Chapter 47

In retrospect, Sasaki decided, things looked completely different when you were on the other side of the reception room. Oh, the hanging silk scrolls were the same, the thick beams of chocolate brown wood were polished to a dull shine, the woven mats felt exactly the same.

In the past however, she had been the one on the elevated platform, looking down on those that prostrated themselves as they sought audience with her family.

"So my daughter at least knows to lower her head properly." her mother's voice was dry, hard, and caustic.

I'm not lowering my head for shame, but for respect! Sasaki snarled in her head silently.

"Now, now." Her father murmured. "We've certainly had enough of that. More than enough. Let us hear what she has to say."

"She needs to be punished." Her mother sneered, and he made a vexed noise in his throat, but her mother would not be put off, and raised her voice to Sasaki. "I hope you are prepared to slit your belly to atone for the shame you have brought upon the house." She spat acidly.

Her mother wasn't saying that for Sasaki's benefit, she knew. She was saying it for the retainer who was seated behind and to the right of the younger woman. A backhanded warning to whomever stood with Sasaki- whoever Sasaki said she was, in reality she was a wayward scion, a disobedient prodigal that faced nothing but spiteful vituperative from her own family for the shame she brought with her. Whoever had the audacity to stand with Sasaki would receive the same degree of contempt as Sasaki herself, and would be treated as poorly.

Still, Sasaki kept her tongue. If things had been different, Sasaki would never have knelt, and she would be shouting at her mother, her mother would be shouting at her, and her father would have solved the problem with a blurring swing of the family sword. But she had a goal now, fixed firmly in her mind. She needed to keep her cool so that she could achieve it.

Sasaki had learned the restraint and control of herself and her emotions practically with her mother's milk, but she'd disregarded it at first gleefully, then contemptuously, then bitterly. What kept her in check, however, wasn't her mother's teachings, or her lessons, it was the the explanation given with a comfortable, relaxed tone by Katarina, the value of forethought and premeditation.

Strange, it was nearly exactly what Sasaki's mother had taught her, so why was it easier to accept from the taller woman than Sasaki's own mother? At least from the Witch Hunter it made sense.

"Silence yourself, woman." Her father admonished her mother. "Or, if you cannot keep silent, then I suggest you visit the gardens and compose yourself." He paused. "I mean to hear what she has to say."

Her mother was silent.

"Lift your head, Sasaki." Her father encouraged. "Let me look upon the face of my itinerant daughter."

Sasaki sat upright gracefully and let out a shuddering breath she didn't remember holding. Katarina, lend me your strength. She prayed. Her father wore a casual kimono of muted greens and grays, her mother was dressed in muted yellows. Her father had aged since she'd last seen him, with more lines on his inscrutable face. Her mother had only gotten more severe with age. Her small mouth was twisted and compressed in a tight slash of disapproval.

"As wild a face as ever." Her father remarked, but his tone was warm. "You always did carry the oni blood." he murmured. "If only you had learned to control it." He moved his hand dismissively. "Have you come to face the consequences of your actions, then daughter?" He asked.

She compressed her lips pensively as she struggled for words.

"Well?" He demanded peremptorily.

"I don't want to die!" She blurted, and clenched her teeth in embarrassment. She shook her head, frustrated.

Sasaki let out a breath. "I..." She paused. "I've caused the family a great deal of... strife and embarrassment, father. I know this. I..." She paused, but went on anyway. "Am sorry." She compressed her lips together to buy a moment, a second of time to compose herself.

"You're sorry?" Her mother argued hotly, but her father held up his hand gesturing for silence, and she subsided unhappily.

"You didn't seem to care about the consequences when you killed-" He began, but shook his head. "You've heaped disgrace and embarrassment upon us in piles, Sasaki. It may take lifetimes to expunge that shame from our family. Slitting your belly would only begin the process."

"Family..." Sasaki murmured.

"Yes, family." Sasaki's mother piped up. "It might be inconceivable to someone like you, someone that can only see the value of their own life, but actions have consequences. Consequences that affect others besides yourself!" She snapped, and Sasaki sighed.

"I know." She replied simply.

"Then there is nothing more to be said." Sasaki's mother replied, and pulled a small belt knife from her sash and tossed it at Sasaki's feet with a clatter.

"Go to the gardens." Her father commanded to Sasaki's mother without looking at her. "I told you I meant to hear her out. It's clear I cannot do that with you here."

The room was silent as the woman rose to a sitting position and left with all the haughty dignity she could muster.

Her let out a sigh after the older woman left, and gestured to Sasaki.

"Well? What is it? What do you want?" He asked, and gestured again. "Out with it. I can listen, but I cannot guarantee anything else."

"I would not have come home-" She began, but cut herself off. "I wanted-" She began again, and cut herself off again.

"Oni got your tongue, daughter?" her father asked with a small smile.

Sasaki sighed. She'd hoped to work herself around to saying it, but it seemed as though there wasn't any time to come up with the right words. She'd just have to say it plainly.

"I know what I've done." She began in a low, angry voice. "No one is more cognizant of what I've done than I am." She spat tiredly. "I know what's expected of me."

She looked up at her father. "For the longest time, I just wanted to drink and dance and fuck and fight." She explained with an embarrassed laugh. "That's it." She paused. "I know what I've done. I don't know if I can say I regret any of it..." She paused, "Except for the consequences that have landed on the family." She explained, and then frowned. "Those consequences should have fallen on me. My sister should not have been made to marry that fat pederast. I should have been censured. Arrested. Executed. Whatever. I did those things. My family should not have been the one to absorb the consequences." She spat, her father's face growing stonier by the second. "But for the first time, I've finally found what I want. I want to become part of something greater than myself, and I know what I have to do to do it." She paused. "I know it will bring no disgrace to the family." She added. "But for me to do it... I have to live."

Her father gestured meaninglessly. "The sword, once drawn, cannot be returned to the sheath without drawing blood." He replied simply.

Sasaki nodded at this. It was what she expected, actually. She didn't want to go through with it, but it had to be done.

"Cast me aside." She forced herself to say. "Renounce me. I'll claim no titles, I won't set foot on Yamato soil any more."

He jolted, swaying in his seat with the shock of her pronouncement.

"Renounce you? Renounce you?!" He shouted. Sasaki nodded. "The family keeps their honor. You lose a useless daughter." She rolled her eyes. "Well, the third daughter from the third wife doesn't hold much respect anyway, so you lose nothing. Less than nothing, since you're expiating a stain on the house." She added bitterly.

"You cannot be serious. You cannot want this." He gasped.

Sasaki grimaced at this pronouncement. She didn't. Wholeheartedly she didn't.

"I can't see any other option, father." Sasaki replied. "I need to live. I need to return to Hesperia. I need to be able to walk my own path." She clamped her mouth shut, holding back her tears.