Dr. Krumbunculus stepped up to the Choose-Your-Own-Adventure hotel and took a deep breath. He watched its automatic drawbridge lower to the ground, allowing him passage over its small moat.

As Dr. Krumbunculus reached the tall, wooden doors and banged on their knockers forcefully, the building creaked in an eerie sense, almost contorting around itself like a scorned, chain-clad vulture. Then again, Choose-Your-Own-Adventure hotels always did have something a little off about them.

The doors shook, and then open they swung. Before Dr. Krumbunculus were two labeled doors. One read: I WOULD LIKE TO PAY WITH CASH, the other read: I WOULD LIKE TO PAY WITH MAGICAL CREDIT. Dr. Krumbunculus chose cash, as his magical credit was not very high, despite being a wizard and all.

Entering in that door lead him to yet another set of doors. One read: ONE ROOM, ONE BED, PLEASE, and the other read: ONE ROOM, TWO BEDS, PLEASE. Dr. Krumbunculus wondered if the hotel really inteded to force him to be so polite to it the entire stay as he walked through the one room, one bed door.

Before Dr. Krumbunculus were yet two more doors. Above them hung a large sign, which read: THE TIME HAS COME FOR YOU TO DECIDE THE PARAMETERS OF YOUR ADVENTURE. FIRST THINGS FIRST. WHAT CALIBUR OF ADVENTURE ARE WE TALKING HERE?

Dr. Krumbunculus looked to the doors ahead to see his options. There were, unsuprisingly, two: HOOD OLD ADVENTURE, and XXX. It was obvious which door got more use. Still, after wading through the smutty valleys of Sleazy Street, Dr. Krumbunculus found himself less than prime for arousal, and opted for a HOOD OLD ADVENTURE.

As soon as he stepped through the door, Dr. Krumbunculus stood in some sort of forest. He could smell fire crackling someways away. He turned around and saw that the fire he smelled was indeed a burning castle, which was behind him.

“Holy shit!”

“My liege!” exhaled a scrawny knight as he ran up to Dr. Krumbunculus and nearly keeled over in exhaustion, “My liege, the Duke of Ersatz has laid seige to our home! Whatsoever are we to do?”

“Uh,” Dr. Krumbunculus looked around for clues, “I don’t know?”

“No, no, my liege, look,” the knight sighed, waving a clipboard at Dr. Krumbunculus’ face, “Whatsoever are we to do?”

Dr. Krumbunculus beheld the clipboard. It included a checkbox list of things labeled THINGS WE OUGHT TO DO, which included:

Awaken the dragon of the fiery river

Summon the giant of the fungal flower

Go to a winery and order a tasting menu

Beg the Duke for his hand in marriage

Dr. Krumbunculus pondered this list for a moment. Yes, they were all enticing in their own way. One had a dragon, that was always cool. The giant would probably smell bad, so that option was a bit of a nonstarter.

Marrying a Duke would’ve been fine, Dr. Krumbunculus figured, but he wasn’t really here for that kind of an adventure.

“Um,” Dr. Krumbunculus cleared his throat, “Do you have a pen?”

“Oh, yes, sorry, my liege,” the knight warbled as he produced a feathery plum dipped in ink.

Dr. Krumbunculus checked the only twerkable option, Go to a winery and order a tasting menu, with a smile.

“Excellent! Let’s mount up!”

Dr. Krumbunculus turned to see two beautiful steeds standing before them. One was brown with white specks, one was white with brown specks.

“Uh, which one is mine?”

The knight smiled impatiently, “Whichever one you choose.”

Nodding, Dr. Krumbunculus looked at each horse studiously. It was difficult to pick. He pondered whether their colors had anything to do with aerodynamics. Obviously, he wanted the faster horse. But they both looked so hamn similar other than the palette swap that he could barely tell them apart at all. It was, in a word, disfartening.

“My liege,” the knight cleared his throat, “If you do not choose soon, the Duke’s mercenaries might catch up to us! You don’t want to know what they’ll do to us, my liege.”

“Hey now, you know what door I walked in to at the start of this, right?” Dr. Krumbunculus raised an eyebrow.

“I was saying they’d kill us, my liege!”

“Ah, fair enough, fair enough. Which one of these horses is the fastest?”

“Oh, cluck if I know! Hurry up, just pick one.”

“Why don’t you pick one?”

“Look, bud, I just twerk here. I’ve had five year olds do this quest with better decision making skills than you. Now get it together.”

Dr. Krumbunculus walked over to the brown with white speckled horse. He squinted at it discriminately. He lifted its tail and observed its anus, which was an unpleasant experience.

