a bit of help from the party to get everyone’s attention.

What followed was a lengthy Q&A session that dragged on even further because of my stuttering and verbal flailing. However, I slowly acclimated a little, and we managed to get through just about everything the tutorial fairy was willing to tell me.

We even figured out “hospitality protocol,” which solved a couple of issues that would have become pressing sooner rather than later.

I even threw in the bit about respawns being a thing only for the tutorial.

After that, we finally set out to try to gain some levels.

It was a complete and total disaster. We killed the first ant that we saw, and soon we were swarmed by hordes and hordes of monsters that only targeted Sam for whatever reason. She did her best to run away, and the rest of the party did our best to cover her, but she ended up dying and respawning at the obelisk anyway.

The main reason for that was that Jake, Garrett, and I were pretty much the only useful ones. Lindsey tried, but her martial arts prowess didn’t mean terribly much when she was dealing almost no damage with it. Meanwhile, Jake and I had decent bodies and swords to work with, and Garrett just had to keep casting [Mage Bolt] over and over.

Andrew wasn’t helpful because his [Heal] just ended up hurting Sam. Tim didn’t know how to use a bow, and he was too busy pouting about not wanting to be a girl to be any help. Emilia did okay as a [Berserker], but she was still not used to the new body since Garrett is so freaking huge compared to her.

Honestly, we almost had a total party wipe. We probably would have if Jake hadn’t called to me to fight back to back with him when we were the only two left.

The two of us survived and hit level 4, while the rest of the party went back to level 1. Well, they went back to level 1 and then leveled up to 2 because apparently XP wasn’t restricted by distance in any meaningful way.

So, after taking just a few moments to catch our breath, Jake and I headed back to the tutorial cave.

The mood when we got there was pretty glum.

“How are we supposed to get to level 5 like this?” Garrett asked with a frown.

“Level 5? I didn’t even get to level 2!” Sam whined as she buried her face in her hands. “Does that mean that I have to get kills to get XP? How am I supposed to do that without a weapon!?”

I didn’t have a good answer, and the gloom over the party was almost palpable. It was practically as if Sam herself was just radiating despair.

In fact…

“Hey Sam, can you walk with me for a minute?” I asked.

She gave me a curious glance but replied, “Sure.”

The feeling grew heavier as she got near to me, but to make sure, I watched the rest of the party as she got some distance.

The mood over the party lightened up almost like magic.

“Okay, how are you doing that?” I finally asked.

She cocked her head. “Doing what?”

“You’re like… a gloom radiator. Stop it.”

She froze. “Oh. So that’s what despair form means.”

“Despair form?”

She nodded. “Yeah, I wasn’t feeling so hopeful about things after I died, and I was sure I would never get out of here. Then the System told me that ‘Despair form has been set.’” She even included helpful air quotes around her statement.

I was seriously hoping I wouldn’t inherit whatever the heck that was when I got my body back, but I shook that thought off. “Can you deactivate it?”

She gave me a sad smile. “I don’t think I know how.”

Okay, if the [Demon Lord] can have an… aura… like this, there has to be some way to counteract it, right?

-----

After somehow figuring out the [Hero’s] aura, I almost made Sam throw up when I passed it over her. Oops.

Anyway, with some encouraging words to Sam and my aura up, I maintained spirits in the party. We quickly figured out that the ants behaved strangely whenever the [Demon Lord] was with us, so we gave Sam a break for a while and then tried to do some farming without her.

However, it was much too slow. Enemies were so sparse that we eventually brought her back in and tried to secure kills for her instead.

That part was easier than expected. We just had Jake or Garrett wound the ants (Jake with one sword swing, or Garrett with two [Mage Bolts]), and the rest of us held them down until Sam punched them to death.

We managed to do that enough to get Sam a level, so she was pretty pumped about that. However, that was short-lived. Lindsey was very critical of Sam’s form afterward, and it took another pep talk to get the cloud of gloom to go away.

From there, we decided to call it a day. It was a good thing we did because we made it back just in time for a party of four dorks to announce themselves to the world as “Doom Fury.”

The reason that party was important? Well, it turned out that our [Clerics] had pulled a Freaky Friday and had simply swapped bodies with each other, so we both agreed it would be good to keep in touch.

