Voting results

A: Hello and welcome to ‘Everybody’s Gonna Die’, the talk show for dead people, by dead people! I was, am, and always will be your host Alexa Despacito, forever and ever and ever, and ever and ever, thank you for asking! Here with me tonight is Haralda Gunmetal! How are you feeling, Haralda?

H: I have felt everything; what’s left is nothing. At the very least, I’m glad to be out of that horrid game.

A: Right. Do you have anything to say about what Louis told you?

H: What’s left to say? The proper thing is to apologise, but I no longer trust the proper thing, for it brought about the death of a child. Unfortunately, I don’t know how to act in an improper way, so the only thing I can do now is not act at all.

A: You won’t be drawing up a new clipboard to keep you entertained during the afterlife?

H: How could I? If it comes from me, then it can’t be trusted. If there’s a way around it then I haven’t found it, and I shall drift along the bottom of the ocean, so to speak, until I have. Otherwise, I am perfectly resigned to do nothing at all.

A: You feel this, despite not ordering the pizza that killed little Olivier – and the fact that your co-workers kept it all a secret? Would you really say you’re responsible for Louis’s death?

H: A deputy head is responsible for everything that happens in her school. Regardless of Louis Chiron, I failed a student, thus I am unworthy of being deputy head; thus I am unworthy of being alive. At that point, it doesn’t matter who or what wanted me dead, and I won’t have any of your audience thinking that they, or he, killed me – for I died only because I could not live up to my standards.

A: You take this deputy head stuff pretty seriously. As a foetus, I’m impressed.

H: You’re skipping school. If I were your mother, I’d be disappointed.

A: Is there any chance you’ll get in touch with anyone from the game now that you’re in the afterlife? Kari Serpette, for instance?

H: Children should listen when adults are speaking, Alexa Despacito.

A: So, no?

H:

A: Eek! If looks could kill, then I’m glad I’m dead! Okay, we’re going to move onto some reader mail. You had the highest percentage of votes thus far at 63%, surpassing even Beck. How do you feel about that?

H: I wish only that they had killed me before I learned that duty is nothing more than an expression of personal prejudice.

A: Alright, alright, that’s enough self-pity. Don’t you believe in second chances? A lot of readers were hoping you’d open up a school in the afterlife, as a sort of charity work, and they saw a lot of good in you, Haralda.

H: That’s… not a terrible idea. Starting again. But I would need to draw up a newer, more accurate, more correct, more robust code, and such a task is beyond me. My time’s up as a leader.

A: You’ve got nothing but time, now. I’ll leave that with you while we get to Response #2: “The only reason I didn’t vote you up sooner was because I wanted to see Kari explore a life she never knew, but could’ve if she had more time”.

H: I was hopeful, but I don’t think Kari could learn a language other than violence, and you could see from my attempts that I wasn’t the right person to reform her. All I did was make it worse.

A: Response #7: “Please die this time, lol. You've beat me 4 times now, usually coming in second.”

H: I wasn’t aware we were in competition, or that I was winning. The thing about avoiding death is – it always gets you in the end. You have near-misses until you don’t. Please cherish the life you have.

A: Would that I could, my dear. Response #9 [sic]: “You saw Kari die and asked ourself why wasn’t it you. Well, now you can join her in the afterlife. I’m doing you a favor, really”

H: It’s as I said. The thing that hits you about being dead is the certainty of it. But yes, thank you for the favour, as I could not bear to live another second of a life by false morals. I only hope that your readiness to wish death on another isn’t indicative of the same.

A: Nah, these guys haven’t got any morals.

H: Then it appears as if I’m late to the club.

A: Response #10 says: “YEET”.

H: What does that mean?

A: What, you never heard it on the playground? It’s like, the thing you shout when you win a match of Fortnite. Think of it as like a more ironic version of ‘yay’.

H: I must admit my pupils have spared me the pain of hearing that particular utterance. I’m grateful. Yeet!

A: Oh god, you ruined it. Please never say that again.

H: Yeet! Yeet!

A: ☹

A: Response #12 asks “Please forgive me.”

H: I am in no place to forgive anyone. Of course, no matter how many people forgive you, none of it will matter unless you forgive yourself. I would advise you to try that, instead.

A: Response #13 wrote “I'll be surprised if you're not picked.”

H: Then you won’t be surprised. Yeet.

A: My ears! This is more embarrassing than hearing people say my name! Please stop, my career will be ruined if I end up on one of those cringe compilations!

H: Okay.

A: Response #14 wrote: “Hey, uh, Alexa Despacito, can you make it possible to vote for you? Just as a meme. I’m sure if wouldn’t change anything major, as a vote for you is a vote wasted. Unless... if you did get enough votes, would you be the one to die? Please include this entire thing when you read off letters, I wish to preach to the audience. (Hi, Mom!)”

A: That would be pointless! I’m the most interesting character anyway! Anyway, you’ve had your preaching. Long after you die your letter will be immortalised in the ones and zeroes that make up this text.

H: I should hope they’ve accomplished more than that. If you haven’t called your mother recently, #14, please do.

A: Response #16 wrote: “sorry, I liked you, but I can't let someone more interesting die like with Kari”

H: They’re all going to die in the end. That’s the name of the program. If you want them to live… please look up the Prisoner’s Dilemma.

A: How educational! Response #19 wrote: “You tried your best, but didn't act enough outside the box of your role. This made you predictable and therefore less interesting. The world needs more teachers like you - but this novel needs more interesting characters. Farewell, Haralda Gunmetal.”

H: All I have to say is that the world does not need more teachers like me. As you correctly noted, inflexibility is a terrible vice.

A: What do I know, I’m just a foetus! Funniest shit I ever seen! Response #20 wrote: “I'm really sorry - it's a tough competition at this point. But I really like the chemistry between Connie and Faust, and I'm curious about the end of Saheel's story.”

H: Without meaning to spoil it, I rather expect Saheel’s story to end in his death.

A: Response #21 wrote: “Sorry, Saheel is a bit more interesting, and I'm shipping Connie and Faust hard right now, I hope you understand.”

H: I have no morals left by which to judge you, but are you expecting two people trapped in a death game to start a relationship with each other? That’s a farfetched plot even for the novels I read.

A: I ship it! ConniexFaust is my dream pairing!

H: And one of them is going to die.

A: Don’t piss on my strawberries! You never know! I mean, yes, the show’s called ‘Everybody’s Gonna Die’, but you never know! Please keep watching, audience! Response #24 wrote: “It was obvious.”

H: I’ve already let you know my thoughts on the obviousness of certain aspects of this story.

A: And that’s all the reader mail! To finish, we’re down to just three contestants. Who do you think’s going to win it?

H: I know my horror romance, and the rule is always that the strong female survives. The priest’s not long for this world, for obvious reasons. As for the man who made a pact with the devil…

A: Wow! Someone’s genre savvy! Okay, ladies and gentlemen, that’s all we’ve got time for tonight! I’ve been Alexa Despacito, this was my guest Haralda Gunmetal, and this has been ‘Everybody’s Gonna Die!’ As a quick note, the author had a little bit of burnout on account of the chapter lengths, so to maintain consistency, the 3,000 word chapters are going to be split in half to keep them daily. Thus I can say with greater confidence: see you in a week!