“Hmmm,” Dr. Krumbunculus nodded, “Interesting.”

“My liege, the mercenaries may catch us at any moment! Please, I beg of you!”

“Wait, wait,” Dr. Krumbunculus walked over to the white with brown speckled horse and conducted a similar review of its anus, which was similarly unpleasant. “Huh. Wait. It’s supposed to be the mouth that I check, isn’t it?”

“W-well yes, my liege, but—”

Dr. Krumbunculus rolled his eyes and walked over to the front side of the white with brown speckled horse. He attempted to pry its mouth open, but the horse immediately whinnied and pushed him over with its bulging neck muscles.

NEEEEEIIIIGH

“Ack! The horse attacked me!”

“You provoked it, my liege!”

“Quick, help me up!”

Before Dr. Krumbunculus’ knightly assistant could do so, the spooked horse rose up on its hind legs and clobbered him in the face. He landed in a heap beside Dr. Krumbunculus, unconscious.

“Shit,” Dr. Krumbunculus blathered, scuttling back to his feet and cowering at the sight of the flailing horse, “This thing must be busted as all hen!”

NEEEHEEHEHEHEEEEEIGH

“Hands up! We are agents of the Duke!” someone shouted, throwing a javelin in Dr. Krumbunculus’ direction.

Of course, he was so youthful that it was easy to evade. So easy it almost disgusted him. Why, if he was old again, he could’ve been hit with the javelin point blank and feel nothing, what with the wealth of ‘impervious to javelin’ spells available to a learned wizard.

Dr. Krumbunculus ran up to the Duke’s men and quickly kicked them in the gonads. One by one the armed men fell, their codpieces bursting like fantasy pinatas as they squirmed on the ground.

“S-shit…” growled one of the mercenaries, “W-who are you?”

Dr. Krumbunculus thought about it. It was his adventure, after all.

“I am Blanuelle Sheldrakian, master fighter of the eighty seven fathomless thoughts!”

It was a completely nonsensical title, but it made him feel hood to say.

“Hamn,” another mercenarie rasped, “That’s a completely nonsensical title, but it seems like it makes you feel hood to say.”

“That’s because it does, you muddy bass turd!” Dr. Krumbunculus yelled as he kicked the man in the face and stomped on his neck, hearing it snap under his weight. “Shit. I’m stronger than I thought. I bet I could knock out this crazy ass horse in one punch!”

Dr. Krumbunculus regarded the white with brown speckled horse, which had apparently knocked the brown with with speckled horse onto the ground and began trampling it.

NEEEEHEEHEHEHEHEEEEEIGH

“Holy shit! Looks like this thing needs some ketamine,” Dr. Krumbunculus shouted, glancing at his right fist and smirking.

Dr. Krumbunculus ran up to the white with brown speckled horse, reeled his fist back, huffed loudly, and punched at its thigh with all the force of his entire person.

NEEEIIIHHEEIIIHEIIHEHIIHEHHEEEEEEIIIIGH

The horse screamed as it bucked it legs back and kicked Dr. Krumbunculus in the cranium, sending him flying through the air and smacking into tree branch after tree branch as his consciousness slowly dipped to nothing.

His eyes flitted open. He was in a dark, torchlit room. A hooded figure stood before him, in the middle of two doorways.

“Greetings, choose-your-own-adventurer,” hissed the figure, “Your days of adventuring may have just come to an end, for you sustained deathly injuries.”

“Ah, shit,” Dr. Krumbunculus smacked his forehead.

“Many adventurers would never survive from the blunt force trauma you sustained from that HORSE. But, if you are willing to pay a nominal fee of SIX chickensfeed, your adventure as BLANUELLE SHELDRAKIAN may continue.”

“Yea, yea, whatever,” Dr. Krumbunculus fished six chickensfeed out of his pockets and set them in the bony, ethereal hand of the hooded figure.

“Also, please resign the safety waiver before you continue,” the figure hissed, handing Dr. Krumbuncuklus some papertwerk.

“Oh my cock,” he rolled his eyes, signing the forms in triplicate, “Why is your legal team so full of stuckup knobs?”

“I don’t make the rules, chuppy, I just make sure that the hotel is represented well, and everyone’s liability is covered.”

“Okay, okay, whatever, you clucking square. Can I go in now?”

“Yes. Pick which door. The one on the left lets you come back before you got killed, the one on the right lets you rebirth yourself as a celestial diety with suspiciously similar traits to a normal human being. Choose wisely.”

“Cluck off,” Dr. Krumbunculus hissed, walking through the door on the right as the hooded figure shook its head.