Our party picked up various upgrades from the obelisk, and then we hit the hay.

We explored again the following day while Sam complained about not sleeping a wink. However, given that she was in the body of the [Demon Lord], none of us thought it was that much of a stretch that she wouldn’t need sleep anyway.

Everything was going smoothly until we found that one secret passage…

-----

“Are we just skipping this tunnel?” Sam asked from the back of the party.

We all turned to look and saw her pointing at a blank wall.

“What tunnel?” Jake asked.

“Oh, can you guys not see it?” Sam asked. “I’m not crazy, am I? Here.” She waved her hand through the solid stone.

“An illusory wall?” I asked. “Nice! How’d you figure it out?”

“I just… don’t see the illusion, I guess,” she replied.

I mentally added illusion resistance to the growing list of utilities that my body had access to as we followed Sam into the room.

I wonder if I’ll keep all of that when we finally swap back? I thought as Sam led the way into the room. Then I frowned. I don’t want to be the [Demon Lord], but making Sam be stuck with it is even more of a jerk move. I wonder if I can just go home after all of this is over?

“A treasure chest!” Sam shouted and sprinted forward to it.

I had half a mind to stop her and warn her about mimics, but I chuckled to myself instead.

Mimics in the tutorial. No one would be that cruel.

Which is why the mimic promptly ate her.

The entire party froze for half a second before springing into action. I put the Hero’s Sword back into my inventory and tried in vain to force the mimic’s maw back open, the others started attacking it, and the ants burst into the room to attack us.

Oh, right. The ants.

I don’t know if it was their better tactics, their slightly different carapaces, or just intuition, but I knew the ants that bowled into the room were the elites.

It was about that time that the mimic finished eating Sam, and my distraction and the fact that I was right in front of its gaping maw meant that I was the next on the gastronomic express.

I flailed about uselessly inside the mimic for a bit before resigning myself to my fate. It seemed like I would be the one respawning at the obelisk this time.

And that’s when I finally remembered the warning from the System about not getting XP for a mimic or an elite ant.

Frick! I’m in the party! If one of them gets a kill- I frantically went to my System interface, swapped Jake to party lead, and then left the party.

The next thing I knew, I was standing back at the obelisk with Sam.

“Well, that could have gone better,” I muttered.

“You’re still here!” Sam cried out as she practically tackled me with a hug.

It took a brief second for my brain to parse through the fact that I was currently being nearly assaulted by a demonic form of my own body. Then, once that thought was finished, I shook it off and replied, “Yep. Why wouldn’t I be?”

“It said you left the party, so I thought you’d left us behind!” Sam cried.

“Don’t worry,” I said as I awkwardly patted my own body on the back. “I won’t leave you behind.” I paused. “The others… might have, though.”

My supposition proved correct. We made our way back towards the mimic and found only a single elite ant. Unfortunately, it completely resisted all of our attacks and killed us both.

“Probably need magic to kill those,” Sam replied as I rejoined her at spawn.

“Yeah, something like that,” I nodded. “So, wanna try to get another party to help us out?”

She frowned. “But the only other party we know is that group of weebs.”

“Speak of the weebs…” I said as I looked over and saw them returning from some exploring. “Hey, Doom Furbies! Do you got room for two more? Our party hit level 5 and ditched us!”

“It’s Doom Fury,” their cat-eared leader replied irritably.

“Wait, you’re the [Hero]!” Ethan, their [Warrior] continued. “How did you get left behind?!”

I shrugged. “Didn’t want to leave Sam alone, so I dropped out before getting the XP.”

“How noble,” Nick replied.

I shot him a brief glare but then sighed. He’s just a troll. Ignore him. “Anyway,” I continued. “Want two more people for your party, temporarily?”

“Sure,” Richard said with a grin. “As long as you tell us how your party managed to get to level 5.”

“Deal,” I replied. I shook his hand without a moment’s hesitation. Actually, I should probably spread that info around.

So, we made our way back to where I found the elites and the mimic.

The good news? We found out that the elites were weak to punches when Sam managed to get a kill.

The bad news? We found out that whatever BS was causing hordes of monsters to spawn and target Sam was still 100% in effect for the elites.

