"Why you conniving scoundrels!" I shouted, throwing up my arms. My hand smacked Leftie right in his ugly face. While his startled reaction brought me joy, my throbbing knuckles told me no amount of defense made it worthwhile to hit metal helmets. Yet.

"How dare you accuse me of being a false {Guard}?! I've poured my blood, sweat, and tears to keep this place afloat!" I poked Rightie's chest, getting up into his face. "What have you done, huh? Stood nice and pretty by the keep doors while the rest of us die death after death keeping invaders from entering the gates?"

"What a stretch!" he snapped. "You're nothing but a phony! That spear on your back isn't even sanctioned at this keep!"

"I took it off the corpse of an invader myself," I growled. "But you wouldn't know that, sittin' nice and toasty by the doors, huh?"

"We're freezing just as much as you are, pal," Leftie butt in, hefting his javelin. He lightly thrust it between me and his partner, forcing both of us to back away from each other. "Now why don't you go back to where you came from before things get messy?"

>>>Notification: The status ailment 'Mild Hypothermia' has increased to 'Major Hypothermia'. Seek warm shelter immediately.

Crap. If I don't get into the keep, I'm not gonna make it past the gatehouse before I'm gone. If I give up here, it's over!

"Lookie here, you overpaid numbskulls," I breathed. "You check the shifts chart and see what I'm on about!"

Rightie looked confused. "Shifts chart? There's no shift chart. You're bluffing!"

"Oi, mate! How can you call yourself a {Guard} and ya haven't even looked at the shift chart! I'm off mine, you'll see!"

"He's off his rocker," Leftie muttered, giving his partner a Look. "Way off it."

They're gonna kill me. They're really gonna kill me. Okay, uh, bluff harder, Flake! You got this!

"You're right confused!" Opening my status for all to see, I said, "See here, now, the, uh, the shift assignment it's..."

Rightie looked at my status and frowned. "Nothing here that I can see."

"Like I said," Leftie cut in, waving his javelin under my chin, "off his rocker."

System, I pleaded mentally. Come on, don't fail me now. You made me this way, forcing me through your every whim! Allow me this bluff this one time!

After a second of panicked mental concentration as the javelin point came ever closer to my jugular, the status screen flickered. I saw it, they saw it, heck, the worker holding a dead pig in his arms saw it!

There, at the bottom of my status, underneath the skills section, read the words: SHIFT ASSIGNMENT: OFF DUTY; REPORT TO DEBRIEFING ROOM.

I smirked at the two {Guards} blocking my path. "Now who's off his rocker, huh?"

They grumbled, swearing tightly under their breath, but opened the doors for me.

Finally, I walked unobstructed into the keep.