Voting Results

A: Hello and welcome to ‘Everybody’s Gonna Die,’ the talk show for dead people, by dead people! I’m your host Alexa Despacito, and I’m anything but slow, thank you for asking. Here with me tonight is Eirlys Pritchard! How are you feeling tonight, Eirlys?

E: Dead. And so balance is restored.

A: Uh… me too!

E: Then there’s only one thing left to resolve. Have you seen Greer?

A: Oh, she’s around somewhere, I’m sure of it. Rumour has it she’s been spending her time in the Gigabird section, no matter how many people tell her that skeletons don’t have the surface area to fly.

E: Thank you for the information. Well, goodbye, Alexa Despacito.

A: Hey, hey! Hang about! This is your exit interview we’re holding here! You’re a serious type, aren’t you? Just think of me as Styx… gotta tell your story if you want to cross!

E: Hmm. Time no longer needs to be rationed. What do you want to know?

A: We’re at the halfway point now. How do you feel about being the fourth to die?

E: I’m glad I was able to find out why I had to die. Maybe I hadn’t realised how heavy a weight I was carrying. Once I’ve apologised to Greer, I’ll be able to rest in peace.

A: Wow! Well, the Underworld’s a big place, plenty of people to talk to, but not much beyond that. What are you thinking of doing with your afterlife once you’ve settled all your regrets?

E: It’s a secret.

A: Come on! Your story or you can’t cross!

E: I don’t think you have the power you say you do. But, then, that means it’s alright for me to tell you. Actually, some publicity may be helpful.

A: You’ve more than piqued my interest, Eirlys. If I had a seat, I’d be leaning forward in it.

E: I’m going to break out of the afterlife.

A: Oh? That’s… pretty disappointing. Alright, I’ll set you up with a referral to the Rebirthing Guild. I’m sure they’d want to hear your take on the problem. There’s only, what, about twenty quintillion of them?

E: So it’s a common ambition. But the American Woman is now alive, right?

A: So I’m told.

E: Then there are ways. How exactly does this game work? Is this the only one running? What are the requirements to start one? Is it the only method to become alive again?

A: Uh oh, ladies and gentlemen. The lady’s trying to worldbuild!

CROWD: BOO! HISS!

A: You’ll have plenty of time to figure out all of that by yourself, especially if you spend your time around the misery guts in the Guild. Anyway, we’ve got some reader mail for you. Would you like to hear it?

E: I’ll leave the past in the past. Once I’ve atoned for the mistakes in my life, I’m not going to worry about them. I already know I wasn’t strong enough.

A: Some of them wrote some very nice things, actually! Are you sure you don’t want to kick your afterlife off with a little goodwill?

E: You have five minutes to make your case.

A: Well, one reader wrote “I like you too but I need to know your friends' stories. My apologies lady”. What do you make of that?

E: They’ve got good grammar. Fine. I’ll listen to the rest, assuming there’s not too many. The way that they’ve written it makes it sound like they were obligated to vote. Is that the case? Who are the ‘readers’?

CROWD: BOO! HISS!

A: Deny the worldbuilder! Shun! Shun!

E: In other words, you don’t know.

A: After all, I am just a foetus. The next person wrote “Sorry, I'm just way more invested in everyone else's stories. Enjoy your afterlife!”

E: I would be enjoying it more if I was getting answers to my questions. I don’t like to be kept in the dark.

A: Here in the Underworld, our chief export is darkness! Better get used to it!

E: Fine. Enjoy reading your stories, person, and I’ll enjoy my afterlife up until I find a way out of here. Again, an apology – it would make sense if the voters also participated under pain of death.

A: It would be pretty awful if they were just doing it for fun, wouldn’t it? Next letter: “Your usage of time-stop mechanics were fun to read ... but you weren't quite gonna get as much development out of finding out how you were responsible for someone's death.”

E: These are words that can only come from somebody who has never been responsible for someone’s death. I hope, for their sake, that they never have to feel such pain.

A: We got a little bit of hate-mail, as well. What do you make of “Knowing you have secret plans is far less interesting than knowing what those plans are. You were so worried about being punished for trying to break the rules that you forgot what the rules were”?

E: We figured out early on that playing the game was going to mean balancing audience interest and personal gain. But when the Flesh Mound became involved, and I realised they relied on their subjective knowledge to deny certain votes – the risk was just too great. If this person doesn’t want to accept that, then I don’t care. As I said, it was in another life.

A: Okay! Who do you want to see die next?

E: Nobody. And they won’t. They’ll find a path out before you can get them all. I’m not sure exactly what that initial time-stone triggered, but it did something. They’ll break through. Mark my words.

A: Okay, but let’s just say it all goes horribly wrong – who would you want to see eventually win it?

E: Saheel. And I think he’ll be able to once he realises how strong he really is. Without him to shape my ideas, I wouldn’t have got nearly as far as I had. He helped me to find out why I was condemned. So for that, I will always be grateful.

A: I can reveal that the person with the least votes was Constance, with 8.7% of the vote share – that’s Connie, for you people who seem to be complaining that you can’t remember who she is!

E: The readers didn’t know who we were from the start?

A: What do I know? I’m just a foetus. Okay, ladies and gentlemen, that’s all we’ve got time for tonight. I’ve been Alexa Despacito, this was my guest Eirlys Pritchard, and this has been ‘Everybody’s Gonna Die!’ See you in a week!

A: Okay, the camera’s off. Let me fill you in.