“You knew that would happen,” Rich accused me when we got back.

“I swear I didn’t,” I said with my hands raised.

He narrowed his eyes, but, fortunately, Ethan interjected. “Well, that would be a lot faster for leveling. I don’t know that we have enough people in the entire tutorial to handle that, though.”

That was a lightbulb moment for all of us.

“You thinking what I’m thinking?” I asked.

Rich’s only reply was a grin.

-----

“Why did I have to be the monster bait!?” I yelled as I tore down the tunnel with three elite ants chasing me.

To be honest, there weren’t that many downsides if I got caught. Yes, I would die. Yes, it would hurt a bit. Yes, I would probably have to do it all over again-

I redoubled my pace as I screamed my way into the main dungeon room.

The first ant barely stepped foot into the room before it was targeted by dozens of [Wizards] and [Sorcerers]. It changed its carapace to deflect the magic damage, but two waiting [Berserkers] jumped it and pummeled it to death.

They both seemed surprised at how quickly it went down, and the second one fell to the floor.

Then the remaining ants screeched for reinforcements, and chaos ensued.

For my part, I was explicitly trying not to get too much experience. Fortunately, I figured out that I could kill two elites and not hit level 5 as long as they were my only kills from level 1. Unfortunately, that meant that I killed two ants and then sat there twiddling my thumbs.

I was so bored that I opened up the obelisk for a quick moment.

Wait, why do I have 12 skill points again? However, I wasn’t about to question a bug in my favor. I already had [Swordsmanship] and [Power Strike], so I picked up the dubiously named [Stance Change] as well.

Huh. [Stance Change: Offensive] increases damage dealt and received, while [Stance Change: Defensive] does the opposite. The System’s information also helpfully told me that there was a cooldown between forms, so I couldn’t do something as crazy as switching back and forth between every strike… yet.

Brief interlude completed, I surveyed the scene.

Uh oh. I thought as adventurers kept disappearing. There are a lot more ants than we need…

The numbers kept dwindling, and soon I was relegated to trying to watch Sam’s back as she put the beatdown on foe after foe.

Soon we were the only two adventurers left. I switched back to my sword and swung it somewhat wildly to keep the enemies at bay without hurting them.

How many has she killed!? Why isn’t she level 5 yet!? I screamed internally.

Then disaster struck. Sam went down.

I tried to get them off her, but there was no point since she couldn’t be healed from there.

And then the ants did something I didn’t expect. With the target for their ire vanquished, they all immediately turned to me.

I went down shortly after.

As soon as I respawned, it was back to the fight again. The only difference was that the ants had wisened up and turned on their physical damage immunity.

Thankfully, we still had one source of damage that I figured out before we were stuck dying forever… my torch. Simply shove in ants’ face until they deactivate physical immunity, and then deck them in the schnoz.

I took a quick break to check the obelisk again in that life, and I cackled like a madman when I saw I had 12 more skill points.

I purchased [Martial Arts] and then went back to helping Sam.

That process was repeated twice more, and I managed to pick up [Elemental Strike] as well. The only cost was feeling very wobbly every time my level changed drastically, but I was starting to get used to that.

“Why do you keep going over to the obelisk?” Sam finally asked mid-fight.

“I get free skill points every time I die and relevel!” I shouted as I rejoined her in the fight.

“Well, I’m glad you’re enjoying yourself,” she grumbled. The cloud of gloom was back. “I’m stuck here useless, and it will never get any better!” She screamed in frustration as she punched another ant.

Then, her arms went limp, and it looked like she was ready to just give up.

The cloud of gloom was back, and I was about to give her some more encouraging words when I noticed what it was doing to the ants.

“Whatever you’re doing, keep doing it!” I called to her as the surrounding ants started simply collapsing where they were.

The ironic part was that seeing the effects of her aura gave her hope, which almost deactivated it outright.

However, with the added power of Sam’s aura of despair, we finished off the rest of the enemies without an issue.

Unfortunately, she was still not level 5.

“Uhh, you can turn that off now,” I said as we stood there staring at each other.

“Oh, right,” she replied. She squinted and almost looked constipated for a moment, but whatever she was doing to focus worked because the despair aura retracted… for a moment.

