The logo fades away and is replaced by something I know all too well. A character creation screen. Epic instrumental music has me ready to click randomize and hit the ground running. Except there is no randomize button. I’m also not playing this entirely for fun. The judge wants me to play to better myself. Valery and Mythos Games have their own unknown reasons. Personally, I don’t want to be tortured by a bunch of murder hobos just because someone told them they should hate me. I’m going to make the strongest character I can right from the start.

A forest green, lumbering troll rotates in the center of my vision. A flat face with two gigantic tusks jutting upwards stares back at me. Blue freckles adorn its wide nose. Pointy ears protrude from both sides of his head, where two long, black braids dangle down each side and drape over his massive shoulders. Each shoulder is covered in patches of rough walnut skin, almost rock-like in appearance. He holds a wooden club in one massive hand tipped with razor-sharp black claws that it occasionally lifts, sending ripples through its thick, bulging muscles. A loincloth is the only clothing he wears.

These aren’t the fat lovable trolls from children’s TV shows. These are beasts. Warriors.

Awesome!

Enter Name.

“Chad,” I say.

Chod pops up above the troll’s head.

“No, Chad,” I say again.

The name doesn’t change.

“CH-AD,” I do my best to enunciate my single syllable name.

Nothing.

I mentally try to click on the name to see if I can change it, but it doesn’t work. Nothing I do changes the name.

It seems I’m already being trolled by the game. Great. At least it didn’t call me Chode. I’ll take that as a win.

Choose Race.

I cycle through several races, but they are all grayed out and unavailable. There seems to be a wide variety for players to choose from in the future. Or maybe if you not being punished by a court of law. There are dwarves, elves, humans, gnomes, halflings, minotaurs, wereraces and many more. There are even a few shadows that must be for special races they aren’t showing yet.

Troll. Trolls are barbaric creatures, gifted with physical prowess, but not much else. Very rarely are trolls able to learn magic, and those that do are not of much renown. Most of their lives are spent trying to fill their insatiable appetite. Trolls have the ability to blend in with their surroundings when not moving. The males are solitary creatures, only bonding with others during mating season, while female trolls live in groups and raise their young together.

Bonus Abilities: Nightvision, Increased Regeneration, Thick Skin, Camouflage.

I focus on Troll and a new category appears.

Choose Subspecies.

Several subspecies of trolls now appear before me with their stats displayed to the side. Mountain, Desert, Forest. Arctic and Seaside are grayed out for some reason. Each one is uniquely different from the others.

The Forest Troll is my current selection.

Forest Troll. Forest Trolls dwell in the depths of the forest. They can usually be found in a wide clearing having rooted the surrounding trees from the ground in boredom. Forest Trolls are big and strong, but they are also the fastest of the subspecies of trolls.

Strength: 18

Dexterity: 15

Constitution: 19

Intelligence: 7

Wisdom: 10

Charisma: 6

Next, I cycle to the Mountain Troll. His light plum colored skin is dotted with speckles of gray. A short gray mohawk runs down the center of his head. A hawk nose nearly touches his lips and the tusks are shorter, but more girthy. He is more stocky than the Forest Troll, built for strength and not speed. A large fur shawl is tossed over his shoulders.

Mountain Troll. Mountain Trolls are most commonly found tucked away in the depths of caves. The strongest of all trolls, they find entertainment in tossing boulders from great heights and watching them tumble into the depths below.

Strength: 20

Dexterity: 12

Constitution: 20

Intelligence: 7

Wisdom: 10

Charisma: 6

The final option available to me is the Desert Troll. Its skin is a dull tan with patches of hazelnut and toffee around the shoulders. Shaggy orange hair is pulled into a ponytail that falls down his back. He is less muscular than the other two, but far wider.

Desert Troll. The largest of the troll subspecies, the Desert Troll can survive for days at a time without food and water due to extra fatty tissue stored in their backs and midsection.

Strength: 18

Dexterity: 13

Constitution: 21

Intelligence: 7

Wisdom: 10

Charisma: 6

The last two subspecies of troll are grayed out to me. I can’t see their stats or descriptions, but the Arctic Troll has black skin and is covered with long white fur everywhere except for its belly. The Seaside Troll with baby blue skin is the smallest of them all, but appears to have webbed fingers and toes.

I take a moment to look over the three subspecies, weighing the pros and cons of each. I quickly disregard the Desert Troll. While the higher constitution and the ability to travel without food and water is nice, I want to be more than just a walking tank.

That leaves the mountain and forest trolls. The Mountain Troll definitely looks the coolest with his purple skin and bulging muscles, but the trade-off of dexterity for strength just isn’t worth if for me. I want to be able to move quickly and hit hard.

I guess I’m going to be a Forest Troll.

I select him and then a new category appears.

Select A Class.

Only four classes are available to me, most likely based on my low Intelligence, Wisdom, and Charisma. Barbarian, Fighter, Ranger and Rogue.

It would be cool to be a Wizard or Paladin Troll, maybe even a Bard. Had the choices actually been there, I might have even taken one just to stick it to the man. But then I remember the pain settings and the other players. If I’m going to do this, I’m going to play to my strengths.

Ranger. Masters of both close-combat and ranged weapons, Rangers are in tune with nature and use natural magic in conjunction with physical attacks to tackle quests across the realm.

Ranger is a no-go. Trolls aren’t really known for their ranged attacks and my low intelligence means I would have a hard time mastering any of the magic usually associated with the class.

Rogue. Known for their seedy antics and untrustworthiness, Rogues are masters of stealth and trickery. Experts in bladed weapons and poisons, these scoundrels thrive in their nighttime escapades.

Rogue is also not a good choice. While my dexterity is on the higher side, I’m too large to be sneaky. My nightvision would be an asset, but I’d essentially be wasting my strength and constitution on sneak attacks and subterfuge. Plus, I doubt I would be a very good poisonmaker with my intelligence. My charisma is basically nonexistent and who has ever met a rogue that wasn’t a quick talker. Like I need another reason for society to hate me.

Fighter. Masters of a multitude of weapons and fighting styles, fighters are able to learn to use any weapon or martial art with ease.

Barbarian. Savage warriors capable of using basic weapons and entering into a berserker rage.

So it looks like I’m either a fighter or a barbarian. Being a fighter would be easy with the ability to master weapons and fighting techniques. Being a troll, though, I think I should rely on my natural abilities. Brutal strength with basic weapons. Barbarians are often capable of going into berserker rages, which considering why I’m here to begin with, seems fitting.

I select Barbarian and my character locks into place.

Chod, the Barbarian Forest Troll appears above my avatar.

I’m not going to lie, I look like a badass. I’d like to see somebody take a swing at me.

The next thing I know, the screen fades to black and I open my eyes in the middle of a forest.