“Wait,” she continued. “But how am I going to hit level 5? I don’t think I get XP for killing elites anymore!”

Well, there’s either the mimics… I had a brief flashback of being swallowed by its acidic maw. Nope. Next plan. How else to gain XP?

“I know!” Sam called out as she beat me to the punch. “If this is a dungeon, there has to be a boss, right? We just have to beat that!”

We traipsed all around the dungeon, looking for the boss. We found the treasure chest first.

A real treasure chest. I made sure by poking it with my sword from as far away as possible.

When that cleared, I tried to open it for a while before finally stumbling on the magic word.

“Huh, I got a named shield,” I said. I pulled out the shield and waved it around on my left arm.

“That’s cool! What’s it named?” Sam asked.

I looked her dead in the eye and stated. “Wilson.”

She slapped me lightly on the arm. “Ha ha, very funny. What’s it really named?”

“I’m serious!” I said indignantly. I pulled it off and handed it to her. “Just put it in your inventory, and you’ll… oh.”

I completely spaced on the fact that she didn’t have an inventory, and it was a few minutes of her pretending to be angry with me before we finally got going again.

However, I had some more skill points to spend, so I figured why the heck not?

I had Sam throw some punches at me, and I blocked them with the shield.

That should be all I need to get the [Shield] skill. I thought as I stuffed the shield into my inventory. I wasn’t sure I would use it much, but I figured I might as well keep it around.

And that’s when I found out that, when it comes to inventory weight, Wilson is one hefty boy. I couldn’t move, and Sam mocked me for the entire minute that it took to pull Wilson back out.

After that, we headed back to the obelisk to get me the promised [Shield] skill… and [Pack Mule].

I absolutely hated the name, but I wasn’t about to leave free skills on the table, especially since it helped me with my carry weight.

Then after more searching, we finally came to the boss room.

The System had a lot to tell us about that.

System : Spawn point updated

System: You have entered a dungeon boss room! You will be unable to leave by any means until the dungeon boss is defeated.

And finally, a health bar labeled “Giant Ant Queen.”

We looked at each other.

“You ready for this?” I asked.

“As ready as I can be,” she replied.

I poked my head out of the tunnel and took in the hordes of ants and lava crisscrossing the room.

“Alright, I don’t see any elites, so I should be free to help for now,” I said. “But, there are some odd-looking ants in that bunch, so we should be cautious until we know what they do.”

“Did you try [Identifying] them?” Sam asked.

I slapped my forehead. “Durr. Thanks, I’ll do that really quick.”

After concluding that the normal ants and the fire ants were joined by healers and possible ranged ants, we devised our strategy. I would go first with my shield up, and we would try to target the healers first.

It went… almost as planned.

I caught most of the ranged attacks on my shield and cleared a swathe with my sword. However, there were just too many of them. I ran out of SP, and from there, it was over. I was swarmed, killed, and then respawned back at the boss room entrance.

Sam respawned a few seconds later.

She blew a raspberry. “Well, that sucked.”

I just nodded. “Another try?”

She sighed. “Yup, I got nothing better to do after all.”

So, we bashed our heads into that particular wall for a bit. Initially, we were hopeful that we would eventually just thin them out until we won, but after the fourth attempt, it was apparent that the numbers weren’t decreasing.

The one fortunate thing was that their attempts at calling for reinforcements didn’t seem to work in the boss room, so at least the numbers weren’t increasing. However, we were getting nowhere.

“Wait a sec,” I said as I grabbed Sam’s arm and stopped her from charging in again. “We need a better plan.”

She frowned. “But what else can you do? I don’t think there’s a better way for you to play this.”

I pursed my lips in thought. She’s right. I don’t know what else I can do. There are so many of them that I run out of stamina before I can get through them all. I started pacing. What kind of tutorial boss is this anyway? Lava is frickin everywhere, and there are way too many enemies for a level 4 party to take on. I mean, we’re the [Hero] and the [Demon Lord], and this is too much for us.

I spun and looked at Sam. “Wait… [Demon Lord],” I said. I inched closer and put my sword away.

“Titus?” she asked. “I don’t like that look in your eyes. What are you doing?” I soon had her backed into the wall.

I pulled out my torch and thrust it into her chest.

“Ahhh!” she screamed.

I kept the torch there.

“Ahh?” she finished screaming. She looked down at the torch.

“Alright, what I’m about to propose is absolutely 100% idiotic, but I don’t see another option,” I said. “I want you to go jump in the lava.”

She nodded as understanding came to her. “Riiiight. Demons usually have resistance or immunity to fire, so if I can jump in the lava, I have somewhere safe to rest.” She pushed the torch out of the way, went to the end of the tunnel, and peaked out. “You should be able to clear the way to the first lava channel pretty easily, and worst-case scenario, it’s just another party wipe. Let’s go!”

I think that was perhaps the most upbeat I have ever seen someone towards the thought of possible fiery suicide.

We charged down the slope once again, and I cut us a path through the enemies. Sam did a running dive. All the while, I watched.

Please be video game lava. Please be video game lava. I winced and turned away as Sam impacted… and made a harmless splash. Even better, she didn’t take any damage.

“I’m fine!” she called out as she broke the surface. “I can even swim in this stuff!”

She gasped. “Wait! Even better!” she dove under and came back up.

Are her cheeks full? I asked myself in disbelief as she ran up to the ants in front of me and spewed lava all over them.

“I’m a lava-breathing dragon!” she laughed. She turned to me. “Up top!” She held out her hand for a high-five, but both of my hands were currently occupied. She settled for an awkward pat on my shoulder before burying her face in the lava to get more ammo.

And so, we settled in for the absolute weirdest boss clear of my life. I was the shield in charge of getting Sam to the targets, and then she would spit lava all over them.

Yes, it was technically faster to kill them with my sword, but I simply didn’t have the stamina to spare. I only had the chance to regain some when I would huddle behind my shield near the lava, and Sam guarded me with her aura keeping the enemies in check.

Not to say that there weren’t some… accidents.

It turned out that [Heroes] are not immune to lava. Who knew?

I also needed the pesky thing called sleep, and so we had to stop the attempts after a while so I could get some shuteye in the boss room entrance.

Sam offered to let me rest my head in her lap, but I think that was mainly a tease… I hope that was mainly a tease. Yeah, I wasn’t planning on laying my borrowed body’s head on my actual body’s legs. No, thank you.

However, those thoughts led me down a spiral that added to the already difficult task of falling asleep on a stone floor.

Sam supposedly has my real body. Was the System lying about that? If not, where am I back in the real world? And how do I get back?

My eventual conclusion? I didn’t have nearly enough information to guess about anything, so I needed to get back to my first goal. Getting out of the freaking tutorial.

I woke the next day… or night, or whenever, and we tried again.

We got close but ended up going into another day.

That’s when things got a bit serious. I was starting to get hungry.

“It looks like it’s just a minor damage debuff,” I assured Sam. “It’ll just take an extra hit for a kill here and there, probably.”

I didn’t mention that my stomach felt like it was trying to eat a hole in itself or that it was getting harder and harder to concentrate. I didn’t want to worry her, but given the look she gave me, I wasn’t successful.

Fortunately, that was the day we succeeded… and made it to phase 2. As I watched the elites flee from Sam-the-lava-monster in terror, I looked down at my fist and then back at the ants.

I could just kill one. If we meet up later, I could even say it was an accident. Or that it was attacking me, and I had to defend myself.

That would be all it took to get me out of the tutorial and one step closer to filling the gnawing void that was my stomach.

I shook that traitorous thought away. No. I’m sticking with Sam through the boss. She’s going to need me to kill this Giant Ant Queen, I’m sure of it.

I was proven right when the boss made her appearance with a scream that was loud enough to deal a few points of damage. Then, a flaming ant larger than a van burst into the room.

Meanwhile, Sam had dunked her head in the lava to “reload.” Upon pulling her head back out and looking at the boss, the lava spilled from her lips.

“I… don’t think lava breath will work,” she stated.

“Probably not,” I agreed.

Then, the boss charged.

[1] Merc – Non-gamer slang for once. Comes from the word “mercenary” and basically means “commit violence against.” Said violence is usually of the lethal variety.